Or is that braking? Well, I have to say that I love to blog. I love to write. I love to post my children's accomplishments and I love to read about your lives but recently I have felt a lack of desire to write here or anywhere. I have had this issue for years. Some of it does have to do with being down about things and I tend to hide out or make myself scarce when I am feeling blue or down right depressed. I am not blue or down right depressed at the moment - mostly just blah.
At the moment, I feel I need to prioritize my life better. I am suddenly going to be THIRTY FIVE in ONE month and it seems like I am still dealing with feelings I had when was in my teens and early 20s. I am tired of feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts. I cannot write about them freely here and that frustrates me in a way I cannot explain. I likely will turn to a more private journal for myself to work through things.
I am not saying I will never write here again or post photos but I think it is time for me to take a break from the bloggity blog world. My family is a priority and in a few weeks my job will be right there taking precedence next to my family. It is important to me to feel like I am being successful at both in a good way! I only have a certain amount of time to enjoy my family and K & I have certain goals regarding our jobs that make it that much more important to me.
For a long while I have felt terrible that I let my physical body, my friendships, and my mental space lapse so badly. I cannot allow my family and job to get jumbled like those things have.
I want you all to know that my friends are very important to me but unfortunately as much as I wish I could change the past few years I have often let friendships take a back seat to family and work. I have spent a lot time missing my son during the 40+ hours I spend at work. So I race home to see him and now my daughter will be in the mix they need me and I want to be with them. They are NUMBER 1 no matter what is happening with me and my life. I cannot keep up blogging when it comes to work since that is when I most often read and write blogs. Blogging was taking up a significant amount of time at work throughout pregnancy and that needs to stop when I go back to work. I am nursing so exhaustion is a factor and I will not give up nursing because I love it. My job needs me. My husband needs me obviously. I can only handle so much emotionally. That is also something I have learned about post partum life for me.
I am terrible with the phone and email. Please do not take this personally. If you do, TELL ME. I hate that. Not knowing when something is wrong - I am pretty horrid with confrontation but in a weird way I also prefer it. I think it makes friendships stronger and better if talking out issues is done in a good way ;).
Thank you for being supportive of me here on this blog and always in my life :)
PS: I hope this makes sense. I feel like I am making no sense as of late...
Monday, October 6, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Giggles Rock
Miss Pancake just had her first social giggle with me today 10-03 at 1:42pm and it was totally completely lovely and awesome to hear!! YAY!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Nananana BATMAN!
Party Hats Rock!
M & Miss Pancake say "PARTY ON PEOPLE!"
Miss Pancake - all 14 lbs of her...
Batman
BATMAN RETURNS!
AGGGGGGG A dinosaur (check out the slippers - yes those are dinosaur feet. They make me laugh every time he puts them on!)
My babies and their blankets
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Baby Fat
I took Miss Pancake to the doctor today just to be safe. We had to see the NP which does not thrill me because just about every time we see her we end up back there three days later with something she missed. The NP said there is nothing wrong with her. To treat her eye like it is contagious (bahahaha) but that it supposedly looks fine (just like the last three ear infections M had that she missed...) Some how her words STILL made me feel better even though I do not trust her.
The crazy thing was Miss Pancake's weight: 14 lbs 6 oz. O. M. G.
The crazy thing was Miss Pancake's weight: 14 lbs 6 oz. O. M. G.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Happenings
Dudes, I did it: 139 baby. And not like 139.8 but 139.2. I am starving 24/7 right now but I am thrilled to be in the 130s. Even if it is at the top of the 130s! Rock on.
Miss Pancake seems to have something going on with her. She has a gooey eye and has been super fussy and unhappy the past day or two. It is hard to say if this is just normal 2 month old stuff or that she has something more going on. I am hoping for the normal 2 month stuff. We shall see tomorrow.
My dog. Ugh my dog. Santana - the first and forgotten baby. He is sick too. They thought it was a bladder infection but after a full round of antibiotics he is still peeing all over our house and it is YUCK bloody pee. I feel rotten for the little guy and yet the vet bill was close to $200 two weeks ago. GAH.
The market is insane and scary and holy hell how did we get here as a nation. I saw a bumper sticker today that made me smile. It said 1.20.09. I had to get super close to the poor car in front of me to read below that number. It said "Bush's last day in office." Now I can only pray that politically speaking we pick the right people to take care of the mess we are currently in. sigh.
I am reading a book called Milk Memos. At first it made me look forward to going back to work in some ways. Then this evening for no reason as I was nursing Miss Pancake and reading the book I started to cry my eyes out. It made me realize returning to work will be no easier this time.
I am tired and going to bed now but I must upload the photos of M tomorrow. They are from the trial run of his costume and these crazy new slippers we bought for him.
Miss Pancake seems to have something going on with her. She has a gooey eye and has been super fussy and unhappy the past day or two. It is hard to say if this is just normal 2 month old stuff or that she has something more going on. I am hoping for the normal 2 month stuff. We shall see tomorrow.
My dog. Ugh my dog. Santana - the first and forgotten baby. He is sick too. They thought it was a bladder infection but after a full round of antibiotics he is still peeing all over our house and it is YUCK bloody pee. I feel rotten for the little guy and yet the vet bill was close to $200 two weeks ago. GAH.
The market is insane and scary and holy hell how did we get here as a nation. I saw a bumper sticker today that made me smile. It said 1.20.09. I had to get super close to the poor car in front of me to read below that number. It said "Bush's last day in office." Now I can only pray that politically speaking we pick the right people to take care of the mess we are currently in. sigh.
I am reading a book called Milk Memos. At first it made me look forward to going back to work in some ways. Then this evening for no reason as I was nursing Miss Pancake and reading the book I started to cry my eyes out. It made me realize returning to work will be no easier this time.
I am tired and going to bed now but I must upload the photos of M tomorrow. They are from the trial run of his costume and these crazy new slippers we bought for him.
Friday, September 26, 2008
A Whole Lot of Nothing
I have had a lot to say but not a lot of time to write. This week was sort of sucky but in a good way... is that possible? Yeah well that is what it was. Nothing out right bad happened. Mostly it was just a long tiresome week. I think a big part of this had to with the in laws leaving. Their visit went well. Mostly because they totally held Miss Pancake and played with Matthew 24/7. I managed to accomplish absolutely nothing when they were here of course. Like work, umm I have not done a lick of work in four weeks. I am struggling with this but hopefully once the nanny starts working part time next week I can get back on track. I am still trying to slog my way through thank you cards for gifts and meals that people gave us for Miss Pancake's birth and the birth announcements have gone out to all US residents but the Canadians... well thankfully the in laws came because they still would not have received their announcement.
I really need to figure out what clothes I can wear. I walked into Kroger yesterday wearing a billowy maternity shirt and pants and I was like CRAP I look like crap, officially. It has been 8 weeks and I have lost 30 lbs so I think I should be able to find some shirts to fit me that do not show off the 20 lbs I still have to lose and yet are not the shirt I was wearing because it was the only thing that barely fit me when I was 9 months preggo, right!? We are going to the outlets tomorrow morning... I have high hopes to get some clothing for me. We shall see. On a related random note - K and I both started working out again. However the stressful week made us cave and run to Kroger for ice cream. THE GUILT... See I have a lot to say but nothing important. Annoying. Here are some new things:
M is totally into super heroes and we play super hero games incessantly. He is going to be Batman for Halloween. He also tried to talk me into letting him wear his batman shirt two days in a row. Alright, I already let my kid dress himself which makes his look like I do not care what he is wearing (for the record I do but I cannot stop him from choosing the bright green athletic shorts and the light blue surfer shirt on top with the orange crocs and red Canada hat, kay?! That is all HIM and omg he is SO a product of his father ;)
M is getting this reading thing. He digs it. He is actually getting good at it. Most of it is memorization. He has memorized several books, he likes us to change the words in the books so he can tell us the right words and he has been getting the whole phonics thing. He is super curious about sounding things out - he will say c, c, c-at. I place this solidly on Word World and Super Why. These two shows kick ass.
M is randomly into Fireman Sam. A really bad Scottish (???) show. I hate it personally but he likes it and wants to play fireman all the time now.
Miss Pancake has bad gas. From me. Talk about parental gas. I know woe is me too much milk and a let down that could shoot a can off a fence but it really does suck. Yes, my kids gain weight easily and I could likely nurse 4 kids at once as well as nurse for five years and never see a difference in my milk production but have you ever dealt with a baby who had gas issues brought on by you? She sobs (REAL TEARS NOW TOO), kicks, bleats, hits (unintentionally of course) and this is all day these days. Gas relief stuff which worked fairly well with her brother does not seem to make a difference for her. I am going to start to pump this weekend. I am hopeful that taking a bottle will help her. I know M stopped having so many issues with gas after around 6 months but really he had these problems until we really started any solid around 8 months. SO I have lots to look forward to in the coming months.
In the same vein, I found some great articles/web sites about over producing milk that helped me to feel like less of freak then I did with Matthew. I felt terrible complaining to anyone about my milk supply because I know a lot of people struggle with even being able to breast feed. For the record, I am less frustrated this time. Because I knew how it was going to be for me. I hoped that Miss Pancake would deal better with it then M did and it seemed like things were going well until last week when she started struggling A LOT.
Since I bitched a bit here are some random photos to go along with my random thoughts:
Sibling Love
M and his favorite things: television, Bluesie (the dog doll) and his blanket
Smiles
More smiles for the camera
This could either be titled "Santana protecting Miss Pancake" OR "HEY I USED to be your favorite, what the HELL happened?"
I really need to figure out what clothes I can wear. I walked into Kroger yesterday wearing a billowy maternity shirt and pants and I was like CRAP I look like crap, officially. It has been 8 weeks and I have lost 30 lbs so I think I should be able to find some shirts to fit me that do not show off the 20 lbs I still have to lose and yet are not the shirt I was wearing because it was the only thing that barely fit me when I was 9 months preggo, right!? We are going to the outlets tomorrow morning... I have high hopes to get some clothing for me. We shall see. On a related random note - K and I both started working out again. However the stressful week made us cave and run to Kroger for ice cream. THE GUILT... See I have a lot to say but nothing important. Annoying. Here are some new things:
M is totally into super heroes and we play super hero games incessantly. He is going to be Batman for Halloween. He also tried to talk me into letting him wear his batman shirt two days in a row. Alright, I already let my kid dress himself which makes his look like I do not care what he is wearing (for the record I do but I cannot stop him from choosing the bright green athletic shorts and the light blue surfer shirt on top with the orange crocs and red Canada hat, kay?! That is all HIM and omg he is SO a product of his father ;)
M is getting this reading thing. He digs it. He is actually getting good at it. Most of it is memorization. He has memorized several books, he likes us to change the words in the books so he can tell us the right words and he has been getting the whole phonics thing. He is super curious about sounding things out - he will say c, c, c-at. I place this solidly on Word World and Super Why. These two shows kick ass.
M is randomly into Fireman Sam. A really bad Scottish (???) show. I hate it personally but he likes it and wants to play fireman all the time now.
Miss Pancake has bad gas. From me. Talk about parental gas. I know woe is me too much milk and a let down that could shoot a can off a fence but it really does suck. Yes, my kids gain weight easily and I could likely nurse 4 kids at once as well as nurse for five years and never see a difference in my milk production but have you ever dealt with a baby who had gas issues brought on by you? She sobs (REAL TEARS NOW TOO), kicks, bleats, hits (unintentionally of course) and this is all day these days. Gas relief stuff which worked fairly well with her brother does not seem to make a difference for her. I am going to start to pump this weekend. I am hopeful that taking a bottle will help her. I know M stopped having so many issues with gas after around 6 months but really he had these problems until we really started any solid around 8 months. SO I have lots to look forward to in the coming months.
In the same vein, I found some great articles/web sites about over producing milk that helped me to feel like less of freak then I did with Matthew. I felt terrible complaining to anyone about my milk supply because I know a lot of people struggle with even being able to breast feed. For the record, I am less frustrated this time. Because I knew how it was going to be for me. I hoped that Miss Pancake would deal better with it then M did and it seemed like things were going well until last week when she started struggling A LOT.
Since I bitched a bit here are some random photos to go along with my random thoughts:
Sibling Love
M and his favorite things: television, Bluesie (the dog doll) and his blanket
Smiles
More smiles for the camera
This could either be titled "Santana protecting Miss Pancake" OR "HEY I USED to be your favorite, what the HELL happened?"
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Reflections of my Mom
You sit before me in your little swing, sleeping. Your little mouth twisted up in a bow. Your hands relaxed. A little yellow fleece ducky sleeper warming your body. You are sweet, calm. You are beautiful.
Week 8, I wonder about this. Has time really slipped by this quickly. It never did with your brother it seemed the seconds and minutes seemed to stretch an hour out forever but I was a different person, in a different space, a different time in my life.
I am loving each moment with you from the sweet coos to the night time nursing. Even being so tired feels less painful. Not that I did not cherish any of this any less then I did with M. I am just more calm today about it all. And yet I cannot change the fact that time is speeding by for you and me and M and K. We have all changed so much in these first seven weeks of your life. I wonder about time and space and how quickly it all passes us by. If I do not stop and grab some moments they will be gone. Replaced by different and more exciting moments but never the same as now with my sweet little baby girl.
My mom told me recently that she was always wishing for peace and quiet when we were kids growing up. This was not meant in malice, I know this. She came to this country lonely and remains lonely in many ways to this day, by her own doing but still... at 68 that must be a regretful feeling. I understand what she means more and more as I grow older. Our relationship has always been strained and frustrating for me. Filled with unsaid things and memories that are mine and hers yet so different. There has been anger and even hatred on my part toward her and my family in the past. But I have come to peace with stuff. I choose just not to make it important any more.
Many of the fears I had swirling about M over the past weeks had to do with my fear that I was like my mom. My only example. And yet why? She was a good mom in many ways. Toward the end of my childhood when I think she wished for that peace and senerity from the children she was not a good mom in many ways but it was a hard time - our family slowly disintegrating because of depression and alcoholism in equal parts. She did her best with what she had.
She stayed home with three children, a house wife and mother. She had a high school education and no job. She stood up for us and tried her best. She loved us even with her strange ways of showing love. I ask her questions with this baby and let her in our world more and more. I do not fear the repercussions like I used to, of saying the wrong thing to her, to hurt her feelings. I know today at nearly 35 that what she did, leaving her family, her country, her language behind to live in this country was hard and scary and difficult. That she raised three children while her husband traveled the globe making nuclear plants a reality for countries that were once struggling small developing countries and are now super powers or at war or communist empires while my mom did the more difficult task of taking care of kids, a home, making a comfortable life for us as best she could with the limited tools in her tool box. I respect my mother more today then I ever have in the past.
At 35, I can finally see her for who she was back then learning a foreign language, living in a foreign land, making friends out of nothing and raising babies with little help from her spouse. The days that are chaos in my own house I think of her and her wish for peace and quiet. She said that she cannot believe she ever wished for that, she said 'look what I got? Peace and quiet and now I just wish for all the wild loud noise and mess and kids again.' You are starting your 8th week and I promise to never wish for peace and quiet, I promise to cherish the noise and craziness because one day in the not to distant future I may one day have all the peace and quiet I ever wanted and I do not think it is worth it.
Week 8, I wonder about this. Has time really slipped by this quickly. It never did with your brother it seemed the seconds and minutes seemed to stretch an hour out forever but I was a different person, in a different space, a different time in my life.
I am loving each moment with you from the sweet coos to the night time nursing. Even being so tired feels less painful. Not that I did not cherish any of this any less then I did with M. I am just more calm today about it all. And yet I cannot change the fact that time is speeding by for you and me and M and K. We have all changed so much in these first seven weeks of your life. I wonder about time and space and how quickly it all passes us by. If I do not stop and grab some moments they will be gone. Replaced by different and more exciting moments but never the same as now with my sweet little baby girl.
My mom told me recently that she was always wishing for peace and quiet when we were kids growing up. This was not meant in malice, I know this. She came to this country lonely and remains lonely in many ways to this day, by her own doing but still... at 68 that must be a regretful feeling. I understand what she means more and more as I grow older. Our relationship has always been strained and frustrating for me. Filled with unsaid things and memories that are mine and hers yet so different. There has been anger and even hatred on my part toward her and my family in the past. But I have come to peace with stuff. I choose just not to make it important any more.
Many of the fears I had swirling about M over the past weeks had to do with my fear that I was like my mom. My only example. And yet why? She was a good mom in many ways. Toward the end of my childhood when I think she wished for that peace and senerity from the children she was not a good mom in many ways but it was a hard time - our family slowly disintegrating because of depression and alcoholism in equal parts. She did her best with what she had.
She stayed home with three children, a house wife and mother. She had a high school education and no job. She stood up for us and tried her best. She loved us even with her strange ways of showing love. I ask her questions with this baby and let her in our world more and more. I do not fear the repercussions like I used to, of saying the wrong thing to her, to hurt her feelings. I know today at nearly 35 that what she did, leaving her family, her country, her language behind to live in this country was hard and scary and difficult. That she raised three children while her husband traveled the globe making nuclear plants a reality for countries that were once struggling small developing countries and are now super powers or at war or communist empires while my mom did the more difficult task of taking care of kids, a home, making a comfortable life for us as best she could with the limited tools in her tool box. I respect my mother more today then I ever have in the past.
At 35, I can finally see her for who she was back then learning a foreign language, living in a foreign land, making friends out of nothing and raising babies with little help from her spouse. The days that are chaos in my own house I think of her and her wish for peace and quiet. She said that she cannot believe she ever wished for that, she said 'look what I got? Peace and quiet and now I just wish for all the wild loud noise and mess and kids again.' You are starting your 8th week and I promise to never wish for peace and quiet, I promise to cherish the noise and craziness because one day in the not to distant future I may one day have all the peace and quiet I ever wanted and I do not think it is worth it.
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