Today has been a rough day for me already & it is barely 11:30am. There are a million reasons WHY but not one I can particularly single out.
It could be that my exhaustion levels recently have reached new heights - on the level of the days after Matthew was born exhaustion... It could be that I have a lot of pain in my abdomen - no joke. Sharp shooting pains that are making me even more tired. I have no idea what that is about plus I seem to have a constant nagging headache/migraine (I must be a joy to live with...)
Having said that, today I cried. You know, like that dang forward you get where you tell 49 things about yourself and there is that question " When did you last cry?" Well, if you must know, it was today on the way to work after we dropped Matthew off at school. It was not just a my eyes are all moist and stingy crying - I was sobbing, in tears, probably looked like hell when I walked in the door and I was glad the morning meeting was canceled crying.
What set me off on the fire storm of emotions? Matthew was really clingy per his usual when we take him to school. I never want to leave and he never wants to leave us. Then I have Kevin reminding me like an old nagging hun that we need to go, the time, the time... Because I have to live by the Time Nazi... Matthew was really sad but his favorite teacher, Hillary, said 'Matthew, Nathaniel and I are going outside to find a bus, do you want to come?" and Nathaniel quickly grabbed Matthew's hand (which freaked both Christy his teacher out and me - Nathaniel is one of the "abusive" kids in class) and at the mere mention of bus Matthew most assuredly went along with them. We were behind them as they went out to the playground to find the bus. Matthew looked back at me longingly and said "Mommy-daddy" in this plaintive way. My heart just quite simply broke.
Does it really matter how much money I have when I am 92? (okay, maybe knowing how we treat our elderly in this country but still...) I have to refrain from throwing very swear word I know plus a few that are pure Christina make ups out there right now. It is not as if these feelings are sudden or something. I have struggled from the moment that Matthew was born with what to do about work. I feel extreme guilt and sadness about not being able to spend more time with Matthew and more to the point (and most importantly) I think he suffers from the ordeal that is childcare in this country. I do not buy into the Oprah-esqe mommy wars and I used to think I could do it all but I feel like I am falling apart more and more each day as we go on to year two - imagine little bits of Christina flaking off bit by bit... It hurts.
I wonder/worry/freak out over what the costs are of me doing business every day almost 10 hours away from my son during the most important time of his life... I wonder/worry/freak out about how to keep life as it is financially but finding a way to spend more time with child. A billion ideas out there and none seem to fit at this point. Damn us for buying a new house that we love but seems overwhelming to the point of not being able to breath at night in the middle of the night when I wake up (screaming - not really, totally kidding - had to add some levity into this somewhere) worrying about all of this. I have to keep the faith that as long as Kevin and I provide Matthew with the best home life possible all will be well and one day maybe things will be different. However, I cannot promise that I won't shed more tears about this here, there and everywhere...