I will be honest here... I have not been very excited to write on my blog. Partly because I have felt pretty horrid the past ten days on many levels. And partly because I have been having a pity party just for me lately. I have been struggling with many "issues". Many of them revolve around Matthew and motherhood and working. This is not a new topic. It is also not a topic I wish to harp on or subject any of you to very often but it is MY reality.
And if it is okay, I am going to be honest here - it is made harder by the fact that so many of you are not working moms in the traditional working mom sense or not working at all. I used to feel like I had a circle of working moms to talk with but now I feel sort of removed from the lives of those around me. I feel lonely and frustrated and tired often because of my loneliness and frustration. I am not saying I do not love those around me for their choices I am just saying I do not have people to talk to (AKA bitch to) about being a working mother. I find this just as isolating as the thought of being a stay at home mother.
Really the honest part of all this is not so much that I feel isolated or frustrated - I am just dang tired of thinking about all of it. I wish I would just turn off the ole brain and be done with it all. Kevin and I were discussing things late last night and he said to me 'it is like you have two stories' and that is frustrating to him. The truth is I do have two stories. I love my job - it is the happiest I have ever been in my adult life in a work place. I cannot imagine leaving my job and the money is amazing. If I quit my job, we would be broke. Kevin said it best the other day - If I stayed home we would have to sell our house. Period. End of story. I do not want that. I do not want to be poor, I do not want to leave my house and I love my job.
On the other hand, I love my son beyond words - I choke up just thinking about him. I cry often thinking about the time I spend away from him. I want to be the one to form his mind and develop his personality beyond just a few hours most days. I sob every time I leave him (on the inside, hardly ever on the outside any more...) I hate that strangers have to tell me about my son's daily experiences - that he is charming and sweet and tells other kids to put their feet off the table because even though he does that himself at home, he knows that he should not and will tell you so. I grow in enraged at that poor little boy who feels the need to assault my son at school leaving him with gouges in sweet little cheeks and I worry about how that will make him feel down the road - how that will effect him. I often feel at a lose for time and I hate that.
I also dislike my drama about the whole deal. Life is what it is and the grass is always greener on the other side. I am happy in so many ways and I CHERISH every single moment I have with my son beyond words. I cannot imagine a better child and all that he is to me. I know that down the road it will all be okay and I just need to keep reminding myself of that. That I am okay with what I have decided to do and that we always working to improve his situation.
I am so excited for him to start a new child care situation with Kelly. I know that he will be a happier person as will I. I know that a "stranger" won't be telling me about my son any more - that it will be someone I think the world of and who is my friend. I know that I will keep working and even when we decide to have a second baby, it will be on my time and that it will be the right time for us and that we will survive child care the second time around as well. That it will all be good and I will not need to leave my job because it is good for us at the end of the day. I just need to keep reminding myself that I am often stronger then I think I am and that I do have support. That I am not alone and that no matter what another person's situation is their situation is not better or worse then mine, it is just different.
PS: Please feel free to remind me of this post if I ever get back to the Pity Party - table for one/Christina being her inner Drama Queen self. Ha and on that note please remind me of the 590380658230 posts I have written about getting back on track to lose weight, get in shape and eat right... 'Cause yeah I SO have not done that yet either!