Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The End

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
That is kind of personal.  I will say yes, I was teenager, maybe 16?  I have had depression as long as I can remember.  My early memories of being depressed are very vivid.  I remember feeling this heavy weight settling and feeling listless and lost and angry.  Very very angry.  Hateful and dangerous.  I remember not wanting to get up, out of bed, not wanting to get up from the television and as I got older and the depression was deeper, I would eat anything and everything in sight.  And I would read and/or watch TV and if I could not leave the house.  No one ever stopped me from this.  My mother was far to wrapped up in her life and her drama in SF anyway.  I hated myself all the time, depressed or not.  I thought about taking pills but I settled for a knife.  I remember sitting on that couch with the knife at my wrist, the knife was pointed in the right direction to prove deadly.  I sat like that for a long time before I got up, crying, put the knife away and went on living.  Albeit a very destructive life but I do not know.  I never tried this again.  I never thought about dying like that again.  I have no idea why I stopped or what made me change my mind now but I just know I decided that was a bad idea.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Have the baby, take care of the baby, raise the baby and love that baby.  What else is there to do at this juncture in my life?!

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Oy.  So much, so little time.  I hope to change being fear. I hope to change my short temper.  I hope to change trusting people so quickly then ending up hurting and blaming myself for this destructive relationship behavior.  I hope to live in the now and let go of the past and the future.  I hope to change my social awkwardness and embrace the happy me around me people.  I hope to change how I can put my foot in my mouth at times making for socially ACK-ward moments.  Why?  Because this is what I hope to change about myself.  All are good things to hope for when it comes to change.  Hope is part of what makes us humans, right?

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Dear Me,

I love me.  I love the inner child me that felt hurt and angry and suffering.  I love my laughter and how if I can just let go, how much I can laugh and have fun and not be so serious.  I love that my self talk has changed this past year.  That I am working hard on this.  That never let myself get beat down, that I have changed how I deal with being depressed. 

I love reading and writing and photography and music.  I love my children, that having kids has been like wearing my heart outside my chest all the time.  I love my pride in my children.  I love K.  I love how happy I feel because I am making that choice every day.  I love my cozy bed and my happy home.  I love that we are close to paying off one part of our mortgage and we can actually see the end of the road on the other mortgage.  I never would have thought that possible years ago. 

I love my job, my co workers and my cubby (even though I have to move in a few weeks.)  I love that I accept my body now.  I accept the roundness of my belly and my bum and my shortness all things that just are what they are.  I love that I am good natured and trusting and that while people take advantage of that or use it against me that is okay.  I love that like to learn.   I love to travel.

I have finally fully learned to embrace the beauty of nature.  It is breathtaking and amazing.  It takes my breath away.  Now I get my Mom and how she used to try to point it out to me.  My teenage self hated this about her but now I get it.  Natural beauty makes my heart stop.  I love to see what is on the inside of me, that deep down, I can accomplish all that I have ever dreamed of accomplishing just my letting go of some of the old stuff that still lives inside of me.  I love seeing all of the new things the world has to offer.  I find myself enjoying finally the fact that I am good at certain things and not at other things and that is okay. 

I love that I waited to get married, I waited to find something who compliments and (cheesily) completes me.  I am glad that I waited to have kids.  I love that tomorrow I turn 37 and NOT 27.  I love who I have become and who I am becoming. 

I feel lucky and blessed and truly the roads that led me to this day and this point my life are amazing, flawed and painful, beautiful and heartbreaking, but I am hear to say it.

Love, ME

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