Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Neurosis From Within

I know I have been a little neurotic about things that quite frankly do not matter in the big scheme of things. I mean come on: a recession, snow in the SE Asia in places like the DESERT that have never seen snow in recorded history & also massive food shortages in the same region, the crazy primaries, 250,000 people displaced in Kenya (can you freakin' imagine - that is a city the size of Fort Wayne IN???), our own whacked out freaky weather and people, a RECESSION!! SO my whining on and on about naming an as yet to be determined sex of a baby and what to wear while pregnant seems a little ahhhh self absorbed.

I thought a lot about this last evening. I was like 'WOULD you just SHUT UP already!?' I also determined that part of my neurosis arises from being nervous. I am nervous. That I cannot lie about. It is many months down the road and yet some how after all the thinking and 'planning', it is real. I can feel little flutters which I know are NOT gas and I am growing bigger. I struggle with where exactly to position Matthew on my lap and I know my lap is rapidly going to disappear for awhile. I cannot find a comfortable position to sleep already. I am nervous about bringing a baby into the world because of many of news stories I mentioned above.

And in an even more self absorbed sort of way I am nervous about changing out little family dynamic. I know most people tell me that they cannot imagine life with out their newest addition and I know this is how I will feel once the wee tot arrives. Because that is how we felt about Matthew (both scared and nervous and than how did we live life before Matthew?!) To us know, "there was life before Matthew" and "life after Matthew". Oh my how much more vibrant and meaningful our lives have been since Matthew came into our worlds. What happened before Matthew? It was all a blur and it really does not matter because today I am blessed with him in my world - he is truly the love of my life.

I look forward to end of my work day when I get to spend time with him, laugh with him, get kisses & hugs, and as he says 'mommy let's snuggle right here on the couch, please!" My heart is filled up right now with my love for Matthew. I am proud of him and all that he is today. I know he is not perfect and I would hate it if he was... who needs perfect especially when I get to enjoy snuggling from a charming 2 year old.

I said to Kevin in this wide eyed way last evening "can you imagine that in a couple of years we will have two of these little people?" as Matthew did somersaults off the couch! I know it will be okay once the baby arrives. I know it will be hard from time to time as well. I know my heart is big enough to love my whole family as much as I love them now. But I am still nervous.

For Matthew and how his little world will change so dramatically by the end of summer. It will change for the better eventually but at first I know he will be a little perplexed and confused. That he will not ALWAYS have mommy to snuggle with like he does now. That there will have to be some dividing of time for both kiddos. And I try to imagine what it all must look like to a kid who will be 3 years old. It is monumental, tremendous and that I cannot, no, will not ignore.

And so I ramble on in my nervous way about names and clothing because it is what keeps my mind occupied and away from the subjects that are inevitable. That no matter how life may not seem possible without the new baby once he/she arrives, it will still change. There is nothing anyone can say about that. It is a fact. A good fact but a fact none the less. I feel that if I address it NOW I can stop myself from these long and painful posts about names and clothes and OMG what might have come next - colors for the nursery?! Ack.

I just want to lay that out for you all who may SO be over hearing me talk about these things because I am SO over it all (for now ;) I am nervous and I tend to ramble repeatedly both in my head and in my writings about OTHER less important things in order to shut up that nagging feeling of nervousness that I can only assume other mommies (& daddies) have felt before me. But I also know it is okay to feel this way, to own those feelings and be ready for them rather then deny them with my random "other" worries.


AndreAnna said...

I'm really good at "compartmentalizing" - I don't deal with things until I absolutely HAVE to. Maybe not the best way to deal with such emotions like grief, anger, etc., but it's how I deal. I'm too damn busy to let everything in. So, I schedule when I am going to worry about things. Like, I will worry about names once I know the sex. I will worry about the nursery once I am 7 months.

I will worry about money once we run out. LOL.

You'll do fine. Imagine those people with like 10 kids and it all seems easy.

Welcome to our World said...

Ah, yes the whole more than two kids family... THOSE PEOPLE ARE GODS!!!

And I have to say I am terrible at compartmentalizing. I have always been a wear my emotions on my sleeve kind of a gal and while that has advantages in turn it has its negatives as well.

I think the naming obession also comes for our 1st - we did not find out the sex so it was mad dash the entire time to come up with names. Something we are not going to have to deal with this time around since we are finding out but it is hard for me to disconnect from that previous feeling of we need need to find two good names one for each sex thing.

For now I am just trying to let it all go and just enjoy each moment rather than worrying in advance (though that is not exactly my nature as much as I would like to believe I am some laid back momma!)

AndreAnna said...

You'll do fine.

We're all a lot stronger than we think. :)

AndreAnna said...

Oh, and we're done, as in D-O-N-E done, with two kids.

Once they outnumber you, it's bad news. lol

K and J's mom said...

I cannot count how many people told me "you'll love the second as much as the first". But it was sooo hard to wrap my brain around it all until he acutally arrived. And just when you think you cannot possibly love M any more than you do today, you get to see him be a BIG BROTHER. Oh my. The tears!!!! The pride!!!

Seeing K just look at Jack, share her sleepy lion with him, get his pacifier, help with diaper changes, ask where he is, include him in her "plans".... I swear I love her a little more every time she mentions his name. And he now recognizes her and looks for her. Sigh. I could weep right now just thinking about it all. It is amazing. I am so happy M gets to experience it too! (And you and Kevin of course!!!)

Welcome to our World said...

Thanks Nicki! I need that kind of encouragement and those stories! That does make me feel better and I know KNOW know it will be okay. I cannot stop being nervous but I can be soothed!! ;)

Welcome to our World said...

Andreanna - we are DONE too. I agree about the outnumbering thing as well :)!