Bullshit

Please stop reading this if you do not want to hear my whining, complaining ass... I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF TODAY. Thank you very much.

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My job is too bullshit people all day on the phone. I am a "consultant" or more commonly I am called a head hunter. I prefer consultant thank you very much - head hunter, I mean come on... like I am wearing my loin cloth, saber tooth necklace and carrying a large skull on a platter with loud drumming in the back ground? No, really not so much - today I am just wearing an Eddie Bauer fleece and some jeans - no saber tooth necklace, I swear.

In it's most simplistic form, I find doctors jobs and jobs for doctors. I work with the nicest doctors on earth and good lord I hope they are nice because crap they deal with people whose lives are likely to end in the ICU and they must in turn deal with their families who will miss them greatly and a gentle hand and kind caring word is best from my physicians. I have mentioned how much I love my job and I do. I like the interaction with the people, I like the skill and challenge of my work and I like the money that is reaped from doing this work. It is hard work - as hard as lifting up a phone can be and dealing with people's egos, presumptions and serious lack of follow up even "when they need a new colleague yesterday..." I also love my co workers. It is a fun and intense place to be - it is like no other work place I have been in. It is like have a family of 15. We joke and bicker and snicker and eat together at various celebrations/events.

Lately, however, my work has been kicking my ass and apparently I am getting good at this bullshit thing because my boss commented on how lovely it has been that I am always SO happy when I see her. There is a back story to this on several counts... I may comment on one part of the story later but for now I am going to focus on the bull shit...

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I sobbed earlier this morning in the darkness of our bathroom with large mascara blackened tears dropping to the floor - so large that I heard them plunking to the ground. I held my head in my hands and felt stricken with sorrow for myself, for my son, for my life in some ways... I never in 100 million years would have thought - 'wow, this job will get harder'. Not my work job but my home job. I mean from day one of Matthew's life - it has been hard for me to put it all together but I have been proud of myself until the past few months for working and being a mom and being pretty fucking good at it all!

This morning I just felt SO fucking sorry for myself, it was pathetic. I thought if I cannot do this, what the hell am I going to do with two? I thought I cannot do this anymore to myself, to my son, to my marriage. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. I feel at best recently that I am holding on by threads. And not like strong thick woolly threads but thin, threads that are starting to show the signs of breakage. I am tired. I am frustrated and I am not exactly sure where to turn...

Kevin is who is who. He is not like me in that he just thinks get over it. He does not want to delve deeper than the latest financial news or sports happenings (dear god, I married my father...) He is a good husband, please do not get me wrong. He is there for me as best as he knows how and does SO much. He cooks, cleans, dresses Matthew and really tries to deal with my emotions but there comes a point, where he is like 'DUDE I am SO over your BS...' Plus he does the same work I do so he again he like get over your bad self and work.

I find it difficult to explain how I am feeling to almost everyone because there is no easy solution. 'Well, just quit your job. Find a different more time flexible job. Work from home. Drink more.' Hmm, that last one sounds the most appealing really. In fact, I stared at the bottles of wine in the fridge last evening thinking just one drink - it will feel SO good... I did not. I decided having a headache on top of the regular stress related headache that I have everyday from one glass of wine was not worth it... AND I barely work at work anymore as it is... Besides, I do not want to quit my job. I do like working. I just wish I had flexibility to work part time or work from home. Not because I want to spend 24/7 with Matthew but because I am fucking stressed 24/7. At least I can be stressed out in the quiet of my home, you know? And as some wise person once said - 'who the hell can afford to stay home these days anyway?' That person was a funny gal and I miss seeing her because at least for us, it is not an option and I am not very aware of many people like that gal... I know for plenty of other people it is an option but for us (Kevin and I, not my gal pal) right now it is not an option. There is a huge house payment and a lifestyle we have grown accustomed too. The fact remains that while we are in a fantastically good place financially and the 1st few months of me staying home would be fine - that money - the fantastic financial place would likely be quickly depleted. We are basically debt free besides the house actually but, in all seriousness, I am in awe of how people swing not working... I guess their spouses must be doing better than we are combined or else they are giving up a lot more than I can imagine giving up right now.... It may never be an option and I have come to grips with that.

On top of all this, I love Matthew but being at my house 24/7 would drive me batty... ha the irony of owning of larger home... sigh.

What I loath right now it the sense of urgency I have to get out the door at a certain time so I can be to work at a certain time and my son is 2.5 GODDAMMIT do you know what it is like to get a 2.5 yr old dressed and out the fucking door by 7:29a... to be away for many hours and to deal with whatever issues Matthew has with certain aspects of life away from us...

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I had to scream at Matthew this morning to let go of my hair because he did not want to put his underpants on and his sticky little fingers were entangled in my hair pulling - hard - as he half screamed the underwear was itchy and/or dirty and he, also, half laughed at my plight. Every morning is some derivation of this hell. ...For me, THIS is hell - maybe for others it is not - I hate it. I cannot ever seem to calm down around Matthew - I am demanding and snarky and we all end up in a bad mood because I am tired of asking over and over again... My patience level was never high but it has hit an all time life low the past few months...

And I worry. What am I doing to my little boy with my shit ass attitude?

And I wonder. If things would be different if I were home all day with him? How could I do this with two? I told Kevin one of the main things that has held me back from wanting or trying for a second child really is the capacity for me to handle both work and home life... I already feel like somethings gotta give... And I may not be up for that particular battle/quest. I may not be built for that - I see other working couples do it and they seem to do it with ease... Maybe it is just me?

THE FUCKING BULLSHIT. I am stricken by whether any of this is worth it...

I hope so.