Photo Life

Familiar refrain: "Digger Mommy Digger"


Oh Baby - Num...


And she is thinking "Num num mmmm ah FINNNNGER sooooo SOOTHING"


Family Movie Night and Popcorn = A happy quiet three year old!


Daddy and baby sleeping on couch


Me and my babies (and my freaking cleavage - why YES that is a maternity shirt, wanna make something out of it?!?!?!) I kid, sort of.


Bubble over M's head would likely read "I think Coach Lindsey is trying to make me look foolish. Hmm everyone else is doing it so I gueeees it is okay."


My pathetic attempt at "professional" looking photos...


WHY CAN'T I MASTER THE STUPID CAMERA???? WAIL. Any who, she looked so grown up in all her 7 week glory with her little Trumpette socks and boat neck onsie - I could not resist! (ALSO, yes she is about to cry but I did something stupid with my face and averted a disaster... that is post disaster. Cute, eh?)

"Footballer"

My little soccer player!!!

Day #3: Getting Better

Gawd I love my kids. I mean seriously. I know I have done some bitching lately but when I look deep into those beautiful blue gray eyes on my daughter and stroke her auburn colored hair as she drifts peacefully off to sleep with the birdy sound chirping from her throat as she nurses and her long girlie fingers are wrapped tightly around my finger, I am blessed. Or when my son says "Momma can I please have another prenzel?" with that sweet impish little grin on his face or he gives me a hug and a kiss good night and asks me to stay, PLEUUUSE stay so he can chat with me a few minutes longer, I know I am the luckiest gal on the planet!
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Have I mentioned that my darling husband booked our next family vacation already? I was thinking some place warm, sunny, beachy, Caribbean or South Carolina shore... NO no we are heading to Orlando as in Walt Disney World again in February 2009. At that time Miss M will be just a couple of weeks past six months and M will be just shy of four years of age. We are insane... And yet oddly I am excited. The reason for the trip - $165 plane tickets (never mind the cost of going to Disney totally cancels the plant ticket cost out ENTIRELY!
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Today the activity I chose for my son - load him in the Rav and drive around B-town for an hour looking at construction sites. Ummm, yeah that may happen a lot during the next two months! If you asked M he would be thrilled to tell you about all the cool things we saw so it is not like he was hurting back there.
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I totally suck as far as being friend is concerned - First Kelly (Shades of Gray) had a her baby on Monday!!! A little girl! YEAH Kelly and family!!! CONGRATS!
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Also, does time fly or what? I mean I cannot believe that come Saturday we will be beginning week six with Miss Pancake. It seems like forever but in a good way. She is smiling and holding her head up pretty well. She actually does not mind tummy time and is such a lovely charming little baby. K did the old weigh himself a few times while hold Miss Pancake and then weigh himself without the baby last night and he estimates her to be about 11.5 lbs. SHE IS HUGE. I mean that in the nicest way but I lookd over at K holding her two evenings ago and I thought "well crap she is huge - she does not even seem like a newborn any more..." And I suppose she is not. She is outgrowing her 0-3 clothes already as well as the 1-2 diapers (from Sam's Club). She has blown out her diapers every day this week...

SIGH, they do get big TOO fast I tell you. Likely the reason for this is she is a champ at nursing. She is SO unlike her brother. He gulped and gulped and spit up and hated me and my crazy strong mammary glands. Miss P totally takes it in stride. She will just the milk run out of her mouth (or squirt in as the case may be) and calmly takes deep breaths if she needs to. She spits up a tiny bit (usually because I forget to nurse her) but not near as bad as M did. She sleeps like a champ too - already we have had numerous 5-6 hours sleep nights and during the day she takes a four hour nap. I know this will likely change with the advent of new skills like turning over and well frankly teeth but still she is charming and dang if she is not starting week six. What next? Prom?

I want to be...

light and happy right now. I really want to tell you about M's new obsession with Batman and how far he can jump (FAR). I want to tell you how excited I am for M to start soccer next month and how sweet he is with Miss Pancake. I want to say that I feel like I am being a great mommy of two and I want to say that without tears coming to my eyes because today I cannot say that and if I think about M tears come to my eyes.

M is a good little boy but he has been/is struggling with the changes in our house. I keep trying with all my might to remember he is three and this too shall pass but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want to protect and spend time with Miss Pancake without alienating M but M has been so frustrating and tiring to me that I find myself just shutting M out and he must sense this.

Last night was yet another miserable moment and I fear that I (we) am/are just screwing the little guy up. He flipped out again because I made dinner a bit early and he wanted to use some play-doh which I said "okay but after dinner." He threw a fit & he was counted to three and we put him in his room for a three minute time out. He tore his room apart again and cried for 45 minutes before I finally went in and told M he needed to start getting ready for bed (K was late picking up M and yes, it was THAT late...) I had to force my way into his room and he fled from his room when I finally got in there. Then M came out and sobbed into my shoulder before finally eating dinner.

Things did not get better after this. M would not go to sleep. We did the usual routine then M proceeded to tell us he was scared of alligators that come to his room every night (the night before he did this weird sleep walking freak out that he has been doing on and off for a few months where he needs to pee and I find him screaming in his room standing by the door - he is SO freaked out we cannot calm him down, get him to pee or get him back to sleep for a very long time.) Miss Pancake was having her usual evening melt down cry and K could not get her to calm down so I was trying to get both kids to calm down. I got Miss Pancake to sleep and K decided to call his mom when I hear M sobbing.

I wave K down and get him to go with M. A little later K is holding Miss Pancake and I heard M calling so I went into his room and he was not there. I look in our room and he was in there saying "Daddy said I could..." SIGH SIGH SIGH. I was like K what the hell were you thinking? Part of my anger comes from the fact that M totally dictates what we do when he gets in these moods.

I was tired and cranky and pissed off at K for letting M go into our room in part because we are trying to NOT let M run our lives and M did just that by telling his Dad he would sleep in our room and not his... SO I lost it. K finally reminded me that I needed to take the emotion of it and I got it together enough to get M to his bed and he went to sleep a full 2.5 hours AFTER we started the bed time routine.

I am tired of "fighting" M on every thing and I have massive amounts of fear of having M and Miss Pancake all day starting next week. M hardly listens to me and he does his own thing no matter what the discipline I dole out to him. I cannot just plunk M down in front of the TV 24/7 and I cannot ignore Miss Pancake's needs. My fears just becoming more and more fueled by the situations from the past few weeks. I am trying with all my might to be positive. I am working on a schedule for M when he is home with me and I am hoping for the best.

I really struggled with writing this because I do not want to bitch about the situation and really the truth is I just need to get it off my chest because I feel SO guilty for snarling at my child all the time, for being afraid of my son and his behavior, for feeling so out of control with him and also not being able to find a happy place with him. I am scared that my actions are hurting him and that is the furthest thing from my mind.

Obviously I love my son and I feeling so many bad feelings about M right now I just need to get it off my chest. I was not lying when I wrote that post the other day about being happy and not depressed. I am happy and not depressed but when it comes to M I am struggling, I am at a loss... that instruction manual that I wished for when he was 1st born well that one would sure come in handy now for how to be a good mommy to three year olds with new baby sisters...