On the fence

I am back to sitting on the proverbial fence. About what you ask? With regards to adding to our happy little family. I was very sure that I wanted to get pregnant and have another baby for the longest time. Especially since there were seemingly dozens of pregnant women in my world (both the real world and the blogging world.) I was so sure we even decided on a time frame to get pregnant for 2008. Now... not so sure about that. AGAIN. Look, I know I have been all over the place on this issue so please please please bear with me. I like to think that I can listen to my body, heart, and head when it comes to decision making now that I am a month away from the ripe old age of 34 but I am still not very good at this.

There are several reasons for being on the fence which I will torture you with once again...

1. I am happy right now. We are happy right now. Another wee tot would change everything. For some people this kind of a change is a good thing; for me - that kind of change just scares me.

2. I actually feel like my body is starting to look like it used to - perhaps this is just mind over matter. Compliments help too. But seriously it has taken me close to 2-1/2 years to bounce back, to have the will to start eating right and even OMG exercise and I am loving that right now. Holy shit can I just mention that clothes fit the right away again and I think I might need to go down a size again!? Yeah, obviously not since I am all freaky excited about it, here...

3. You know how some people say having a baby brought them closer together in their marriage? Yeah, who are these people and what bizarro world do they live in?! Like that Seinfeld episode, where there is a second set of Elaine, Jerry ET AL but they are nicer, slightly different versions of the real Elaine, Jerry, George & Kramer. I think that about my marriage. In a perfect world having a child would have brought Kevin and I closer together. In some ways it did - two years later... And even now we struggle with how to mesh our very different parenting styles. The 1st months of Matthew's life were a struggle for us. Kevin just checked out the night Matthew was born and it took a full blown fight for him to check back in. It had nothing to do with loving Matthew - Kevin's checking out... it was just the shock of being a parent - that surreal moment(s) when you think "OHMYGAWD, they are letting me leave the hospital... with this tiny baby. Don't they know the truth? That I am not a card carrying parent!? That I am just me... ME who never thought I would be a mother/father?!??!" I worry in some ways about our marriage if a second child were to come along.

4. Work. I am not/cannot/will not quit working. I have no idea what I would do if I quit work and how we would function financially since I am finally enjoying the fruits of my labor at work (ha no pun intended!) To leave next year would make all this work seem pointless. I like reaping the fruit too. I have to admit. I like making good money and not worrying about money. at all. I can buy things I like and not have to worry about every little penny like I did through the whole of my 20s.

5. Finally, with reference to work: I told Kevin this - if I were staying at home I would have no doubts about having a second baby but after all that we have been through with day care, I cannot even conceptualize another baby without feeling the dull ache of leaving my baby any where, without thinking about how badly I felt leaving my baby with people I did not entirely trust during the first two years or so of his life. Child care & work actually make up the longest part of my proverbial fence.

I know adding to our family would be good, I know that my body will bounce back after two+ years (okay so seriously I have this sense that instead of 2+ years it might take double that time but whose counting...) and finally I know our marriage will be fine since we know what this baby thing is all about now - there is a light at the end of the tunnel and having Matthew in the picture will make everything different (good different.) It is mostly the leaving of my beloved job (money...) and if I do stay at work, finding the right person to look after this fictional baby.

SO I am left sitting on the fence once again. Kevin knows this and he told me he wants to do whatever makes me happy. Matthew wants a "baby sister" or so he told his father on Sunday night before bed... In some ways, my heart is split in two over this matter. It is curious to me... I feel split but not emotional. Just split.

Essentially, my "final" thoughts (hahahaha... er ehmm...) here on this matter is that if we have another it will be have to be another "semi surprise". I am not a planner when it comes to these kinds of matters. Much like the rest of my life, I like to take the road less traveled (or planned as the case may be) and if we do not get pregnant, I do not feel I will yearn for that missed opportunity. I will be okay with which ever path we take. I am loving life right now. And honestly, I can say that if we do not have a second child I would feel at a loss for things to do. In my case, I know that life will be good no matter what we decide... no matter what happens... I feel truly blessed to have Matthew in my world and I cannot imagine life without him or before him. That is a good thing.

And since we were talking about Seinfeld (What? I was talking about Seinfeld this whole time... weren't you?) "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason..." (which is a quote coincidentally from an episode called "The Baby Shower" Yada, yada, yada...