Welcome to My World!

The End

2010-11-10T10:43:00.000-05:00

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
That is kind of personal. I will say yes, I was teenager, maybe 16? I have had depression as long as I can remember. My early memories of being depressed are very vivid. I remember feeling this heavy weight settling and feeling listless and lost and angry. Very very angry. Hateful and dangerous. I remember not wanting to get up, out of bed, not wanting to get up from the television and as I got older and the depression was deeper, I would eat anything and everything in sight. And I would read and/or watch TV and if I could not leave the house. No one ever stopped me from this. My mother was far to wrapped up in her life and her drama in SF anyway. I hated myself all the time, depressed or not. I thought about taking pills but I settled for a knife. I remember sitting on that couch with the knife at my wrist, the knife was pointed in the right direction to prove deadly. I sat like that for a long time before I got up, crying, put the knife away and went on living. Albeit a very destructive life but I do not know. I never tried this again. I never thought about dying like that again. I have no idea why I stopped or what made me change my mind now but I just know I decided that was a bad idea.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Everything.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Have the baby, take care of the baby, raise the baby and love that baby. What else is there to do at this juncture in my life?!

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Oy. So much, so little time. I hope to change being fear. I hope to change my short temper. I hope to change trusting people so quickly then ending up hurting and blaming myself for this destructive relationship behavior. I hope to live in the now and let go of the past and the future. I hope to change my social awkwardness and embrace the happy me around me people. I hope to change how I can put my foot in my mouth at times making for socially ACK-ward moments. Why? Because this is what I hope to change about myself. All are good things to hope for when it comes to change. Hope is part of what makes us humans, right?

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Dear Me,

I love me. I love the inner child me that felt hurt and angry and suffering. I love my laughter and how if I can just let go, how much I can laugh and have fun and not be so serious. I love that my self talk has changed this past year. That I am working hard on this. That never let myself get beat down, that I have changed how I deal with being depressed.

I love reading and writing and photography and music. I love my children, that having kids has been like wearing my heart outside my chest all the time. I love my pride in my children. I love K. I love how happy I feel because I am making that choice every day. I love my cozy bed and my happy home. I love that we are close to paying off one part of our mortgage and we can actually see the end of the road on the other mortgage. I never would have thought that possible years ago.

I love my job, my co workers and my cubby (even though I have to move in a few weeks.) I love that I accept my body now. I accept the roundness of my belly and my bum and my shortness all things that just are what they are. I love that I am good natured and trusting and that while people take advantage of that or use it against me that is okay. I love that like to learn. I love to travel.

I have finally fully learned to embrace the beauty of nature. It is breathtaking and amazing. It takes my breath away. Now I get my Mom and how she used to try to point it out to me. My teenage self hated this about her but now I get it. Natural beauty makes my heart stop. I love to see what is on the inside of me, that deep down, I can accomplish all that I have ever dreamed of accomplishing just my letting go of some of the old stuff that still lives inside of me. I love seeing all of the new things the world has to offer. I find myself enjoying finally the fact that I am good at certain things and not at other things and that is okay.

I love that I waited to get married, I waited to find something who compliments and (cheesily) completes me. I am glad that I waited to have kids. I love that tomorrow I turn 37 and NOT 27. I love who I have become and who I am becoming.

I feel lucky and blessed and truly the roads that led me to this day and this point my life are amazing, flawed and painful, beautiful and heartbreaking, but I am hear to say it.

Love, ME

And that is that...

2010-11-07T21:26:00.001-05:00

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two get into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Hug her, apologize, find a way to help make it better, remember to be humble about life and all the gifts that it gives us.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Drank too much on many occasions and really there is just that one time that haunts my dreams and will probably never leave me no matter how much I try to let it go.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Travelled more to the places I want to go and see, lived in another country, and seen the world through young eyes before I had children.

Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
(Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Not sure I quite have the time and energy for this one.
Maybe another day.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
That day a car very nearly hit me on my street where I was riding my bike. I just went back up onto the side walk. I was maybe nine or ten. This was on Tatra Drive. The man was drunk and for some reason he ended up in our neighborhood which to this day makes me wonder how or why but he did. Our neighborhood that lead to nothing and was not connected to anything and was essentially a giant tract neighborhood like they all were in San Jose back in the day. Three streets and a loop. He drove down our street going maybe 50 MPH and ran his car head long into a large tree on the corner of Tatra Court. He swerved barely missing me. I swear to you can still feel the sweep of that car and see the look in his eyes. I remember my heart pounding and pulse racing and knowing full well that I had just escaped death. I never told anyone about this, ever. Not even my parents. I just sat on my bike and watched the ambulance come and the police and all the neighbors come out and now I think that somehow that drunk driver would come to define my life, my near brush with death. That I had to follow a strange road that involved drugs and alcohol and a bad relationship to see how lucky I was to still be alive because I escaped that one drunk driver in the middle of the day on our quiet little street in San Jose CA.

Days of Truth

2010-11-02T14:55:00.001-04:00

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I could definitely without a doubt live without drama. BOO drama BOO.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Stones From The River: I used to fully believe that all Germans were Nazis when Hitler was in charge. That they all just drank the kool aide and followed him into a hellish evil existence. This book taught me that no stoopid that is not true. Most Germans did not believe nor accept Nazi Germany nor did they want Hitler as their leader but he became so powerful so fast and would kill or harm anyone who dared to say he was not a good leader/person that many of the German people had no choice but to live with him, live in fear of him and forever be marked by him.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I feel people who are loving and committed and want to show it should be able to irregardless of sexual orientation. There is no where in the bible or religious doctrine that says it should not be so and dude you can point to whatever passage that is that says (oh and I am paraphrasing here) marriage between a man and a woman in a union BS and I will say ANYTHING can be interpreted the way you want it to be. Think AMENDMENTS. When our forefathers said right to bear arms, they were not thinking AKA 47s and UZIs to gun done thine neighbor...
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Huh. Well, I think we all have the right to believe in who or what we want to. We should never be extreme in our beliefs. We should always be open to learn more and change our beliefs. We should try to understand other religions/politics and learn from them rather then fight about them. I believe that most religions and politics have some innate problems namely that humans have twisted and turned things to suit their needs with little regard for the initial intent. I feel like when I am in nature, in my natural life, being present, living in the now, I experience the most grace, the extreme beauty this world has to offer and that mother nature is really the only deity in this world that we can rely on without question and yes, even in her most destructive, intense moments.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
In moderation, I feel like alcohol is fine for me. With that said, I think there is complete loss of control in our society over both. It is madness. Both do more harm then good always. I live in fear of what genetics will bring to my kids given the addictions that are very present on both sides of our family. I know that rather then fear I need to teach tolerance and moderation and being smart and living clean and so I do.

HUM BABY

2010-11-02T08:41:00.004-04:00

SF GIANTS WIN.
SF GIANTS WIN.
SF GIANTS WIN.

Back to your regularly scheduled life. :)

Nine Hundo

2010-10-26T15:42:00.001-04:00

With that last post, between this blog and the other blog I pushed over 900 posts.

FUCKING fantastic. Either a fantastic waste of time OR a well documented wonder!

HA.

Falling Behind

2010-10-26T15:38:00.001-04:00

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
That I do not know. I hardly pay attention to compliments if I get them. I think I only tend to look at the bad things...

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
A list that never ends. Honestly I am so not aware of this... I mean sure I can think of things I would never compliment myself on like oh I do not know my sparkling happy personality? My ability to be an outstanding friend. My foul mouth? HA I actually could move that one of to compliments I receive the most. Many people are amazed (appalled) by my foul mouth. One person said you look so sweet and yet you have a mouth that is worse then a truck driver. Fabulous...

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Dave Matthews Band.
Dear Dave et al,

I love you guys. You have helped me through light happy moments and deep dark moments. I can remember playing songs over and over while driving and crying and I never felt alone with you all playing away in the car with me. I fell for you the moment I heard you from a friend when I lived in Milwaukee in 1996. I wanted to see you in concert at Summerfest but had no money. Do you even play venues like that any more? Oh well. You are my strength. I love to hear my kids signing words to your songs and I love your songs most of which still resonate with me to this day.

You guys rock. Keep on keeping!

Love, me

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Errr, is it weird to not have a hero per say? I guess my dad and he let me down when I was younger but I have learned so much from that both good and bad. I have no desire to write a letter to him about this. He was my hero. I worshipped him as a kid/teen/young adult (I count young adulthood as going into my mid 20s, FYI.) I wanted to much to be like him and lord knows I tried and failed which is very likely a good thing. If I had kept it up, I would likely not be here to write this today given the lifestyle I was leading. SO that is that...

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Weird. Food. Yes, my fucked up relationship with food. I battle it daily. I battle it hourly some times.

Kevin. We lived apart for the better part of the first year of our relationship. We knew we were meant to be together when it felt all wrong to be like that. Ten years later I am glad we made the decision to stay together. Cheesy but he truly completes me!

Breaking

2008-10-06T10:40:00.003-04:00

Or is that braking? Well, I have to say that I love to blog. I love to write. I love to post my children's accomplishments and I love to read about your lives but recently I have felt a lack of desire to write here or anywhere. I have had this issue for years. Some of it does have to do with being down about things and I tend to hide out or make myself scarce when I am feeling blue or down right depressed. I am not blue or down right depressed at the moment - mostly just blah.

At the moment, I feel I need to prioritize my life better. I am suddenly going to be THIRTY FIVE in ONE month and it seems like I am still dealing with feelings I had when was in my teens and early 20s. I am tired of feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts. I cannot write about them freely here and that frustrates me in a way I cannot explain. I likely will turn to a more private journal for myself to work through things.

I am not saying I will never write here again or post photos but I think it is time for me to take a break from the bloggity blog world. My family is a priority and in a few weeks my job will be right there taking precedence next to my family. It is important to me to feel like I am being successful at both in a good way! I only have a certain amount of time to enjoy my family and K & I have certain goals regarding our jobs that make it that much more important to me.

For a long while I have felt terrible that I let my physical body, my friendships, and my mental space lapse so badly. I cannot allow my family and job to get jumbled like those things have.

I want you all to know that my friends are very important to me but unfortunately as much as I wish I could change the past few years I have often let friendships take a back seat to family and work. I have spent a lot time missing my son during the 40+ hours I spend at work. So I race home to see him and now my daughter will be in the mix they need me and I want to be with them. They are NUMBER 1 no matter what is happening with me and my life. I cannot keep up blogging when it comes to work since that is when I most often read and write blogs. Blogging was taking up a significant amount of time at work throughout pregnancy and that needs to stop when I go back to work. I am nursing so exhaustion is a factor and I will not give up nursing because I love it. My job needs me. My husband needs me obviously. I can only handle so much emotionally. That is also something I have learned about post partum life for me.

I am terrible with the phone and email. Please do not take this personally. If you do, TELL ME. I hate that. Not knowing when something is wrong - I am pretty horrid with confrontation but in a weird way I also prefer it. I think it makes friendships stronger and better if talking out issues is done in a good way ;).

Thank you for being supportive of me here on this blog and always in my life :)

PS: I hope this makes sense. I feel like I am making no sense as of late...

Giggles Rock

2008-10-03T13:43:00.001-04:00

Miss Pancake just had her first social giggle with me today 10-03 at 1:42pm and it was totally completely lovely and awesome to hear!! YAY!

Nananana BATMAN!

2008-10-02T13:16:00.003-04:00

Party Hats Rock!

M & Miss Pancake say "PARTY ON PEOPLE!"

Miss Pancake - all 14 lbs of her...

Batman

BATMAN RETURNS!

AGGGGGGG A dinosaur (check out the slippers - yes those are dinosaur feet. They make me laugh every time he puts them on!)

My babies and their blankets

Baby Fat

2008-10-01T14:41:00.004-04:00

I took Miss Pancake to the doctor today just to be safe. We had to see the NP which does not thrill me because just about every time we see her we end up back there three days later with something she missed. The NP said there is nothing wrong with her. To treat her eye like it is contagious (bahahaha) but that it supposedly looks fine (just like the last three ear infections M had that she missed...) Some how her words STILL made me feel better even though I do not trust her.

The crazy thing was Miss Pancake's weight: 14 lbs 6 oz. O. M. G.

Happenings

2008-09-30T21:44:00.004-04:00

Dudes, I did it: 139 baby. And not like 139.8 but 139.2. I am starving 24/7 right now but I am thrilled to be in the 130s. Even if it is at the top of the 130s! Rock on.

Miss Pancake seems to have something going on with her. She has a gooey eye and has been super fussy and unhappy the past day or two. It is hard to say if this is just normal 2 month old stuff or that she has something more going on. I am hoping for the normal 2 month stuff. We shall see tomorrow.

My dog. Ugh my dog. Santana - the first and forgotten baby. He is sick too. They thought it was a bladder infection but after a full round of antibiotics he is still peeing all over our house and it is YUCK bloody pee. I feel rotten for the little guy and yet the vet bill was close to $200 two weeks ago. GAH.

The market is insane and scary and holy hell how did we get here as a nation. I saw a bumper sticker today that made me smile. It said 1.20.09. I had to get super close to the poor car in front of me to read below that number. It said "Bush's last day in office." Now I can only pray that politically speaking we pick the right people to take care of the mess we are currently in. sigh.

I am reading a book called Milk Memos. At first it made me look forward to going back to work in some ways. Then this evening for no reason as I was nursing Miss Pancake and reading the book I started to cry my eyes out. It made me realize returning to work will be no easier this time.

I am tired and going to bed now but I must upload the photos of M tomorrow. They are from the trial run of his costume and these crazy new slippers we bought for him.

A Whole Lot of Nothing

2008-09-26T20:58:00.004-04:00

I have had a lot to say but not a lot of time to write. This week was sort of sucky but in a good way... is that possible? Yeah well that is what it was. Nothing out right bad happened. Mostly it was just a long tiresome week. I think a big part of this had to with the in laws leaving. Their visit went well. Mostly because they totally held Miss Pancake and played with Matthew 24/7. I managed to accomplish absolutely nothing when they were here of course. Like work, umm I have not done a lick of work in four weeks. I am struggling with this but hopefully once the nanny starts working part time next week I can get back on track. I am still trying to slog my way through thank you cards for gifts and meals that people gave us for Miss Pancake's birth and the birth announcements have gone out to all US residents but the Canadians... well thankfully the in laws came because they still would not have received their announcement.

I really need to figure out what clothes I can wear. I walked into Kroger yesterday wearing a billowy maternity shirt and pants and I was like CRAP I look like crap, officially. It has been 8 weeks and I have lost 30 lbs so I think I should be able to find some shirts to fit me that do not show off the 20 lbs I still have to lose and yet are not the shirt I was wearing because it was the only thing that barely fit me when I was 9 months preggo, right!? We are going to the outlets tomorrow morning... I have high hopes to get some clothing for me. We shall see. On a related random note - K and I both started working out again. However the stressful week made us cave and run to Kroger for ice cream. THE GUILT... See I have a lot to say but nothing important. Annoying. Here are some new things:

M is totally into super heroes and we play super hero games incessantly. He is going to be Batman for Halloween. He also tried to talk me into letting him wear his batman shirt two days in a row. Alright, I already let my kid dress himself which makes his look like I do not care what he is wearing (for the record I do but I cannot stop him from choosing the bright green athletic shorts and the light blue surfer shirt on top with the orange crocs and red Canada hat, kay?! That is all HIM and omg he is SO a product of his father ;)

M is getting this reading thing. He digs it. He is actually getting good at it. Most of it is memorization. He has memorized several books, he likes us to change the words in the books so he can tell us the right words and he has been getting the whole phonics thing. He is super curious about sounding things out - he will say c, c, c-at. I place this solidly on Word World and Super Why. These two shows kick ass.

M is randomly into Fireman Sam. A really bad Scottish (???) show. I hate it personally but he likes it and wants to play fireman all the time now.

Miss Pancake has bad gas. From me. Talk about parental gas. I know woe is me too much milk and a let down that could shoot a can off a fence but it really does suck. Yes, my kids gain weight easily and I could likely nurse 4 kids at once as well as nurse for five years and never see a difference in my milk production but have you ever dealt with a baby who had gas issues brought on by you? She sobs (REAL TEARS NOW TOO), kicks, bleats, hits (unintentionally of course) and this is all day these days. Gas relief stuff which worked fairly well with her brother does not seem to make a difference for her. I am going to start to pump this weekend. I am hopeful that taking a bottle will help her. I know M stopped having so many issues with gas after around 6 months but really he had these problems until we really started any solid around 8 months. SO I have lots to look forward to in the coming months.

In the same vein, I found some great articles/web sites about over producing milk that helped me to feel like less of freak then I did with Matthew. I felt terrible complaining to anyone about my milk supply because I know a lot of people struggle with even being able to breast feed. For the record, I am less frustrated this time. Because I knew how it was going to be for me. I hoped that Miss Pancake would deal better with it then M did and it seemed like things were going well until last week when she started struggling A LOT.

Since I bitched a bit here are some random photos to go along with my random thoughts:

Sibling Love

M and his favorite things: television, Bluesie (the dog doll) and his blanket

Smiles

More smiles for the camera

This could either be titled "Santana protecting Miss Pancake" OR "HEY I USED to be your favorite, what the HELL happened?"

Reflections of my Mom

2008-09-20T11:11:00.004-04:00

You sit before me in your little swing, sleeping. Your little mouth twisted up in a bow. Your hands relaxed. A little yellow fleece ducky sleeper warming your body. You are sweet, calm. You are beautiful.

Week 8, I wonder about this. Has time really slipped by this quickly. It never did with your brother it seemed the seconds and minutes seemed to stretch an hour out forever but I was a different person, in a different space, a different time in my life.

I am loving each moment with you from the sweet coos to the night time nursing. Even being so tired feels less painful. Not that I did not cherish any of this any less then I did with M. I am just more calm today about it all. And yet I cannot change the fact that time is speeding by for you and me and M and K. We have all changed so much in these first seven weeks of your life. I wonder about time and space and how quickly it all passes us by. If I do not stop and grab some moments they will be gone. Replaced by different and more exciting moments but never the same as now with my sweet little baby girl.

My mom told me recently that she was always wishing for peace and quiet when we were kids growing up. This was not meant in malice, I know this. She came to this country lonely and remains lonely in many ways to this day, by her own doing but still... at 68 that must be a regretful feeling. I understand what she means more and more as I grow older. Our relationship has always been strained and frustrating for me. Filled with unsaid things and memories that are mine and hers yet so different. There has been anger and even hatred on my part toward her and my family in the past. But I have come to peace with stuff. I choose just not to make it important any more.

Many of the fears I had swirling about M over the past weeks had to do with my fear that I was like my mom. My only example. And yet why? She was a good mom in many ways. Toward the end of my childhood when I think she wished for that peace and senerity from the children she was not a good mom in many ways but it was a hard time - our family slowly disintegrating because of depression and alcoholism in equal parts. She did her best with what she had.

She stayed home with three children, a house wife and mother. She had a high school education and no job. She stood up for us and tried her best. She loved us even with her strange ways of showing love. I ask her questions with this baby and let her in our world more and more. I do not fear the repercussions like I used to, of saying the wrong thing to her, to hurt her feelings. I know today at nearly 35 that what she did, leaving her family, her country, her language behind to live in this country was hard and scary and difficult. That she raised three children while her husband traveled the globe making nuclear plants a reality for countries that were once struggling small developing countries and are now super powers or at war or communist empires while my mom did the more difficult task of taking care of kids, a home, making a comfortable life for us as best she could with the limited tools in her tool box. I respect my mother more today then I ever have in the past.

At 35, I can finally see her for who she was back then learning a foreign language, living in a foreign land, making friends out of nothing and raising babies with little help from her spouse. The days that are chaos in my own house I think of her and her wish for peace and quiet. She said that she cannot believe she ever wished for that, she said 'look what I got? Peace and quiet and now I just wish for all the wild loud noise and mess and kids again.' You are starting your 8th week and I promise to never wish for peace and quiet, I promise to cherish the noise and craziness because one day in the not to distant future I may one day have all the peace and quiet I ever wanted and I do not think it is worth it.

Photo Life

2008-09-18T14:04:00.004-04:00

Familiar refrain: "Digger Mommy Digger"

Oh Baby - Num...

And she is thinking "Num num mmmm ah FINNNNGER sooooo SOOTHING"

Family Movie Night and Popcorn = A happy quiet three year old!

Daddy and baby sleeping on couch

Me and my babies (and my freaking cleavage - why YES that is a maternity shirt, wanna make something out of it?!?!?!) I kid, sort of.

Bubble over M's head would likely read "I think Coach Lindsey is trying to make me look foolish. Hmm everyone else is doing it so I gueeees it is okay."

My pathetic attempt at "professional" looking photos...

WHY CAN'T I MASTER THE STUPID CAMERA???? WAIL. Any who, she looked so grown up in all her 7 week glory with her little Trumpette socks and boat neck onsie - I could not resist! (ALSO, yes she is about to cry but I did something stupid with my face and averted a disaster... that is post disaster. Cute, eh?)

Really Random

2008-09-12T21:12:00.003-04:00

I had my six week post partum exam on Thursday and I am officially healed (I could have told you this without the appointment but the appointment was already paid for so what the heck, right?) We discussed birth control again and I decided to try that ring thing. Has anyone else used this kind of birth control? I am a little leery of it over all and of course the caveat to birth control is a decreased milk supply when nursing... this could be a good thing in my case. Mostly I am freaked about hormones and nursing.

M is totally into super heroes. It was rather cute at first but now like construction equipment and trains, I am sort of over it.

The cool thing about his new love of Batman is that he has taught himself to "read". He memorized a book called 'I am Batman' and can "read" the whole thing himself. However, I think we trotted that talent out one to many times because he now refuses to do it. He still knows all the words to several books and I can see him moving his lips as I read a book. I am SO excited for him to learn to read by himself - I think he will love being able to read his own books and I think it will be fun to let him read to me now rather then the other way around because HOLY CRAP it is SO cute to hear my kid read a book!

Miss Pancake started tracking people and objects really well recently. I think she could probably do this about a week ago but I just noticed it earlier this week.

Don't you hate it when the tornado sirens go off and it looks perfectly clear outside? Yet, still tornado sirens = FREAKED THE FUCK RIGHT OUT!!! I will never get used to them it seems!

I am down to 142 in weight. I have not been doing crap to lose weight. In fact I have seen a slight uptick in crappy eating the past couple of days (which would coincide with my in laws arriving...) I am now 12 pounds from my goal weight of 130. However I did the math and I would need to lose 2 lbs a week for the next six weeks to make it to 130 by my birthday... I am not sure I can do that because I am not making the time to work nor am I eating properly. This is not a concession by any means but I am trying to be realistic about the situation.

I went to Target today. I hate the college students in our college town. It is official. I was seriously run over by several today. Two different girls in the same group walked right in front of the stroller like they did not see it and did not even offer an apology - they actually did not even look. They roam around in packs like wolves and quite frankly most of them seem a bit snotty. On the flip side, I am totally entertained by the conversations that I am privy to. Cracks me right the hell up.

Finally, dear over tanned halfed naked girl from the East coast - if your credit card is declined do not keep trying to get it to go through while you bitch to your mother on your iPhone about how she needed to transfer $250 today, not tomorrow. Just walk away - it is ONLY an ugly brown canvas hamper. Ha, and I am glad you did not get your stupid hamper because you never even apologized to me or even offered me sad eyes about the fact that your were LETTTING MY BABY CRY... while your credit card was declined FIVE times... SIGH. I was committed to the check out at this point because I was holding said screaming baby in my arms trying to calm her!

I spent $100 bucks on I do not know what. I totally randomly rolled Miss Pancake around the store while she slept and packed stuff on top of the stroller. I would have spent WAY more (I was Christmas shopping) but I could not fit shit on the stroller. I bought a new diaper bag that is actually kind of nifty even though I really wanted a back pack diaper bag. The backpack diaper bag I wanted was $89 (and needed to be ordered online so it would have been even more) and the one I bought was only $29. I bought M some new shoes, a TP holder for the kid's bathroom, the rest of Miss Pancake's Halloween "costume", a new book, and a Batman toy for M. I was mostly trying to get a sense of what is in the toy world right now. M wants a scooter so that is what he will get. We also decided that we do not need more "stuff". I have this overwhelming need to cut back so we decided to limit the number of presents we get for each kid this year and we figure this is practical for the future as well. What are you all planning to get for kids for Christmas?

Happiness is...

2008-09-10T22:57:00.002-04:00

That title comes from some hippy dippy 60s book type thing my sister had. It was a little book called Happiness is... with this cute little girl who showed what happiness is (or is that was?) I loved that little funny orange book and I used to sneak into her room to just look at the pictures and contemplate what Happiness is...

The other day I was standing the kitchen holding Miss Pancake. Holding her tight because she was not feeling well from the latest virus making its rounds in our town. She had this tiny little cough that just broke my heart. I was holding her partly because I can and partly because she was not feeling great and really just wanted to be held. I could hear K and M playing, giggling, yelling in the yard below. The weather has been lovely, cool and sunny. Just the perfect early fall weather that I love. I had my nose buried in Miss P's hair. I was gazing out the window at the early evening light, the late summer green of the trees and I put my hand on her head to steady her still wobbly head.

I was startled by the thought that 'my god I will never be able to hold my daughter's head in my hand again one day soon'. I can barely pick M up these days. He is huge, 40 lbs of stocky boy. Miss P is getting bigger with each passing moment. The time is flying! I am half way through maternity leave, she is suddenly six weeks old. She has outgrown a clothing size and a diaper size. She can almost hold her head steady, she can smile and coo and stares at me with these dazzling eyes. She is still small enough that I do not get tired physically from holding her.

I relished that moment in the kitchen listening to my boys playing games in the yard below while I held my wee tiny baby girl in my arms because it was wonderful and will not last forever. There will be plenty of new and wonderful moments to come I am sure but I just want to hang on to that one early fall afternoon before it escapes my memory, before other memories might replace it, before my wee tiny baby girl turns into a big girl before my very eyes.

"Footballer"

2008-09-09T08:50:00.002-04:00

My little soccer player!!!

Day #3: Getting Better

2008-09-04T15:17:00.005-04:00

Gawd I love my kids. I mean seriously. I know I have done some bitching lately but when I look deep into those beautiful blue gray eyes on my daughter and stroke her auburn colored hair as she drifts peacefully off to sleep with the birdy sound chirping from her throat as she nurses and her long girlie fingers are wrapped tightly around my finger, I am blessed. Or when my son says "Momma can I please have another prenzel?" with that sweet impish little grin on his face or he gives me a hug and a kiss good night and asks me to stay, PLEUUUSE stay so he can chat with me a few minutes longer, I know I am the luckiest gal on the planet!
********

Have I mentioned that my darling husband booked our next family vacation already? I was thinking some place warm, sunny, beachy, Caribbean or South Carolina shore... NO no we are heading to Orlando as in Walt Disney World again in February 2009. At that time Miss M will be just a couple of weeks past six months and M will be just shy of four years of age. We are insane... And yet oddly I am excited. The reason for the trip - $165 plane tickets (never mind the cost of going to Disney totally cancels the plant ticket cost out ENTIRELY!
*********

Today the activity I chose for my son - load him in the Rav and drive around B-town for an hour looking at construction sites. Ummm, yeah that may happen a lot during the next two months! If you asked M he would be thrilled to tell you about all the cool things we saw so it is not like he was hurting back there.
********

I totally suck as far as being friend is concerned - First Kelly (Shades of Gray) had a her baby on Monday!!! A little girl! YEAH Kelly and family!!! CONGRATS!
*******

Also, does time fly or what? I mean I cannot believe that come Saturday we will be beginning week six with Miss Pancake. It seems like forever but in a good way. She is smiling and holding her head up pretty well. She actually does not mind tummy time and is such a lovely charming little baby. K did the old weigh himself a few times while hold Miss Pancake and then weigh himself without the baby last night and he estimates her to be about 11.5 lbs. SHE IS HUGE. I mean that in the nicest way but I lookd over at K holding her two evenings ago and I thought "well crap she is huge - she does not even seem like a newborn any more..." And I suppose she is not. She is outgrowing her 0-3 clothes already as well as the 1-2 diapers (from Sam's Club). She has blown out her diapers every day this week...

SIGH, they do get big TOO fast I tell you. Likely the reason for this is she is a champ at nursing. She is SO unlike her brother. He gulped and gulped and spit up and hated me and my crazy strong mammary glands. Miss P totally takes it in stride. She will just the milk run out of her mouth (or squirt in as the case may be) and calmly takes deep breaths if she needs to. She spits up a tiny bit (usually because I forget to nurse her) but not near as bad as M did. She sleeps like a champ too - already we have had numerous 5-6 hours sleep nights and during the day she takes a four hour nap. I know this will likely change with the advent of new skills like turning over and well frankly teeth but still she is charming and dang if she is not starting week six. What next? Prom?

The Doula's Version

2008-09-03T21:11:00.003-04:00

Ah, birth story part deux? Yes, I know overkill right? Our doula dropped by for the post partum visit and dropped the birth story off. Compare the two and see how close my reality was to what really happened!

"Christina scheduled her labor to be induced on Friday morning, August 1, 2008. In the shower that morning, she lost her mucus plug, which was a great sign that Miss Pancake was about ready to be born. Christina and K went to the hospital early in the morning and got settled, and they called me about 9:20 am to tell me that Liz, the midwife, was coming at 10:30 am to break Christina's water and get things going. Liz and I both arrived at 10:30. Christina and K had taken a walk to the cafeteria, so Liz and I chatted until they got back. Liz broke Christina's water at about 10:50 am. Her cervix was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced, and Miss Pancake was at -2 station. K was holding Christina's hand and eating Doritos, and we thought we heard a "pop" when Liz broke the water, but it might have been K's chewing.

Liz left, and the three of us watched the end of Glory Road and ate Swedish Fish, Later in the afternoon we played rummy and Crazy 8s. All afternoon, Christina alternated between sitting in the bed, bouncing on the ball, and walking in the halls and outside. She had stronger contractions when walking, but they didn't stay consistent and weren't getting strong enough to really be called labor. By 6:00 pm she was starting to get frustrated, and we discussed various options. Christina decided to try castor oil. K went out to get some (he called it beaver oil)! Christina rested for awhile while she built of the courage to take the castor oil. She finally took the castor oil just after 9:00pm. She said it tasted like drinking lipstick. We watched Monk while waiting for the castor oil to take effect, and K and I order pizza. At 10:30p the pizza and the labor arrived! K and I took turns eating and sitting with Christina. Miss Pancake got the hiccups, which Christina said happened every night at about 10:30pm.

BY 11:20pm, Christina was having powerfully strong contractions. She got in the shower for awhile and leaned on K during contractions. He stayed right by her giving her verbal encouragement the entire time. She tried sitting on the toilet after her shower, but it was very uncomfortable during contractions. She got back in bed a little after midnight. She was beginning to feel a slight urge to push and when Liz checked her cervix, she was eight centimeters dilated. Half an hour later she was completely dilated and pushing hard.

Miss Pancake head was born at 1:12am and her body at 1:13am. She had some facial bruising that made her look blue, but her breathing was fine. By 1:45a she was rooting and sucking on her hands, and trying to latch for breastfeeding. At 2:15a she got a good latch and nursed for over a half an hour. The nurse did the vitamin K shot and eye ointment while Miss Pancake was nursing and Marisa didn't even flinch. She then switched to the other breast and nursed there for half an hour as well. Way to go Miss Pancake!

Christina got up at 3:45a to take a shower and the nurse weighed Miss Pancake - 8 pounds 11 ounces - and the nurse got her cleaned up and bundled. At 4:10a Miss Pancake was back with Christina and everyone looked ready for a nap. I left at 4:30am."

Day #2: Confessional

2008-09-03T14:57:00.004-04:00

Hey, I am back. Oh one bonus that I am NOT going to complain about is that M and Miss Pancake both nap at the same time. Also, do not judge me but M is watching WAY way more television then the recommended "1-2 hours at most" for kids his age. It is how I am coping people. Wait till we have to break THAT habit. Way to go Momma! I ROCK.

This morning we only had one melt down EACH. M totally put another dent in the wall when I gave him a time out. I can feel the value of our home slipping as I speak... I feel the need to mention to you how horrible my language has been. Could this be hormonal? I mean seriously I say the "F" word and I say it often and maybe I even say it in front of M which ummm did you know he is like a parrot, kind of? SO yeah my kid may be the one teaching your kid how to swear soon enough. Which is kind of like a family tradition since my mom taught be this important word at an early age as well. Again I ROCK.

I think I am sling/baby carrier illiterate. I cannot get my kid into one of them for the life of me. SEND HELP NOW and quickly before I lose my mind. I cannot carry a baby in one arm for one more moment. I am heading out tomorrow I think to buy a stinkin' ring sling in hopes that I can figure that out. I mean seriously. Are these things supposed to make a baby sob uncontrollably??? Or is it just me. AND why do all the carriers say "it is SO easy to breastfeed using this product?" I call them on it and say BULL SHIT!!!

Finally, I have this love/hate relationship with TLC's Baby Story. Today I was flabbergasted by the lady who was baby #4 and she said something along the lines that being pregnant every year or two would be dandy with her and also that having her tubes tied was like killing her or taking the life right out of her, she felt empty... Okay I can understand this to some degree. I mean I am sad that we are done and even after some of the posts I have written recently I can see having another baby (WHICH WE ARE NOT SO DO NOT EVEN ASK or THINK THAT!)

But I do not think my life is over now that we done having babies. I feel like it is just beginning in some ways. It is neat to see Miss Pancake changing already. Her smiles and coos, her little bird legs turning into to chubby kissable baby goodness. Her sweet demeanor and the look she has on her face when she sees me like "ahhh I know you and I really think you are a pretty person to gaze upon" And pregnancy every year or two??? EKKKK. Scares me. Any who, I am rambling. Thank you for the supportive comments y'all. Emily, you can totally laugh at me and with me. I like that! I hope I making someone laugh because it makes it much much easier to laugh at myself at the end of the day!!

Day #1: FULL HOUSE

2008-09-02T17:42:00.004-04:00

Hmmm what word could I use to describe today?? Suckalious. Craptastic. Fucking Fun Filled FRUSTRATION? AND people actually choose to do this day in and day out, right? I mean for some people NOT going to work is like a choice and OMG does that Kate chick totally have EIGHT kids (and Kelly - UMMM Sainthood is being requested BY ME FOR YOU), 'cause hey TWO two kicked my ever loving ARSE today. YESH. Hell's bells. KILL ME NOW.

I am now glad the in laws are coming for like FOREVER and seriously they can stay FOREVER. I want to die. I want to ram a blade into my throat and call it a day BUT I still have to cook dinner (HA, left overs and a premade salad totally counts right?!??!), vacuum the basement because it has been since like April (ah yeah that would be M's birthday- please bring your kids by to hang out at my CLEAN clean house), breast feed 900 more times because I let the baby sleep all afternoon oh and yeah she SO will not sleep for me till about midnight so a mother's work is never done. Also, all the stress and worry I have felt the past two weeks is catching up in the form of indigestion so every time I think about eating I feel the storm pit of my stomach a BREWING and it is SO not pretty. Thank GAWD for Tums.

YES, I know I KNOW this is what I signed up (also this a bit tongue and cheek in case you were wondering though in part it is not)... please note I like to bitch about it no matter what. I cannot pretend that I love it all because DUDE I do not like some it. I do however love my son and this beautiful little baby who will totally breastfeed ANYWHERE and likes to sleep (OMG she will stop doing this soon, like any day now, HUH?!) I love that M can sing all the words to Wonder Pets and loves to dance to lame kid music (and gets me to dance to it to). I love that baby with all of my heart and soul and I feel totally blessed and seriously can a human be in love like that THREE times in their life, 'cause that rocks.

I love my kids, I love my life, I am happy but today I felt like I wanted to flee the Hurricane that was my world today and yet... yet I am still here and I will turn around and do it again tomorrow and the next day... thankfully until the inlaws arrive!

On a storm related note, PHOTOS (from last week. and also these photos are supposed to make up for the negative bitch fest I just had you know UP there. Yeah me.)

NEW Blog Alert

2008-09-01T16:02:00.003-04:00

Look who is BLOGGING now - yup that is my husband, K. Please disregard his stange sense of humor or enjoy it.

Baby Feet

2008-08-29T22:36:00.003-04:00

Baby toes make me smile.

I am feeling better. Thank you for the kind comments. Thank you to K for telling me to it will be okay. Thank you to Kelly for her help in getting my head on straight. Thank you to Jen for calling today and letting me blather on about everything and nothing. M and I will be a-okay & I know there will be moments that I am quite certain I will bitch about on here but that we will all be okay and at the end of the day we are good parents doing a great job!

Kelly (Shades of Gray) is going to have a baby - I know news flash if you do not read her blog BUT I mean the baby will be on the outside soon. She's breakin' out over the weekend! GO KELLY! We cannot wait to meet Waffle Syrup!!!

I want to be...

2008-08-27T10:22:00.004-04:00

light and happy right now. I really want to tell you about M's new obsession with Batman and how far he can jump (FAR). I want to tell you how excited I am for M to start soccer next month and how sweet he is with Miss Pancake. I want to say that I feel like I am being a great mommy of two and I want to say that without tears coming to my eyes because today I cannot say that and if I think about M tears come to my eyes.

M is a good little boy but he has been/is struggling with the changes in our house. I keep trying with all my might to remember he is three and this too shall pass but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want to protect and spend time with Miss Pancake without alienating M but M has been so frustrating and tiring to me that I find myself just shutting M out and he must sense this.

Last night was yet another miserable moment and I fear that I (we) am/are just screwing the little guy up. He flipped out again because I made dinner a bit early and he wanted to use some play-doh which I said "okay but after dinner." He threw a fit & he was counted to three and we put him in his room for a three minute time out. He tore his room apart again and cried for 45 minutes before I finally went in and told M he needed to start getting ready for bed (K was late picking up M and yes, it was THAT late...) I had to force my way into his room and he fled from his room when I finally got in there. Then M came out and sobbed into my shoulder before finally eating dinner.

Things did not get better after this. M would not go to sleep. We did the usual routine then M proceeded to tell us he was scared of alligators that come to his room every night (the night before he did this weird sleep walking freak out that he has been doing on and off for a few months where he needs to pee and I find him screaming in his room standing by the door - he is SO freaked out we cannot calm him down, get him to pee or get him back to sleep for a very long time.) Miss Pancake was having her usual evening melt down cry and K could not get her to calm down so I was trying to get both kids to calm down. I got Miss Pancake to sleep and K decided to call his mom when I hear M sobbing.

I wave K down and get him to go with M. A little later K is holding Miss Pancake and I heard M calling so I went into his room and he was not there. I look in our room and he was in there saying "Daddy said I could..." SIGH SIGH SIGH. I was like K what the hell were you thinking? Part of my anger comes from the fact that M totally dictates what we do when he gets in these moods.

I was tired and cranky and pissed off at K for letting M go into our room in part because we are trying to NOT let M run our lives and M did just that by telling his Dad he would sleep in our room and not his... SO I lost it. K finally reminded me that I needed to take the emotion of it and I got it together enough to get M to his bed and he went to sleep a full 2.5 hours AFTER we started the bed time routine.

I am tired of "fighting" M on every thing and I have massive amounts of fear of having M and Miss Pancake all day starting next week. M hardly listens to me and he does his own thing no matter what the discipline I dole out to him. I cannot just plunk M down in front of the TV 24/7 and I cannot ignore Miss Pancake's needs. My fears just becoming more and more fueled by the situations from the past few weeks. I am trying with all my might to be positive. I am working on a schedule for M when he is home with me and I am hoping for the best.

I really struggled with writing this because I do not want to bitch about the situation and really the truth is I just need to get it off my chest because I feel SO guilty for snarling at my child all the time, for being afraid of my son and his behavior, for feeling so out of control with him and also not being able to find a happy place with him. I am scared that my actions are hurting him and that is the furthest thing from my mind.

Obviously I love my son and I feeling so many bad feelings about M right now I just need to get it off my chest. I was not lying when I wrote that post the other day about being happy and not depressed. I am happy and not depressed but when it comes to M I am struggling, I am at a loss... that instruction manual that I wished for when he was 1st born well that one would sure come in handy now for how to be a good mommy to three year olds with new baby sisters...

The NEXT "Great One"*?

2008-08-26T08:27:00.005-04:00

M spontaneously asked K to play hockey the other day and it has become a favorite activity with Daddy. It is too cute and he totally does this goalie pose that I could not capture but trust me it is both humorous and would do his Uncle Jamie's heart proud (Uncle Jamie is K's friend from hockey who if this could not be more obvious but was a goalie - crazy man WANTED to be a goalie... we are NOT encouraging M to be a goalie - it just seems painful judging by the bruises and aches Jamie endured/endures to this day!)

BONUS Miss Pancake shot - Is she communing with the dolphins OR just giving Mommy some hand's free time? A little of both ;)

* For you non hockey people, The Great One refers to #99, Wayne Gretzky - WHO DOESN'T KNOW THIS, RIGHT?! Also, too bad M is signed up for Soccer this fall and NOT hockey...

Week 4 ALREADY!?

2008-08-25T08:43:00.004-04:00

Oh, oh HI! Yes, I am alive and here and surviving. Holy cow what a month. And A MONTH?!??! I mean seriously when did that happen? Miss Pancake is starting her fourth week on this earth and really it seems like she has always been here in our house. She is just the coolest and M is the best big brother ever! M gave me a hug and kiss good-bye this morning and unsolicited he gave Miss Pancake a kiss and hug and then said 'I love you Baby Miss Pancake' (oh the tears... actually I did not tear up, I just smiled ;) He even held her yesterday and he grinned from ear to ear the entire time!!!

We are doing well though we did have a brief ah issue all day Saturday until I realized 'holy crap I am trying to freeze the poor baby to death'. Despite the fact that it was hotter then heck the air conditioning was/is COLD.... As soon as I realized that she was COLD & put her in something warm, she slept like a champ.

Really the most "interesting" experience for me has been the fact that I have felt virtually no depression with Miss Pancake like I did with M. I have had over wrought feelings and tired moments but nothing unusual which just under scores how horrid I was feeling with M. After three years I just assumed maybe I blew those feeling out of proportion but I think it is safe to say that what I felt was real back then with M. What a huge difference! I am enjoying each moment & not wishing away the time or feeling all the hideous scary feelings I felt when M was a baby and holy crap we are starting week 4 - seriously each moment in those early months seemed to last a year but with Miss Pancake the first weeks have gone by quickly and not just because this #2 since M has been at K's house during that time (whoa holy shitty run on poorly stuctured sentence...)

I am just happier, different, more open, less tired, less shell shocked, less frustrated - I could not ask for a more wonderful experience!

Miss Pancake sitting pretty in Winnie the Pooh

Friday Night Family Night!!!

Brother & Sister sitting together before Enchanted

Proud Daddy & Miss Pancake before FNFN

Close up doing tummy & back time

Kiddie Recipe That Rocks!!!

2008-08-20T13:09:00.005-04:00

SO I bought a Parent magazine for the first time since banning them toward the end of my pregnancy. My fears have abaited (something about using Retin A for a period of time before discovering I was pregnant the 2nd time even though it was the lowest dose available & the doc told me I would need bathe in it for it to do harm to a fetus... You just never want to read an article about how horrible Retin A is for your unborn fetus and OMG BAD MOMMY GAH PARENTAL GUILT ALREADY...) Gee so there was that. Any who, there was a advertisement for Eggo waffles. I do not buy Eggos but rather some whole grain organic equivilent but this recipe was too good to not steal, I mean try...

Put the frozen waffle in the toaster and toast.
Take it out and spread with jam (we eat sugar free local jam - Dillman's go LOCAL and also once you get used to the non sweet sweetness of sugar free jam you will never go back, maybe...)
Cut up bananas slices and place on top of jam.
(How's that for an easy, sneaky semi healthy AM meal?!)

Cut into four "slices" and tell your child that it is Banaroni Pizzas. My suddenly VERY picky eater of a child ate the whole thing and even licked his fingers afterward!

Something to say...

2008-08-19T10:30:00.003-04:00

I have no idea what. Thoughts randomly come and go from my head lately faster then I can remember them. Likely this has to do with a slight lack of sleep. Also, Miss Pancake... mornings are not her forte at this point, yet. I can get her to nap a bit but she simply does not nap well (see also throwing the dogs out the front door and not caring if they ever return... Please note: I would NOT do this. I just dream about it ;)

Dude NEW KIDS ON BLOCK VIDEO on VH1 - why did they seem SO hot when I was 13??? Oh wait hormones. Okay that guy is kind of cute in that aging boy band sort of way. SEE random.

My boss is supposed to come by and visit this morning but I have no idea when. I thought she might come by earlier then she said initially but I must be wrong on that front. Also, can I just say that I have taken to eating my son's snack foods in the morning because we have not been the grocery store in two weeks. My choice each morning while Kevin is still home is to eat or take a shower/brush teeth. You bet your booty I take the shower and have fresh breath over eating (see also baby won't nap very well in the morning.)

I have scheduled our first "photo shoot" for this afternoon with our photographer for newborn photos. I am excited and hoping it goes well but have no expectations. Miss Pancake seems to have (OMG am I admitting on the Internet??? because shoot me now and also just start knocking on wood now) to have a schedule. She naps each morning from 9:30-11:00a and then she sleep from about 2:00p till 5:00p and any time from 6:30p to 10:30p (which I suppose that stops being a nap that late in the evening, eh?) The photo shoot is at 2:00p so I am hoping she is not TOO grouchy about staying up an extra hour. I will let you all know how it goes.

Can I tell you a pathetic secret? I totally know when the mail person comes and wait with anticipation to see the mail truck go by so I (we) can go out and get the mail. I would make such a bad stay at home mom... Seriously. I have these crazy highlights to my day. Mail truck. Days of Our Lives. Oprah. The boys come home from work/school. Boo-yah. Bet you cannot beat that for excitement. I should add afternoon nap for the baby but now that I mentioned her schedule it will change entirely I am sure.

Did you manage to slog through this pathetic post??? Yes, well there is more. First, I did manage to do some pretty healthy eating (well you know discounting M's snacks for breakfast) and I brought the five lb weights upstairs and have been doing random weight lifting as well as something I like to call "baby legs". That is lunges, squats and random walking/bouncing while holding the baby who does not like to be put down. Hey at least I am doing something, right.

I have to tell you all - I have been meaning to write this for about two weeks. I mentioned that K has totally rocked at this daddy of two things. He has been great - supportive and loving and trying to help me through any crazy feelings/thoughts I might be having. BUT the other half of this equation is how wonderful everyone has been. My peeps yo (omg how late 90s can I be???) The meals, the gifts, the flowers, the check in's, etc... It has meant the world to me even if I do not call or email back right away I just want you to know that you all are the best best friends/family/co-workers a gal could ask for. As for my neighbors can I just tell you I thought our neighborhood totally sucked just like the first one. The older couple across the street (Rosalyn and Larry) brought a freakin' gift over for Miss Pancake. I almost died and wanted to hug and kiss her. The other neighbors check in on us and give us fresh veggies from their garden. I just feel wrapped up in care and I cannot really express how wonderful that really is.

Top Half or Bottom Half of the Muffin?

2008-08-18T10:18:00.003-04:00

Muffin top... grr I am not a fan of this term. I like to think of it as the skin and fat my body needed to support a baby. Okay so with M I had this extra skin and fat for almost two years before I decided to take action. AND I still had ten lbs of weight to lose before I became pregnant again. Okay, so yeah I just do not like muffin top because I SO HAVE IT, UGH.

Over the weekend, a particularly stressful weekend where I ate like crap, I decided to make an effort a little sooner this time. I have a goal in mind - nothing too difficult. It entails the fact that I am turning THIRTY FIVE in November. I am sort of in awe that I am going to be half way through my 30s in a few months but that is neither here nor there (or a whole other post entirely ;) I figure that is a solid goal for weight loss.

I gained 40 lbs with this pregnancy PLUS the 10 lbs I never lost from my pregnancy with M. I begrudgingly got on the scale the other day and lo I have lost 24 lbs of the 40! Which totally rocks but I know this rapid weight loss tapers off soon, or it did for me the first time.

Nursing did not keep the weight off as promised plus when I tried to lose weight with M the first time my milk supply dipped rapidly so I went with that and decided it meant I could eat anything. I dove into everything bad from ice cream to high fat granola even regular fat yogurt. It was sort of frightening how unhealthy I was for the first two years of M's life. My milk on the other hand was apparently HIGHLY nutritious as M was at the top of the charts in height/weight despite the fact that he spit 90% of the milk up without fail every time he nursed.

ANY WHO, so my goal is to get down to the weight I was prior to getting pregnant with Miss Pancake. This would mean I would still have 10 lbs to go beyond that to get back to what I was before M was born but I am looking at baby steps. SO that means I would need to lose 16 lbs between now and November 11th. I was also considering training for something like a fall 5k race whether I run or walk it is still a question mark but right now I am going to start small.

I was recently thrilled to discover that with our cable network we have this On Demand thing. On Demand has section called the Free Spot. And on the Free spot there is a section called Exercise TV!!! I can choose from numerous workouts so I can do most everything while I am home in addition to the recumbent bike, the exercise ball and some weights we have in the basement. I hoping that will get me on the road to being fit and healthy again.

The hardest part of this situation will be giving up junk food. I am in love with eating certain things especially sweets right now. Since I cannot exactly exercise just yet I figure I work on the diet side of things while just doing some light weights. Actually the hardest part of this will be finding the time to exercise on top of taking care of two kiddos, working, keeping up the house, etc... I know being healthy has always been the lowest priority for me since I had M. I know it is important but spending time with my kiddos is #1, then work & home then me. I am trying make this list a bit more equalized this time so I am not always last...

Goals. Ugh, writing them makes them real no? Accountable? Oy. Okay well I am off to find those weights and do some lunges. Wish me luck, eh?

TWO WEEKS?!

2008-08-15T11:53:00.003-04:00

Wow, when did that happen? I mean last week I was limping about feeling like my body had been through hell and back. This week, meh, I feel ten thousand times better! All regions are feeling better, thankyouverymuch (TMI... with birth is there really such a thing???)

My dogs are driving me batty. Every time someone visits I have to apologize for their rude behavior. And the barking out the back door at virtually NOTHING only to wake the wee sleeping baby. GAH, I know it was the same with M and I was TOTALLY ready to send both of them packing then too. I cannot decide which of these two hounds is worse and yet I still love them deeply. ** TOTAL lie Santana is worse because he is one pissed off pup and peed on M's new tool bench. Thankfully I noticed this and cleaned it up before M noticed... SIGH.

Any who, Miss Pancake had her two week appointment today. She was her usual self. She took it all in stride. Even when K tried to put her little sun dress on upside down. Heh. The stats:
She was 20-1/2 inches when born
Today she is 21-1/2 inches (75-90%)

She weighed 8 lbs 11 oz at birth (and she dropped to 8 lbs 4 oz when we took her to the doctor three days later.)
Today she weighed in at 9 lbs 12 oz (75-90%)

This momma could once again be a wet nurse and feed several babies at any given time of the day. Poor girl almost had a squirt of milk to her eye this morning, it missed and hit her in her hair... I told her milk makes ones hair silky and soft. She did not seem to appreciate my levity. Oy.

Her cord fell off three days ago and she definitely has been having more waking time. She has also developed a habit of being up from 4am to 6am JUST LIKE M. This has been waking M up at the ungodly hour of 5:30a the past few days. It is like colic in the morning. Weird. Oh well.

I knew this would be the case and it is true - it is like Miss Pancake has always been in our house, a part of our lives. There are definitely moments especially with M but the past two weeks have been relatively positive. I definitely have my fears in the coming weeks that I will need to overcome, to be strong about and deal with. I am sure I will write more on this - for the moment I am not quite ready to think about it. I am also trying to mentally prepared for some too long extended visit with in laws during the month of September. WAIL... (seriously they are helping me out so I cannot be TOO negative about the length of their visit but still... come on in laws in my house for three weeks??? Feel for me, just a little bit, please!?)

Space Aliens!

2008-08-13T15:39:00.002-04:00

My son the space alien (a la Little Bear!)

Miss Pancake's first trip the park

K & M riding the slide at the park!

Miss Pancake's first bath (sort of, you know the sponge kind.) I just washed her hair and the little chubby folds around her neck, arms and legs. She was lovely for the entire thing!

What? Who doesn't like photos??? I swear I have more to say then just the photos and I spend all the time I am nursing composing these great blog subjects in my head but then I get to tired to get to them or I want to read this great new book I bought or I am working (yes really I started back to work already during the nap times...)

Miss Pancake was up all morning today which is good and bad (I am tired and I think I just needed a few minutes of a break but I also enjoyed her big blue eyes and chatting away to her about everything and nothing...) I cannot tell if it was the relative peace and quiet of no Daddy and M or just me the milk truck that kept her up. Go figure K came home and put her right to sleep. She has barely stirred since he left... big ole fat freakin' sigh (if he could lactate I would let him nurse her and see how hard it is to get a baby back to sleep when the milk glands are pressing against her nose!)

Post #398

2008-08-12T14:39:00.004-04:00

* Holy crap I just noticed I am two posts away from 400... that is a lot of time spent whining... er I mean blogging ;)

For this you are rewarded with photos of my children. Aren't you lucky!?

M and Miss Pancake at home - love

Baby hand

Sleeping Miss Pancake

Miss Pancake's Birth Story

2008-08-08T13:58:00.003-04:00

Wow, I cannot believe it has been just about a week since Miss Pancake entered into our world. It has been lovely, stressful, exhausting, painful, and exciting all rolled up into a ball of life!

SO here is the story of my 2nd birth. At our Wednesday appointment, I was 3 cm, 75% effaced and very very soft. We decided to just go ahead with the scheduled Friday am time to break my water. The midwife felt that would get things started (though I am still sure she had her own agenda - we felt it was a good time to do this none the less.) I know I could have changed my mind but I was just ready to have a baby! We were excited and ready.

I was so excited Friday morning because I lost my mucus plug in the shower! I know TMI and also SO YEAH you are saying but I never had anything like this with M so it was like icing on the cake to know my body could do this without drugs! We took M to K's house and go to the hospital late, of course. They strapped me in for the 1st time of 900 and checked everything. Miss Pancake and I were great so we waited another hour and Liz came in to break my waters. Molly, our doula, came in at this time as well. The funniest moment of the morning - Kevin and I went down to the cafeteria to get him some lunch. He had a wrap and some Doritos. As Liz broke my water we all heard the pop except Kevin. When the pop came nothing happened - no water came out so Liz said "did we hear a pop?" And we all nodded except Kevin who was holding my hand and looking around blankly. "Pop?", he said "What pop? I was still crunching Doritos." Silly boy!

Anyway, long story short we walked the hospital grounds in the sweltering heat about 20 times, all around the halls, I was ready to start running. I tried the birth ball, I tried squatting, leaning on the birth ball, etc... with few results. We did this all day. We also watched a movie (Glory Days, its pretty good if you like sports flicks) and played cards. I was getting frustrated and nervous about everything as the sun started to go down. We had no back up plan for Matthew (and I was stressing out about how he was doing until I talked to Kelly and calmed me down - THANK YOU!) or the dogs. I think we were both hopeful we would have the baby by the evening on the 1st. AND I really wanted to avoid any drugs which was direction we were headed at that point.

Molly being Molly threw out some suggestions - Castor oil, stimulation in the shower, blah blah blah. We decided after consulting with Liz and I had some food to get the Castor oil from the local health food store. I ate something and at around 9:00p I took two "shots" of Castor oil and this started my contractions almost immediately. They were good contractions in that with the piotocin I remember the contractions just hammered me to pieces. These came on slowly and did the whole longer, stronger and closer together thing.

I was at 8 cm and I remember thinking 'OMG I cannot do this naturally - I am going to die'. Obviously there was no going back. I made it to ten and pushed for about 12 hours - er I am mean 30 minutes. Miss Pancake got stuck in my pelvis briefly and I had to push a couple of more times. One of the oddest sensations ever - having a baby fully engaged in one's pelvis and being able to feel her moving there. She came out perfectly with pretty bad bruising. I had a 2nd degree tear and the hemorrhoids - well I have to say those are worse then the tear by far and I will be having surgery to get that fixed because it does not seem they are going away on their own.

I am amazed at the recovery this time versus last time. I felt great hours later and left the hospital that same evening! I have had my ups and downs this week but it has been nothing like I had with M. Also having no meds during the birth was amazing, scary, wild and surreal. I remember every moment of the birth process with a clarity I never had with M. I know the nurses are doing their job and we loved the day nurse but the evening nurse I nearly gave her a piece of my mind. Thank goodness for Molly because she basically told that girl how we wanted things done. I was so sick of being monitored I wanted to scream. Additionally the nurse who put the IV in did a fine job but I still ended up pulling it out AGAIN. It was right before I pushed Miss Pancake out so they just took it out and come on it was like 15th dose antibiotics. The baby was not going to get sick in fact I may not get sick for next ten years ;) The site where she put the IV has been one of the most painful things on me since I left the hospital!

Finally, I had the lovely moment when they put the baby on your chest. M was whisked away from me because of the merconium and he was not breathing right away. It was pretty dark in the room when Miss Pancake arrived so they could not tell if she was just bruised or not breathing. I was holding on to that baby so tight I do not think they could have taken her out my arms anyway. She was fine. And for you Kelly my first words were "is she really a girl?" and I checked her bum! Thought that would make you laugh!!

There are some things I left out that I will tell you now because I don't want anyone to get ideas - Castor oil makes you poop. A LOT. Uncontrollably. So that you soil yourself while pushing and need to go in the tub and push in there all the while also pooping and for about 24 hours after you are very cleaned out intestinally speaking. While it sounds rotten it really was not. I mean I was totally freaked out by the lack of control at first but I quickly got over it (um hello CONTRACTIONS!) So that is Miss Pancake's birth story - writing it makes it seem a little anticlimactic compared to M's birth story which is a good thing!

The story is great but really what matters is that I have her, this beautiful little girl to cuddle, hug and love for all the days of my life (huh, can you tell what I have been doing this week???) and that is the best part of it all:

Baby Pancake Has Arrived

2008-08-06T18:59:00.004-04:00

I am back sort of. YES~ I had a baby! She is lovely! She was born at 1:13am August 2nd, 2008. She was 8 lbs 11 oz (I KNOW - much bigger the midwife thought she would be and as big as her big brother was and he was 14 days late - she was only five... can you imagine if we waited???) and 20-1/2 inches in length. She left the hospital at 8 lbs 8 oz and was 8 lbs 4 oz at the check on Monday. She is likely back up to fighting weight judging by her eating schedule. She is beautiful and amazing and I am so grateful to have her here with us. Her official name is Marisa Kaela but she shall hence forth be known as Miss Pancake!

M is adjusting. He has had a few freak outs mostly surrounding my inability to be there for him as usual. He is TOTALLY AMAZING with Miss Pancake. He kisses and hugs her. He gets her toys and the paci (that she WON'T take) and asks about her first thing each morning.

I had a minor sobbing break down this morning because my chest is horribly sore. This is not due to a bad latch - it is just me. I know this will go away and I keep telling myself this but man between the sore chest, the uterus contractations, the pain where they had the stupid IV, and my girlie region hemorriods and all - I am hurting (BUT very happy) gal!

I promise to work on the birth story as I remember it. Molly the doula said she would get us her version next week when she gets back from a work shop she is attending. I will post that too. It is always interesting to read what she writes and what I remember.

Oh can I just say K is the most amazing wonderful loving and kind husband ever. He was amazing in the hospital during the entire birth process. I held his hand this time the WHOLE time and he was awesome. We have been splitting equal time with Miss Pancake in terms of getting as much sleep as possible. It is going well but you know it is only day five I am sure there will be moments.

Some photos for you to enjoy:

"I am still standing"

2008-07-31T09:28:00.006-04:00

Actually I am sitting at the moment but in the form of an update there is still no baby yet. I was hopeful last evening as I was feeling out of sorts and decided to add the last minutes things I thought I might need for the hospital to my bags & took a long shower. I could hardly stand, sit, or walk but not because of the usual back pain/feet aching/contractions but a new - er ah - issue that "developed" (has been developing since giving birth last time?) some time during the day yesterday that likely made me feel so uncomfortable. I will not go into detail here but the issue is fairly awful, very uncomfortable and the worst I have ever had when it comes to this particular issue. The things they never tell you about pregnancy, sheesh (or they do tell you but you choose to ignore because holy cow that will never happen to me... bahahhahahaa)

Now I am at work for half the day and I am staring at the flower my co-worker half jokingly brought over to me the other day - you know the old flower opening metaphor?? Yeah so there is that.

M is freaking out. We have not told him all the details, some, but not all. I think he can just sense it. He had a 2nd major tantrum (for lack of a better word) in less then three days this morning when we dropped him off at K's house. I feel horrible for him and I wish I could help him through his feelings but he is a little bit like me and needs to work through it on his own even if that means bouncing his head off the wall a million times before it all clicks.

K and I were talking after the drop off this morning and we are hoping against hope that once he sees that Pancake just lies there and does not move that this will quell some of his nerves. We never imagined that M would struggle this much with the new baby mostly because he has been okay with it with little hiccups here and there about the topic. We both agreed we just need to be as patient and calm as we can be, keep talking to him and give him what he needs which oddly enough is mostly to be left alone.

I did not think this would happen so soon but M likes to be left alone. He will go into his room and shut the door or sit quietly on the couch with his blanket and thumb staring out into space when something is bothering him. I guess I figured you know around 12 or 13 this would happen but not at age three. SO I am adjusting my thoughts about this behavior. It is hard because I want to go and comfort him and make sure he is okay but I need to remember he is a little human being who just needs his space and that every kid is different. That is just how my son deals with things. But man is it hard!

I am sure I will keep everyone up to date as to how things progress. For now I need to work and try to "wrap" things up (which is laughable in my job but whatever!) Hopefully yours, ME :)

Sweep Sweep Sweep

2008-07-29T14:34:00.005-04:00

What is that? Do you hear that?? It is silence. Or least the silence of no baby crying (yet), no diapers to change (yet) and no OMG I am SO excited to tell my birth story (yet)... SIGH. I am STILL STILL STILL very pregnant BUT we had positive news today at the appointment. 2-3 CM, VERY soft, her head is engaged, and I am 75% effaced. I am so FLIPPIN' excited I could do a little dance. The midwife swept my membranes so we shall see how that goes. I am taking the rest of the day off so I can go for a long old hot, rainy walk and maybe get some minor last minute things done. VERY EXCITING PEOPLE!!! Weeee...

I know this could mean nothing but it is better then last week. I told Kevin he HAD to hold my hand (which he did and did not flinch at all!) after last week's check. I had tears when she checked last week because the exam was SO painful. This week it was barely anything and the sweeping of the membranes - well someone told me it was quite painful but for me it was not, I felt a little ouch-y (for lack of better term) but nothing like last week SO yeah yeah yeah!

So that's out of the way. I thought I would share with everyone what my most awesome boss got for our little family. I am so excited I can hardly stand it! We were over at a friend's house and I was looking at all of the professional photos that were done. I thought to myself "self, the last time you took M to get photos done was when he was 18 months old and you did not even ORDER any because you were too cheap and you were in them and you felt like you looked like crap, WOE IS YOU."

Then I went home and looked at the photos we had out - sadly VERY VERY few and the ones that are out are horribly outdated. M is THREE now and most of the photos in frames at from when he was UNDER the age of two. Now we have taken several hundred photos between two and three but I just have not printed any that stood out and framed them. Also, HOW LAZY AM I??!!

SO I emailed a lady who was recommended to me and she responded immediately but I have been on this whole non communication jag suddenly (seems to be the thing to do for me at the end of a pregnancy...) and I have yet to write the poor photography woman back.

In the mean time I mentioned to my boss how we have not done any professional photos of M since he was 18 months old AND the new baby was coming and now I had to think about photos for two... OH GAWD WOE IS REALLY ME. Two days later she gathered K and I up and said 'I have a surprise for you.' AND she did.

She bought us a package photo deal with her brother in law who is an exceptional photographer. In fact I have wanted to have him do photos of M for three years but her brother in law is not only very good but VERY expensive. She bought his package called Baby's First Year! We will be able to get photos done at 3, 6, 9, & 12 months plus two additional photo sessions which we can do anything we want (family portrait, baby's first weeks, Mommy/baby session, etc...) After the first year, the brother in law puts together a framed photo of all four pictures so you can see how much changes during that year!!! I about died with excitement!

I may still go to the other woman for a set of three-ish pictures for Matthew and just use this gift for Pancake. Just another thing to look forward to once Miss Pancake makes her appearance (any day now little girl!!)

Photos to Pass The Time

2008-07-28T21:28:00.007-04:00

M on 4th of July - gritting his teeth at the noise?

Waiting for the fireworks to begin!

M at the top of the bounce house at G's birthday party (AFTER he jumped from the top... sigh my little dare devil)

M and I at G's 3rd birthday party

HOLY MOLEY (as M says every time he sees my belly!) This picture is from LAST week (as in week 39!)

This is the infamous BUMPY string that I mentioned - M asked me to take a photo of it... OY VEY!

M dressing himself on Sunday morning. MENSA here we come ;)

Still waiting...

2008-07-28T08:39:00.003-04:00

Ugha. That is the word I would describe how I feel right now. K and I went to bed last night, around midnight. We were both wired - K had a cup of coffee to late I just cannot sleep. We were also sucked into watching TMZ... BAD BAD TV.

Then M woke up at I do not even know what time. It was right before the "storm" started. He said there was a bat in his room. Then he proceeded to ask about his "bumpy" string every five minutes until I finally told him to please just go to sleep. This bumpy string is a little string that is bumpy that hangs from his tattered blankie and he feels he must hold on to it while sucking his thumb. Apparently it is very important to have when falling back to sleep after a bad dream in the middle of the night.

He/we fell back to sleep and I awoke to a kick to the face and the baby tummy. OUCH. He was talking very urgently about 'NO I was playing with that. GIVE IT BACK TO ME.' I rubbed his back gently to quiet him and he was quiet for 5 more minutes. He started back at '...that is MY grape. Give me it back. Take it out of your mouth...' Uhhh, yeah.

At this point I have been up for at least an hour but I am fairly certain it was longer then that. I was tired, uncomfortable, HOT and thankfully K came into to save me. We both went back to sleep in our bed but maybe 10 minutes later M started yelling for K and K slept in there the rest of the night. Needless to say sleeping in would have been a dandy option for both of us this morning.

BUT I am at work. Feeling a little hopeless right now. I am just ready. Ready to have a new sweet smelling little baby to keep me up at night, ready to wear "real" clothing, and start losing weight, ready to be able to bend over and not have my back ache in that staggeringly painful sharp way it does, ready to walk without a limp and have my pelvis feel like it is fused together once again.

I had a long-ish period of contractions Saturday evening and I have one or two from time to time but nothing consistent. I have tried being on the floor on my hands and knees to be sure Princess pancake is getting into the right position at least every day. I am beyond walking - it is hot and I swell just sitting now - the swelling started up on Friday. I am hot in the icy cool of air conditioning blowing on me. And I am mildly afraid to be too far away from a bathroom because I need to go 24/7 (and not #1...)

SO here we are week 40!!! and one day (but who is counting!!!) We shall see if I will go through with the scheduled induction. First things first, I need to get some sleep. Just a little bit. I am really ready to be done with work I have to say. It is hard to concentrate and harder to sit still all day long because my thoughts keep getting interrupted by this little baby living inside of me.

I am still grateful and excited. Do not get my wrong on this front. My complaints are more the garden variety end of pregnancy ones. I do not feel unique not do I really want sympathy. I just want to write about it because it is what it is. I have tried to write deep or thoughtful posts here and there. AND all of my photos are at home so I cannot just post some pictures that I have been meaning to post from 4th of July or of my 39th week of pregnancy. Mostly I am just writing to say I am waiting as patiently as I can. Hoping and waiting!

Our weekend was very nice. We did everything I said we would do from list on Friday and then it was over and here I am! How was your weekend!?

Last Lecture, Dreams, and To Do Lists

2008-07-25T14:04:00.005-04:00

Did you ever hear the last lecture by Randy Pausch? If not, you should look it up and listen or print it off and read it or buy the book that came out recently. It is excellent. At any rate, I was sad to see this link. Truly a wonderful person with a wonderful spirit - if you watch, read or learn about it - I hope you gain as much as I did from it.

*****
I had the worst dream last night. It was an epic nightmare that I could not get myself to wake up from until it was my turn to be murdered by having my head twisted off?! It was a freakishly realistic dream and not one that I want to have again, EVER. I woke up with my heart pounding, my body sweating and I seriously was paralyzed with fear that it might some how NOT be a dream but real life. AND I was scared to fall back to sleep because some little part of me kept thinking what if I end up back in that dream like it was some Freddy Krueger thing. Needless to say I am slightly exhausted today. Hormones BE GONE!

*****
Weekend plans include:
Dinner and movie (Wall-E) with my two favorite boys on earth tonight
Brownies and girlie time afterward
Blueberry pancakes for breakfast on Saturday morning
A visit to Target because it is what I do on Saturdays
A pedicure on Saturday afternoon
Dinner with friends on Saturday evening
Going for some walks & SLEEPING
Making some chocolate chip cookies
Maybe a trip to the park with M
Relaxing and enjoying life as it is because it will change VERY soon
Having a baby!?!? (a girl can try to add this to the TO DO this, you know?!)

Hope your weekend is as exciting and fun as I am proposing mine to be!

Mini-Update

2008-07-23T14:32:00.005-04:00

Update: STILL PREGNANT (DAY 277) (I feel like I am writing my blog from some weird deserted island for pregnant ladies!)

Stats: 1 to 1-1/2 (close to 2 - see below) cm dilated, 50 (ISH)% effaced (you have to love those technical terms - 50%ish I swear that is what the Midwife said) and soft...

Exam: Ummm OUCH, *(&(%$)(#%)(#%() OUCHHHHHHHH

****
It is cooler outside so for that I am grateful. Things that we did and I am looking forward to: we went to the County Fair last evening and a gathering of friends to visit with on Friday evening complete with BROWNIES (no ice cream - I am now in full denial mode... Pancake, NO MORE ICE CREAM.) YES, I had some the night before last even though I said no more. It was Cookies and Cream and I love Cookies and Cream. Plus it makes me feel better... Tsk tsk tsk, I know!

I am making a pedicure appointment for Saturday because I really want one and dammit if I am going to full term I will have cute toes when I get there.

Hey and it is pay day Friday... Oh wait I am NOT going to be paid because I stopped taking my draw. Wow, that totally rocks.

Hmm, well The X Files movie begins Friday - not that I will be seeing it on opening night but hey how long do movies take to get to DVD these days, like 30 days after release, right!? I am freakin' excited for the X Files movies to start. I do not want to hear about it if you see. I want to be surprised and impressed and fall in love with Scully and Mulder ALL over again! Now that is something to look forward to!

Next update on pregnancy stats: Wednesday July 30th at 9:45a (membranes will be stripped, baby better come or else... like threatening her works!)

Statistics of a sort

2008-07-22T14:29:00.005-04:00

For the record: STILL PREGNANT

Morning visit: 11:00a (last one I scheduled in hopes that she would arrive by now but still has not...) Hope to hear I am beyond 1 CM, 50% effaced...

Amount of hope for this: 10%

Concentration level at work: .02% (is that even possible?)

Chances of being late: (can you hear the laughter right now?) At least 14 days and considering Pancake seems just as pleased as punch like her brother to stay in there I figure I have at least that many chances of being late... so much for positive thinking, eh!!?

PLEASE NOTE: I threatened her with no more ICE CREAM until after she arrives. It was painful!

Tubs of ice cream in the freezer: TWO (both half full, must have ice cream num num num...)

Most unexpected "things" about pregnancy part deux: little to no acne, same amount of weight gain despite "trying" to exercise and eat right (I gave up again BTW when I noticed that whatever I did did not stop the weight gain), how different this pregnancy has been from the 1st one, HAVING AN AUGUST BABY...

Dates: My midwife is out of town for the day July 24th and the Douala is out of town starting August 5th. Must have baby around those dates...bahahahaha

Contractions: Why yes!
Consistency to contractions: No no...
Painful: Indeed when they occur (see consistency issue above.)

Cups of Raspberry leaf tea I have had: an ENTIRE FREAKING box
Walks taken: a dozen with two very long hot walks the past two nights
Fruit measures: Two pineapples and a watermelon mostly eaten by me - heard it helps...

Hours of sleep I get per night: 2-4 hours of very very light uncomfortable sleep

Days till I am due: FOUR (or today if we are talking about the original due date)

Do I waddle: Worse then a one legged duck on hot asphalt (WHAT?)

Is it time to wrap this bad blog post up?: YES it is (bye bye!)

California Dreamin'

2008-07-22T09:05:00.004-04:00

Deep in my heart, a little piece of me will always be in California. I miss my "home" state - the place I grew up and loathed the entire time I was there, never quite realizing the little piece of heaven I had. One thing about loathing a place until you leave - you learn to appreciate each place you live for what it is after that.

Often people ask me why I would live in the Midwest versus going back to California. I always come up with several reasons - California is/was too expensive, there was no way I would have been able to afford my Master's degree (Hello FREE in Michigan), I never felt I fit in, my family being there kind of ruined it... the list goes on. These things are true in degrees. The thing I know today is it was the path I decided to take in my life.

I am where I need to be today and I am happy about where we are. I could have continued to rush and run across the country, never resting my head in the same home/apartment for more then 10 months at a time but we decided not to for obvious reasons (children) and not so obvious reasons (planting roots is a GOOD thing!)

Yet, my heart still yearns for California, for the things I thought I hated but also for things that are part of me at a cellular level. I understand that somewhere deep inside of me I will always be a California girl at heart, that I still secretly hope that we will return there one day to buy a little house near the ocean and take long walks on the beach, to bury my toes in the warm wet sand and drink in the sounds of the ocean - seagulls, water lapping at my feet, kids shouting, radios playing, joggers kicking up sand, boys yelling to one another about this wave being good or that being a good place to body surf or skim board. Even if this never happens I like to think about it all.

Those carefree days that some times get me through the days when I feel like life is getting to me. It is my little place to escape to in my head - the spray of salty water on my face, the pleasure of looking out onto the beauty of the ocean, the laid back attitude that permeates those little beach towns I used to hang out in on long hot summer days, the smell of eucalyptus in the air near my favorite beach, hanging my tan legs from the fence near Pleasure Point watching the cute surfer boys doing their thing.

It is not just the beach that I miss - though I will say Santa Cruz and Half Moon Bay are by far my most favorite places on this earth - I miss my friends that I have lost touch with long ago, people I spent many hours, days, weeks whiling away the hours, causing trouble and being silly.

I miss swimming outdoors and being tan pretty much year around! I long for those lazy days of summer when we took the "shame train" (The County Transit bus system in San Jose) to the mall and wandering around looking for cute boys!

I would love to eat some fresh Mexican or seafood from the local hunts, the dives where most people failed to realize how wonderful the food was, yet!

I miss driving up to Stanford to "go shopping" at the fancy mall. I miss the campus of Stanford, the beauty of that place, I miss downtown Palo Alto. The nights I spent as a teenager dancing to weird alternative music at clubs in places like Palo Alto when I was much too young to be doing this.

I miss the 49ers (Gawd love me for being such a flipping die hard fan!) and the A's and the Giants. I miss sitting with Dad in the upper deck on a clear hot day watching a game I did not care for expect for the fact that I was hanging out with my dad!

I miss San Francisco even though I always hated it when I lived there, mostly for reasons that had nothing to do with the city itself. The clang of street cars, driving up the hills of SF and thinking will my stick shift car make it and then holy crap will there be a road that goes down because all you see is sky going up. Golden Gate Park and a million other little memories of time spent in around that park for festivals, picnics, and family wanderings. The MUSEUMS especially the de Young!

Every moment spent traveling up and down the coast of California from the Redwoods and Yosemite to Baja CA (Mexico) and San Diego - with a million locales in between. NAPA! The crazy hellish twists and turns along PCH or Highway 17 - the feeling of danger & thrill driving on those roads brought to me!

There is so much more. Some times I turn off the memories because good or bad they can overwhelm me. They can drag me down rather then lift me up but mostly they lift me up. It is always that little dream I mentioned of burying my toes in the sand, watching the ocean, and the life that happens on the beach that brings me the most happiness!

I will always be California dreamin' no matter what. I hope to one day share some of this with M and Baby Pancake. I hope one day I can go back and while I know it has changed, we can re-capture some of things I love about California and pass them along to my children. One day...

Pain IN the A$$?

2008-07-21T08:55:00.011-04:00

It is like hot HOT right now. Like 91 yesterday. (Like what on God's green earth was I thinking about when we decided to try for a summer baby!??!?!) Sunday morning, I actually thought it was cooler in the morning then it had been on Saturday and managed to sit outside until I could no longer bend my fingers or toes (healthy, right?! Should have my BP taken when I do stupid stuff like that - 108 over 72 my ass...) M was playing in his pool and I love to hang out with him when he is doing this. It is HARD to stay inside when all of the "fun" stuff is happening outside.

Any who, in the afternoon, we attended a funeral for our co-worker's husband. Something I forgot about despite having it on two calendars but I was tired and K failed to remind me (DAMMIT THAT IS HIS JOB, RIGHT?!) So K went to the funeral on time and I rushed to get ready and drag M out of his bed to get there about 20 minutes later. GOOD THING. The church had air conditioning from like the 1950s and we were on the upper level. Not to mention M's attention span lasted all of 10 minutes before he started asking where his Daddy was VERY LOUDLY. Likely it was good for both M and I that we were late because the service ended about 30 minutes after we arrived and I truly cannot image having to sit for the entire 50 minute service.

After the funeral, we had the brilliant idea to hit the local County Fair that started this weekend. We got through all the animal barns. We hit the food stands where M and I shared a funnel cake. And really let's just stop there - what other reason is there to go to the fair then to see big huge smelly sleeping pigs and eat funnel cake!? Yummers (to the funnel cake, not the pigs)!!! We (I) did not last long due to the extreme heat. We went last year around the same time of day and the place was packed. This year most of the people who were there already were the 4-h kids and their families. It was just too HOT to be out. M's favorite part: the digger and bulldozer working in the grandstand area. And a horse whose name had something to do with fire and the outside of the stall was decorated with firemen items. He kept saying he loved the fire horse!

The storms arrived not long after we came home. Two big quick rain storms that produced a beautiful full bright rainbow which we went out to look at. M played in the puddles and I got to gardening. BAD BAD MOVE on my part. With this pregnancy I have experienced back pain. Well, more to the point my butt hurts. I bent over to clip some dead flowers and I was stuck. It was classic. I told K I cannot move. He just looked at me like "are you serious?" to which I just nodded YES indeed I am. The pain was out of this world. K came to drag me up the drive way (which is FLAT) and I stumbled into the house trying to figure what to do for the pain.

This was worst pain yet. And everything I did made it worse. As in trying to sit, stand, walk, GO TO THE BATHROOM... OMG. I grabbed an ice pack and shoved it down my shorts and tried to find a comfortable position. If I settled into a position I could not move or else the pain came back standing the hair on my arms on end. The ice pack helped to relieve some of the pain to the point where I could get a few things done then we headed off to bed.

K offered to massage that area. I kept saying my back hurt but when I showed K the area that hurt he started laughing at me and said "honey that is not your back that it is your butt!" Okay I knew this but who wants to say my butt hurts all the time... it just sounds umm weird, you know? Needless to say K was a good sport and his massage to my left bum region (TMI???) helped to get rid of the pain. Today my back hurts, for real this time. Like lower back pain NOT my butt I swear. (I have lost all creditability, huh?) (WHAT? Stop looking at me like that) (it is my lower back and NOT my butt, I swear)

ALSO, send birthing vibes my way, PLEASE! That little floaty baby thing down there says 39weeks and 1 day. I (WE) are so ready for Miss Peach to arrive, LIKE NOW. Thank you for your help (it is MY BACK that hurts now, I swear!)

Nine Days & Fear

2008-07-18T10:32:00.003-04:00

I feel like I am in the 24th mile of a marathon only I did not train very well because I am hacking and snotty and very tired. But dang NINE more days till the due date. Mostly everything is done that can be done. My house is moderately clean, my bags have been packed for so long I cannot remember what is in there any more (I should check...), Pancake's room is as good as it is going to get (which is still not QUITE finished but whatev she will be in our room for the first few weeks any way... In a word, I am READY.

Ready to have this little girl. To meet her and hug and hold her. I am ready today and I have this horrible fear of going overdue, way overdue. We did schedule a date to be induced but I am getting cold feet about it. I have decided that date is subject to change. I keep hoping and praying that this morning, afternoon, evening will be the moment when I start to see BIG changes and yet there have been few. It is like my body LOVES being preggo. I mean why not - it gets fed lots of yummy foods I normally would not indulge in like ice cream EVERY DAY and Reece's Peanut butter cups! Or maybe that is Baby Pancake who likes those things? I did threaten her yesterday to stop all junk food and only eat broccoli and brussel sprouts to get her out - HA!

With M, I had to beg for extra days from my Midwife after going overdue. M's due date as far as we could tell was April 4, 2005. I gave birth to M on April 19th. In trying to stay positive about the whole birth process this time around, I felt like perhaps giving birth to this baby would be different since so much of the pregnancy has been different. I thought perhaps the getting down to the end and being late part would not bother me because the entire pregnancy I have had a great attitude about it. I know I am not technically late at this point but it seems like everything has stopped. I have had few to no contractions the past few days, almost the same cold I had at the end with M, and 1 cm-50% effaced...

I am freaking myself out at this point, I think. This worry and fear that I am headed down the same path I did with my 1st pregnancy. Please do not get me wrong as I gave birth to a beautiful happy healthy baby boy but the whole process of birth was not (a) exactly how I pictured it and (b) it was the scariest most difficult thing I have ever done. From being induced to being that close to having a c-section I could see the whites of the eyes of the c-section prep people to the struggle with post partum issues I had for many months after. Eventually I was able to put it all in perspective and I really thought I was over my feelings surrounding M's birth until this past week or so.

Something about this time frame, how similar things seem - that is what is freaking me out. I feel like I am the same scared, fearful person I was back when I had M. I know in my heart of hearts everything will be okay. That however this baby comes out she will be a dandy and I will be in love. That having the perfect natural birth is not all that. That I will not allow myself to feel like my body failed on me like I did last time. That our new baby will be grateful for having parents who make the best most well informed decisions based on what we know and are told so she can come into this world screaming and beautiful just like her brother.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I just need to keep trying to let go of the past and find that new place I was when we decided to have a 2nd baby. To let go of the old fears and know that however Pancake enters this world it will be a special wonderful day no matter what my expectations are. Enough of this serious stuff...

Kay, I am off to stuff some more Reece's peanut butter cups in my face because if nothing else it makes me feel temporarily good - how can one feel fearful when stuffing chocolate-y peanut buttery goodness in my mouth!!!

BTW, what strange things have you done to get the birth process going, if any? I actually ate almost half of a pineapple last evening because I heard it helps to err ah ripen the cervix... Sweet, eh?!

Baby Boomlet

2008-07-17T13:56:00.005-04:00

WOW! This article about the number of births last year is interesting and amazing and interesting.

I decided today after much thought and many attempts at changing this over the last year that my son and husband shall no longer be referred to by their real names when I blog. Neither will Pancake when she arrives (I promise I will share her name at least once...) I have been nervous after that recent email from the ex BF from hell and decided I needed to finally make this switch. In turn I will not be mentioning any of M's friends names or our friend's names unless you tell me that I can. I am working on changing over old posts which may take some time.

I am sure it is quite easy to find things these days on the Internet and changing the names of those involved does not make much of difference in some ways but enough that I feel better doing it this way. My name shall remain the same (for now anyway). M (my son) will be M or Peanut, Pancake will be Pancake and K (my husband) will be K hence forth. Santana and Lucy will not lose their identifies, YET!

AH I just realized I will need to change the address of this blog... I will work on that and hopefully I can do it without killing the whole thing. Ah opps if I do.

Engaging

2008-07-16T09:31:00.004-04:00

Nothing new to report. I am tired like no other at the moment from lack of sleep, I am feeling worse today then I did yesterday in terms of this head cold and the baby is still the same - that is inside of me ;) We are still at 1 cm, slightly more then 50% effaced and "soft" (which UMMM TMI, I know...) The only difference between this stage with M: I was not "soft" and I never did become soft as the term goes... And Pancake's head is more engaged but not fully engaged - M never ever dropped down to be engaged. However, he is an engaging child, or at least I think so BUT I digress. I am tired and feeling random. I will take a photo of me in my 38th week of pregnancy today and post it shortly.

Liz suggested trying something like Ambien tonight to get a good night of sleep and that is now on the agenda. Make dinner, get M ready for bed, pop a pill, SLEEP. And really underneath being tired I am still excited and enjoying pregnancy, just so you do not think I was making that shit up yesterday! I just wish I could breath and sleep - you know vital components to being a human being!

Do you now what I am getting "tired" of? Gloom and doom on the radio and TV about our economy. I know the economy is tanking as evidenced by massive losses to our retirement and investment accounts. Even with the losses we are even for the most part. I cannot imagine what folks who are not in this position must be feeling both in the saving area and the simple things like gas and food. My mom is one of them and it sucks...

Also, the presidential election. Haven't we elected someone new already??? I feel like we have but OMG we still have not?!?! Please make my pregnancy brain last through November, please (see also skipping the memory of turning 35 in November as well!!!)

In other "news", we have made some minor progress in getting stuff done around the house. We bought this console table (which to me is a sofa table but holy shit how out is that to say?) and it will arrive shortly.

My lovely boss took a photo by Randall Shedd I bought at the 4th Street Art Festival in for me to be framed and so it is finally hanging on our wall and I am in LOVE!

I found a place for some of the displaced photos from the old entertainment center and I AM happy about where they ended up (in the basement on top of the cupboards if you are curious.)

We hung one shelf in the family room and there are some photos up there.

I finished the horrible scrap book I started about a year ago and I wrote thank you notes at long last to everyone both for M's birthday gifts (it was family so I figured they would forgive a tardy thank you note) and the baby shower my lovely co workers threw for me two months ago. Better late then never, right!?

TO DO LIST FOR THIS WEEK:
Find shelves for Pancake's room
Clean the basement including the bathroom
Do laundry including sheets
Clean windows in the basement (with my new window cleaning rag that TOTALLY ROCKS!)
Hang pictures in the basement
Go for long hilly walks
Drink Raspberry leaf tea until it is coming out of my ears
Have a baby

My Little Fashion Critic

2008-07-15T09:36:00.004-04:00

Conversation I had with my three year old before I left for work yesterday morning.

M: Mommy I love those green shoes...
Me: Why thank you Matthew.
M: They match your shirt PERFECTLY.
ME: bahahahahaha (Kevin in the background also laughing and at the same time looking slightly perplexed.)

M seems to be feeling better. He slept through the night and has a tiny cough but otherwise he seems to be at the end of the cold. Me, not so much BUT I am keeping a positive attitude. I figure being sick with a minor cold is about the least of my worries at this point!

Mostly today I decided to turn my bad 'tude around and enjoy the last days of pregnancy because THEY ARE MY LAST DAYS OF PREGNANCY, dudettes!!! I am amazed by this. Week 38 or TWELVE days till touch down! I love it. I love that for most of the time since wee Pancake has dropped she keeps her heel (or what I assume is a heel and until the midwife tells me differently I will continue to assume HEEL) firmly planted in the front of my belly down low so you can feel and see the shape of it. I cannot wait to see and meet that heel which I rub all the time (and it makes her move - maybe she is ticklish like her big brother!!!)

I stopped having contractions for a couple of days and Pancake's movements have slowed a bit which kind of freaked me out last evening as I thought about it but then the contractions started back up not five minutes after I mentioned this to Kevin and I have been having some here and there since then.

Sick or not, I am SO ready to meet this wee little tot, to snuggle her face and check out those fingers and toes. To find out her hair color - will it be red like M's or something new? To dress her in some of that cute clothing we have been hording away for months now and have her home tightly wrapped like a little burrito, to lay her on the floor and let the dogs sniffle her face, getting to know her, like they did with Matthew, to see M's reaction to Pancake and see them grow and become siblings over the coming years. To find out how life will change and get used to four (six?!) instead of three in the house.

I realized last evening as I grunted and groaned to get off the couch that I am VERY excited to meet this baby far beyond any amount of complaining I can do here or anywhere for that matter. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if it is a "late" light, I know it is there, finally and I am terribly excited about that!

Now if I could just regulate my body temperature, life would be groovy!!! I have the 38 week appointment with Liz tomorrow at 8:30a so look for possible updates tomorrow some time!!!

Sickly

2008-07-14T09:34:00.005-04:00

When we came home Thursday evening we noticed there was something going on with M. He was in a word CANTANKEROUS. He pitched 20 fits in what seemed like 20 minutes. He would not eat and was generally miserable. After putting him to sleep that evening and having him wake up 20 minutes later SCREAMING I figured he was sick. And he is. Sick that is. Nothing horrible just your run of the mill head cold. Runny nose, whiny boy, hacking cough (ever since he had croup that is always how he coughs now with that croupy cough, it sucks...) He seemed to be feeling much better on Saturday and Sunday so we had hope. But last night I was up with him three times because of the hacking cough for an hour at a time.

Only hours before this night time waking on his part did I realize 'huh my throat - swallow swallow - it is a hurtin' BADLY.' UGH. Yes, I thought K and I got through this little summer cold unscathed but I was wrong - damn me for even thinking this BTW. SO I have gone from hoping and praying that this baby comes early to PLEASE JUST WAIT TILL I AM FEELING BETTER. Stay put Pancake stay put. Mostly my throat is sore and my nose is stuffed but if you will recall I was bitching yesterday about my other end of pregnancy woes so YEEE HA bring on the cold too, right?! Why not? I mean it is not like I was feeling great to begin with!

I panicked of course because I was sick when I was overdue with M and it was really horrible. Seriously the panic feeling stemmed from this thought - 'OMG this pregnancy is starting to look exactly like the end of my pregnancy with M - will labor and delivery be the same?!?!' Which to clarify I had this healthy beautiful baby boy but getting there MY GAWD I just want it to be slightly ah well you know easier or different. I am trying with all my heart to remain calm but these stoopid freaking hormones just keep bubbling up and messing with my head.

SO I am sick. Poor me. M is home today and hopefully he will get well quickly. As for me, I am just going to need to suck it up. Rest, eat, drink some herbal tea & water, use some Olbas in my nose and hope for the best, right?

Hey guess what else? Nothing but sunny skies and temps in the low 90s ALL WEEK LONG.

On that happy note, bye before you reach through the computer and wring my pathetic little whiny neck!!!

Complain Much?

2008-07-12T23:26:00.004-04:00

I could not look at the vagina-penis post any longer. I told K I have not posted a new entry the past few days because I could not stand to write another post about pregnancy but I'M BACK! Mostly just here to bitch 'cause it feels SO good and I know that pregnancy will not last forever so I may as well enjoy complaining about it now while I can??? That makes no sense but come on it 11:30pm and I am not even tired... well that is a lie I am tired but I cannot sleep.

Can I just say I had the worst leg cramp by far on Friday morning. K thought I was in labor because I was moaning and muttering so loudly for so long. It freaking hurt and I swear it lasted 10 minutes. Today, Saturday, I am walking with a major limp. Freakin' leg cramps... I thought I escaped them this pregnancy but how wrong I was.

My feet are on fire. My heels in particular are the worst. It feels like I walked 300 miles across hot coals, bare foot. IT FEELS THIS WAY ALL THE TIME NOW. I know some of this has to do with the minor swelling I have and the HELLO 40 lb weight gain (AGAIN.) I wear a size 5.5 shoe and once a cute swimmer boy named Jason whom I had a crush on commented on the size of feet - he said "I have no idea how you stay upright with such small feet." Not exactly the thing you want the boy whom you have a crush on commenting on but hey at least he was looking at me even if it was just my feet. I DIGRESS. All I want to do is sit but there is stuff to be done like you know pee.

400 times a day. Pee BE GONE. Please.

If my heels do not ache to the point of not wanting to walk then it is my back and my gawd stabbing searing pain there too. Before I even get to the "sleep issue" can I just say Pancake is low, like my goodness baby girl engage already, make water break DO SOMETHING. Please?! I love you already and would be thrilled to meet you sooner rather then later, ya know?!

Sleep... what? 2-4 hours of light sleep does not count as a full night's sleep? HA, I disagree. Even napping has been hard the past few days. I like to sleep, A LOT. Last night when Kevin was up with Matthew in the middle of the night I laid in our bed waiting to go back to sleep. From 1-4am. I gave up around 1:45am and watched Nancy Grace and some strange story about the largest siting of UFOs back in January '08 in Stephanville TX. I forgot how bad the TV choices are at 3:00am...

Finally, I received this random freaking email from the ex bf from hell. Ah can I just say it has been NINE years... PLEASE stop emailing me, PLEASE. AND he some how has my email address that I only give out to friends and family. I do not give that email addy to anyone and I tried, you cannot Google my email address based on my maiden name... I have my pretend email that I use on most web sites and to order shit. I told Kevin about this and he thought it might be that I forwarded something to someone who might know someone he knows but still... GO AWAY, please.

Other then feeling kind of whiny and really pregnant, I am having a charming weekend truly. There is a new pool for M in the yard that he loves, a wonderful 3rd birthday party for his friend G, swim class (and the discovery that one of the OBs in the practice we go to has her 3 yr old in our class too), a trip to Target, lots of one on one time with M, a visit with the nanny and really just resting as much as we possibly can.

Something has to happen soon with this baby, right? RIGHT?!?! Please just say right. Oh and 38 weeks officially on Monday. CRAZY how the time has gone by with this pregnancy!

Hero Worship?

2008-07-10T08:13:00.003-04:00

M has been fascinated lately with human parts. You know the specific parts I am talking about, right? Also, seriously do you think there is better topic I could think of to write about today???

The other day he wanted to know about what human anatomy I had versus what he had. He asked if 'Mommy has a penis' and I said 'no honey I have a vagina'. Then he named off all the people he knew who have a penis and me with my vagina. He finally dropped the subject, or more likely I changed the subject...

Last evening as we were enjoying some fine home cooking (pizza delivered from heaven... er I mean the Pizza Express dude!) Matthew brought up the penis discussion again, randomly, without provocation. He said 'I have a penis and Mommy has a...a... GIRL PENIS!' K almost spit his pizza in my face. Then when he saw his father's laughter he knew he had the wrong words so he quickly covered for this faux pas by brightly saying 'no no girls have skippers.' Skippers, huh?! Fighting with all my might to keep a straight face I told him that girls have vagina's and boys have penises. He seemed satisfied by this but he also proceeded to name the parts of those us around the table. He was also curious about Santana's parts. Never a dull moment in our dinner conversation.

He has decided that my breasts are really nifty. He wants to know about my bra and why I wear one. He told me he "loved" my breasts the other day. How do you EVEN respond to that? "Thank you! I appreciate your hero worship of my chest, darling!"

He has taken to poking at them and wanting to see my bra. In fact, yesterday we were setting up the co sleeper bassinet finally and he got my bathing suit from the bathroom. He stated the suit was dry then proceeded to try to dress me in it. He stopped and said "Mommy where is the other part?" I told him there are only two parts to the suit but he persisted. "NO the other part..." Oh I said 'you mean the bra?' He smiled and wiggled around and said YES! I said 'well Mommy has a bra on NOW but she does not wear a bra with the bathing suit.' He traipsed off happy with this response.

Finally, by far the worst thing for me is that in public when he gets nervous he has decided that sticking his hands down my voluptuous cleavage (WHY are all maternity shirts SO low cut these days?!??!) (and also I just used the words voluptuous cleavage in reference to my boobs) is a good way to get over his nervousness.

I cannot WAIT to bring a wee nursing baby home. I can only imagine the discussions that will ensue from that experience for the next year.

Appointment Number 300?!

2008-07-09T11:31:00.005-04:00

We saw Liz, the midwife, this morning for the first time in like two months! Hip hip hooray! All is well with reference to the baby. I am still pregnant, shocking news I know!

My BP is 112 over 74 so good, Baby Pancake's heart rate was 130 and I am measuring 36 in the belly area. All of this is normal or so I am told.

I am beta strep positive so that means an IV hook up during labor again. I figured as much and it is all good. At least I know what it means this time and while it sucks to have an IV pole to drag around while in active labor it is what it is.

We also scheduled an induction date for various reasons. I am not telling when just because it is fun to keep you guessing. A hint: it is after the due date.

Finally, Liz checked me (and um OUCH!) I am 1 cm and about 50% effaced which was a surprise to us to some degree! That is mostly what I was with M but not until closer to 40 weeks and it never changed even during those 14 days overdue. I am keeping my chin up and hoping for some good strong storm fronts to sweep through the area! I am off to drink some Raspberry Leaf tea, by the gallon!

Thumb SUCKER

2008-07-08T09:32:00.005-04:00

Oy, my sweet little boy, he is a thumb sucker. He was sucking his thumb in the womb and practically from the moment he came out. He never wanted a pacifier and the thumb sucking mostly did the trick when he was wee tot. I did research on the pacifier vs. thumb sucking at the time and decided that both were equal in some ways. Plus, I distinctly remember thinking HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO GET A KID TO STOP SUCKING BY AGE TWO??? SO who is the SUCKER now?!

Kevin just returned from a visit with the Dentist with mostly "dire" sounding news. The last visit with the Dentist he suggested we get Matthew to back off the thumb but it seems that any focus on his thumb was/is met with stubborn will, meaning he would do it more when we told him why he should not do it. This visit, they said Matthew's jaw is showing signs of misalignment and the roof of his mouth is rising up. Also, his whole jaw is off or crooked so when he smiles his teeth do not align.

After the 1st, my darling husband started in vein trying to get Matthew to stop. Admittedly, I have been mostly laissez-faire about the situation. I suggested to Matthew rather then suck his thumb just to put it in his mouth but not to suck it. I understand this is likely a stupid approach on my part. He sucks a lot and saying just put your thumb in your mouth but do not suck your thumb is like telling an alcoholic to just put the shot of booze in your mouth but do not swallow the drink. On top of all that, my mom was telling me how she sucked her thumb into adulthood and that Matthew would be fine, to let it be. For the record y'all because this rarely happens I actually listened to my mother, thankyouverymuch!

I started reading articles from a Google search entitled "how to stop thumb sucking". My goodness. These articles make me feel terrible for ever letting my child stick his thumb in his mouth. After reading several articles most of which felt like the authors were saying in essence "you dumb ass first time parent didn't you know that thumb sucking could do this to your kid!?!?!"

From these articles I learned that my child sucks due to being anxious, stressed out and he has low self esteem. Additionally, he will have speech issues from not being able to say the s, n or p sound (I think...) Finally, most telling and guilt worthy for all working parents in the world, my kid sucks his thumb because I tossed him to the wolves by leaving him at day care when he was too young (which has lead to the self esteem and anxiety issues according to earlier reports.)

Like I needed more parental guilt or really any guilt for that matter. I mean this has been a sucky few weeks for me so far - HELL, let's throw a healthy dose of guilt on top of guilt and really make a shit filled month! YEAH ME. Pity party for one, HERE.

SO with that pity party really just being for me, I found some less "guilt ridden articles" on how to stop thumb sucking and ways to do it with out scaring the crap out of my kid (and making him never want to see the Dentist again which is the direction we were heading). If you have heard of any good remedy or have a great suggestion I would greatly appreciate the head's up.

Another suggestion by the dentist was to find some books on thumb sucking which sounds so easy. Go to Amazon and insert key words, right?! When I put in 'thumb sucking' and thumbsucking' I was linked to this and this. No doubt these are excellent books but really will Matthew get what he needs from Kingsolver?!

ADDED: Contest Linkage

Soon To Be 37 Weeks

2008-07-03T14:07:00.006-04:00

The check in appointment this week was standard operating stuff. My BP was normal, the baby's heart is swoosh-beating away and I guess I was measuring fine since no one said anything about this. I had the Beta Strep swab. I am trying to stay positive and think negative (on the test that is!)

I was supposed to see the 3rd doc in the practice but he had the day off (why schedule the appointment with him on this day??) Not that I care, I get to go back to Liz from here on out thank goodness. She is so much more communicative and it is just easier to ask her questions then the docs. Weekly visits from here on out. Without further ado, here is the 36 week photo:

(I look as tired as I felt... a big four hours of sleep last evening. Combine that with the night before and I working on 9 hours in a 48 hour period. Sweeeet.)

Bonus cute Matthew photo (well he is cute in my opinion of course ;)

Happy 4th of July to all!!!

A Short Long Time

2008-07-02T09:29:00.001-04:00

25 days. Seems like such a short period of time and a life time rolled into one. Kevin and I joked about the baby being born on the 4th of July. I know this will not happen given the fact that Matthew was 14 days overdue and there is a long ass history of pregnancies going late in my family. I have settled in for the long haul mostly. I have moments of looking over at Kevin as I am struggling to lean over to get some laundry from the basket and in my best whiny voice saying ‘Gah, please let this baby come early!”

On one hand, I am very ready to be done being pregnant. The near constant pelvic pain, the lack of sleep, the “waddle” for lack of a better term and whatever new ache or ailment seems to happen now day by day. On the other hand, once Ms Pancake arrives in our lives life will be different. Great and wonderful I know this already but the unknown of having two looms. I know it will all work out and go smoothly but having her neatly tucked inside of my large and ever growing belly for the moment is okay with me as well. As much as I am ready to get my body back and be one with myself again, the things that sort of frighten me outweigh the need to have the baby in some ways.

I am nervous about how Matthew will react right away and many weeks after she is born. He is three and gets a lot of it but he still struggles with transitions and changes.

I am nervous about breastfeeding. It was a struggle the 1st time. I am stubborn and would not give up come hell or high water with Matthew. I sat in that chair in his room for literally 20 hours some of those early days with a squalling baby, a painfully sore chest and tears in my eyes. BUT we did it. At the end of the day, we survived those early days and I nursed Matthew for 20 months. I worry I will not have this kind of time, energy or stubbornness. And TWENTY MONTHS?!?!? Even the 12 month mark sounds like a long way off right now.

Sleep deprivation frightens me. I am so exhausted right now I am literally hallucinating most days. I have cried more the past two days then I have in four years. I just have no reason to cry. My life is dang good but the exhaustion I feel daily combined with my perceived shitty work performance has driven me over the edge.

I fear a baby. Yes, I did it once before, THREE YEARS AGO. And how Matthew survived US is still a mystery! I am hoping it will all come back to me like riding a bike or swimming a mile but still. I fear having a newborn again, no neck strength, changing diapers, putting on 12 little outfits because my gawd how big is a baby’s belly ANYWAY!?

Mostly I know it will all be okay. I am enjoying the quiet before the storm. I am taking in each moment with Matthew and Kevin. Baking cookies and resting my feet. Napping when I want to. Long showers (albeit cold ones but they are long ;) I know the addition to our family will be wonderful and special. As much as I have these fears lingering in my mind, I am so happy to welcome her whenever she and my body say so.

36 Weeks, 1 Day

2008-06-30T09:13:00.005-04:00

I feel like crappy crap today. Ms. Baby Princess Pancake is hanging LO. Like lower then I ever ever ever remember Matthew being mostly because Matthew being Matthew was tucked up comfortably under my rib cage (sucking his thumb of course) and not even inducing that kid made him come down this low, I swear.

Last night, I slept from about midnight till 2:30p. Then I was up from 2:30 till oh say around 5:00a. I feel like Denise Richards (anyone else watch trashy E reality TV? OMG, my brain... I cannot tell if I am feeling dumber from having watched that show during Matthew's nap yesterday or being up half the night...) Any who, I really have no idea what time I finally fell back to sleep because I just stopped watching the clock. What woke me up at 2:30a? A contraction followed by cramp-y feelings followed closely by OMG is there ONE, just one for the love all that is good, ONE comfortable position this ever loving bed?!

Mostly now I am tired and I am really uncomfortable physically. This is my brain on pregnancy? Yeah that it is. Were you expecting some kind of cohesive thought on this post!? Bahahahaha...

Did I mention I have to use the ladies room every 2.3 seconds and I feel like if I do not 'go' in a "timely" manner there will be, er, issues? Like I should carry an extra set of clothing around with me.

I also have been a spaz in our house. I randomly have ten projects going. I went to look at the pile of photos from hell that has accumulated in the downstairs closet (from hell). I realized I had about 500 magazine stuffed down there. SO I went through the photos and the magazines. That took almost 2 hours of my life. I am in the process of putting together two photo albums, stuffed 500 photos in a third (and called it day) with 10 million other photos to be printed off and put somewhere.

I went through the 900 million toys that Matthew had when he was a baby and required batteries. What the hell were we thinking?! Most were actually gifts and I remember thinking please lord NO MORE TOYS WITH BATTERIES at one point. I dug out all of the batteries (even the ones that spewed battery acid everywhere from sitting out in the freezing cold/boiling heat of our garage back when we said 'one was enough...') We set up a battery charging station which is still processing 50 different kind of rechargeable batteries. Weeee! There are still four toys and a bouncer without batteries. I do not think we have enough rechargeable batteries despite the fact that we bought the power pack at Sam's two years ago.

I decided to clean the pile of pictures accumulated over the past two years that Matthew has made. It broke my heart to make a keep and throw away pile. Matthew saw Kevin taking the throw away pile out and wailed about it until I told him Daddy was putting it in the garage for safe keeping. WHAT?! Stop looking at me like that. I had to say something, it was right before bed and I kept most of the stuff. Much of what I got rid of was from BDLC or our house from when he first learned to use a crayon. I recycled much of the paper for use on the other side too. PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT...

I believe but could be wrong that Matthew has hit a growth spurt. He has been eating like a fiend. Prior to this past week we had to fight to get him to eat his breakfast and/or dinner. He has suddenly taken to eating everything on his plate minus the veggies and the crusts of bread (which where did he learn about that?!) It has been pleasant even though I know it will not last forever. He has taken to falling down a lot and not on purpose.

The house gets cleaned today, thank goodness. One more day and I might have done it on my own.

We did NOT get the baby's room finished. Still lacking three main items plus shelves for the wall even though I spent a small fortune at Target on Saturday. Target does it again. Sucked me in with a list and spit me out with 12 random items I did not even KNOW I needed. I even heard a man say to his wife "oh honey I just remembered I need razors" and they turned back literally as they got to the check out area and were sucked back into the vortex known as Target. Do you think that big red bull's eye has some subliminal message in it?! Something like: Buy more items you do not need.

Sweet Baby Pie

2008-06-27T22:39:00.003-04:00

I had the most wonderful pedicure today. I am planning to make another appointment to have one of those before this baby comes. That is the plan anyway.

I am hoping that we can get the last of the baby stuff done this weekend. That little baby thing that has the floaty baby in it on my side bar says today is ah 30 days till this baby is due. I am surprisingly serene about this. That may change tomorrow but today I have just felt that when and what happens will happen.

I am watching Waitress right now. Have you seen it? It is a silly movie. I was unsure if I would like it but it is good in its silliness. Try it you might like it.

That is it for now. Time to go to bed.

Insert Foot, Idiot on Board

2008-06-26T10:03:00.004-04:00

I totally just stuck me foot (FEET!?) in my mouth with my boss. It was great... (and that was sarcasm people.)

Let's back track... work has been suck-tastic since late last year. I try not to talk too much about my job on here because holy shit is that boring or what?! BUT I must spew forth my feelings NOW. My production has been low. My numbers are horrendous. I cannot seem to get on the phone as much as I need to. Everything that was "supposed" to come together fell apart (not at my hands, it just did as it is in our market.) I am constantly tired, frustrated, grouchy and generally just no fun to be around during and immediately after work.

Some of this is pregnancy related, some it not. A little market driven and a little "Christina is a mental case" driven. There really is so much more to this then I am writing. Here is some of it...

I work with a "partner" in a given market and we both have expressed frustration over having one to many people in the market. That every year we as a pair make the same number of "placements" give or take one or two. That our relationship is not as honky dory as other pairs in our office and we kind of work on each other's nerves. She is VERY aggressive to my laid back attitude. She wants to do things one way and I another. It is like a bad marriage some days, SERIOUSLY.

I actually really like this person and vice versa but I do think our partnership is strained at best most days. When one of us is doing well, the other is sinking into a deep morass of hellish depression, frustration and resentment toward the other.

I did not use these words to describe my work life to my boss but that is basically what I just told my boss.

She profoundly disagreed with me as is her nature and the nature of our relationship. We think in such different ways anyway. I feel like she is always black and white (SHE IS!) and she just think I am total head case(which I am, kay I admit that readily but some times I CAN be right, some times dammit!) She feels that what we talked about is my own issue (and my partner's), our own heads that get in the way. That if I set myself up to only get so many "placements" (how I make money...) then that is all I will make. She used the example that if I think I can only run 3 miles that is all I will ever run. She has a good point. It is true for work and life as well.

Her honesty and ways of thinking are why I like this person so much (and yet she drives me batty too.) It also felt good to get the BS that has been rolling around in my head for literally years off my chest to her.

I do need to work harder and make it work or else I am just going to keep going down this long and painful path that I have been on for a good six months.

I did not mention here or to my boss that I often distrust my partner and the way she does business. Her aggressive personality to my not so aggressive personality makes me feel kicked to curb in many situation. I feel the need to constantly protect my candidates and when I was maternity leave last time she took a bunch of my active candidates. One of which I worked with and did as much work as she did and recently because she kept that person in her group ended up making a placement. She gets what she wants my jamming two people together and I do not but that also leaves my candidates on the outside of the circle looking in thus resulting in the 1st half of her year being awesome and mine being pure crap.

My point here was 1/3 to work out the fact that I just did such a lame ass thing like laying my heart out to my boss, 1/3 to just work it all out and 1/3 to kick myself in the ass and get back to work (does that make a whole?! Likely not, I suck at Math in case you were wondering!) I do think pregnancy has made me spacey but I am also constantly worried about money and work which contributes to being even more spacey on top of the normal pregnancy stuff. Maybe just getting out in the open will help. I have little time to resurrect six months of failing apart but I plan to do it while I can. I plan to enjoy my leave as best I can and come back with a new and improved attitude. I also can only hope that fallout from my putting of the foot in the mouth will be minimal... And I plan to buy some duct tape, STAT!

A Whale of a Photo

2008-06-24T22:04:00.006-04:00

M the Cowboy (or a little boy who has hardly EVER liked that rocking horse until either another child looks at it OR when we put it in Baby Pancake's room... Jealously is great, ain't it?!)

M came in from a walk and wanted an apple. He looked so grown up when he leaned on the counter top and cupped his chin into his hand to chew mindlessly on the apple. It was so cute I could not resist!

The sun was shining into the house the other morning and projected M's toys from the glass table onto the wall.

AND then there is me... Why yes yes I not only sit like a dude I now stand like a dude. The words HOUSE, WHALE and ELEPHANT all came to mind when I saw these photos.

WELCOME TO 35 weeks BABY!

* That is the cute $3 skirt I bought the other day!
** Note to self: Must visit a hair dresser QUICKLY. GAH, what kind of hair "style" is that anyway?

Random Chatter

2008-06-24T09:13:00.004-04:00

Sweaty palms & swollen fingers again, just so you know. Also, the high 80s all week long. I knew the cooler temps would not last but it was lovely while they were here!

I receive an email that I randomly signed up for through the hospital that I grew up near by in San Jose. It is one of those weekly pregnancy emails and by far it has been the greatest "weekly update" that I have received through either pregnancy. At any rate this week it says:
* Approximate length (of the baby) 18 inches, weight 5 to 6 pounds.
* The baby will be descending even lower into the pelvis; this is called "lightening" or "engagement."
* As the baby rests her head in the pelvic cavity, mother's lungs and stomach are less pressured, possibly making breathing easier.

I would definitely say, based on the level of soreness I have at this time, that all of these things are true. Also, holy crap THIRTY FIVE WEEKS?!?!?

Yesterday, I made the last of my weekly appointments to see Liz, the midwife. I totally lied and said I need to make them because my work wanted to know for scheduling purposes. SO I have all my weekly appointments up till my due date. FREAKY!

I finally sucked it up on Monday and Merry Maids will be coming to clean our house next Monday. Letting go of control over cleaning my own environment scares the crap out of me but given the fact that any bending and/or squatting is painful we decided this was the best course of action given the state of icky that our toilets have become. I am looking forward to a few weeks of letting it all go and not being worried about it. They are only going to be cleaning the main level of our house (it was cheaper) and we will take care of the basement.

We also hired a nanny! We checked references, did the back ground check and offered her the job last evening. She accepted so we are happy about that. Big relief. Now if I could just stay awake long enough to get the last of the items we need for the baby (A MONITOR, still...) we will be pretty much all set. Any thoughts about monitors from you smarties out there? Which do you like? Why?

I took out a couple of size 1 diapers to keep in the car along with wipes. I was amazed at the size of ONE diapers. I forgot how little a baby's rump is! Kevin installed the baby's car seat on Saturday. We wanted to get Matthew used to it. He did not even care. In fact, he cared more when I put the stupid mirror thing in there a few weeks back.

Finally, we bought a freezer for the garage. It feels so odd to have it. Growing up there were five of us in the house plus a zoo of animals and we always just had our one little fridge and freezer combo, nothing big and fancy. This was Kevin's birthday present from March so he is most excited though we did have a moment at Sam's when we thought we would not get the box in the car. We finally managed to jam it in AND shut the door. It feels nice to have extra room to put meats, frozen pastas/veggies/black bean burgers and veggies from our garden but frivolous none the less. Any ideas for frozen meals that we can make and put in there for after Pancake arrives?

Beautiful With Sweaty Palms & A Waddle

2008-06-23T08:59:00.008-04:00

I am hot, like right now. I hate it when I am hot. Almost as much as being cold. Mostly it is the sweaty palms because I just want you to consider my ability to type with sweaty palms. In addition to the nasty hand sweating issue, it makes my digits swell so not only do my nasty wet fingers slip off the key board but every other letter I type is wrong. Drives a girl batty who types pretty darn fast. I have actually developed the ability to type really fast AND include the backspace bar. SCARY.

Any who, I waddle. Yup. Officially. I waddle. I realized last evening as I lay awake in the middle of the night (despite being exhaustedly tired - BTW, exhaustedly is a word, I do not care if freaking Webster's says it is not...) that this pregnancy gig is not so bad if it were not from the soreness felt from ya know the breasts down to the very bottom of my heels that and the sleepless exhaustion that seems to have addled my brain. I can no longer walk properly and really can anyone fault a pregnant woman for sitting like a total dude? Well if you "sit" in judgment of this behavior I just do not care. It is comfortable, kay?!

I love my son, that is without a doubt, but this morning made me you know think that there was another reason to add to a list of reasons I am glad I have kids. Matthew saw me in my $3 skirt that I bought while attending the refresher baby birth course last week and he said (without any prompting thankyouverymuch) "Mommy you are SOOOO beautiful." Then he told Kevin he was handsome and he made us dance together. Daddy is not so light on his feet but we danced (and even dipped... Kevin now needs to be adjusted to fix his back from this harrowing experience. I kid! sort of...) Some things never change.

Matthew had a weird weekend. He was whiny and tired a lot. Hmm, do you think he is taking a cue from his mother??? Yeah because maybe that is the case now that I step back and think about it. Then I read a stupid Newsweek article about 8 bad ways to discipline your child and YO we are doing most of them... Sigh. Well, he has money set aside for college, or therapy, which ever he needs more of.

I am back to napping every chance I get. Which kind of sucks on the weekend. I cannot get anything done that needs to be done and I have resorted to just buying everything online once again because I really need some stuff because holy crap, there are only 48 hours in the weekend... Matthew naps for about an hour and a half, two hours if we are tired. I have been getting him down for a nap and barely making it the 10 steps to my bed before I am asleep. I barely sleep at night and I am up at the butt crack of dawn plus the 30+ times I wake up to find a "comfy" position or pee... UGH. Makes the week days interesting to say the least.

I was telling Kevin that I remember some of these "issues" from my pregnancy with Matthew. For instance, my feet aching I do remember but not to the extent that I have now. This feet aching includes near constant pain and not even staying off my feet seems to alleviate my pain. SO that kind of sucks. And of course we were both like, HELLO, it was just Kevin and I - what you were expecting some deep epiphany or what. There was no three year old who embraces the idea of full fledged movement and the need for constant stimulation. Not that I would want my child any other way. I am just saying I like Matthew's nap and bed time. A LOT!

I have a secret too. That I am going to share with you - please do not hold this against me. I really like to watch the teenybopper shows on the Disney Channel... Kevin rolls his eyes at this little secret pleasure. He asked me last evening "Honey, can't you just wait a few more years until YOUR kids are teenagers to watch this stuff?" AH, NO. I mean come on... High School Musical 2 and Wizards of Waverly Place. That is some good freaking TV. Really this just illustrates the mentality of the person who is presently writing this blog. Also, I have always been this way. Secretly watching and loving kid's shows. WEIRD, eh?

My hands are still sweaty, I am hungry and I should, well, you know do some work. BYE!

Refresher Course

2008-06-20T08:49:00.005-04:00

We had our refresher birth class last evening. There was just one other couple and our Douala, Molly, "taught" the class. It was actually a lot of fun and great to just to be reminded of some of things that maybe escaped us. I also bought the cutest skirt for $3 from their little store! We set up a time to meet with Molly in a couple of weeks. Then we went home, chatted with Kelly (thank you thank you thank you! we totally owe you!) and went to sleep.

Lo, the dreams I had last night were freakish and frightening. Perhaps it was all that reliving of the 1st labor and delivery process. Both myself and the other women had long crazy birth stories (and seriously hers ended with two weeks after giving birth having a forgotten SPONGE removed from her body...)

The main dream that did not seem to ever end but has made me immeasurably exhausted this morning was of me laboring for hours. On the floor, an industrial strength type hospital floor. Otherwise the room was devoid of anything besides me moaning and moving around. Of course hours went by and NO BABY. Molly and another unidentified person were there telling me this was JUST NOT WORKING. SO the opposite of what a Douala is supposed to do, right!? It was like my worst baby delivery nightmare. When I had Matthew I did not have him on the floor I can assure you of that. I actually tried numerous positions during labor but not a single one included lying on the hospital floor because UGHHHA, gross. I have dark shadows under my eyes that go down to me knees from two nights of hellish sleep patterns. Oh and did I mention my eyes popped open at 5:00a and would not stay closed.

Any who along with the charming hours long labor dream sequence & early morning wake up call by own damn body, I had not one, not two but THREE leg cramps in the same leg one right after another... on and on. This time I did not scream but I did writhe in pain, grip the sides of the mattress AND my leg and moaned quietly. Sort of like labor... Ah yeah. This was my right leg and if you will recall last evening I had a leg crap which was in my left leg that made me slightly limpy. Now I am can hardly walk on top of the already painful pelvic waddle I had before any leg cramps occurred. I must just be a sight to behold.

Pregnancy glow, my ass!

***

Also, what about this???

Bump bump SWOOOSH

2008-06-19T14:52:00.005-04:00

I took half the day off to hang out with M this morning. It was spectacular despite the fact that my sleep pattern sucked last night. To say it was disturbed would be an understatement. Also, it has been in maybe the mid 50s at night, with the windows open, the fan and air conditioning running and I am still freaking hotter then hell. I practically freeze K AND the dogs right out of the room! Oh and I had my 2nd (only) (thank GAWD) leg crap were I shrieked loudly in pain gripping at the pain and trying to roll over yet I am stuck ON MY BACK LIKE A BLOODY HARPOONED WHALE... Er hmm. My husband slept through it. Thanks honey. Oh well at least the 3 year old woke up and came in to see what was going on...

Any who, M and I had a wonderful time. We played together this morning after Daddy left for work. We played in the basement for the first time since the weather got nice. Since it has been awhile it was like those toys were all new. AND being as hot as it has been going outside all the time is just not a spectacular option for me.

We visited the Ob/Gyn to hear Baby Pancake's heart beat after play time. M was thrilled to go along with me. He was such a good boy. Though I am hoping for no permanent scarring from the pee in a cup thing that he had a chance to experience... Nuff said on that topic, eh? We had snacks & read books while we waited for the doctor. And his face just lit up when he heard the heart beat which made my heart skip a beat.

Then we went off to get some Starbucks (chocolate milk and blueberry muffins)and see the construction site along the way. We made it to a little park we have never been to across from the hospital. It was such a beautiful well kept shady little park I wondered why we have never been there before?! M loved it and there were plenty of options in terms of play equipment and kids to play with. I watched mostly and had all of the stay at home mommies who likely wondered who I was (they all seemed to know one another...) ask me when I was due.

Is this odd? I am 34 weeks pregnant and I keep forgetting I am as big as a house! I look blankly at people and I stumble all over my words (slobber?) saying "ahhh the baby is ahhh due in ahhh oh yeah YEAH the end of July!" Real firecracker I am! Whatever - M had a ball playing on the park equipment.

I finally talked him into leaving (mostly because it was time to go...) and we stopped by to visit "our office" (not Daddy, but our office...) This was 1st time M came into our work and was less shy then normal. He still covered his eyes and clung to me at first but I could put him down and he was okay with that. He gave Jim knuckle bumps and jumped into his Daddy's arms. He told his Daddy he heard Pancake's heart and it went bump bump swoosh (melting my heart again!) He got to feed the turtles, squeeze K's stress duck, play with my slinky and visit the fish (no I do not work in a pet store or a novelty store but it is a pretty homey office!)

Finally off we went to Kel's house for lunch and a much needed nap. He almost fell asleep on the way there! I was pooped but boy was it worth taking the morning to spend some special time with M especially before we turn his world on its side.

We are doing a refresher birth class tonight that I hope I can stay awake through. Mostly I wanted to do the class because I keep panicking over how little I remember from over three years ago. I thought it was just me until K told me he is "sort of scared shitless" for this birth (GO CONFIDENT COUPLE!!!) Our Douala, Molly, is teaching the course so we are taking advantage of getting together with her during this time as well.

Ack, I have no idea how to end this other then saying I am so tired that I have barely accomplished anything at work since arriving and wished I had cuddled up on M's cot at Kel's house for a nice long nap as well!!

Like a Light Switch

2008-06-18T09:44:00.005-04:00

Kevin said it best last evening - "toddlers are like a light switch. On, off, On, off..." My gawd. Last evening was an "event" in our house. There was much crying, red faces, screaming, threats and that was just from the adults. I kid. I mean we did have red faces & there were threats bandied about but mostly the crying and screaming came from Matthew.

I think we broke the record with four FOUR time outs. Two threats of going straight to bed (one that was carried out, sort of) and one threat of taking his blankie away (oy the screaming on that one...)

Like a light switch (so in between each on there was a sweet kind Matthew boy going on...)

Switch flip #1: 30 seconds after getting into the car after picking Matthew up at Kelly's house. Kevin went in the opposite direction then we went the night before to see the "DIGGGGGGGGGGGERS". Oh AND he threw his blanket over his head into the back seat area where we could not get it. He threw a fit over both things and the minute the construction site came into view he stopped screaming and laughed. It was insane.

Switch flip #2: Throwing rocks on a bike ride with Kevin after Kevin told him nicely to stop. (TIME OUT #1)

Switch flip #3: Wanting his blanket, a sip of water AND a nose wipe while serving his 3 minute time out.

Switch flip #4: "I WANTTTTTTTTTTT TO GO GET THE RED RIPE STRAWBERRIES AND TOMMMMMMMATOESSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW" (for the love of gawd...)

Switch flip #5 (more us then him): Dinner has been hell lately. Matthew won't eat which is fine but he needs to sit in his chair for at least a few minutes, that is the rule at this time and he must ask to be excused as well. Lately he has taken to throwing food (??? WHA...), clinking his fork/spoon on the table (a habit we are STILL trying to break from BDLC), standing up (and reaching for stuff), and calling us "names". BUT really listening in the biggest issue. There were THREE more time outs during dinner one of which resulted in the going to bed right now.

Switch flip #5: Getting ready for bed after talking about why he was in his room already. This was followed closely by #6,7, & 8 which included teeth brushing, putting on PJs and getting a band aid for his boo-boo.

Switch flip #9: Getting a book for bed, going to bed and you know actually sleeping.

There was one other incident where he was sweetly blowing raspberries on my belly and the expression on his face was one of amazement as Pancake kicked hard every time he did it. However even as I asked him to be gentle with soft touches - he just kept blowing the raspberries harder and harder despite my soft kind words. I finally had to get up and walk away from him. He thought this was quite funny...

Oh and did I mention that Kevin just walked away from most of this at one point to go watch TV in our bedroom leaving me to deal with devil boy?!

This morning? More of the EXACT same behavior. Tired I tell you, tired. We have listening ears and many threats but boy am I tired of using all my energy and the small amount of time I have with Matthew each morning/evening being alternately pissed off and frustrated with my child...

One of my co workers asked how Matthew was and I said "great! for not listening..." He laughed his ass off at me and said "Christina that is not going to change until he is maybe 33, if that." I guess I better get used to this, huh!?

Look Out Below!!!

2008-06-16T15:20:00.005-04:00

Have I mentioned that I am suddenly the most clumsy person on the planet at the moment? Some reasons WHY:

* I have butter fingers and drop everything.

I mentioned yesterday I chipped one of our "good" plates (ha we have no GOOD plates. We have two sets of white plates from Crate & Barrel that we have had since before we were married...) However I have not chipped a plate since I was like 13.

* I end up looking like my three old when I do the dishes - slopping water all over my big ole belly. Kevin, who is likely the worst washer of dishes EVER, made fun of me the other day saying "my aren't we less anal these days" at my lack of ability to get the actual food off the dishes I am washing (YES we own a dish washer but I do not wash plastics in the dishwasher. There is a long paranoid story there...)

* I dropped the q-tip box FACE DOWN the other day, a box of 500 q-tips.

* I run into things that I know are there and have not moved in many months (and in some cases years.)

* Only time will tell when I actually go to sit my fat rump in my chair at work and lo the chair is no longer there as it is usually trusted to be.

* I seriously dropped the metal bird feeder hook on Matthew's head on Sunday morning. He was a very good sport about it, I felt like shit. No damage done, I think...

* I have little cuts and bruises on my hands, legs, and feet but I have no idea where they came from! I have burned my hands and arms several dozen times in the past two weeks.

* I write emails and review them and realize I have left out entire thoughts, misspelled basic words and really have no cohesive thought pattern most of the time.

* I find myself smiling a lot like I have completely lost my mind because if I open my mouth the stuff that comes out GAHHHH. Pure blather.

* I cannot concentrate long enough to read a book, magazine article or Internet site. I literally cruise over the verbiage of everything and do not really take in the nature of the words I am looking at (yet I still try to act social from time to time to discuss a book, article or piece of world news and well ah yeah see above!)

I think I might be getting ready to have a baby soon! Weeeeeee!

Father's Day Weekend IN REVIEW

2008-06-16T09:13:00.004-04:00

I feel like I am always gushing about our weekends lately but they have been really nice so I guess I have reason to gush. Soon enough weekends will be gone, turned into 7 day weekends for a few months and then back to cramming too much into to little time with two kiddos. I know leisurely weekends are not forever things especially since Pancake is due some time between now and the end of July! While I am excited to meet her I am also cherishing these quiet times as they are now. I digress.

Saturday:
* We had yummy Saturday morning pancakes that Kevin made. We hung out and played (I cleaned a little bit too.)

* Then Kevin and Matthew went off to swim class while I frantically ran around to Lowe's and Wal-mart buying Father's Day gifts. It took forever and I was glad to be home after two hours.

* Matthew was waiting for me to read him a book before nap and he went right to sleep after that. Matthew was thrilled about swim class again and bubbled on about how he dove head first into the water and put his face to blow bubbles and kicked water and "WOW it was so great Mommy!" I love coming home and being greeted by his sweet little smiley face & excited swim class stories! And I wish he went to sleep at night as well as he naps!

* I bought a baby book on my travels that I LOVE! It is a lot like Matthew's book but a little more in depth. Oh and it is pink with little flowers!

Kevin surprised me by purchasing 4 yards of mulch & he spent the entire afternoon spreading the mulch while I lounged inside doing NOTHING. I felt horrible not being able to help since it was hot and sunny. AND HE SPREAD ALL THE MULCH at one time! It does look great and we are both glad to not have a huge pile of mulch in our front drive!

* I realized that Matthew had been napping the WHOLE afternoon away because I kept waiting for Kevin to come in. I was in the zone. I quickly woke Matthew up and he played like mad with Daddy while I made a special meal of stuffed shells and green beans. Then bed time and relaxing a bit more (oh and trip to Kroger to pick up Father's day breakfast items!)

Sunday:
* I rolled out of bed at 6:01. Matthew came in stating it was definitely time to wake up since his clock said it was 6 o'clock. He watched Thomas while I made a Father's breakfast feast. Eggs, bacon (which I NEVER cook), fruit of various kinds, cinnamon rolls, OJ, coffee and toasted buttered English muffins. We feasted (only after I almost burned myself three times and chipped a plate... sigh.) Kevin received his gifts & cards (a couple of much needed new grill tools, a new bird feeder & hanger, & a car washing kit - he wanted these items so that is what he got!)

* Then we went outside. We went for a long walk around the neighborhood. After that we went out into the backyard & played in Matthew's pool for about two hours! This is the longest time we have played outside in the pool all summer and it was lovely!

* After playing, we hit Kroger for groceries, then lunch and nap time. Matthew and I both napped Sunday!

* Kevin woke us up and we hit the local theatre to see Kung Fu Panda. Matthew was great for the movie. He sat on Daddy's lap most of the movie and moved to his own seat. He commented loudly the whole movie (yup that was MY kid!) and seemed to like it but not as much as the "Horton" movie as Matthew calls it!

We went home and Matthew & I played out in the front yard while Kevin grilled steaks and chicken for dinner. We made a neighborhood friend in a little white dog who was forgotten outside by his owners. Our neighbor across the street finally told us which house he belonged to and we all brought him back to his rightful owners. We ate dinner and got ready for bed.

We are enjoying our yard more and more with each passing day. That I LOVE because in our old yard we just never went out there much as there was no flat places to play like this yard!

I am trying to accommodate my lack of energy and movement by doing other "activities" with Matthew. We did some art projects and we have a new game where I yell "Ready, set, GOOOO" and Matthew runs like a mad man all around the house or yard giggling. He comes back and we do that all over again. He thinks this is the best game on earth and I hope he keeps loving it for a few more weeks! It is great because we are playing "together", I get to sit in one place and he is using up his boundless energy!

Hope everyone had a nice weekend as well!

Random Patter

2008-06-13T08:44:00.008-04:00

Holy crap, have you seen the price of gas??? Kevin merely pointed to the sign on the local ghetto (cheap) gas station last evening and my poor jaw is still trying to find its way back together. $4.16. I am going to need to find a supplemental income to drive my vehicle any more...

It is going to rain AGAIN supposedly (can we really trust those forecasters?) 1-2 inches they are saying. Holy crap. Last night however was HEAVEN! After the little boy who does not like to fall asleep went to sleep Kevin and I sat out on the back deck. We were entertained by the crazy flocks of birds doing odd maneuvers in the air above our heads. We took in the 1st of the fireflies coming out along with the sun setting & the smells of freshly cut grass wafting past our noses. The click of the sprinkler next door. It was pure unadulterated heaven!

Matthew is VERY VERY proud that he wearing whitey tidy big boy undies today. Do you think he will kill one day for writing that here?!?!? Ah yeah. Whatever, I will just remind him that he went around pulling them down to show people! No more Thomas or Cars for him! Mostly I think they are bigger and not cutting off the circulation to his lower half! Maybe that will help him to listen better...

We have those stupid little fruit flies in our house. I hate them and they make my bananas turn brown. VERY QUICKLY. Grrr...

I moved the dog crates out of Baby Pancake's room last evening. Now her room looks like the sales floor at Baby's R Us. We set up the swing and two bouncers... Not that they will all stay there but I felt this urge to get them out and put the covers on. I am a little obsessed with preparedness right now. I also moved the stereo that was formerly housed in the entertainment center that was downsized (because we totally did not think that one through...) The stereo ended up in Pancake's room, I do not know why. Now it has found a new home in the basement and will likely only issue forth strains of Jack Johnson, Raffi and assorted children's CDs from here forth.

I figured it out. I am 33 weeks, 5 days pregnant TODAY. I added a little thing on the right side bar over yonder that tells me how much longer I have until my due date. I stole the little thing from Diary of Modern Matriarch's site just so you do not think I am all original and cool like that!

Currently our house is a disaster zone. There is not one room in our house that does not need something or is complete. We still need to find a headboard for Matthew's bed. And ours. It would be nice to one day paint our room. We need a sofa table and numerous shelves. I just wish we lived next door to an Ikea. Why Ikea won't you open a store in Indianapolis??? PLEASE (said in a begging toddler tone...)

I ate two Crescent doughnuts this morning. I could not stop myself. (And seriously that link is from a quick Google search - best I could find to show what a Crescent doughnut is but also the story made me giggle. The last time I bought doughnuts there I was a little weirded out by the experience myself but dang are they good eats!)

My husband loves Jim Cramer from Mad Money. And this morning I caught him opening an email called "The Daily Booyah". I almost peed my pants laughing at him.

I have Father's Day all planned out. The weather is supposedly going to be terrific. I am looking forward to the weekend! Do have anything planned for Father's day? If so, what are they??

What Week Is This?

2008-06-11T22:28:00.006-04:00

I just cannot keep track because my brain is totally fried SO let's just call this week 33-34 and go with it. However, I just like to call this week "I FEEL HUGE-MONGUS"! Whatever... my word I can use it!

Matthew was hugging Baby Pancake this morning before work. I really want a couple of photos of his hand on my belly but my husband's photos taking skills are ah less artistic then I had hoped for. Whatever the photo turned out cute (well cute for my pregnant belly looking like a GIGANTIC beach ball...)

Sadly this is the best zoo photo I took. It was hot and I was really not feeling well. There was a polar bear SWIMMING back and forth in this tank but the only photos I have of Matthew AND the polar bear are terrible.

The stormy crazy weather produced a beautiful rainbow in between storms last week.

Girlie Girl

2008-06-10T12:30:00.006-04:00

I have to say that recently as my nesting instincts have kicked into high gear I have been channeling my inner girlie girl and loving it! I love the pinks, oranges and yellows. Not that Matthew cannot wear or have these colors but contextually it is different. I am excited for hair ribbons, bows and dolls. To make little pony tails and buy a little kerchief and head bands! I cannot believe that soon I will have a little girl. SOON. I am excited and amazed. And nervous. Kevin is nervous too. I know it will be okay, we will figure out the wiping thing which for some reason terrifies us both!

As it was with Matthew, I am looking forward to meeting this little person growing inside of me who flitters & flutters about, drags her foot (feet?) across my abdomen with more and more frequent regularity throughout the night hours, and has taken to having the hiccups some times 4-5 times a day!

I remember looking down at Matthew in the wee hours of the night while nursing and seeing the boy he would become. I never had words to describe that night, I likely still do not - more then anything it was probably a combo of intense love and desperate sleep deprivation! I just remember seeing how he would change from baby to boy soon as he laid there before me across my boppy sleeping. And this was just a few weeks into his life with us!

I remember longing for the moment when I would hear his little voice and how it amazes me to this day to hear him rattle on about random things.

I love how her room is turning out - the retro Partridge family birds, the color of the room, putting up some of pictures I had in my room as a girl.

I am excited that we have her name picked out.

I am enjoying Matthew's increased understanding and awareness of Baby Pancake - giving kisses and hugs and asking about what she will be like when she gets here.

I enjoy the dreams of her that I remember here and there. Where I firmly believe I am meeting her in a way. To help prepare me for her entry into our lives in the very near future!

I stand in her pretty green & pink room looking at the little pink socks and ruffly pink outfits and hope to gawd that the tech was right... that she is indeed a girl...

Going on a Nanny Hunt...

2008-06-10T11:37:00.006-04:00

We met with out first nanny prospect this morning. It went well. We knew her from Matthew's previous day care center experience. Hopefully we can meet with two others before making a decision. I am already leaning toward this person for a variety of reasons.

Mostly I wanted to share that I always hate being the interviewer and every time I am in the position to face to face interview someone I realize how poorly I would do in a management role! One would think I would be comfortable with this role as we have done this three times before when looking for day care situations for Matthew.

The thing I find the most humorous of all: do you want to know what I do at my job all day??? INTERVIEW people. But it is over the phone, no face to face. We follow a basic script and really most people's answers to our questions are the same. BUT I just checked and since January 1, 2008 I have conducted 60 interviews with candidates and written 23 jobs with employers. That is just the first half of THIS year.

Since starting my job in 2004 I have conducted (GET THIS) 516 interviews with candidates and written 268 jobs with employers. One would think I would be comfortable with this process by now!!!

Swamp City!

2008-06-09T08:49:00.004-04:00

What a weekend! It was hot, rainy and flood like all around us. In a word it was swampy this weekend! We took Matthew to the Zoo Friday morning. The ride to Indy seemed longer because Matthew has taken up selective hearing which is not really a recent development, just a development that is becoming more annoying with each passing day of this pregnancy. I even pulled for the 1st time ever: "If you do not listen to me, I will make your Dad turn this car around right now and we are going home!" Oh the pride & joy of parenting!

The zoo was nice but very hot & humid. I waddled about feeling sort of sorry for myself because I could do virtually nothing for or with Matthew. Kevin & Matthew had a great time (and really seriously that is what counts!) Mostly I was just hot and my favorite part of the trip was eating lunch in the air conditioning and going in to see the Hissing cockroaches. It was also air conditioned!! Matthew's favorite things were the playground and the rickety old bridge which is just a swaying bridge to the rhinos (and no, he did not care about the rhinos, just the bridge.) Of course when we (I) finally decided to leave Matthew wanted to see everything. I will upload the few photos I managed to take this evening and post for tomorrow.

Matthew started a Level 1 swim class Saturday morning and he totally rocked it. We were nervous because when I called to check they said Matthew would be going in on his own. We have not done swim classes since it was Parent/baby and we got in with him. And his only exposure to a pool really has been the blow up turtle pool in our yard and the beach last summer. They basically had two instructors to five little boys. The instructors were great. They came and greeted Matthew who was clinging to me like I was the last great hope to get him out of it even thought he was SO SO excited for swim class the entire week and we signed up for swim classes only because he asked me about doing them 10 billion times for several weeks before.

We think the only reason he let go of me had to do with Jacob the little boy sitting next to us. Ironically Matthew climbed right in and Jacob sat on the side most of the class. The class was great! They worked on blowing bubbles, jumping in, kicking, and floating. Matthew loved it!! He would look over at us and smile or wave. And when he came out of the locker room he had a crabby face. I asked him 'why?' and he said because he wanted to go back into the pool so I will take that as a rousing success! By far he was the youngest in the class so I was pretty proud of him for rolling with it all and I hope it continues to be a success!

I tried to spend time outside this weekend but the high temps/humidity are just killing me. The round ligament pain and sciatic nerve thing make doing most anything very difficult and painful. I am trying to ignore the pain and just live life but some days are more difficult then others. We ran a lot of errands. I bought the Ergo carrier! I also finally used some Best Buy gift cards I had from the holidays. I bought Matthew a Thomas DVD since it is near impossible to find the show on TV these days and two CDs for myself (Bob Marley and Van Morrison - old school music that I LOVE!) I bought Kevin one of his Father's Days gifts. We hit Sam's Club & Kohl's. Both of which we totally bought stuff we did not need - as much as we try to just buy what we need we never seem to be able to!

Our friends came over for a morning of running, jumping, and swimming in the pool Sunday. Oh BTW that was the kid's activities, not ours - we sat and watched! The whole not listening combined with the whole not sharing thing was fun to explore with Matthew. He even threw a bucket of water in our friend's daughter's face. Ummm, yeah. That is my kid. Sweeet. I know he will learn and I know if we keep talking about it and working on it this will get better and eventually he will learn but GAH does it suck right NOW.

We spent some time gardening Sunday in the sweltering heat which may have been wicked funny to watch as an observer because I looked like a 90 year old arthritic person bending over trying to prune the rose bush and dead head flowers. SO not pretty. I also need to cut my finger nails. They are dang hooks right now. OH and I did my toe nails. Again from an observational stand point, umm funny. Do not look to closely at those toes, they look like shit! Finally, we watched National Treasure II. I liked it, of course, I am a sucker for a mystery type thriller movie and cannot wait to finally see the new Indiana Jones when it comes out on DVD.

Matthew has taken to saying "as well..." which is something I say often. As in: "Mommy, may I have some watermelon as well?" It cracks me up. He actually is doing a fairly good job with his manners despite the issues with sharing and listening. It is nice to hear him say please and thank you every now and again without our prompting him to do so. It is like a teeny tiny victory that we pat ourselves on the back for.

AND for real finally, I have decided to stop reading all parenting/pregnancy magazines because Fit Pregnancy for June/July had me in a bloody panic last night over the stupidest things. I kept asking Kevin "do you think the baby is okay?" and I was worrying over foods I was eating and how much weight I have gained AND OMG BURN THE MAGAZINE NOW!!! SO no more magazines (or pregnancy books) for me, for now!

List Maker, List Maker, Make Me a List

2008-06-04T11:07:00.005-04:00

I am sort of list maker when it comes to clearing my brain and relieving the worry that goes along with feeling like I have 900 million things to do but no organized thoughts about getting them done...

It is not so much the checking off of a list that does it for me so much as the getting the cob webs out of my head especially at this late stage in the pregnancy game. If I do not put stuff on my calendar as it comes up I forget about it entirely and then I obsess over the fact that I missed the event or activity. Thankfully my husband and friends seem patient with me and just gently pat me on the back saying "no no that is not happening until NEXT week..." all the while cursing my stupidity I am sure ;)

Did I tell you the other day I walked to my acupuncture appointment and thought as I walked that it was the wrong day. She was in the room with someone so I peeked at her calendar and lo my appointment was not last Wednesday but THIS Wednesday so I left before she knew I was there.

With no further ado a list for your exciting viewing pleasure (Gawd could I be any more daft, boring and lame?!?!)

What we still need/want list:
Baby monitor (the little TV screen on our old one died) (how did our parents survive without the TV screen monitor anyway?!)
Sling(s) (STILL)
Born Free or Dr Browns Baby bottles (We threw out the old ones due to the whole toxic plastic thing)
Bottle drying rack
JJ Cole Bundle Me
A gift for Matthew from us for after the baby arrives
A night stand or little table for the baby's room - for water and stuff while I am nursing
2 shelves for baby's room
Snacks for the hospital (GOOD ONES)
Cash (for the hospital)
Tapes for the camcorder
Bumbo seat

We also need to start stocking up on extra food in our freezer for after the baby arrives. Okay and I need to pack a bag which is not going to happen for a few more weeks (hopefully?!) so I can obsess about that later.

I hesitate to say this BUT I think this all we need. Everything is all set. I am amazed by this and I am sure there will be 900 other things that come up once Princess Pancake arrives but I feel moderately good about it all!!!

Hot Flash from Hell

2008-06-04T10:07:00.006-04:00

Is this becoming Pregnancy Whine Fest 2008 or what? Umm yeah. So this morning I woke up feeling okay. Tired but okay. Matthew's pull ups leaked so his bed was wet but he calmly let me know this at quarter to five and we took his wet stuff off and wiped him up and he even came into our bed for 20 more minutes which was nice. He took a shower with Daddy and watched Bob the Builder. The whole time a massive storm was brewing. And when I say "massive" it was like the earth was sucking in black clouds and then threw up in the form of rain, wind, thunder and lightening.

The past two days we have been hit by massive storms creeping across the plains into Indiana with various warnings. Despite the drenching rains, the heat and humidity seem to be standing on their own through it all. Really the real issue in all of this for me other then being scared out of my bloody wits is the humidity and changes in the air pressure.

I was down right sick this morning after we dropped Matthew off. I had this huge hot flash that made me feel like I had the stomach flu... you know that 'I am going to throw up and have diarrhea all at once' feeling (TMI?). I became faint and thought I was going to need to drop my head between my knees (is that even possible at this stage in the game???) to stay conscious (I have had several dizzy spells as of late even though my blood pressure is in its normal low range and taking extra Iron to supplement the low Iron issues...) I seriously was close to gasping for air, the wet towel effect I have mentioned in the past. My body seemed to instantly swell up. This was all while I was sitting in our morning meeting with all of my colleagues... That would have been awesome to lose all my faculties and consciousness in front of everyone I work with.

Baby girl is now kicking and hiccuping away down there in her cozy little space. I am sticky now but not uncontrollably hot. I feel exhausted physically and mentally, as if just I got over the 24 hour flu all in a two hour time span. I am just trying to ignore the 10 day forecast which has our temps firmly planted in the low 90s and more storms on the horizon. Again I say it... this too shall pass, this too shall pass...

Up All Night

2008-06-03T08:25:00.006-04:00

Not really but it sure felt like it. First, the Mole started last night but it came on at 10:00pm EDT... Woe is me. I was also working while it was on so I did not get to sleep until around 11:30pm. Sleep being a relative term of course. I laid there. I was uncomfortable, I tossed, I turned, IT WAS HOT despite the air conditioning & no covers. I could not turn the old brain off but I was not really thinking about anything per say, the brain was just a humming along. Lo, around 12:40pm I must have dozed off because I was dreaming that some child was crying in my dream and saying "I wannnt wannnt my my my Dadddddddddeee" before I sprang (hahahaha) from my bed to see what was the matter. That was no dream, it was M. Sobbing, sitting up, asking for his Daddy. I gave him the song and dance about everything being a-okay. I had to pee. I said I would be back which only sat well with him for a nano-second. I used the bathroom listening to him whimper and went back.

I laid down with him and hugged him. I told him everything was okay. I am not sure he believed me. Also, I do not think he was fully awake but he had that look on his face of being scared out of his wits. It has been a long time since I have been up with M in the middle of the night and having not really slept that made the whole experience more surreal (AKA sucky...) He fell back to sleep and I must have dozed off with my head leaning into my hand??? I already have issues with random body parts falling asleep you know when I am like standing or sitting fully awake so that was not fun to wake up to 20 minutes later. I got up and fell into bed only to hear M wailing again 5 minutes later. I woke K up this time and made him go in, M was calling for Daddy after all. Things were all quiet until I heard M literally chirping like the birds outside our window at 5:00 AM. UGH.

M has also taken to throwing himself dramatically at me when I leave for work from Kel's house, sobbing and asking for 'one more kiss & hug, mommmeee', 'where is my Daddy?', 'don't go Mommy'... Very dramatic like. Can we say regress much? This too shall pass, this too shall pass...

As an aside, I had my first dream (that I could remember) two nights ago that Baby Princess Pancake was born and she was crawling and sitting up in my arms gazing into my eyes and it made me melt. She was beautiful! Clearly she was not a newborn in my dream and I did not recall the specifics of the birth which I suppose it a good thing. With just that one dream, I can over look all of the woes of pregnancy just to see those beautiful sweet eyes looking up at me in the near future!

Pizza, Love and Happiness

2008-06-02T09:30:00.014-04:00

What a lovely weekend! It was sunshine-y and warm. We spent time outside enjoying that A LOT. Matthew was in 7th heaven running around the yard, playing in his pool, and generally just enjoying the freedom that summer weather brings. We bought Subway, went to play at the park and had a little mock picnic after the park. We had friends over for a BBQ dinner/"play date". We took a few walks/bike rides. We watered plants and cleaned out the garage (AGAIN). We got rid of the monstrous entertainment center and replaced it with a smaller Crate and Barrel corner unit with wood tones that actually match the furniture we own! We figured out what furniture we need to replace the lost extra space the huge unit had (sofa table and some shelves.) I washed the "new" baby stuff we have received over the months. We hit up Target and spent TOO much money but I think I am almost done with baby planning stuff (check to size 1 diapers and pacifiers!)

I love a weekend that is full but not so full that I feel like I hardly enjoyed the weekend. That, to me, is a great weekend and that is what this one was!

*****
I did have some struggles. I keep getting these nasty headaches. I think they are pregnancy related. Either hormonal or how I sleep now or something. Thankfully Tylenol does the trick right away.

Mostly the sciatic type pain which comes and goes continues to really just bowl me over. On Saturday morning I was trying to complete my house cleaning to do list which I wrote about three weeks ago. I will do one little chore and be staggering about in this pathetic manner. Generally the pain & really more the frustration of not having the ability to, you know MOVE, puts me in a nasty mood. I know the back pain will not last forever and it is a really good reminder to just slow down a bit in all honesty.

However by Saturday early afternoon I was literally writhing around on my back (yes I said on my back, as in flat on my back and yes I know I am not supposed to lie FLAT on back but it felt SOOO good) trying to make the pain ago away. Miss Princess Pancake seems to think the very FAR left side of the uterus, in back, is the best spot for her to hang out so I attribute the pain to where she has found it most comfortable. Selfish fetus! (I kid!!!!)

The kicks she delivers these days are pretty intense. They are no longer the soft little sweet kicks of yore. Now they are long rolling foot stamping kicks that move across my belly like electricity. Between these kicks and the contractions, OY pregnancy is getting more and more intense. I do love to sit and watch the kicks because it is like she is dragging her little foot across my belly. It is amazing to almost see the full outline of her wee little foot!

*****
Matthew is obsessed with those temporary tattoos. Today he is wearing one from Pizza Express, a local pizza joint (yummers!) This tattoo advertises Pizza Express AND it has a little picture of a pizza, a peace sign and a happy face (pizza, peace and happiness - makes sense right?! Kooky hippies ;) OY. It is actually better then the original one he wanted which was a UPS tattoo. I did not read the directions and messed that one up... Oops.

I swear those temporary tattoos are crack laced. My kid has hardly gone without one for what seems like months. The last one that we finally washed off over the weekend I put on him in a fit of boredom one morning a few weekends ago. It was an anchor from his Pirate birthday party. After I put it on he was walking around flexing and saying "ARGGGGG".

Kevin used some spray on sunscreen over the weekend and that made it "fall off" (thankfully...) Matthew sobbed uncontrollably when he realized what had happened and me being me promised him a new one to get him to stop crying (Wha???) I thought he would forget but from Saturday evening until this morning he begged for a new one so I relented. I am now down to some Halloween tattoos that I refuse to even consider in June. Hopefully after this one comes off we can get him to move on to something new. Or maybe just a real tat? (ah I hope you know I am definitely kidding about that!?!?)

Pressure Cooker

2008-05-30T10:49:00.004-04:00

Our baby is due sometime in the next two months. Understandably I am feeling a slight amount of pressure (understatement) about one major thing: Finding a happy comfortable childcare situation for our newborn daughter by the fall. The first years of Matthew's little life all with reference to child care were stressful, scary and not fun.

I am fairly certain I ended some friendships based on the angry, disjointed feelings I had about being a working mom, about not having the luxury to leave my job or the support from my husband to leave my job.

Money sustains us as much as I do not want to believe this at times. I would love to spend my days playing with my boy, being the sole provider of discipline and love, learning and growth.

On the flip side, it is just not going to happen both because we need money to live our lives and because Kevin is just not down with me leaving my job. SO we are here. AND I am happy to be here.

Matthew spends his days at a place he loves with a person he loves and we love that. That is happiness for me with respect to child care. I could ask for nothing more. I have not felt so grounded and secure with Matthew's care since my maternity leave when I was the one doing it. The most interesting aspect of this all is that it shows. I was calmer, I was able to lose weight, I smiled more, I showed up happy most every day to work, I felt less down and out... It was seriously an amazing transformation for me to notice over the months since Matthew started at Kelly's.

Oddly enough three years ago as it is now, I also love my job. There is no other place like it. I get paid well, I work hard, and I feel I am likely a better mommy for working (as that is my case and not the case for others I understand this NOW.) Work is part of my family and we are treated as such. It is not just another job -- this is the job I will do until I decide to retire or the company ends.

However, the worst times I have were during those early months. I resented my job and being away from child not because I wanted it to be that way but because I felt so horribly uncomfortable with the people who were caring for him. Yet, I felt stuck. We were limited by money and so we chose the best things we felt we could do at those times even though they were not ideal for us.

With all of that said, Kevin and I have not done anything to find anyone to look after Baby Pancake yet. I am not sure why. Neither of us can really put our finger on the why of this. Perhaps, it has to do with the fact that we have done this three times before with Matthew and we both now it is a lot of work which neither of us have had much energy for lately.

For me, it has to do with the old feelings welling up inside me which are that I just want to stay home with my baby until she is old enough to go to school. To quit work and enjoy my kids. I long for that again when I thought I had left it behind. And I have in degrees. I mean I definitely will not whine near as much as I did and I am sure there will be tears when I leave my baby girl with someone those early first days but I also know I am stronger and better by working (for me.)

We are slowly beginning the process again. We are placing an ad in the local news and a couple of websites that offer us some exposure. We need to change our phone message to screen for people who might call. We are planning to sign up on a nanny site to see if we can find anyone that way. I am hopeful we will find the right thing for Baby Pancake right away. I am scared that we might not. But until we try we will not know. Mostly I am just trying to be hopeful, peaceful and strong about it all, I am trying to keep on smiling no matter what because in the end everything works out.

Forecast: Partly Sunny?

2008-05-29T10:11:00.006-04:00

I have this love-hate (for lack of a better word?) thing about pregnancy. I actually do not mind pregnancy for the most part. It is the end stages when you start getting kind of hinky about the whole deal. I think I am just on the fringe of that at the moment.

Things I Dislike About Pregnancy (right now):
* Hemorrhoids... 'nuff said
* Constipation... once again 'nuff said
* Weird pelvis stretching, breaking in half feeling
* THE *painful* WADDLE I currently have (sciatic pain?)
* Finding a comfortable position to sit, stand, sleep... ummm exist
* Finding the position and having it last longer then 5 minutes
* Clothing that I thought would fit throughout the whole pregnancy that suddenly do not
* Same idea - tight restrictive clothing that I wear because I am running out of options and do not want to buy more maternity wear
* Humidity is NOT my friend
* Swelling in ways and places I did not think possible
* Sweating. profusely. WHILE THE AIR CONDITIONING IS RUNNING. FULL BLAST. GAH!!!
* Being able to shave my legs not in that strange position I currently do it (ouch!)
* Weird blisters that show up on the pads of my feet no matter what type of shoes I am wearing, especially when it is hot.

Things That Are Lovely About Pregnancy:
* Being able to eat. And eat, and eat, and eat...
* Baby kicks even though they are more like full blown punches from the 4-ish lb fetus residing in my body at this time!
* Those crazy hormone induced dreams because they make me laugh most every morning
* Getting out of house chores (sort of!)
* Remembering that I have perfected the art of turning over in bed without harming myself or the baby!
* Enjoying each moment with my husband & son before that lovely baby arrives
* This cool spring we have had (knocking on wood, oh stay cool stay cool PLEAUUUSE stay cool!)
* Getting everything ready for the new addition - I like nesting. It is like a to do list that actually get done and I am feeling pretty happy about that!
* Long showers and baths - what a wonder those do for my aching body
* Virtually no acne this time!!! (knocking on wood AGAIN)
* Appointments with the midwife but more to the point hearing that heart beat and hearing from her that everything is going as it should
* Being ridiculously large but knowing at the end of the day I will have a lovely little creature to cuddle and hug

A Rose By Any Other Name...

2008-05-28T09:08:00.005-04:00

Not to be a tease or anything but we have finally come to a consensus on THE name for Princess Pancake. No, it is not Pancake.

And when I say 'we', I mean all three of us... well, I would say five because we even asked Santana and Lucy but you know they just have this sweet blank brown eyed stare however they did turn their little terrier heads to the side when we spoke with them so maybe that was a 'yes' from the dogs too?!

Matthew picked the name really. We gave him a choice of two that we liked and he picked this name.

When I say I am not trying to be a tease that means the name will be the ONE surprise about this baby. With Matthew, we left everyone in the dark from the name to the sex (including ourselves on the gender thing!)

I suppose part of the reason I do not want to tell the name has to do with the last time I shared names I had some negative feedback and I just want to avoid that entirely.

We like the name and that is really what is important, not that is overtly unusual or that ranks high or low in the Top 500 on the Social security list (it is in the Top 500... does that narrow it down for you???) and so forth... I am glad to have made a decision and if you ask Matthew he has no idea because we only asked him once and have not mentioned it since so he is fairly in the dark besides making the ultimate decision about a week ago.

The other reason I am holding back on sharing the name has to do with the fact I feel any name is subject to change (I am fickle like that ;) While Kevin denies this, we decided Matthew's name was going to be Ethan until about six weeks before he was born which would be about the time that I received the above mentioned negative feedback -- THAT SCARRED ME FOR LIFE --- er I mean when I freaked the f*** right out (seriously do not give negative feedback on potential baby names unless someone specifically asks you to do this and also not to a pregnant women in her 3rd trimester!)

So as we drove back from Indy back in 2005 from a trip to buy some much needed baby gear we decided on Matthew's name. That it would be Matthew and that he would have two middle names being his two grandpa's names. Randomly. In a fit of 'OMG our child shall be call Bull Schmidt the rest of his life' (sort of like Pancake only BULL SCHMIDT??!!? I mean come on that is JUST bad. It would totally land him in the Worst Names Ever book which by the way have you seen that book?? I have and it is sort of disturbing...)Also, I knew a girl named Cherry Pepsi and twin boys named Sunshine and Rainbow (this was NOT in California...)

I take this naming thing seriously. Names are important. They tell people who you are, a bit about yourself. I have been obsessed with names since I can remember, even as a kid. I liked to look up the origins of names and see how they could be spelled differently.

I went through a phase when I thought my name should be spelled with a 'Y' instead of an 'I' as in Chrystyna. Why? Because that is how the girl on Head of the Class spelled it. And I so wanted long red curly hair like her & to be THAT smart AND pretty. I am glad now that I am just Christina with regular old 'I's - I like my name and that is what is important! I hope this little girl grows up to like her name as much as I like mine!

Three Day Weekends EVERY WEEKEND!

2008-05-27T08:24:00.003-04:00

Wow, what a weekend! We did not do much which felt great, for me.

I have been experiencing terrible headaches almost every morning - I think this comes from sleeping in a funny position to compensate for the growing belly and this weekend was horrible for back pain. That whole sciatic nerve thing. I would do one little thing like bend over to clean a toilet and sure enough I was down for the count. I was stumbling around like Lurch from the Adam's Family. It would come and go which is a good thing but the day it hurt the least was Monday and that is because I sat, A LOT. I just refused to get up to do anything which sucks when your 3 year old is calling 'Mommy mommy come run with me." But whatever soon enough I will be able to run with my boy again and it will ALL good!

I needed to get some cleaning done. Our house is a mess. I have not cleaned since Matthew's birthday party weekend April 19th and things are getting out of control (no, no still no cleaning service hired as of yet...) I did get somethings done. Like clean our bathroom (mostly) and vacuumed (mostly.)

I also cleaned all of the baby gear. I was woefully remiss at how we tossed each item into our old and new garage after Matthew was done with it. Like the high chair for instance! At one point, we decided we were only going to have one child so as we finished with an item like the high chair we just stuck it in a pile in the garage. No pomp, no circumstance, no plastic bags, nothing. Just left it to the elements. Which in our old garage, GROOOOSSS. The highchair was not only buggy but also did we bother to clean it one last time before tossing it out there?! Umm, NO. Yeah nothing like cleaning two year old stuck on food. I also washed all of the covers to everything I could find from the car seat to the Jumparoo. We loaned a couple of things to another couple at one point and I realized how little care was taken of the items. I had to clean up crusted milk from another kid so that was kind UGH. Mostly things were just dusty and dirty.

Saturday, we were visited one of those huge all neighborhood garage sales. We bought a Little People train set for Matthew for a $1! It is regularly $15-17? And not one but two bouncers both of which cost me $15 bucks. I was planning to buy a fancy new bouncer with a name like MacLaren or Combi but then decided why spend $80 bucks on a bouncer when Matthew outgrew his after four months. SO now we have two - one for upstairs and one for down. I thinking about ONE more for outside and/or the bathroom so I can shower during those early months. Have I mentioned that garage sales rock for kid's stuff?!

Kevin did some more gardening and the yard is starting to shape up after two summers of intensive work! Our veggie garden is rocking and rollin' and we have already been enjoying yummy lettuce for the past few weeks! The blueberries look like they are going to turn BLUE in the next couple of weeks, there are some strawberries and tomatoes as well. As long as we can keep the bugs away it will be fun to enjoy those as they ripen.

The weather ended up being not so bad. No real rain, just gray skies but warm temps so we got out for some walks (we walked, Matthew biked), Matthew had some quality yard time in his pool & sandbox and generally we all just enjoyed the outdoors.

On Sunday, we had a little play date with our friends, Annie & Jason and their kiddos. The kids ran around and tired themselves out! Gotta LOVE that! We did our BBQ on Sunday as the threats of rain seemed inevitable for the next day. Turkey burgers, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob and fresh fruit!

We also tried this recipe from Chop, Stir, Mix and I would highly recommend it. We grilled the chicken which took like 10 minutes tops. I did make some minor changes to it - I used Newman's Own Marinara instead of tomato sauce and I did not have enough Oregano and no garlic powder so I used Italian seasoning and 1/2 tsp of Garlic salt instead. I also added some additional Parm on top after the sauce. It was declared delish by my husband AND the three year old!

Monday dawned bright and early - Matthew was up at 5:30a. YES, I said 5:30a. Oy, this child. Any who, it was a good thing. We went off to have a special Memorial day breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Yum (and neither of us had to cook or clean up!) Kevin and I got Matthew down for a nap and watched Bee Movie (it was ehhh...) and then took a TWO hour siesta ourselves. We were both pooped and needed it apparently. Then off to groceries which was actually fast and fun. Matthew is a great helper! I send he and Kevin off for an item and Matthew is so excited to bring back what he found - it keeps him busy and he runs like mad all over the store! Basically it just makes for good shopping all around.

SO overall nice weekend. I could do with a three day weekend every weekend but I guess we have to take what we can get! What did you all do?!?!?

Little White Lies

2008-05-22T14:10:00.004-04:00

SOOO I am on pregnancy (like on crack but pregnancy... ah yeah bad joke... sigh. I am tired and have a massive headache.) I was wrong OH SO wrong. I am only 30 weeks along. I do not know why I had 32 weeks stuck in my head. Like I am trying to rush this process?! I am not. Yeah so I am 30 weeks pregnant *for the record*. Me smart, can do math.

At the appointment this week nothing very exciting happened. The past few appointments I was lucky and had the 1st one of the day at 8:30a. This time it was at 9:00a and I did not see Liz until closer to 10:00a. At least she apologized.

Anyway, Pancake's heart rate is normally 130 during previous appointments but it was 160 this time - she was doing some wild acrobatics before, during and after the appointment.

I gained a few pounds which I am not surprised about. I have been eating nothing but sweets. I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies on Tuesday night and polished off a huge chunk of them as they came out of the oven & also ate these same cookies for lunch the next day, yumyumyum...

I am SO tired I want to cry. SO I have not been doing any kind of exercise the past two weeks. SO the weight gain it not a huge surprise.

I am measuring at 32 cm (I think that is right, I was reading upside with a headache!)(does that sound right??? OMG I am 30 weeks pregnant, not 32!), normal and shocking as this may be but my iron was low. I am taking the iron pills religiously along with my prenatals so it should be up in a reasonable range by the time I need it to be in the right range (whatever the hell that means...) Stinky anemia - the bane to my existence!

Otherwise, I waited an hour to spend approximately 2.5 minutes in the room with the midwife. I guess as far as pregnancy goes that is not a bad thing, right?! Next visit I get to see a real live certified M.D. - whoo hoo! I expect to wait even longer to see those hooligans... I remember these appointments from the 1st time - they were even faster then this past visit with Liz. When I saw Dr. Lisa and Dr. male physician whose name I can never remember I swear they were lubing up the Doppler as they walked into the room and they were talking before they even knocked!

The kooky part of seeing the docs is that after that I start my weekly appointments which means OMG I will be having a baby any. day. NOW!!! WEEE...

The folks from my work threw Kevin and I a little shower this week! It was so nice. I did not expect to get much stuff - I told my boss when she asked me about throwing a party that I would love to have a celebration but gifts were not necessary. Of course they did not listen. I failed to take many good photos but the food was fabulous with yummy homemade dips, salads, and catered wraps and mini sandwiches! Plus a home made "pancake dessert" and fun pancake making kits for everyone to take home.

They were wonderful and we got this jog stroller (sort of - I think we got the 2007 model?) and this bassinet from everyone in the office. There were also gifts from the ladies. Clothing, blankies, those cute Trumpet socks, a pair of socks that look like Pumas in pink, and assorted bibs and other items.

It was just a beautiful, sunny evening and it was nice to socialize with people I adore outside of our office! On top of that my boss has the most home in this beautiful park like setting which made the evening all that much more amazing!

A Room of Her Own

2008-05-20T21:54:00.011-04:00

We sort of went with a theme but not. I did the same with Matthew's room - I wanted to use some things I had in my room when I was a baby/little girl. I love the color! It makes me happy the same way walking in Matthew's room made me happy when he was a baby! The change table, rocking chair and crib were all in Matthew's room when he was a wee tot. Enjoy!

Pancake's Closet - well stocked thanks to the Myers!

The Crib area - the hanging birds we bought at Pottery Barn over the weekend and funky farm animals prints we got at Michael's. Those prints are a cow and duck - the only reason we decided on these prints - the colors matched, sort of.

More Crib shots - this photo has the best redition of the color on the walls

The rocking chair, change table and assorted pictures (you cannot really see them but we bought the little bird pictures at Pottery Barn over the weekend plus a Hummel print circa 1938 - I had it in my room when I was a little girl!)

We still need some shelves for the wall above the change table but we are mostly done. I will take more photos when we finally finish the room.

Photo Mish Mash

2008-05-20T20:35:00.011-04:00

I promised some photos so here they are in all their randomness.

M on his big boy bike!

Just because...

Frontal view - 30-ish weeks (and this shows what dorky faces I can truly make!)

Goofy Side view - 30-ish weeks
(Holy HUGE pregnant lady batman ;)

30 WEEKS and counting!

2008-05-20T09:21:00.005-04:00

THIRTY weeks. 30 weeks. WOW! How times flies!!! That is amazing to me. I have felt (I will regret writing this I am sure) pretty good the past few days. When I say that I have had some strong contractions especially yesterday. If I sat perfectly still the contractions would subside which is just dandy but that also meant I was planting my butt in my chair at work for nine hours straight without taking lunch, only to get up and take the well worn path from my desk to the kitchen for food which is a non stop feast in my case! This cannot be healthy.

Can it be that in 8-ISH short weeks I will be having a new baby to hold, love and cuddle?!?! AMAZING! I will post pregnancy photos of me from yesterday as well as shots of the Pancake's room tonight.

I have been trying to think and plan for what I will need for the hospital and after. I know I cannot think of everything but I would like to remember the things that were great to have that I did not know about the first time.

I was laughing heartily over the weekend at how wonderful Kevin was in those early days after Matthew arrived. He ran out and bought me Depends (birth is SO sexy...), monstrous pads and stool softener - that is TMI TOTALLY! Now that is LOVE. I have a list but I keep thinking of new things like those flat little cotton pads. Those are great for everything after a baby comes. Matthew had a rash early on and we would get those wet and use them as wipes rather then regular store bought wipes and the rash went away almost immediately! I definitely need more of those!

My office decided to throw us a shower which happens tomorrow then we will need to decide on what we really need beyond that. Three of the biggies are a bouncer, a couple of slings and a new baby monitor.

I have yet to commit to slings. I looked once and never did buy any. I need to unearth emails from Melissa about the ones she liked the most.

Additionally I am still grappling with whether I want to use cloth or disposable diapers. The same place I would like buy slings has the best selection of covers and diapers in town that I have ever seen which would make is easier to buy these things locally versus the first time when I would have had to buy most everything online. I am thinking we may try a combo thing.

Oh and ha we still need to do something about daycare for Pancake... Both Kevin and I keep putting it off which is just tragic.

Anything you can think of that I/we might need?

Deadpan Discipline

2008-05-19T13:50:00.004-04:00

I like it far more when my child makes me laugh then when he does not. Oh I know this is a novel concept. Like there are people out there who are saying "oh gee I love to discipline my child 24/7" but you never know. Maybe they come from a particularly militant family and discipline is a way of showing love, yada yada yada... I actually do think discipline is a form of love but okay whatever, no point here.

My son cracks me up. Seriously, this weekend Kevin was disciplining Matthew for what seemed the 50th time (Kevin he pulled out a 'Matthew you listen to your mother!' Heh!) My energy level is so low that I just say 'no' 20 times, sigh exasperatingly at him and let it go even though I know he did not learn a damn thing and I likely wasted my breath but hey, I said 'NO' at least. Come ON that counts for something, right!?

Last evening we were getting Matthew ready for bed and Kevin said he would not read Matthew a story if he did not come inside and Matthew chose to NOT come inside so Kevin had to physically pick up and bring him in. They were in the bathroom brushing teeth & putting pj's on. Kevin was basically giving Matthew the run down on why he needed to listen. I was standing the door way doing what I do best lately, watching and leaning my immense girth on the door frame (ahhhh...) Matthew looked at me in the mirror and started making faces at me and giggling uncontrollably. I was trying with all my might to be serious because Daddy was telling him serious stuff BUT for the life me I could NOT do it. I just laughed and had to hide my smile with my shoulders shaking. Matthew TOTALLY knew I was laughing and I knew he had entirely tuned his father's lecture out...

Wow, if that is not a parenting moment to be proud of I do not know what is?!!! Go Mom on being serious and backing up Dad on the rules. Whatever if you could have seen his little face you would have laughed too!

Five for Friday: Pregnancy Edition

2008-05-15T21:11:00.005-04:00

Five Pregnancy Questions:

Do you think one's bladder is really a good trampoline for a 3-4 lb fetus? OUCH.

How come I feel larger then a giant panda lumbering about but when I look in the mirror I am like HEY I am not THAT big!?

Very morning I am compelled to take a photo of my growing self and I forget... are they sure pregnant women only lose 15% of their memory? I feel sure someone is wrong here (come to think of it is, is it 15% or 50%?!)

How come I get the worst hang nails when I am pregnant (and only when I am pregnant)?

Why after 8 years together does my husband's driving still make me nervous and also slightly sick EVERY SINGLE TIME?

What Encyclopedia Brown Taught Me

2008-05-15T09:06:00.003-04:00

Did you ever read those Encyclopedia Brown books when you were growing up? I loved those books. It sent me a life long addiction to mystery novels, scary movies and television shows like CSI, Cold Case and many more shows too numerous to name here. I was thinking this morning as I hurried to get ready how life is sort of like an Encyclopedia Brown story. If you have never read these books, you would read a few pages then make a choice in order to solve the mystery de jour. Each choice lead you on a different sort of adventure and hopefully you would solve the case.

Randomly I started doing this for myself. Here some of things I thought of:

*What if my Oma did not leave her first husband in the US and return to The Netherlands to marry my Opa?

*How would my life look if my father never drank a moment in his life? If his father lived past the age of 40?

*How would life be if my parents decided two children was enough? (OMG NONE OF THE REST OF THIS WOULD FOLLOW!?!?!)

*What would life have been like had my parents decided to stay in Clifton Park NY versus moving us all to San Jose?

*What would have happened if my mom choose to keep me in Erickson (the public school I went to 1st through 3rd grade) versus sending me to St. Mary's (the Catholic school I hated attending but realized really changed my life in many ways MANY years after the fact)?

*What is I decided to ride horses rather then swim? Or quit both things all together?

*What if I chose to attend Presentation (all girl's private school in San Jose) versus Leland HS (the public school down the street from my house)?

*What would have happened if I chose not to drink that first time when I was 15 trying to be cool for older cute boys I was hanging out with at the time?

*How would my life have changed had I decided to stay in CA after my freshman year of college to attend San Jose State or Cal State Hayward rather then flying across the country to Northern Michigan University?

*What if I chose to go to Northern CO instead of NMU (I was THAT close to doing it...)?

*What is I had not met my friend, Michelle, my freshman year at Cal State Hayward? (She totally changed my life!)

*What if I did not take the chance to go to an after bar party with Christine that crazy night after the Shamrock?

*What if I decided to be unsocial and not go visit Annie when she became the assistant swim coach at NMU when I got back to NMU to do my Master's degree in 1997?

*What if I decided Jen was too young to hang out with? Or Betsy Kay who ultimately told me to leave the crappy BF and move on?

*What is I chose to stay home that fateful night taking antibiotics and being sick rather then go out and meet my future (drunk) husband at the Shamrock? (Betsy is also the reason I went out that night... she was VERY convincing!!)

*How would things have turned out if Kevin and I decided that Canada and the US did not mix? That we should not take a leap of faith and move into together when he played hockey in Indianapolis?

*What would have happened had I never interviewed and been rejected by the nice people at Indiana University Foundation? And in the same vein, what if the person I interviewed with at IU never passed my name along to Ann where I currently work?

*What if we never took Matthew to swim class at the YMCA?

There were more and this a lot. I am amazed by the amount of 'Y's' in life's road. We make choices every single day. Some seem so tiny, so small that I wonder how can that have changed the other choices or pathways. Others are huge. If I did not go to Northern I would have never met some great friends nor my future husband. Or would I have? I mean was it destiny to meet those people. Would the forces have come together in some other way that would have allowed me to know these people? If I never met Kevin would I have a little boy like Matthew but with someone else? Where would I live? What would I be doing?

I always think of that Seinfeld episode where there is alternate world with Jerry et al. How weird it was to see how they could be if they were nice and not so catty, vulgar and out there!

It is the what if's, the how could it be's, the hmm should I choose to do this today or not? I often say thank you or smile or say a kind word to someone without thinking but some times I will think about it after. How someone else's kind smile or warm greeting made me feel better. Looking back the reason I liked Encyclopedia Brown so much had to do with the fact that he taught me about choices even small ones can lead to solve the mystery or not.

I do like the idea that each choice I make has a ripple, an effect on the world around me and not because I think the world revolves around me but because it keeps me aware. It keeps me in the now, loving each moment, trying to understand how I can be a better person for the greater good of others. That is the adventure of life for me. This is where all those points above have lead me. There is no going back to change those things, just the amazement that some how they all worked out in the end!

Rock A Bye Matthew...

2008-05-14T09:43:00.004-04:00

I fell asleep last night at 20 minutes after 8. Even at my most exhausted moments, I do not fall sleep early. I just keep dragging myself from thing to thing that needs to be done. Last night, it just was not going to happen. It was like the 1st trimester all over again. I just laid my head on the pillows and was clicking between NCIS and American Idol and the next thing I knew I was greeted by people being berated on Hell's Kitchen and the bright dining room light shining in my eyes. It was 9:45p. I got up, stumbled to the kitchen, got a glass of water and got ready for bed. Kevin said Matthew was asking for me until after 9:00pm.

My son. Does anyone have any answer any longer about how to get a three year old to go to sleep in a timely manner??? We start his "bed time routine" about 7:15-7:30p every evening and seriously it is a hellish procedure from then until around 9:00-9:30p every night. We are convinced that the only reason he finally goes to sleep is that he is OMG actually tired and has just passed out.

He drives us batty through the process. He does not just play quietly in his room before going to sleep. No, no. He yells and cries. Whimpers and moans. He is a mad man. It is like bed time brings out the beastly beast in my son. For three years, we have been dealing with this and in ten-ish weeks or so, this process will seem even worse. I will not have the energy for a bit and my time will be taken up with - er - other things like providing nourishment to a newborn.

I have come to think of Matthew as one of those kids that is a bit of night owl BUT he is also a morning person. OMG, he is my dad...

Nothing works with him. We tried renaming bed time nap time because naps are such a breeze. You put him down for a nap and he kisses you sweetly and bang he is out. WHY OH WHY CAN THIS NOT BE OUR BED TIME ROUTINE? Not that I would want the nap thing to change to get his bed time down but still...

Really it comes down to feeling like a failure in this department. I was a huge wimp with him as a little guy. We gave into his whims because we wanted to hang with him. At one point when he was much younger he was staying up until 10-10:30p just because we did not say 'no'. We finally realized what a monster we were creating and OMG we were flipping tired it was mostly too late. I am grateful he goes in his room at around 8:30p & does not come out but even that makes me feel tired. I want to rest, decompress from work and life, watch the latest bad reality TV shows and maybe even go to sleep on time.

Random rant, I know but man I feel for Kevin who will have to take on this monstrous task in few short weeks because there will no longer be two sets of hands to deal with it.

On an unrelated note, we still have not come up with a baby name. We sort of think we know the middle name but only if it ends up going with the first name. Someone told me that the hospital will allow us to go three weeks without naming our baby. Do you think it will come to that???

Intestinal Fortitude

2008-05-13T08:44:00.004-04:00

I am grateful every day for the lives we have. I listened last evening as I prepared dinner to the reports coming from rural China about the destruction from the earthquake there. I could hear my son and husband giggling and chattering outside. Last week I watched the news reports of the destruction from the cyclone that they are suggesting killed over 100,000 people in a country where the government has hardly accepted any aid from the outside world. There are people sitting on hill tops surrounded by water waiting for help that the government seems to be denying. I watched my son happily enjoy his grilled chicken, potatoes and corn on the cob, that impish smile crossing his face as he told stories and jokes. Many of the dead are children. I cannot imagine my life without my son, my husband, my home so I am grateful today, and every day, for all that we have.

***
I cannot seem to kick this stomach flu or intestinal thing. I feel rotten at the moment but I cannot take any more time off of work. I need to stay put and work. This intestinal issue is taking a lot out of me as one can imagine and it seems to ebb and flow so just when I think HA I am feeling better bam I am sitting back in the bathroom wishing I could curl up into a ball shape on the floor. I have not been sick this much in all three years since having M and being introduced to "childhood" illnesses. I just want to be well from here on out until the baby comes. I want to get back to my workout routine and enjoying my time fully with M & K. I want to go back to sleeping half way decently.

I have to say I am glad that the weather has remained cool and crisp. I even welcome the rain. I know that the swelling will come soon enough as things heat up so I am just enjoying this time between the swelling.

I am perplexed. I thought I planned pretty well clothing wise but I am finding that shirts & pants I thought would fit the entire pregnancy are "coming up short". I am planning to buy some yoga type pants from Old Navy this week because they sound so comfy and my work place is very casual so I can get away with them. I also can wear them post pregnancy when I want to be comfy. I was going to buy some more shirts online but decided to just go to Target and get whatever they have. AND I need new bras STAT. I was fine with those until this week but things to be running over to say the least.

***
Baby Pancake is kicking right now. That rocks! I am looking forward to welcoming her into our lives!

This morning, as I sat with M before turning on his show of choice on we chatted. Mostly it is me talking and M sucking his thumb listening but I enjoy this time. The blinds have all been opened letting in that early morning light with no lights or TV. It is still peaceful and he is mellow. Some times we snuggle and other times he will actually chat with me. Most of time we just sit quietly.

I know these moments will not go away entirely once Pancake arrives but the time I have will be divided differently for a bit between nursing and tending to a newborn. I am trying to enjoy each moment I get with M now. I do not think those moments will go away but they will be different in a few months. I cherish the sound of his feet tromping about as I get ready for work and his giggle as he runs to give me a flower. I know things will change in the coming months in a good way but for now I am enjoying how our lives are today.

Weekend Be Gone

2008-05-12T10:11:00.004-04:00

The weekend is past and this is the 1st time in a long time where I was glad for that. SORRY, honesty can be a sucky thing, eh? Last week was long and difficult, mentally and physically. I am to the point for myself where I am just uncomfortable. My stomach seems to be squashed down to a pea size to the point where I have completely lost my appetite OR I have the stomach flu...

We had Zachary's viewing to attend on Friday and on Saturday they did a celebration of Zachary's life at his church. It was amazing, spiritual and touching. Again and again I was left saying what a guy, what an amazing family, life and wife he had in 26 short years. It was draining emotionally too.

Saturday was beautiful and sunny. I had the chance to run around doing 'errands' but also relaxing on my own for a few hours and it truly felt like those few hours were my Mother's day. Though I have to admit I ended up buying Matthew clothing and not getting myself anything! Gymboree sent their 30% off coupon so I took advantage of it and it was well worth it since I found stuff all on sale plus the 30% off!! Gotta love that!

Sunday dawned rainy and gray. No big deal, I am taking the cool rainy days for what they are - another day my limbs do not swell to Michelin man proportions! Kevin & Matthew brought home the usual Starbucks Sunday fare. But I have to back track, I woke up in the night SICK. Like bad. Like Matthew bad two weeks ago. I was wracked with stomach pain and well yeah THAT other stuff that goes with being sick to one's stomach.

Needless to say the ability to sleep till 7:00am was much appreciated. The day sort of fell apart beyond the Starbucks and cards from Kevin and Matthew which Matthew opened. I basically slumped around in my pjs feeling rotten, Matthew was cranky and Kevin kept disappearing (to do what I do not know!?) I wanted to go to Micheal's so we all went. We bought some prints for the baby's room but we left quickly as I started to get really yucky feeling again. By the time we got Matthew down for a nap, I was passing out. I slept for almost three hours in the afternoon and woke up feeling mildly better. Matthew woke up cranky and crying... I wanted to cry with him!

I so wanted to do something more, to enjoy the day more but it just did not happen. The thing I know from this weekend is that when I have expectations or hopes for something great it generally turns out to be different then I expected. Once I started to feel better, things brightened up.

The other thing I know is that I do not need one day to prove that I love being a mother, that I am honored to be a mother/wife and that life is good. I know that everyday I am blessed with/by my son, my husband, and this baby growing inside of me. I know that Mother's day is not just one day or weekend out of the year but many days that come together into years and that I am enjoying as much of it as I can even when I feel like I crap.

I found things to smile about yesterday beyond the pity party I had while in the bathroom! I got to sit and watch the gold finches and cardinals flit back and forth between the tress and feeders in our front yard. I had the chance to chat with my mom and my friend, Christine. I loved that Matthew snuggled up with me to watch Shrek for the first time. I had a great nap and even got to "sleep in" until 7:00am both days. I enjoyed reading the US Weekly my husband thoughtfully bought for me & watching the Survivor finale. Kevin took care of the laundry, the cooking, cleaning and groceries for me - and boy does that kick ass!!!

SO while this Mother's day was not 'all that', at the end of the day when I laid my head down and did what I do most nights which is to think about what I am grateful for I could not come with one single negative about the weekend that could trump how great it is to be a mother every day of the year!

Should I Buy A Lottery Ticket?

2008-05-09T12:11:00.004-04:00

Okay I see how this works... I wrote about the panic feeling and it went away. SO without further ado, wow wouldn't winning the lottery totally rock? I mean I can feel that it would be awesome and would be nice to hang out with my kids more.

Waiting, waiting... tapping finger. Hmm, I suppose one needs to enter the lottery to win, eh?

Yeah so there is that. No more panic and I am not feeling like my body is racked with pain, all over. I felt like ah one of those people with that disease the one where you get achy all over and the pain in unbelievable but the physicians cannot tell them why. Yeah that... SO it all seems to be gone. YEAH ME!

I am sure next week there will be some new and exciting thing to share with you but for now all is quiet with reference to pregnancy "issues" and me though I am beginning to see a pattern here. BTW, I thought it would be a good time to mention that I think the weather had something to do with how funk-did-e-lious my week was. I swear the minute the sun went away and the rain and storms started was when my body freaked out. Old wives tale? Maybe but I am living proof over here people!

Okay seriously last night I took my 1 lb weight loss as a cue to eat half a carton of Bryer's Oreo Ice Cream. It was good and I hardly had supper or in this case supper was ice cream. Which ever way you say it you have to say I was a winner!

Finally, I had a dream the other night that I was not going to share but then I shared on a comment with another blogger so I thought what the hell! Weee nothing like inappropriate information about one's dreams being send out on the Internet! Hey you already know Arnold the CA governator will be delivering my child in a few short week so why not this?! Let me preface this with I have never NEVER been to a strip club, I think they are ah kinda ooky, and I have no desire to go to one or to be a stripper but mostly WTF?

Two nights ago I had a dream that I was stripper. BUT not just any stripper. Get this, a pregnant stripper and Kevin was also a stripper which is just weird but during the dream neither of us was naked (THANK GAWD at least with reference to me). I was mortified that we were strippers and that was how we made our living but if we did not strip we would be poor. Also, Matthew was really embarrassed about this and would never let his friends come over because he was afraid they would find out but he was only three in the dream... Why are hormonal dreams do freaking ODD?!?!?

So on that note (did I just share this with people, like for real?!?!) Yes why yes I did... OMG going now.

UPDATED: This has nothing to do with nothing in this post but I thought it was interesting and wanted to share the info since our gas crept up to $3.83 last evening. It is something like 100+ tips on how to save gas. Some are really good and some are things I never thought of. BACK TO WORK I GO FOR REAL!

Doctors, nurses and scales - OHMY!

2008-05-08T12:47:00.012-04:00

Quick late in the day post. SO we finally made it to the Pediatrician for M's 3 year appt. Of course, we were late... which is totally my fault. Whatever.

M did not want to get on that scale. AT ALL. He said no and almost threw a fit right in the hallway of the abnormally quiet physician's office! The nurse and I tried everything to no avail. SO back to the room we went to talk about M. Type of milk, sleeping habits (bah), etc. The nurse then tried to coax him back on the scale. First M has his blood pressure checked. I cannot be sure if this was a ploy to get Matthew to trust her or if this is what they start doing at 3 years of age (let me know all you three year old mommas to be!) We finally got him on the scale after I got on it and we joked about putting his feet on the funny red feet like a puzzle.

Stats to date:
36 lbs (75-95th percentile)
39 inches (75-95th percentile)

The nurse checked his numbers on the big boy chart (SOB) but she also showed me that the percentile would be no different if they put it on the baby chart. Basically nothing has changed with M. He has always been in this same percentile since birth.

He got all checked out and even did a somersault for Dr. F when she checked his back. He giggled a lot when she checked his body out and he even told her knock knock jokes! We had to complete the little plastic wipe-y card thing which we completed entirely! That was kind of cool though I did not get his "score" on this I suspect that just means he is smart as any three year old should be. I think his favorite part was jumping over the chart both ways. He thought that was pretty nifty! SO that was that.

He got his sticker and even said THANK YOU without being prompted! He also entertained the staff by telling them loudly that we were now going to Starbucks for a hot chocolate. The new mommy with the tiny baby sitting on the bench behind us said "Oh you have him trained well!" I agree (see The 'OG' post from yesterday!)

Now I am stuffing my face full of food. I had my glucose test this morning after the 3 yr appt. The test itself is not bothersome it is the NOT eating thing that almost drove me over the edge. I could feel my patience running low, I had to bite my lip twice once at Liz for being SO slow in getting into the room to see me for all of 39 seconds and for the scheduling lady who was chattering on the phone. I had to eat M's leftover Goldfish for fear I would swoon (ohhh the DRAMA) right there reading Redbook! They finally let me escape at 12:10p. I have been eating like a hog in heaven the past couple of weeks and the scale was SO kind to me this morning. It basically stayed the same from the last visit! That was pretty nifty! The bebe's heart rate was 130 which is also the same SO that was about it. Oh, the tech who took my blood told me I have beautiful veins. Well at least something on me looks beautiful!!!

Phwwww, do you feel better for knowing all of this?!?! OH AND they finally confirmed that indeed I am off to the races with visits every two weeks.

Now if only someone could explain why I keep having mini panic attacks, that would be lovely... Oy. I define a panic attack as I cannot breath and I feel like someone has put one of those stupid O2 masks over my mouth (oh how I hate thee claustrophobia mask from hell!) UGH. I am trying trying trying to breath and I do not feel like I am "in a panic" but apparently some part of my wee brain is feeling panic and letting me know this. Well back to the noshing I go...

A night out at 'The OG'

2008-05-07T09:39:00.004-04:00

Can I just start by reminding you LIKE you might need reminding that I am pregnant? Matthew's 3 year appt is TOMORROW. BUT at least I reminded you all to make your appointments - just be sure to write down the right date on the calendar especially if you keep more then ONE calendar. SO tomorrow I have 3 year appt at 8:30a and glucose testing at 11:00a. Gawrsh (I seriously fell back in love with Goofy after our Disney adventure earlier this year), aren't I living on the edge these days?!

SO I found some charged rechargeable batteries and looked at the photos on the camera. Kevin took this camera with him to his sister's graduation and seriously there were like 65 photos and I would say maybe 10 were good shots. The rest were of the podium before the graduation started and also of his sister's puppy and cat's noses. I wondered how on earth the lens of the gazillion dollar camera got all smeared and smudged and I totally had to wipe it with a bit of wet cloth. I am not sure if this right or not but I did it. At least now I know why it looked like crap! I swear Kevin is like a 3 year old with a camera... maybe worse!

Last evening I was swollen and tired. I made Kevin touch my calf on the way to pick Matthew up from Kelly's and he recoiled his hand like he had touched a deadly snake. 'Oh Gross.' Gee, thanks lovey. I know I am not at the pinnacle of sexiness or anything but ah you may want to temper the reaction a bit. In all seriousness it was kind of gross. My calves were rock hard and not in the physically fit sort of way. It was just yucky.

When we got to Kelly's house, Matthew was right fired up to go out to eat. 'Mommy can we eat out? At a restaurant. PLUESSSE' I consented. The thought of making dinner and standing and generally being creative in the kitchen made me feel a little out of sorts. SO off we went to Olive Garden (by Matthew's request though not his initial request - he wanted to eat at Cracker Barrel which made feel worse then thinking about cooking a meal at home!)

I believe we should buy stock in the 'OG' and Starbucks because this where we spend a majority of our time when we go out anywhere. Matthew is totally programmed. He could do a commercial easily without even having to learn lines. He even asked for some hot chocolate from Starbucks after we finished eating.

At the OG, we got our seats and did the whole evacuate the table three times to go potty. Finally we were settled. Matthew just loves this place. He loves the crayons and he now orders his own drinks & food. "Water and milk, please" grinning at the pretty waitress.

She came to take our order and before we could even start Matthew piped up. "I would like chicken, broccoli, bread sticks and soup, PLuuuse!" Again that flirty little smile. The young waitress smiled at him, I do not think she expected an answer to her next question but she went along with it. "What kind of soup do you want?" Matthew looked right into her eyes and said "Minestrone, pluuuse." She about fell over laughing. She said 'OMG that is a kid who knows what he wants. I have never heard a kid that young know the soups, etc... so well.' I just grinned stupidly and after she walked away I mumbled if only you knew how many times we have eaten here in Matthew's three short years of life!

Needless to say Matthew hardly ate a bit (of course...) but he sure had fun ordering it. And being silly the whole time we were there. He enjoyed his mint with letters on it at the end the most. I used to think eating out with kids would be torture but I seriously LOVE it. Matthew totally gets a kick out of it and I guess we eat out infrequently enough that he is fairly well behaved. Any rate, I have no idea how to wrap this post up so BYE!

Hey, Did you know I am ah... HAVING A BABY!??!

2008-05-06T11:16:00.004-04:00

What a day it is out there today! It is sun-shiny and full of hope. I like that about today.

I voted for the 1st time in a primary (not the first time ever mind you - I just have never voted in a primary, ever.) It will be interesting to see the results this evening and my gawd please end the commercials. I do not remember this many commercials since Prop 13 in CA years ago!

We bought Matthew a big boy bike over the weekend! We returned it for the even bigger boy bike last evening. He is IN LOVE with his new bike and beamed proudly over it. "Mommy come see my new big boy bike that we bought at the big store, Wal-mart." Kevin & I had to fight laughing at this statement. He nearly took his first header off the bike on short walk last evening but thanks to Daddy's quick hands he did not. Thank goodness for helmets and also how did we survive without them?!?! I will post a photo as soon as I find some charged rechargeable batteries for the camera.

Massive contractions have been rocking my world the past two days. Say what you will about these supposed Braxton Hicks contractions - these feel like full blown I cannot breath, move or even moan for fear the pain will not go away contractions. Yesterday for a full hour I had them. SO much fun! I ate some Reese's Peanut Butter cups to make me feel better ;) Also some Oreo ice cream. Mostly it was just yummy to eat that stuff & did not help with the pain. This is a new experience for me. With Matthew I never had any contractions until I was induced basically. OMG and they were exhausting to top it off - like I was not tired to begin with! OY.

Kevin said to me "...in eleven weeks when the baby comes..." I think I threw up a little in my mouth. No no Pancake is not due until the END of July that is... I started to count on my fingers, struggled to get up, waddled over to the calendar & finally turned around, very pale. HOLY CRAP. A BABY in 11 weeks! ACK. Okay not really. I mean I am nervous for life to change but mostly I am excited. We have the "nursery" ready for the most part. A few little touches need to be added. We do still need a few key items but those will come. What we need the most is a new monitor and I still have yet to buy any slings like I had planned to do.

I have been enjoying the quiet time I have with Matthew while it lasts - reading books, playing with his train & Bob the builder stuff and "mowing the yard". I am infinitely glad for this time with him. I am loving the weather right now too. I know - come July just ask me what I think about the sunshine & heat! For the most part, I am ready. I feel like this pregnancy has gone by in a whirl. I know it is not like I am going to give birth tomorrow but wow it is getting down to the home stretch. AND that is really cool!

PS: Matthew will have his 3 yr check up tomorrow. What is that you say? Oh why yes his birthday was on April 19th and I was a semi responsible parent and scheduled the appointment for three days after his birthday TWO months before the birthday but then they canceled the appointment, like that doctor needs a vacation or something!??! And the earliest I could him in was May 7 so look forward to an exciting update on Matthew's stats tomorrow!

Ends & Legacies

2008-05-05T08:34:00.003-04:00

Last evening at 6:33pm, Zachary passed away.

My heart breaks for his family & his young wife, for Zachary. For the amazing life he has lead in 26 years and the one that could have been. He was an amazing human being (as if I have not said this enough and I mean it...) There are many reasons I think this of a young person I hardly know.

It starts with Ann, his step mother, and Michael, his father. They gave me chance four years ago to start in a job I never thought I would find. They weathered through my childishness and helped me to grow up, become a stronger person, a good business woman and truly allowed me to be financially independent in a way I never in my life could have hoped for or imagined.

In the midst of my 1st turbulent year on this job I remember Ann sitting me down and basically telling me to get over my bad self. That holy crap little girl do you know, do have any clue what real life is? do you know what it is to worry about your spouse's recurring and worsening cancer (Kathy, a co-worker - her husband has cancer as well) or your son being away in Iraq and how there is fear for his life every single moment of every day that goes by. It felt like someone shook me awake from a long sleep at that moment. I felt like someone slapped me (but in a good way.) I looked around with new eyes. At people. I started to loss that sense of 'I am SO wrapped up in myself' and started to feel again for others.

Zach's story unfolded for me. I finally met him when he was on a brief leave. I was pregnant. I was almost shy to meet Zach because he really was the reason I opened my eyes, stopped my whining, started working harder. He had no idea of that. He was on leave and had to return to Iraq to finish is tour. To see his parents and siblings beam over him was amazing but more then that the beaming they did was for good reason. He really was all of things that they said he was. That part was amazing. T his young 24 year man seemed so much more mature then I was at the time... I read the Zachary updates which Ann would faithfully send out everyone who knew and cared. I watched the news to make sure that anything happening in Iraq was far from Mosul where Zach was stationed.

Then he came home. He was in love. I remember Ann telling me about this tiny little girl who served beside him in Mosul. That they fell in love on the desert. We all went to lunch with Zach and he told us stories of his experiences in Iraq and meeting another person from Indiana, falling in love and making it work even in tight and dangerous quarters. He was deeply religious as was his soon to be wife. They bonded over that and their common background. He had this lovely Southern Indiana twang that none of his siblings have, just Zachary. He had a smile that was infectious and shy all at once. He liked country music (I have a soft spot for country music, shhh don't tell anyone...it has helped me through some rough times.)

Zachary got married. He started to look for a career. He worked at Harley Davidson for a while. He was good with cars and the mechanics of them but found that it was not the right place for him. He tried his hand as a truck driver which was tedious and kept him away from his new wife. If you met this guy he so would not fit the Harley/Truck driver type AT ALL! So he started looking for a new career. He came to help out at our office. He and I talked about how he was hoping to pass the state police tests. He already discovered that he had a painful tumor in his shoulder and been diagnosed with two kinds of Cancer. This boy was tough. He was always smiling every time you saw him. And it was not just Zachary but Ann, Michael, Samson, Mary-Ellen and Michael Jr. They all kept their heads up and a ready smile despite the unfolding of his story, his struggle with a cancer that as they were told from the start might be fatal. Dara, his wife of barely a year, stayed by his side, left her job, took care of his life all in three short years of meeting, falling in love, & marrying.

He was funny, silly and sweet. Ann & Michael have created for me, my husband, our son a family that we never thought we would find living here in B-town. They have provided us with a financial stability and an atmosphere that allows us to be with our son, close to our son when we need to be, no questions asked. Beyond that the entire May/St John family has become an integral part of my extended family.

Without having known Zachary even briefly I would not be grateful for every moment I have for myself, with my husband and most especially with my baby. I feel honored to know this family, who held up in such a way that it makes me question how I would be if I were put through the same situation for two years. I am honored to have known Zachary. I hope that like many I will take that little part of Zachary into the world and do good with it, in his honor. That I will teach my son to be as honorable, thankful and charming as Zachary was in life. That is the legacy I hope to share by knowing Zachary in life and in his death...

A 3rd Birthday: Pirates & Princess

2008-05-03T21:40:00.010-04:00

Birthday Shots! Yes, his birthday was like two weeks ago... I admit I stink with uploading photos and then using them but ah here and ENJOY!?!?

Just like every year I am like 'huh, why didn't we take this or that photo' and I was pretty bummed by the pictures that were taken yet again this year. Mainly that there were hardly any of Matthew and most were of him looking down or away. BUT I know that is not a huge deal. He had a blast, we had a great time and hopefully all of our friends had fun as well!! As you can see from the last shot which was after everyone went home Matthew was still having a ball hours later! The theme was pirates and princesses! It was the first time in the WHOLE three years (because Kevin and I kept saying has it only been three years since he was born and what the heck did we do exactly with ourselves prior to Matthew coming into our world!?) that we had to keep the party indoors as it was cool and damp outside. This did not dampen the spirit of the event and as Nicki said 'it is like the kick off to the birthday season!' HAPPY BELATED 3rd BIRTHDAY, peanut!

The 3rd Annual Birthday at the Zoo

2008-05-03T21:26:00.010-04:00

There photos are from our 3rd annual trip to the zoo for Matthew's birthday the day before his birthday (April 18th.) The penguin shot - omg those two penguins cracked me up. I swear it was like a Soprano's scene and the hairy one was the head mafia dude! The lion sat up and looked around right when we walked up. This was the most amazing day at the zoo we have ever had. All the animals were up and running and amazing to watch. The giraffes were running, one elephant gave this amazing show in the water giving herself a bath and shot water up in the air, and the lion was actually up and looking right at my camera! Unfortunately as always we took lots of animal shots but not many of us and Matthew. Also, K's mom was there and there are more shots of her and Matthew then the three of us. As usual I forgot to ask her to take a shot of the three (four!) of us. SO BUMMED ABOUT THIS.

Pre-Birthday Photos!

2008-05-03T21:12:00.006-04:00

After Matthew's 1st birthday we started opening his presents from us the day before his birthday because it was too hectic to open our presents and party presents at the same time. Here are some pre-birthday present opening photos! There are from April 18th... I am SO on top of things :)

Grab Bag of Moments

2008-05-02T09:26:00.004-04:00

I promise to be positive and happy today. No more death. No more tears. Well maybe a few tears but not from me and not in a tear jerker sort of way.

Matthew had impetigo which was "downgraded" (hardy har har) to a stomach virus coupled with his proclivity to get cold sores. He has the, ah, well he is not feeling well and he is not throwing up so you can draw your own conclusions. Needless to say that while he may not be vomiting what is coming out is just as messy, smelly and yucky as throw up... Oh the fun we have in our Technicolored world! The worst incident was during nap when he was rudely torn from his sleep because of this issue. He sobbed and threw a fit. He did not want to get in tub and be washed. I had to force him in there, scrub him down, dry him off and give him to Daddy to console while I "swabbed the decks". And do 40 loads of laundry. Poor kid.

We feel horrible for him and he is being very patient with the issue. He says 'OH my tummy hurts' and then you run with him to the toilet. AND he has not complained that he has had to essentially revert to a diapered state by wearing pull ups 24/7. His lips with the nasty sores are looking 100 million times better so that is lovely. Mostly it is the whiny voice that drives Kevin & I up the wall. I am amazed at the level he can get his voice to. The bright side is that I know once he is feeling better the whiny voice mostly goes with the sickness.

*****
When we went to the outlet mall a couple of weeks ago I was amazed by something. Well three somethings. First, Matthew's shoe size is a freaking 9-1/2. I crapped my pants. I mean seriously... I remember back in the day like what seems like last month when I was buying size 4 and 5!?!?? EKK. Second, Matthew is wearing 5T clothing in somethings. I am still trying to schmuck him in 3T stuff that ran big but man it looks funny on him. Just too small. 4T and 5T - again when the heck did that happen?!?! OH and he is flippin' 38 pounds even with the stomach virus! Finally, as I was wandering the Carter's store it dawned on me that in a year or two I would no longer be going there for Matthew's clothes. They only go to 6 or 7 in some cases but mostly they do have not have much in that regard. Same goes for Gymboree which I was also shopping in this past weekend. No more kiddie stores when it come to Matthew!?

This seems shocking to me in the sense that I seriously stopped growing in 5th grade. I have a hand print I did at camp in 5th grade and my hand is still the same size. I had to shop at and wear Stride Rite shoes until 8th grade. I managed to eek out an extra 1/2 size from 5 to 5-1/2 finally. I literally wore Keds until 10-11th grade for the most part because they were the only shoes that fit. I swear he will be wearing bigger shoes then me by the time he hits 1st grade! Which is totally cool and amazing and crap he is such a big boy is what I am trying to say. I cannot even say MY TODDLER any more because he is not, has not been for a long time. He is a little big boy and that is great and scary all at once!

*****
Okay if you do not live in my town, we had the biggest crash of thunder at some point after 4am last night that I think Kevin likely still has nail marks in his arm! I thought about checking to see if our fence was still there! LOUD. And Matthew slept through it!? BUT he will wake up if the truck starts up next door...

Finally, I am on my own this weekend with Matthew. Kevin is going away to see his sister graduate (FINALLY) with one of 10 degrees. She still has no job but hey she is super dooper well educated and could do anything that is required of someone with 2 (3?) advanced degrees that are very narrow and specific in scope.

I am just glad to be staying home. Flying at this stage of the pregnancy seems like a horrible idea more because good lord I so do not want to fit my butt into that seat. But really I had a bad day yesterday. I was uncomfortable all over, could hardly walk, headachy, my skin hurt for goodness sake and I just wanted to sleep. I feel much better today but boy yesterday was rough. Staying home even with a not so well child seems like a better option any day then flying to MN.

Though I was so fired up for a co-worker's Derby party tomorrow but it looks like it may not happen with Matthew being sick. We shall see... Anyway this is long winded as usual. Have a lovely weekend - stay healthy!

A Million Little Pieces

2008-05-01T09:09:00.004-04:00

I cried yesterday. All the way home. And today to be honest. Our boss, their entire family was in Omaha for a week. Zachary was near death but then seemingly a miracle. It seemed he turned another corner. They were taking him off the respirator and he was breathing on his own by bits. He was heavily sedated so almost coma like but it seemed like things were getting better. The family has returned home over the past two days because they felt like he was going to be okay, for now. They were not going to need to say good bye this week. Ann came in yesterday and called a meeting. She had us forward our phones and end our day early. This has never happened. This was not right. We received this email from her this morning:

"Yesterday Zachary was tested for 7 skin irritations that he had on his skin. When Dr. Vose reported them today she said that he had a fungus in his blood that will travel to all of his organs.

It is fatal. They do not expect him to live to the end of May.

They are doing everything possible to make him comfortable. He is still unconscious and will likely remain in that state."

If my heart was hurting about this person before it is now broken into a million little pieces. This boy who rode his bike from Indiana to NYC to help with the clean up efforts after 9-11. Who was compelled by what he saw in NYC to join the army and go to Iraq for a painstaking year and a half. Who survived these things and came out with a new better understanding of the world. Who found the love of his life on the deserts of Iraq and married her. Who was vivacious and strong, handsome and kind who will have his life end because of a fungus... to his blood... at the age of 27.

I cannot help but pull Matthew to me, to hug him and know life is dear and precious. To enjoy each moment with Matthew because you just never know. You never suspect what could be awaiting you or your child's fate around the corner. Zachary and his zest for life even in the face of all that he has endured the past few years has in all seriousness lifted me up. Humbled me. Made me remember that my minor aches and troubles are small in comparison to the things other people have to do and live with. That I am strong and can do what I want when I put my mind to it. He probably has no idea he did this for me. That he was a constant reminder to me to shut up about the small things that seemed so big because my goodness there were others out there having it so much harder then I have ever had in my life. I will never forget this person who did not know he made that difference in my life. That is why I cry for him, for his family, for his young wife and all that she has endured during her 1st 2 years of marriage.

Ann wrote this as well from a David Grey song:
'Now the flood gates cannot hold
all my sorrow all my rage
tear drops fall from every page.
Meet me on the other side.'

A Moment of Clarity

2008-04-30T09:56:00.005-04:00

His eyes welled up. He looked at me with such sadness and despair. He has squashed bugs & seen dried up dead worms before, even an old dried up dead mouse left over from the winter months. Why just last evening he smooshed a spider with his own index finger and said "I smooshed the spider, Mommy" and went on playing like it was nothing.

But this was different. This was something he could recognize, he saw with his own two eyes and could conceptualize. It was not old and dried up. It was a little mouse, no longer alive but still oddly like he was alive, just not moving.

Who did it? Likely the dogs who have been hunting whatever lives in our yard with such intensity that I have seen drool fall from Lucy's jowls as she stood staring intently at one spot in the corner of the yard.

He ran in the house as I was making dinner. "Mommy, Daddy said he said we... quick! we need a bag. A plastic bag, quick. A mouse, he is not alive and Daddy needs a bag." The color in his cheeks was high. He had a little trowel because he was helping Daddy garden. He looks slightly scared and little unsure what the uproar was about but he knew something was wrong.

I grabbed two plastic Kroger bags and came with him. I told him that it was all right, gently rubbing his back. I said "take a deep breath". Kevin came up with the little black mouse. Indeed it was dead. We carefully placed the mouse in the bag and then a second bag. Matthew watched with round eyes. Looking at us with deep concern.

He said "Mommy, what happened? Why the mouse dead?" I looked at Kevin then back to Matthew.

Kevin said "we do not know what happened. The mouse just died."

Matthew sank down to his knees. His eyes still round, still staring at the bags. I slide down next to him. Pulled him to me, onto my lap hoping I could take away that sting, that moment of complete understanding. Matthew looked hard at the bags I had pushed off to the side.

Santana came sniffing along to see what was wrong. "Mommy... will Santana die?" "Yes. One day he will."
"Mommy, will... will I die?" His eyes welled up. "Will you die and daddy?"
"Yes darling one day we all will die. We will go up to heaven and see God." He buried his head in my shoulder. Very quiet.

Kevin said "But you know Matthew heaven is a good place for the mouse. Heaven has lots of cheese and other little mice to play with..." Matthew looked up. Still a little sad but seeming to feel better.

At three, it was the moment. A moment of understanding. It was like a door opening onto his soul through which I could see clearly into his eyes that he understood death, understood that going away and never coming back is inevitable for all of us. Then he moved on.

No mention of it since that day even when he asked me about the dead dried up worm last evening. "Mommy look at the dead dried up worm." I braced myself half expecting more questions but he just wanted to share the piece of information, an observation, like a little scientist. That was it.

I am left still trying to swallow the lump that formed at that moment when he looked at me with tear swollen eyes because one day he will know and actually care a lot more then he does today. And it is such a sad and difficult life lesson to learn. I guess better that we are the ones to teach him about death then someone else but still...

A Pancake, a Peanut and Me

2008-04-28T19:54:00.001-04:00

28(ish) weeks!