Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A Short Long Time

25 days. Seems like such a short period of time and a life time rolled into one. Kevin and I joked about the baby being born on the 4th of July. I know this will not happen given the fact that Matthew was 14 days overdue and there is a long ass history of pregnancies going late in my family. I have settled in for the long haul mostly. I have moments of looking over at Kevin as I am struggling to lean over to get some laundry from the basket and in my best whiny voice saying ‘Gah, please let this baby come early!”

On one hand, I am very ready to be done being pregnant. The near constant pelvic pain, the lack of sleep, the “waddle” for lack of a better term and whatever new ache or ailment seems to happen now day by day. On the other hand, once Ms Pancake arrives in our lives life will be different. Great and wonderful I know this already but the unknown of having two looms. I know it will all work out and go smoothly but having her neatly tucked inside of my large and ever growing belly for the moment is okay with me as well. As much as I am ready to get my body back and be one with myself again, the things that sort of frighten me outweigh the need to have the baby in some ways.

I am nervous about how Matthew will react right away and many weeks after she is born. He is three and gets a lot of it but he still struggles with transitions and changes.

I am nervous about breastfeeding. It was a struggle the 1st time. I am stubborn and would not give up come hell or high water with Matthew. I sat in that chair in his room for literally 20 hours some of those early days with a squalling baby, a painfully sore chest and tears in my eyes. BUT we did it. At the end of the day, we survived those early days and I nursed Matthew for 20 months. I worry I will not have this kind of time, energy or stubbornness. And TWENTY MONTHS?!?!? Even the 12 month mark sounds like a long way off right now.

Sleep deprivation frightens me. I am so exhausted right now I am literally hallucinating most days. I have cried more the past two days then I have in four years. I just have no reason to cry. My life is dang good but the exhaustion I feel daily combined with my perceived shitty work performance has driven me over the edge.

I fear a baby. Yes, I did it once before, THREE YEARS AGO. And how Matthew survived US is still a mystery! I am hoping it will all come back to me like riding a bike or swimming a mile but still. I fear having a newborn again, no neck strength, changing diapers, putting on 12 little outfits because my gawd how big is a baby’s belly ANYWAY!?

Mostly I know it will all be okay. I am enjoying the quiet before the storm. I am taking in each moment with Matthew and Kevin. Baking cookies and resting my feet. Napping when I want to. Long showers (albeit cold ones but they are long ;) I know the addition to our family will be wonderful and special. As much as I have these fears lingering in my mind, I am so happy to welcome her whenever she and my body say so.


AndreAnna said...

That's funny - I just wrote a very similar post.

I think with Charlotte being only 2, I am less scared of the new baby thing. She doesn't quite understand it, and I think that makes it a little easier. I know she will react; I just hope it's not too bad for too long.

I am so done with this pregnancy, but I KNOW it is better for him to be inside as long as he can.

LoriD said...

I felt that way with each of my pregnancies - sooo ready to be done, but sooo not ready to start! It is kind of like riding a bike, though. It wasn't that long ago that you went through it all with Matthew, so it will all come rushing back.

My friend had a really hard time breast-feeding her first and also perservered. Her second was a breeze! Hopefully that will be your experience too.

Shades of Gray said...

No worries! You're going to be great! Everything will fall into place.

Jen said...

Wow I can't believe how quickly time flies - in only 25 (+/-) days your little girl will be here! Although maybe it isn't flying for you! :)

You will be great and Matthew will adjust and be such a fabulous little helper!

I think all the "what ifs" before the baby arrives can be scary, but once she's here you'll fall in love and just be the wonderful mama you are!

You should have a day of pampering before your little bundle of joy arrives, you deserve it!

melissa said...

Oh yes. I remember feeling this way before Cameron arrived. It will all be good!