I totally just stuck me foot (FEET!?) in my mouth with my boss. It was great... (and that was sarcasm people.)
Let's back track... work has been suck-tastic since late last year. I try not to talk too much about my job on here because holy shit is that boring or what?! BUT I must spew forth my feelings NOW. My production has been low. My numbers are horrendous. I cannot seem to get on the phone as much as I need to. Everything that was "supposed" to come together fell apart (not at my hands, it just did as it is in our market.) I am constantly tired, frustrated, grouchy and generally just no fun to be around during and immediately after work.
Some of this is pregnancy related, some it not. A little market driven and a little "Christina is a mental case" driven. There really is so much more to this then I am writing. Here is some of it...
I work with a "partner" in a given market and we both have expressed frustration over having one to many people in the market. That every year we as a pair make the same number of "placements" give or take one or two. That our relationship is not as honky dory as other pairs in our office and we kind of work on each other's nerves. She is VERY aggressive to my laid back attitude. She wants to do things one way and I another. It is like a bad marriage some days, SERIOUSLY.
I actually really like this person and vice versa but I do think our partnership is strained at best most days. When one of us is doing well, the other is sinking into a deep morass of hellish depression, frustration and resentment toward the other.
I did not use these words to describe my work life to my boss but that is basically what I just told my boss.
She profoundly disagreed with me as is her nature and the nature of our relationship. We think in such different ways anyway. I feel like she is always black and white (SHE IS!) and she just think I am total head case(which I am, kay I admit that readily but some times I CAN be right, some times dammit!) She feels that what we talked about is my own issue (and my partner's), our own heads that get in the way. That if I set myself up to only get so many "placements" (how I make money...) then that is all I will make. She used the example that if I think I can only run 3 miles that is all I will ever run. She has a good point. It is true for work and life as well.
Her honesty and ways of thinking are why I like this person so much (and yet she drives me batty too.) It also felt good to get the BS that has been rolling around in my head for literally years off my chest to her.
I do need to work harder and make it work or else I am just going to keep going down this long and painful path that I have been on for a good six months.
I did not mention here or to my boss that I often distrust my partner and the way she does business. Her aggressive personality to my not so aggressive personality makes me feel kicked to curb in many situation. I feel the need to constantly protect my candidates and when I was maternity leave last time she took a bunch of my active candidates. One of which I worked with and did as much work as she did and recently because she kept that person in her group ended up making a placement. She gets what she wants my jamming two people together and I do not but that also leaves my candidates on the outside of the circle looking in thus resulting in the 1st half of her year being awesome and mine being pure crap.
My point here was 1/3 to work out the fact that I just did such a lame ass thing like laying my heart out to my boss, 1/3 to just work it all out and 1/3 to kick myself in the ass and get back to work (does that make a whole?! Likely not, I suck at Math in case you were wondering!) I do think pregnancy has made me spacey but I am also constantly worried about money and work which contributes to being even more spacey on top of the normal pregnancy stuff. Maybe just getting out in the open will help. I have little time to resurrect six months of failing apart but I plan to do it while I can. I plan to enjoy my leave as best I can and come back with a new and improved attitude. I also can only hope that fallout from my putting of the foot in the mouth will be minimal... And I plan to buy some duct tape, STAT!