Welcome to Our world!

Breaking

2008-10-06T10:40:00.003-04:00

Or is that braking? Well, I have to say that I love to blog. I love to write. I love to post my children's accomplishments and I love to read about your lives but recently I have felt a lack of desire to write here or anywhere. I have had this issue for years. Some of it does have to do with being down about things and I tend to hide out or make myself scarce when I am feeling blue or down right depressed. I am not blue or down right depressed at the moment - mostly just blah.

At the moment, I feel I need to prioritize my life better. I am suddenly going to be THIRTY FIVE in ONE month and it seems like I am still dealing with feelings I had when was in my teens and early 20s. I am tired of feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts. I cannot write about them freely here and that frustrates me in a way I cannot explain. I likely will turn to a more private journal for myself to work through things.

I am not saying I will never write here again or post photos but I think it is time for me to take a break from the bloggity blog world. My family is a priority and in a few weeks my job will be right there taking precedence next to my family. It is important to me to feel like I am being successful at both in a good way! I only have a certain amount of time to enjoy my family and K & I have certain goals regarding our jobs that make it that much more important to me.

For a long while I have felt terrible that I let my physical body, my friendships, and my mental space lapse so badly. I cannot allow my family and job to get jumbled like those things have.

I want you all to know that my friends are very important to me but unfortunately as much as I wish I could change the past few years I have often let friendships take a back seat to family and work. I have spent a lot time missing my son during the 40+ hours I spend at work. So I race home to see him and now my daughter will be in the mix they need me and I want to be with them. They are NUMBER 1 no matter what is happening with me and my life. I cannot keep up blogging when it comes to work since that is when I most often read and write blogs. Blogging was taking up a significant amount of time at work throughout pregnancy and that needs to stop when I go back to work. I am nursing so exhaustion is a factor and I will not give up nursing because I love it. My job needs me. My husband needs me obviously. I can only handle so much emotionally. That is also something I have learned about post partum life for me.

I am terrible with the phone and email. Please do not take this personally. If you do, TELL ME. I hate that. Not knowing when something is wrong - I am pretty horrid with confrontation but in a weird way I also prefer it. I think it makes friendships stronger and better if talking out issues is done in a good way ;).

Thank you for being supportive of me here on this blog and always in my life :)

PS: I hope this makes sense. I feel like I am making no sense as of late...

Giggles Rock

2008-10-03T13:43:00.001-04:00

Miss Pancake just had her first social giggle with me today 10-03 at 1:42pm and it was totally completely lovely and awesome to hear!! YAY!

Nananana BATMAN!

2008-10-02T13:16:00.003-04:00

Party Hats Rock!

M & Miss Pancake say "PARTY ON PEOPLE!"

Miss Pancake - all 14 lbs of her...

Batman

BATMAN RETURNS!

AGGGGGGG A dinosaur (check out the slippers - yes those are dinosaur feet. They make me laugh every time he puts them on!)

My babies and their blankets

Baby Fat

2008-10-01T14:41:00.004-04:00

I took Miss Pancake to the doctor today just to be safe. We had to see the NP which does not thrill me because just about every time we see her we end up back there three days later with something she missed. The NP said there is nothing wrong with her. To treat her eye like it is contagious (bahahaha) but that it supposedly looks fine (just like the last three ear infections M had that she missed...) Some how her words STILL made me feel better even though I do not trust her.

The crazy thing was Miss Pancake's weight: 14 lbs 6 oz. O. M. G.

Happenings

2008-09-30T21:44:00.004-04:00

Dudes, I did it: 139 baby. And not like 139.8 but 139.2. I am starving 24/7 right now but I am thrilled to be in the 130s. Even if it is at the top of the 130s! Rock on.

Miss Pancake seems to have something going on with her. She has a gooey eye and has been super fussy and unhappy the past day or two. It is hard to say if this is just normal 2 month old stuff or that she has something more going on. I am hoping for the normal 2 month stuff. We shall see tomorrow.

My dog. Ugh my dog. Santana - the first and forgotten baby. He is sick too. They thought it was a bladder infection but after a full round of antibiotics he is still peeing all over our house and it is YUCK bloody pee. I feel rotten for the little guy and yet the vet bill was close to $200 two weeks ago. GAH.

The market is insane and scary and holy hell how did we get here as a nation. I saw a bumper sticker today that made me smile. It said 1.20.09. I had to get super close to the poor car in front of me to read below that number. It said "Bush's last day in office." Now I can only pray that politically speaking we pick the right people to take care of the mess we are currently in. sigh.

I am reading a book called Milk Memos. At first it made me look forward to going back to work in some ways. Then this evening for no reason as I was nursing Miss Pancake and reading the book I started to cry my eyes out. It made me realize returning to work will be no easier this time.

I am tired and going to bed now but I must upload the photos of M tomorrow. They are from the trial run of his costume and these crazy new slippers we bought for him.

A Whole Lot of Nothing

2008-09-26T20:58:00.004-04:00

I have had a lot to say but not a lot of time to write. This week was sort of sucky but in a good way... is that possible? Yeah well that is what it was. Nothing out right bad happened. Mostly it was just a long tiresome week. I think a big part of this had to with the in laws leaving. Their visit went well. Mostly because they totally held Miss Pancake and played with Matthew 24/7. I managed to accomplish absolutely nothing when they were here of course. Like work, umm I have not done a lick of work in four weeks. I am struggling with this but hopefully once the nanny starts working part time next week I can get back on track. I am still trying to slog my way through thank you cards for gifts and meals that people gave us for Miss Pancake's birth and the birth announcements have gone out to all US residents but the Canadians... well thankfully the in laws came because they still would not have received their announcement.

I really need to figure out what clothes I can wear. I walked into Kroger yesterday wearing a billowy maternity shirt and pants and I was like CRAP I look like crap, officially. It has been 8 weeks and I have lost 30 lbs so I think I should be able to find some shirts to fit me that do not show off the 20 lbs I still have to lose and yet are not the shirt I was wearing because it was the only thing that barely fit me when I was 9 months preggo, right!? We are going to the outlets tomorrow morning... I have high hopes to get some clothing for me. We shall see. On a related random note - K and I both started working out again. However the stressful week made us cave and run to Kroger for ice cream. THE GUILT... See I have a lot to say but nothing important. Annoying. Here are some new things:

M is totally into super heroes and we play super hero games incessantly. He is going to be Batman for Halloween. He also tried to talk me into letting him wear his batman shirt two days in a row. Alright, I already let my kid dress himself which makes his look like I do not care what he is wearing (for the record I do but I cannot stop him from choosing the bright green athletic shorts and the light blue surfer shirt on top with the orange crocs and red Canada hat, kay?! That is all HIM and omg he is SO a product of his father ;)

M is getting this reading thing. He digs it. He is actually getting good at it. Most of it is memorization. He has memorized several books, he likes us to change the words in the books so he can tell us the right words and he has been getting the whole phonics thing. He is super curious about sounding things out - he will say c, c, c-at. I place this solidly on Word World and Super Why. These two shows kick ass.

M is randomly into Fireman Sam. A really bad Scottish (???) show. I hate it personally but he likes it and wants to play fireman all the time now.

Miss Pancake has bad gas. From me. Talk about parental gas. I know woe is me too much milk and a let down that could shoot a can off a fence but it really does suck. Yes, my kids gain weight easily and I could likely nurse 4 kids at once as well as nurse for five years and never see a difference in my milk production but have you ever dealt with a baby who had gas issues brought on by you? She sobs (REAL TEARS NOW TOO), kicks, bleats, hits (unintentionally of course) and this is all day these days. Gas relief stuff which worked fairly well with her brother does not seem to make a difference for her. I am going to start to pump this weekend. I am hopeful that taking a bottle will help her. I know M stopped having so many issues with gas after around 6 months but really he had these problems until we really started any solid around 8 months. SO I have lots to look forward to in the coming months.

In the same vein, I found some great articles/web sites about over producing milk that helped me to feel like less of freak then I did with Matthew. I felt terrible complaining to anyone about my milk supply because I know a lot of people struggle with even being able to breast feed. For the record, I am less frustrated this time. Because I knew how it was going to be for me. I hoped that Miss Pancake would deal better with it then M did and it seemed like things were going well until last week when she started struggling A LOT.

Since I bitched a bit here are some random photos to go along with my random thoughts:

Sibling Love

M and his favorite things: television, Bluesie (the dog doll) and his blanket

Smiles

More smiles for the camera

This could either be titled "Santana protecting Miss Pancake" OR "HEY I USED to be your favorite, what the HELL happened?"

Reflections of my Mom

2008-09-20T11:11:00.004-04:00

You sit before me in your little swing, sleeping. Your little mouth twisted up in a bow. Your hands relaxed. A little yellow fleece ducky sleeper warming your body. You are sweet, calm. You are beautiful.

Week 8, I wonder about this. Has time really slipped by this quickly. It never did with your brother it seemed the seconds and minutes seemed to stretch an hour out forever but I was a different person, in a different space, a different time in my life.

I am loving each moment with you from the sweet coos to the night time nursing. Even being so tired feels less painful. Not that I did not cherish any of this any less then I did with M. I am just more calm today about it all. And yet I cannot change the fact that time is speeding by for you and me and M and K. We have all changed so much in these first seven weeks of your life. I wonder about time and space and how quickly it all passes us by. If I do not stop and grab some moments they will be gone. Replaced by different and more exciting moments but never the same as now with my sweet little baby girl.

My mom told me recently that she was always wishing for peace and quiet when we were kids growing up. This was not meant in malice, I know this. She came to this country lonely and remains lonely in many ways to this day, by her own doing but still... at 68 that must be a regretful feeling. I understand what she means more and more as I grow older. Our relationship has always been strained and frustrating for me. Filled with unsaid things and memories that are mine and hers yet so different. There has been anger and even hatred on my part toward her and my family in the past. But I have come to peace with stuff. I choose just not to make it important any more.

Many of the fears I had swirling about M over the past weeks had to do with my fear that I was like my mom. My only example. And yet why? She was a good mom in many ways. Toward the end of my childhood when I think she wished for that peace and senerity from the children she was not a good mom in many ways but it was a hard time - our family slowly disintegrating because of depression and alcoholism in equal parts. She did her best with what she had.

She stayed home with three children, a house wife and mother. She had a high school education and no job. She stood up for us and tried her best. She loved us even with her strange ways of showing love. I ask her questions with this baby and let her in our world more and more. I do not fear the repercussions like I used to, of saying the wrong thing to her, to hurt her feelings. I know today at nearly 35 that what she did, leaving her family, her country, her language behind to live in this country was hard and scary and difficult. That she raised three children while her husband traveled the globe making nuclear plants a reality for countries that were once struggling small developing countries and are now super powers or at war or communist empires while my mom did the more difficult task of taking care of kids, a home, making a comfortable life for us as best she could with the limited tools in her tool box. I respect my mother more today then I ever have in the past.

At 35, I can finally see her for who she was back then learning a foreign language, living in a foreign land, making friends out of nothing and raising babies with little help from her spouse. The days that are chaos in my own house I think of her and her wish for peace and quiet. She said that she cannot believe she ever wished for that, she said 'look what I got? Peace and quiet and now I just wish for all the wild loud noise and mess and kids again.' You are starting your 8th week and I promise to never wish for peace and quiet, I promise to cherish the noise and craziness because one day in the not to distant future I may one day have all the peace and quiet I ever wanted and I do not think it is worth it.

Photo Life

2008-09-18T14:04:00.004-04:00

Familiar refrain: "Digger Mommy Digger"

Oh Baby - Num...

And she is thinking "Num num mmmm ah FINNNNGER sooooo SOOTHING"

Family Movie Night and Popcorn = A happy quiet three year old!

Daddy and baby sleeping on couch

Me and my babies (and my freaking cleavage - why YES that is a maternity shirt, wanna make something out of it?!?!?!) I kid, sort of.

Bubble over M's head would likely read "I think Coach Lindsey is trying to make me look foolish. Hmm everyone else is doing it so I gueeees it is okay."

My pathetic attempt at "professional" looking photos...

WHY CAN'T I MASTER THE STUPID CAMERA???? WAIL. Any who, she looked so grown up in all her 7 week glory with her little Trumpette socks and boat neck onsie - I could not resist! (ALSO, yes she is about to cry but I did something stupid with my face and averted a disaster... that is post disaster. Cute, eh?)

Really Random

2008-09-12T21:12:00.003-04:00

I had my six week post partum exam on Thursday and I am officially healed (I could have told you this without the appointment but the appointment was already paid for so what the heck, right?) We discussed birth control again and I decided to try that ring thing. Has anyone else used this kind of birth control? I am a little leery of it over all and of course the caveat to birth control is a decreased milk supply when nursing... this could be a good thing in my case. Mostly I am freaked about hormones and nursing.

M is totally into super heroes. It was rather cute at first but now like construction equipment and trains, I am sort of over it.

The cool thing about his new love of Batman is that he has taught himself to "read". He memorized a book called 'I am Batman' and can "read" the whole thing himself. However, I think we trotted that talent out one to many times because he now refuses to do it. He still knows all the words to several books and I can see him moving his lips as I read a book. I am SO excited for him to learn to read by himself - I think he will love being able to read his own books and I think it will be fun to let him read to me now rather then the other way around because HOLY CRAP it is SO cute to hear my kid read a book!

Miss Pancake started tracking people and objects really well recently. I think she could probably do this about a week ago but I just noticed it earlier this week.

Don't you hate it when the tornado sirens go off and it looks perfectly clear outside? Yet, still tornado sirens = FREAKED THE FUCK RIGHT OUT!!! I will never get used to them it seems!

I am down to 142 in weight. I have not been doing crap to lose weight. In fact I have seen a slight uptick in crappy eating the past couple of days (which would coincide with my in laws arriving...) I am now 12 pounds from my goal weight of 130. However I did the math and I would need to lose 2 lbs a week for the next six weeks to make it to 130 by my birthday... I am not sure I can do that because I am not making the time to work nor am I eating properly. This is not a concession by any means but I am trying to be realistic about the situation.

I went to Target today. I hate the college students in our college town. It is official. I was seriously run over by several today. Two different girls in the same group walked right in front of the stroller like they did not see it and did not even offer an apology - they actually did not even look. They roam around in packs like wolves and quite frankly most of them seem a bit snotty. On the flip side, I am totally entertained by the conversations that I am privy to. Cracks me right the hell up.

Finally, dear over tanned halfed naked girl from the East coast - if your credit card is declined do not keep trying to get it to go through while you bitch to your mother on your iPhone about how she needed to transfer $250 today, not tomorrow. Just walk away - it is ONLY an ugly brown canvas hamper. Ha, and I am glad you did not get your stupid hamper because you never even apologized to me or even offered me sad eyes about the fact that your were LETTTING MY BABY CRY... while your credit card was declined FIVE times... SIGH. I was committed to the check out at this point because I was holding said screaming baby in my arms trying to calm her!

I spent $100 bucks on I do not know what. I totally randomly rolled Miss Pancake around the store while she slept and packed stuff on top of the stroller. I would have spent WAY more (I was Christmas shopping) but I could not fit shit on the stroller. I bought a new diaper bag that is actually kind of nifty even though I really wanted a back pack diaper bag. The backpack diaper bag I wanted was $89 (and needed to be ordered online so it would have been even more) and the one I bought was only $29. I bought M some new shoes, a TP holder for the kid's bathroom, the rest of Miss Pancake's Halloween "costume", a new book, and a Batman toy for M. I was mostly trying to get a sense of what is in the toy world right now. M wants a scooter so that is what he will get. We also decided that we do not need more "stuff". I have this overwhelming need to cut back so we decided to limit the number of presents we get for each kid this year and we figure this is practical for the future as well. What are you all planning to get for kids for Christmas?

Happiness is...

2008-09-10T22:57:00.002-04:00

That title comes from some hippy dippy 60s book type thing my sister had. It was a little book called Happiness is... with this cute little girl who showed what happiness is (or is that was?) I loved that little funny orange book and I used to sneak into her room to just look at the pictures and contemplate what Happiness is...

The other day I was standing the kitchen holding Miss Pancake. Holding her tight because she was not feeling well from the latest virus making its rounds in our town. She had this tiny little cough that just broke my heart. I was holding her partly because I can and partly because she was not feeling great and really just wanted to be held. I could hear K and M playing, giggling, yelling in the yard below. The weather has been lovely, cool and sunny. Just the perfect early fall weather that I love. I had my nose buried in Miss P's hair. I was gazing out the window at the early evening light, the late summer green of the trees and I put my hand on her head to steady her still wobbly head.

I was startled by the thought that 'my god I will never be able to hold my daughter's head in my hand again one day soon'. I can barely pick M up these days. He is huge, 40 lbs of stocky boy. Miss P is getting bigger with each passing moment. The time is flying! I am half way through maternity leave, she is suddenly six weeks old. She has outgrown a clothing size and a diaper size. She can almost hold her head steady, she can smile and coo and stares at me with these dazzling eyes. She is still small enough that I do not get tired physically from holding her.

I relished that moment in the kitchen listening to my boys playing games in the yard below while I held my wee tiny baby girl in my arms because it was wonderful and will not last forever. There will be plenty of new and wonderful moments to come I am sure but I just want to hang on to that one early fall afternoon before it escapes my memory, before other memories might replace it, before my wee tiny baby girl turns into a big girl before my very eyes.

"Footballer"

2008-09-09T08:50:00.002-04:00

My little soccer player!!!

Day #3: Getting Better

2008-09-04T15:17:00.005-04:00

Gawd I love my kids. I mean seriously. I know I have done some bitching lately but when I look deep into those beautiful blue gray eyes on my daughter and stroke her auburn colored hair as she drifts peacefully off to sleep with the birdy sound chirping from her throat as she nurses and her long girlie fingers are wrapped tightly around my finger, I am blessed. Or when my son says "Momma can I please have another prenzel?" with that sweet impish little grin on his face or he gives me a hug and a kiss good night and asks me to stay, PLEUUUSE stay so he can chat with me a few minutes longer, I know I am the luckiest gal on the planet!
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Have I mentioned that my darling husband booked our next family vacation already? I was thinking some place warm, sunny, beachy, Caribbean or South Carolina shore... NO no we are heading to Orlando as in Walt Disney World again in February 2009. At that time Miss M will be just a couple of weeks past six months and M will be just shy of four years of age. We are insane... And yet oddly I am excited. The reason for the trip - $165 plane tickets (never mind the cost of going to Disney totally cancels the plant ticket cost out ENTIRELY!
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Today the activity I chose for my son - load him in the Rav and drive around B-town for an hour looking at construction sites. Ummm, yeah that may happen a lot during the next two months! If you asked M he would be thrilled to tell you about all the cool things we saw so it is not like he was hurting back there.
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I totally suck as far as being friend is concerned - First Kelly (Shades of Gray) had a her baby on Monday!!! A little girl! YEAH Kelly and family!!! CONGRATS!
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Also, does time fly or what? I mean I cannot believe that come Saturday we will be beginning week six with Miss Pancake. It seems like forever but in a good way. She is smiling and holding her head up pretty well. She actually does not mind tummy time and is such a lovely charming little baby. K did the old weigh himself a few times while hold Miss Pancake and then weigh himself without the baby last night and he estimates her to be about 11.5 lbs. SHE IS HUGE. I mean that in the nicest way but I lookd over at K holding her two evenings ago and I thought "well crap she is huge - she does not even seem like a newborn any more..." And I suppose she is not. She is outgrowing her 0-3 clothes already as well as the 1-2 diapers (from Sam's Club). She has blown out her diapers every day this week...

SIGH, they do get big TOO fast I tell you. Likely the reason for this is she is a champ at nursing. She is SO unlike her brother. He gulped and gulped and spit up and hated me and my crazy strong mammary glands. Miss P totally takes it in stride. She will just the milk run out of her mouth (or squirt in as the case may be) and calmly takes deep breaths if she needs to. She spits up a tiny bit (usually because I forget to nurse her) but not near as bad as M did. She sleeps like a champ too - already we have had numerous 5-6 hours sleep nights and during the day she takes a four hour nap. I know this will likely change with the advent of new skills like turning over and well frankly teeth but still she is charming and dang if she is not starting week six. What next? Prom?

The Doula's Version

2008-09-03T21:11:00.003-04:00

Ah, birth story part deux? Yes, I know overkill right? Our doula dropped by for the post partum visit and dropped the birth story off. Compare the two and see how close my reality was to what really happened!

"Christina scheduled her labor to be induced on Friday morning, August 1, 2008. In the shower that morning, she lost her mucus plug, which was a great sign that Miss Pancake was about ready to be born. Christina and K went to the hospital early in the morning and got settled, and they called me about 9:20 am to tell me that Liz, the midwife, was coming at 10:30 am to break Christina's water and get things going. Liz and I both arrived at 10:30. Christina and K had taken a walk to the cafeteria, so Liz and I chatted until they got back. Liz broke Christina's water at about 10:50 am. Her cervix was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced, and Miss Pancake was at -2 station. K was holding Christina's hand and eating Doritos, and we thought we heard a "pop" when Liz broke the water, but it might have been K's chewing.

Liz left, and the three of us watched the end of Glory Road and ate Swedish Fish, Later in the afternoon we played rummy and Crazy 8s. All afternoon, Christina alternated between sitting in the bed, bouncing on the ball, and walking in the halls and outside. She had stronger contractions when walking, but they didn't stay consistent and weren't getting strong enough to really be called labor. By 6:00 pm she was starting to get frustrated, and we discussed various options. Christina decided to try castor oil. K went out to get some (he called it beaver oil)! Christina rested for awhile while she built of the courage to take the castor oil. She finally took the castor oil just after 9:00pm. She said it tasted like drinking lipstick. We watched Monk while waiting for the castor oil to take effect, and K and I order pizza. At 10:30p the pizza and the labor arrived! K and I took turns eating and sitting with Christina. Miss Pancake got the hiccups, which Christina said happened every night at about 10:30pm.

BY 11:20pm, Christina was having powerfully strong contractions. She got in the shower for awhile and leaned on K during contractions. He stayed right by her giving her verbal encouragement the entire time. She tried sitting on the toilet after her shower, but it was very uncomfortable during contractions. She got back in bed a little after midnight. She was beginning to feel a slight urge to push and when Liz checked her cervix, she was eight centimeters dilated. Half an hour later she was completely dilated and pushing hard.

Miss Pancake head was born at 1:12am and her body at 1:13am. She had some facial bruising that made her look blue, but her breathing was fine. By 1:45a she was rooting and sucking on her hands, and trying to latch for breastfeeding. At 2:15a she got a good latch and nursed for over a half an hour. The nurse did the vitamin K shot and eye ointment while Miss Pancake was nursing and Marisa didn't even flinch. She then switched to the other breast and nursed there for half an hour as well. Way to go Miss Pancake!

Christina got up at 3:45a to take a shower and the nurse weighed Miss Pancake - 8 pounds 11 ounces - and the nurse got her cleaned up and bundled. At 4:10a Miss Pancake was back with Christina and everyone looked ready for a nap. I left at 4:30am."

Day #2: Confessional

2008-09-03T14:57:00.004-04:00

Hey, I am back. Oh one bonus that I am NOT going to complain about is that M and Miss Pancake both nap at the same time. Also, do not judge me but M is watching WAY way more television then the recommended "1-2 hours at most" for kids his age. It is how I am coping people. Wait till we have to break THAT habit. Way to go Momma! I ROCK.

This morning we only had one melt down EACH. M totally put another dent in the wall when I gave him a time out. I can feel the value of our home slipping as I speak... I feel the need to mention to you how horrible my language has been. Could this be hormonal? I mean seriously I say the "F" word and I say it often and maybe I even say it in front of M which ummm did you know he is like a parrot, kind of? SO yeah my kid may be the one teaching your kid how to swear soon enough. Which is kind of like a family tradition since my mom taught be this important word at an early age as well. Again I ROCK.

I think I am sling/baby carrier illiterate. I cannot get my kid into one of them for the life of me. SEND HELP NOW and quickly before I lose my mind. I cannot carry a baby in one arm for one more moment. I am heading out tomorrow I think to buy a stinkin' ring sling in hopes that I can figure that out. I mean seriously. Are these things supposed to make a baby sob uncontrollably??? Or is it just me. AND why do all the carriers say "it is SO easy to breastfeed using this product?" I call them on it and say BULL SHIT!!!

Finally, I have this love/hate relationship with TLC's Baby Story. Today I was flabbergasted by the lady who was baby #4 and she said something along the lines that being pregnant every year or two would be dandy with her and also that having her tubes tied was like killing her or taking the life right out of her, she felt empty... Okay I can understand this to some degree. I mean I am sad that we are done and even after some of the posts I have written recently I can see having another baby (WHICH WE ARE NOT SO DO NOT EVEN ASK or THINK THAT!)

But I do not think my life is over now that we done having babies. I feel like it is just beginning in some ways. It is neat to see Miss Pancake changing already. Her smiles and coos, her little bird legs turning into to chubby kissable baby goodness. Her sweet demeanor and the look she has on her face when she sees me like "ahhh I know you and I really think you are a pretty person to gaze upon" And pregnancy every year or two??? EKKKK. Scares me. Any who, I am rambling. Thank you for the supportive comments y'all. Emily, you can totally laugh at me and with me. I like that! I hope I making someone laugh because it makes it much much easier to laugh at myself at the end of the day!!

Day #1: FULL HOUSE

2008-09-02T17:42:00.004-04:00

Hmmm what word could I use to describe today?? Suckalious. Craptastic. Fucking Fun Filled FRUSTRATION? AND people actually choose to do this day in and day out, right? I mean for some people NOT going to work is like a choice and OMG does that Kate chick totally have EIGHT kids (and Kelly - UMMM Sainthood is being requested BY ME FOR YOU), 'cause hey TWO two kicked my ever loving ARSE today. YESH. Hell's bells. KILL ME NOW.

I am now glad the in laws are coming for like FOREVER and seriously they can stay FOREVER. I want to die. I want to ram a blade into my throat and call it a day BUT I still have to cook dinner (HA, left overs and a premade salad totally counts right?!??!), vacuum the basement because it has been since like April (ah yeah that would be M's birthday- please bring your kids by to hang out at my CLEAN clean house), breast feed 900 more times because I let the baby sleep all afternoon oh and yeah she SO will not sleep for me till about midnight so a mother's work is never done. Also, all the stress and worry I have felt the past two weeks is catching up in the form of indigestion so every time I think about eating I feel the storm pit of my stomach a BREWING and it is SO not pretty. Thank GAWD for Tums.

YES, I know I KNOW this is what I signed up (also this a bit tongue and cheek in case you were wondering though in part it is not)... please note I like to bitch about it no matter what. I cannot pretend that I love it all because DUDE I do not like some it. I do however love my son and this beautiful little baby who will totally breastfeed ANYWHERE and likes to sleep (OMG she will stop doing this soon, like any day now, HUH?!) I love that M can sing all the words to Wonder Pets and loves to dance to lame kid music (and gets me to dance to it to). I love that baby with all of my heart and soul and I feel totally blessed and seriously can a human be in love like that THREE times in their life, 'cause that rocks.

I love my kids, I love my life, I am happy but today I felt like I wanted to flee the Hurricane that was my world today and yet... yet I am still here and I will turn around and do it again tomorrow and the next day... thankfully until the inlaws arrive!

On a storm related note, PHOTOS (from last week. and also these photos are supposed to make up for the negative bitch fest I just had you know UP there. Yeah me.)

NEW Blog Alert

2008-09-01T16:02:00.003-04:00

Look who is BLOGGING now - yup that is my husband, K. Please disregard his stange sense of humor or enjoy it.

Baby Feet

2008-08-29T22:36:00.003-04:00

Baby toes make me smile.

I am feeling better. Thank you for the kind comments. Thank you to K for telling me to it will be okay. Thank you to Kelly for her help in getting my head on straight. Thank you to Jen for calling today and letting me blather on about everything and nothing. M and I will be a-okay & I know there will be moments that I am quite certain I will bitch about on here but that we will all be okay and at the end of the day we are good parents doing a great job!

Kelly (Shades of Gray) is going to have a baby - I know news flash if you do not read her blog BUT I mean the baby will be on the outside soon. She's breakin' out over the weekend! GO KELLY! We cannot wait to meet Waffle Syrup!!!

I want to be...

2008-08-27T10:22:00.004-04:00

light and happy right now. I really want to tell you about M's new obsession with Batman and how far he can jump (FAR). I want to tell you how excited I am for M to start soccer next month and how sweet he is with Miss Pancake. I want to say that I feel like I am being a great mommy of two and I want to say that without tears coming to my eyes because today I cannot say that and if I think about M tears come to my eyes.

M is a good little boy but he has been/is struggling with the changes in our house. I keep trying with all my might to remember he is three and this too shall pass but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want to protect and spend time with Miss Pancake without alienating M but M has been so frustrating and tiring to me that I find myself just shutting M out and he must sense this.

Last night was yet another miserable moment and I fear that I (we) am/are just screwing the little guy up. He flipped out again because I made dinner a bit early and he wanted to use some play-doh which I said "okay but after dinner." He threw a fit & he was counted to three and we put him in his room for a three minute time out. He tore his room apart again and cried for 45 minutes before I finally went in and told M he needed to start getting ready for bed (K was late picking up M and yes, it was THAT late...) I had to force my way into his room and he fled from his room when I finally got in there. Then M came out and sobbed into my shoulder before finally eating dinner.

Things did not get better after this. M would not go to sleep. We did the usual routine then M proceeded to tell us he was scared of alligators that come to his room every night (the night before he did this weird sleep walking freak out that he has been doing on and off for a few months where he needs to pee and I find him screaming in his room standing by the door - he is SO freaked out we cannot calm him down, get him to pee or get him back to sleep for a very long time.) Miss Pancake was having her usual evening melt down cry and K could not get her to calm down so I was trying to get both kids to calm down. I got Miss Pancake to sleep and K decided to call his mom when I hear M sobbing.

I wave K down and get him to go with M. A little later K is holding Miss Pancake and I heard M calling so I went into his room and he was not there. I look in our room and he was in there saying "Daddy said I could..." SIGH SIGH SIGH. I was like K what the hell were you thinking? Part of my anger comes from the fact that M totally dictates what we do when he gets in these moods.

I was tired and cranky and pissed off at K for letting M go into our room in part because we are trying to NOT let M run our lives and M did just that by telling his Dad he would sleep in our room and not his... SO I lost it. K finally reminded me that I needed to take the emotion of it and I got it together enough to get M to his bed and he went to sleep a full 2.5 hours AFTER we started the bed time routine.

I am tired of "fighting" M on every thing and I have massive amounts of fear of having M and Miss Pancake all day starting next week. M hardly listens to me and he does his own thing no matter what the discipline I dole out to him. I cannot just plunk M down in front of the TV 24/7 and I cannot ignore Miss Pancake's needs. My fears just becoming more and more fueled by the situations from the past few weeks. I am trying with all my might to be positive. I am working on a schedule for M when he is home with me and I am hoping for the best.

I really struggled with writing this because I do not want to bitch about the situation and really the truth is I just need to get it off my chest because I feel SO guilty for snarling at my child all the time, for being afraid of my son and his behavior, for feeling so out of control with him and also not being able to find a happy place with him. I am scared that my actions are hurting him and that is the furthest thing from my mind.

Obviously I love my son and I feeling so many bad feelings about M right now I just need to get it off my chest. I was not lying when I wrote that post the other day about being happy and not depressed. I am happy and not depressed but when it comes to M I am struggling, I am at a loss... that instruction manual that I wished for when he was 1st born well that one would sure come in handy now for how to be a good mommy to three year olds with new baby sisters...

The NEXT "Great One"*?

2008-08-26T08:27:00.005-04:00

M spontaneously asked K to play hockey the other day and it has become a favorite activity with Daddy. It is too cute and he totally does this goalie pose that I could not capture but trust me it is both humorous and would do his Uncle Jamie's heart proud (Uncle Jamie is K's friend from hockey who if this could not be more obvious but was a goalie - crazy man WANTED to be a goalie... we are NOT encouraging M to be a goalie - it just seems painful judging by the bruises and aches Jamie endured/endures to this day!)

BONUS Miss Pancake shot - Is she communing with the dolphins OR just giving Mommy some hand's free time? A little of both ;)

* For you non hockey people, The Great One refers to #99, Wayne Gretzky - WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS, RIGHT?! Also, too bad M is signed up for Soccer this fall and NOT hockey...

Week 4 ALREADY!?

2008-08-25T08:43:00.004-04:00

Oh, oh HI! Yes, I am alive and here and surviving. Holy cow what a month. And A MONTH?!??! I mean seriously when did that happen? Miss Pancake is starting her fourth week on this earth and really it seems like she has always been here in our house. She is just the coolest and M is the best big brother ever! M gave me a hug and kiss good-bye this morning and unsolicited he gave Miss Pancake a kiss and hug and then said 'I love you Baby Miss Pancake' (oh the tears... actually I did not tear up, I just smiled ;) He even held her yesterday and he grinned from ear to ear the entire time!!!

We are doing well though we did have a brief ah issue all day Saturday until I realized 'holy crap I am trying to freeze the poor baby to death'. Despite the fact that it was hotter then heck the air conditioning was/is COLD.... As soon as I realized that she was COLD & put her in something warm, she slept like a champ.

Really the most "interesting" experience for me has been the fact that I have felt virtually no depression with Miss Pancake like I did with M. I have had over wrought feelings and tired moments but nothing unusual which just under scores how horrid I was feeling with M. After three years I just assumed maybe I blew those feeling out of proportion but I think it is safe to say that what I felt was real back then with M. What a huge difference! I am enjoying each moment & not wishing away the time or feeling all the hideous scary feelings I felt when M was a baby and holy crap we are starting week 4 - seriously each moment in those early months seemed to last a year but with Miss Pancake the first weeks have gone by quickly and not just because this #2 since M has been at K's house during that time (whoa holy shitty run on poorly stuctured sentence...)

I am just happier, different, more open, less tired, less shell shocked, less frustrated - I could not ask for a more wonderful experience!

Miss Pancake sitting pretty in Winnie the Pooh

Friday Night Family Night!!!

Brother & Sister sitting together before Enchanted

Proud Daddy & Miss Pancake before FNFN

Close up doing tummy & back time

Kiddie Recipe That Rocks!!!

2008-08-20T13:09:00.005-04:00

SO I bought a Parent magazine for the first time since banning them toward the end of my pregnancy. My fears have abaited (something about using Retin A for a period of time before discovering I was pregnant the 2nd time even though it was the lowest dose available & the doc told me I would need bathe in it for it to do harm to a fetus... You just never want to read an article about how horrible Retin A is for your unborn fetus and OMG BAD MOMMY GAH PARENTAL GUILT ALREADY...) Gee so there was that. Any who, there was a advertisement for Eggo waffles. I do not buy Eggos but rather some whole grain organic equivilent but this recipe was too good to not steal, I mean try...

Put the frozen waffle in the toaster and toast.
Take it out and spread with jam (we eat sugar free local jam - Dillman's go LOCAL and also once you get used to the non sweet sweetness of sugar free jam you will never go back, maybe...)
Cut up bananas slices and place on top of jam.
(How's that for an easy, sneaky semi healthy AM meal?!)

Cut into four "slices" and tell your child that it is Banaroni Pizzas. My suddenly VERY picky eater of a child ate the whole thing and even licked his fingers afterward!

Something to say...

2008-08-19T10:30:00.003-04:00

I have no idea what. Thoughts randomly come and go from my head lately faster then I can remember them. Likely this has to do with a slight lack of sleep. Also, Miss Pancake... mornings are not her forte at this point, yet. I can get her to nap a bit but she simply does not nap well (see also throwing the dogs out the front door and not caring if they ever return... Please note: I would NOT do this. I just dream about it ;)

Dude NEW KIDS ON BLOCK VIDEO on VH1 - why did they seem SO hot when I was 13??? Oh wait hormones. Okay that guy is kind of cute in that aging boy band sort of way. SEE random.

My boss is supposed to come by and visit this morning but I have no idea when. I thought she might come by earlier then she said initially but I must be wrong on that front. Also, can I just say that I have taken to eating my son's snack foods in the morning because we have not been the grocery store in two weeks. My choice each morning while Kevin is still home is to eat or take a shower/brush teeth. You bet your booty I take the shower and have fresh breath over eating (see also baby won't nap very well in the morning.)

I have scheduled our first "photo shoot" for this afternoon with our photographer for newborn photos. I am excited and hoping it goes well but have no expectations. Miss Pancake seems to have (OMG am I admitting on the Internet??? because shoot me now and also just start knocking on wood now) to have a schedule. She naps each morning from 9:30-11:00a and then she sleep from about 2:00p till 5:00p and any time from 6:30p to 10:30p (which I suppose that stops being a nap that late in the evening, eh?) The photo shoot is at 2:00p so I am hoping she is not TOO grouchy about staying up an extra hour. I will let you all know how it goes.

Can I tell you a pathetic secret? I totally know when the mail person comes and wait with anticipation to see the mail truck go by so I (we) can go out and get the mail. I would make such a bad stay at home mom... Seriously. I have these crazy highlights to my day. Mail truck. Days of Our Lives. Oprah. The boys come home from work/school. Boo-yah. Bet you cannot beat that for excitement. I should add afternoon nap for the baby but now that I mentioned her schedule it will change entirely I am sure.

Did you manage to slog through this pathetic post??? Yes, well there is more. First, I did manage to do some pretty healthy eating (well you know discounting M's snacks for breakfast) and I brought the five lb weights upstairs and have been doing random weight lifting as well as something I like to call "baby legs". That is lunges, squats and random walking/bouncing while holding the baby who does not like to be put down. Hey at least I am doing something, right.

I have to tell you all - I have been meaning to write this for about two weeks. I mentioned that K has totally rocked at this daddy of two things. He has been great - supportive and loving and trying to help me through any crazy feelings/thoughts I might be having. BUT the other half of this equation is how wonderful everyone has been. My peeps yo (omg how late 90s can I be???) The meals, the gifts, the flowers, the check in's, etc... It has meant the world to me even if I do not call or email back right away I just want you to know that you all are the best best friends/family/co-workers a gal could ask for. As for my neighbors can I just tell you I thought our neighborhood totally sucked just like the first one. The older couple across the street (Rosalyn and Larry) brought a freakin' gift over for Miss Pancake. I almost died and wanted to hug and kiss her. The other neighbors check in on us and give us fresh veggies from their garden. I just feel wrapped up in care and I cannot really express how wonderful that really is.

Top Half or Bottom Half of the Muffin?

2008-08-18T10:18:00.003-04:00

Muffin top... grr I am not a fan of this term. I like to think of it as the skin and fat my body needed to support a baby. Okay so with M I had this extra skin and fat for almost two years before I decided to take action. AND I still had ten lbs of weight to lose before I became pregnant again. Okay, so yeah I just do not like muffin top because I SO HAVE IT, UGH.

Over the weekend, a particularly stressful weekend where I ate like crap, I decided to make an effort a little sooner this time. I have a goal in mind - nothing too difficult. It entails the fact that I am turning THIRTY FIVE in November. I am sort of in awe that I am going to be half way through my 30s in a few months but that is neither here nor there (or a whole other post entirely ;) I figure that is a solid goal for weight loss.

I gained 40 lbs with this pregnancy PLUS the 10 lbs I never lost from my pregnancy with M. I begrudgingly got on the scale the other day and lo I have lost 24 lbs of the 40! Which totally rocks but I know this rapid weight loss tapers off soon, or it did for me the first time.

Nursing did not keep the weight off as promised plus when I tried to lose weight with M the first time my milk supply dipped rapidly so I went with that and decided it meant I could eat anything. I dove into everything bad from ice cream to high fat granola even regular fat yogurt. It was sort of frightening how unhealthy I was for the first two years of M's life. My milk on the other hand was apparently HIGHLY nutritious as M was at the top of the charts in height/weight despite the fact that he spit 90% of the milk up without fail every time he nursed.

ANY WHO, so my goal is to get down to the weight I was prior to getting pregnant with Miss Pancake. This would mean I would still have 10 lbs to go beyond that to get back to what I was before M was born but I am looking at baby steps. SO that means I would need to lose 16 lbs between now and November 11th. I was also considering training for something like a fall 5k race whether I run or walk it is still a question mark but right now I am going to start small.

I was recently thrilled to discover that with our cable network we have this On Demand thing. On Demand has section called the Free Spot. And on the Free spot there is a section called Exercise TV!!! I can choose from numerous workouts so I can do most everything while I am home in addition to the recumbent bike, the exercise ball and some weights we have in the basement. I hoping that will get me on the road to being fit and healthy again.

The hardest part of this situation will be giving up junk food. I am in love with eating certain things especially sweets right now. Since I cannot exactly exercise just yet I figure I work on the diet side of things while just doing some light weights. Actually the hardest part of this will be finding the time to exercise on top of taking care of two kiddos, working, keeping up the house, etc... I know being healthy has always been the lowest priority for me since I had M. I know it is important but spending time with my kiddos is #1, then work & home then me. I am trying make this list a bit more equalized this time so I am not always last...

Goals. Ugh, writing them makes them real no? Accountable? Oy. Okay well I am off to find those weights and do some lunges. Wish me luck, eh?

TWO WEEKS?!

2008-08-15T11:53:00.003-04:00

Wow, when did that happen? I mean last week I was limping about feeling like my body had been through hell and back. This week, meh, I feel ten thousand times better! All regions are feeling better, thankyouverymuch (TMI... with birth is there really such a thing???)

My dogs are driving me batty. Every time someone visits I have to apologize for their rude behavior. And the barking out the back door at virtually NOTHING only to wake the wee sleeping baby. GAH, I know it was the same with M and I was TOTALLY ready to send both of them packing then too. I cannot decide which of these two hounds is worse and yet I still love them deeply. ** TOTAL lie Santana is worse because he is one pissed off pup and peed on M's new tool bench. Thankfully I noticed this and cleaned it up before M noticed... SIGH.

Any who, Miss Pancake had her two week appointment today. She was her usual self. She took it all in stride. Even when K tried to put her little sun dress on upside down. Heh. The stats:
She was 20-1/2 inches when born
Today she is 21-1/2 inches (75-90%)

She weighed 8 lbs 11 oz at birth (and she dropped to 8 lbs 4 oz when we took her to the doctor three days later.)
Today she weighed in at 9 lbs 12 oz (75-90%)

This momma could once again be a wet nurse and feed several babies at any given time of the day. Poor girl almost had a squirt of milk to her eye this morning, it missed and hit her in her hair... I told her milk makes ones hair silky and soft. She did not seem to appreciate my levity. Oy.

Her cord fell off three days ago and she definitely has been having more waking time. She has also developed a habit of being up from 4am to 6am JUST LIKE M. This has been waking M up at the ungodly hour of 5:30a the past few days. It is like colic in the morning. Weird. Oh well.

I knew this would be the case and it is true - it is like Miss Pancake has always been in our house, a part of our lives. There are definitely moments especially with M but the past two weeks have been relatively positive. I definitely have my fears in the coming weeks that I will need to overcome, to be strong about and deal with. I am sure I will write more on this - for the moment I am not quite ready to think about it. I am also trying to mentally prepared for some too long extended visit with in laws during the month of September. WAIL... (seriously they are helping me out so I cannot be TOO negative about the length of their visit but still... come on in laws in my house for three weeks??? Feel for me, just a little bit, please!?)

Space Aliens!

2008-08-13T15:39:00.002-04:00

My son the space alien (a la Little Bear!)

Miss Pancake's first trip the park

K & M riding the slide at the park!

Miss Pancake's first bath (sort of, you know the sponge kind.) I just washed her hair and the little chubby folds around her neck, arms and legs. She was lovely for the entire thing!

What? Who doesn't like photos??? I swear I have more to say then just the photos and I spend all the time I am nursing composing these great blog subjects in my head but then I get to tired to get to them or I want to read this great new book I bought or I am working (yes really I started back to work already during the nap times...)

Miss Pancake was up all morning today which is good and bad (I am tired and I think I just needed a few minutes of a break but I also enjoyed her big blue eyes and chatting away to her about everything and nothing...) I cannot tell if it was the relative peace and quiet of no Daddy and M or just me the milk truck that kept her up. Go figure K came home and put her right to sleep. She has barely stirred since he left... big ole fat freakin' sigh (if he could lactate I would let him nurse her and see how hard it is to get a baby back to sleep when the milk glands are pressing against her nose!)