Insert Foot, Idiot on Board

I totally just stuck me foot (FEET!?) in my mouth with my boss. It was great... (and that was sarcasm people.)

Let's back track... work has been suck-tastic since late last year. I try not to talk too much about my job on here because holy shit is that boring or what?! BUT I must spew forth my feelings NOW. My production has been low. My numbers are horrendous. I cannot seem to get on the phone as much as I need to. Everything that was "supposed" to come together fell apart (not at my hands, it just did as it is in our market.) I am constantly tired, frustrated, grouchy and generally just no fun to be around during and immediately after work.

Some of this is pregnancy related, some it not. A little market driven and a little "Christina is a mental case" driven. There really is so much more to this then I am writing. Here is some of it...

I work with a "partner" in a given market and we both have expressed frustration over having one to many people in the market. That every year we as a pair make the same number of "placements" give or take one or two. That our relationship is not as honky dory as other pairs in our office and we kind of work on each other's nerves. She is VERY aggressive to my laid back attitude. She wants to do things one way and I another. It is like a bad marriage some days, SERIOUSLY.

I actually really like this person and vice versa but I do think our partnership is strained at best most days. When one of us is doing well, the other is sinking into a deep morass of hellish depression, frustration and resentment toward the other.

I did not use these words to describe my work life to my boss but that is basically what I just told my boss.

She profoundly disagreed with me as is her nature and the nature of our relationship. We think in such different ways anyway. I feel like she is always black and white (SHE IS!) and she just think I am total head case(which I am, kay I admit that readily but some times I CAN be right, some times dammit!) She feels that what we talked about is my own issue (and my partner's), our own heads that get in the way. That if I set myself up to only get so many "placements" (how I make money...) then that is all I will make. She used the example that if I think I can only run 3 miles that is all I will ever run. She has a good point. It is true for work and life as well.

Her honesty and ways of thinking are why I like this person so much (and yet she drives me batty too.) It also felt good to get the BS that has been rolling around in my head for literally years off my chest to her.

I do need to work harder and make it work or else I am just going to keep going down this long and painful path that I have been on for a good six months.

I did not mention here or to my boss that I often distrust my partner and the way she does business. Her aggressive personality to my not so aggressive personality makes me feel kicked to curb in many situation. I feel the need to constantly protect my candidates and when I was maternity leave last time she took a bunch of my active candidates. One of which I worked with and did as much work as she did and recently because she kept that person in her group ended up making a placement. She gets what she wants my jamming two people together and I do not but that also leaves my candidates on the outside of the circle looking in thus resulting in the 1st half of her year being awesome and mine being pure crap.

My point here was 1/3 to work out the fact that I just did such a lame ass thing like laying my heart out to my boss, 1/3 to just work it all out and 1/3 to kick myself in the ass and get back to work (does that make a whole?! Likely not, I suck at Math in case you were wondering!) I do think pregnancy has made me spacey but I am also constantly worried about money and work which contributes to being even more spacey on top of the normal pregnancy stuff. Maybe just getting out in the open will help. I have little time to resurrect six months of failing apart but I plan to do it while I can. I plan to enjoy my leave as best I can and come back with a new and improved attitude. I also can only hope that fallout from my putting of the foot in the mouth will be minimal... And I plan to buy some duct tape, STAT!

Narcissist Mommies!?

Of course, Sundry wrote yesterday about this article she read in her local newspaper about the usual mommy war crapola that we are all to familiar with by now. AND, I, of course, read this stuff like it is junk food - I cannot resist. I am drawn to it like a moth to a light - hoping to find the answer to my conundrum. As if there is some easy answer and if there was wouldn't we all be doing it by now?!

I have come to the conclusion that many of the people these articles/books seem to highlight as those who "opt out" are the people who can make that choice. They have had high paying jobs for the better part of a decade and their spouse is also making a bundle as well. They hardly EVER highlight the people who do not have combined income total of $350k or more prior to having children. It is always the corporate lawyer or the high tech CEO or the president of blah blah blah.

In fact, I read a book that said we "highly educated" women should go back to work in the vein of the Feminine Mistake right before I went back to work after having Matthew. I needed something to bolster my confidence as I felt rotten about leaving my 3 month old with a woman I hardly knew... Now after two years and an wide opening of my eyes, I realize numerous things that I have mentioned before here.

I am a better mommy when I work.
I am happy to be working because money is a necessary evil in our household.
I love my job and do not want to leave it.
I think Matthew will benefit from being around other kids at this age.

These are just a few. I checked out the Time article mentioned in the Seattle Times article from Sundry's post and I ran across this one from Newsweek this morning. Both are insightful - basically saying similar things that we have all heard before.

I am telling you this stuff - for me - is like a freaking potato chip. I cannot eat just one - I need to nosh on the whole damn bag WHICH BTW way I am doing my Weight Watchers stuff and it might just kill me! (Nice segue way, huh?) I knew the first week would be hard because it is radically changing the way I have been eating. Once again let me re-iterate, I do not eat horribly but just bad enough to know I was not going to magically lose the 15 pounds I have been bitching and moaning about for the last 6 months...

It is hard to give up things I like to eat a lot. Granola for instance. I know it is high in fat and not actually the healthiest thing in the world but I love that stuff. It is sweet and crunchy and filling and OMG did I mention crunchy!? I am hanging on to those granola bars - one would think I was hanging from a ten story building I am so against giving them up! I found these high fiber one (4 grams BABY) that offer me that sweet and crunch I like so much but still...

I also realize how easily I snack. I have always been a little meal person. Lots of small meals but I did not realize how much I have come to rely on starches and heavy snacks versus the things I used to snack on like baby carrots, fruits and veggies! I still eat those plus a pound of bread as well!

Ah, well the weight in is on Saturday so I will let you know how it goes. I am hoping to start doing some exercise again next week in addition to this WW stuff. That is going to be hard - TOTALLY the last priority for me at the end of the day. Do I sit and watch Hell's Kitchen vaguely holding that book/magazine as if I am going to use my brain or do I go down and ride the bike & lift weights?! Hmmm, I am quite certain you and you and you can guess which one I most often opt to go for! ;)