Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The End

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
That is kind of personal.  I will say yes, I was teenager, maybe 16?  I have had depression as long as I can remember.  My early memories of being depressed are very vivid.  I remember feeling this heavy weight settling and feeling listless and lost and angry.  Very very angry.  Hateful and dangerous.  I remember not wanting to get up, out of bed, not wanting to get up from the television and as I got older and the depression was deeper, I would eat anything and everything in sight.  And I would read and/or watch TV and if I could not leave the house.  No one ever stopped me from this.  My mother was far to wrapped up in her life and her drama in SF anyway.  I hated myself all the time, depressed or not.  I thought about taking pills but I settled for a knife.  I remember sitting on that couch with the knife at my wrist, the knife was pointed in the right direction to prove deadly.  I sat like that for a long time before I got up, crying, put the knife away and went on living.  Albeit a very destructive life but I do not know.  I never tried this again.  I never thought about dying like that again.  I have no idea why I stopped or what made me change my mind now but I just know I decided that was a bad idea.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Have the baby, take care of the baby, raise the baby and love that baby.  What else is there to do at this juncture in my life?!

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Oy.  So much, so little time.  I hope to change being fear. I hope to change my short temper.  I hope to change trusting people so quickly then ending up hurting and blaming myself for this destructive relationship behavior.  I hope to live in the now and let go of the past and the future.  I hope to change my social awkwardness and embrace the happy me around me people.  I hope to change how I can put my foot in my mouth at times making for socially ACK-ward moments.  Why?  Because this is what I hope to change about myself.  All are good things to hope for when it comes to change.  Hope is part of what makes us humans, right?

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Dear Me,

I love me.  I love the inner child me that felt hurt and angry and suffering.  I love my laughter and how if I can just let go, how much I can laugh and have fun and not be so serious.  I love that my self talk has changed this past year.  That I am working hard on this.  That never let myself get beat down, that I have changed how I deal with being depressed. 

I love reading and writing and photography and music.  I love my children, that having kids has been like wearing my heart outside my chest all the time.  I love my pride in my children.  I love K.  I love how happy I feel because I am making that choice every day.  I love my cozy bed and my happy home.  I love that we are close to paying off one part of our mortgage and we can actually see the end of the road on the other mortgage.  I never would have thought that possible years ago. 

I love my job, my co workers and my cubby (even though I have to move in a few weeks.)  I love that I accept my body now.  I accept the roundness of my belly and my bum and my shortness all things that just are what they are.  I love that I am good natured and trusting and that while people take advantage of that or use it against me that is okay.  I love that like to learn.   I love to travel.

I have finally fully learned to embrace the beauty of nature.  It is breathtaking and amazing.  It takes my breath away.  Now I get my Mom and how she used to try to point it out to me.  My teenage self hated this about her but now I get it.  Natural beauty makes my heart stop.  I love to see what is on the inside of me, that deep down, I can accomplish all that I have ever dreamed of accomplishing just my letting go of some of the old stuff that still lives inside of me.  I love seeing all of the new things the world has to offer.  I find myself enjoying finally the fact that I am good at certain things and not at other things and that is okay. 

I love that I waited to get married, I waited to find something who compliments and (cheesily) completes me.  I am glad that I waited to have kids.  I love that tomorrow I turn 37 and NOT 27.  I love who I have become and who I am becoming. 

I feel lucky and blessed and truly the roads that led me to this day and this point my life are amazing, flawed and painful, beautiful and heartbreaking, but I am hear to say it.

Love, ME

Sunday, November 7, 2010

And that is that...

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two get into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Hug her, apologize, find a way to help make it better, remember to be humble about life and all the gifts that it gives us.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Drank too much on many occasions and really there is just that one time that haunts my dreams and will probably never leave me no matter how much I try to let it go.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Travelled more to the places I want to go and see, lived in another country, and seen the world through young eyes before I had children.

Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
(Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Not sure I quite have the time and energy for this one.
Maybe another day.

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
That day a car very nearly hit me on my street where I was riding my bike.  I just went back up onto the side walk.  I was maybe nine or ten.  This was on Tatra Drive.  The man was drunk and for some reason he ended up in our neighborhood which to this day makes me wonder how or why but he did.  Our neighborhood that lead to nothing and was not connected to anything and was essentially a giant tract neighborhood like they all were in San Jose back in the day.  Three streets and a loop.  He drove down our street going maybe 50 MPH and ran his car head long into a large tree on the corner of Tatra Court.  He swerved barely missing me.  I swear to you can still feel the sweep of that car and see the look in his eyes.  I remember my heart pounding and pulse racing and knowing full well that I had just escaped death.  I never told anyone about this, ever.  Not even my parents.  I just sat on my bike and watched the ambulance come and the police and all the neighbors come out and now I think that somehow that drunk driver would come to define my life, my near brush with death.  That I had to follow a strange road that involved drugs and alcohol and a bad relationship to see how lucky I was to still be alive because I escaped that one drunk driver in the middle of the day on our quiet little street in San Jose CA.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Days of Truth

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I could definitely without a doubt live without drama.  BOO drama BOO. 

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Stones From The River: I used to fully believe that all Germans were Nazis when Hitler was in charge.  That they all just drank the kool aide and followed him into a hellish evil existence.  This book taught me that no stoopid that is not true. Most Germans did not believe nor accept Nazi Germany nor did they want Hitler as their leader but he became so powerful so fast and would kill or harm anyone who dared to say he was not a good leader/person that many of the German people had no choice but to live with him, live in fear of him and forever be marked by him.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I feel people who are loving and committed and want to show it should be able to irregardless of sexual orientation.  There is no where in the bible or religious doctrine that says it should not be so and dude you can point to whatever passage that is that says (oh and I am paraphrasing here) marriage between a man and a woman in a union BS and I will say ANYTHING can be interpreted the way you want it to be.  Think AMENDMENTS.  When our forefathers said right to bear arms, they were not thinking AKA 47s and UZIs to gun done thine neighbor...
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Huh.  Well, I think we all have the right to believe in who or what we want to.  We should never be extreme in our beliefs.  We should always be open to learn more and change our beliefs.  We should try to understand other religions/politics and learn from them rather then fight about them.   I believe that most religions and politics have some innate problems namely that humans have twisted and turned things to suit their needs with little regard for the initial intent.  I feel like when I am in nature, in my natural life, being present, living in the now, I experience the most grace, the extreme beauty this world has to offer and that mother nature is really the only deity in this world that we can rely on without question and yes, even in her most destructive, intense moments.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
In moderation, I feel like alcohol is fine for me.  With that said, I think there is complete loss of control in our society over both.  It is madness.  Both do more harm then good always.  I live in fear of what genetics will bring to my kids given the addictions that are very present on both sides of our family.  I know that rather then fear I need to teach tolerance and moderation and being smart and living clean and so I do.



Back to your regularly scheduled life. :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Nine Hundo

With that last post, between this blog and the other blog I pushed over 900 posts.

FUCKING fantastic.  Either a fantastic waste of time OR a well documented wonder!


Falling Behind

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
That I do not know. I hardly pay attention to compliments if I get them.  I think I only tend to look at the bad things...

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
A list that never ends.  Honestly I am so not aware of this... I mean sure I can think of things I would never compliment myself on like oh I do not know my sparkling happy personality?   My ability to be an outstanding friend.  My foul mouth?  HA I actually could move that one of to compliments I receive the most.  Many people are amazed (appalled) by my foul mouth.  One person said you look so sweet and yet you have a mouth that is worse then a truck driver.  Fabulous...

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Dave Matthews Band.
Dear Dave et al,

I love you guys.  You have helped me through light happy moments and deep dark moments.  I can remember playing songs over and over while driving and crying and I never felt alone with you all playing away in the car with me.  I fell for you the moment I heard you from a friend when I lived in Milwaukee in 1996.  I wanted to see you in concert at Summerfest but had no money. Do you even play venues like that any more?  Oh well.   You are my strength.  I love to hear my kids signing words to your songs and I love your songs most of which still resonate with me to this day.

You guys rock.  Keep on keeping!

Love, me

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Errr, is it weird to not have a hero per say?  I guess my dad and he let me down when I was younger but I have learned so much from that both good and bad.  I have no desire to write a letter to him about this.  He was my hero.  I worshipped him as a kid/teen/young adult (I count young adulthood as going into my mid 20s, FYI.)  I wanted to much to be like him and lord knows I tried and failed which is very likely a good thing.  If I had kept it up, I would likely not be here to write this today given the lifestyle I was leading. SO that is that...

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Weird.  Food.  Yes, my fucked up relationship with food.  I battle it daily.  I battle it hourly some times.

Kevin.  We lived apart for the better part of the first year of our relationship.  We knew we were meant to be together when it felt all wrong to be like that.  Ten years later I am glad we made the decision to stay together.  Cheesy but he truly completes me!

Monday, October 6, 2008


Or is that braking? Well, I have to say that I love to blog. I love to write. I love to post my children's accomplishments and I love to read about your lives but recently I have felt a lack of desire to write here or anywhere. I have had this issue for years. Some of it does have to do with being down about things and I tend to hide out or make myself scarce when I am feeling blue or down right depressed. I am not blue or down right depressed at the moment - mostly just blah.

At the moment, I feel I need to prioritize my life better. I am suddenly going to be THIRTY FIVE in ONE month and it seems like I am still dealing with feelings I had when was in my teens and early 20s. I am tired of feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts. I cannot write about them freely here and that frustrates me in a way I cannot explain. I likely will turn to a more private journal for myself to work through things.

I am not saying I will never write here again or post photos but I think it is time for me to take a break from the bloggity blog world. My family is a priority and in a few weeks my job will be right there taking precedence next to my family. It is important to me to feel like I am being successful at both in a good way! I only have a certain amount of time to enjoy my family and K & I have certain goals regarding our jobs that make it that much more important to me.

For a long while I have felt terrible that I let my physical body, my friendships, and my mental space lapse so badly. I cannot allow my family and job to get jumbled like those things have.

I want you all to know that my friends are very important to me but unfortunately as much as I wish I could change the past few years I have often let friendships take a back seat to family and work. I have spent a lot time missing my son during the 40+ hours I spend at work. So I race home to see him and now my daughter will be in the mix they need me and I want to be with them. They are NUMBER 1 no matter what is happening with me and my life. I cannot keep up blogging when it comes to work since that is when I most often read and write blogs. Blogging was taking up a significant amount of time at work throughout pregnancy and that needs to stop when I go back to work. I am nursing so exhaustion is a factor and I will not give up nursing because I love it. My job needs me. My husband needs me obviously. I can only handle so much emotionally. That is also something I have learned about post partum life for me.

I am terrible with the phone and email. Please do not take this personally. If you do, TELL ME. I hate that. Not knowing when something is wrong - I am pretty horrid with confrontation but in a weird way I also prefer it. I think it makes friendships stronger and better if talking out issues is done in a good way ;).

Thank you for being supportive of me here on this blog and always in my life :)

PS: I hope this makes sense. I feel like I am making no sense as of late...