Happy Bloggy Birthday!

I totally missed it. March 1st. That was the day I decided to start this blog! AND 267 posts later! Wow. I knew it was some time last year around this time, I had to look and there is was March1st!!

I think the coolest part about this blog has been having a journal of sorts to keep track of silly little things that happen, the stuff that we do at any given time in our lives, and even the big events (the move, a new car, a NEW baby!!!) so I can look back on it and say 'hmm what was happening at this time or that.' And I do look back quite often actually to see what was going on.
Also, I did no journaling and did not take very many photos when I was pregnant the 1st time around. I thought I would never forget any part of the experience and as for photos, bleck! I have some major regrets about not doing any of this (though the intent was there in terms of journaling - I bought a notebook because we were too poor to buy one of those fancy baby story books but I wrote all of two times in there and it was random blather...) Okay so there is still random blather but I do it very often!

But this time around I am all about remembering all that happens and the experiences I am having. I have a baby journal, I am taking periodic photos of the growing tummy, & I have this blog. And it is neat and amazing to see the changes & growth in our lives. I think part of this need for memories it that I know this is the 2nd and last child for me/us. We have no plans to even contemplate a 3rd or 4th child. With Matthew there was the possibility of a 2nd but this time around for us, this is it.

I struggled with doing things differently for this baby versus Matthew. I mean I just did not have the forethought to take photos of my growing belly at the time or the ability to put into words the feelings I had during my pregnancy with him. Looking back I wish I had and while there is disparity between the two pregnancies from that POV at the end of the day there can never be a perfectly equal balance between the two either.

The point I mostly want to make here is that one pregnancy was not less meaningful or less lovingly conceived because I am doing things differently. The choice to do things differently this time around has more to do with a level of consciousness from me. At not wanting to miss a thing, or let that time fly by as it did with Matthew both while pregnant and post partum.

As much as those early days can be tough and a struggle for everyone, they are also days I cannot/will not get back. So for me remembering the good and the bad is so important. I am just more with it then I was when I was pregnant with Matthew. Three years ago when I was pregnant with Matthew we were in a different space financially, physically, mentally. We were wholly surprised and blessed with the pregnancy but unprepared. I just jumped in with both feet & my eyes closes - I did what I was told to do. What I thought was right for me/us at the time.

This time I am more laid back, relaxed, calmer, and even, yes, happier with everything in my life then I was when I was pregnant the first time. I want to clarify that I was less happy the first time with areas of my life that I was very wrapped up in - struggles with my immediate family, my work life and generally just internal feelings about myself - I was VERY happy to be pregnant with Matthew. Ah yes I am little sensitive about people thinking I was not happy about being pregnant the 1st time around and there is a long old story there that I will not delve into because well it is OVER and done with. I put that to bed a long time ago but I am still fairly touchy on the subject! Today, I have learned I am more in control of my life and have a stronger sense of community & self, and I am just more confident.

I am not scared to be a parent like I was back then. I know it is okay to be fallible, to make mistakes and to apologize for those mistakes. That I am not a perfect parent/wife & who is? That my kid is going to get horribly ill and the only thing I can do for him is hold him, love him & take him to the doctor when it gets really bad. I know now that my kid is going to get hurt by other kids or fall down and crack his head on the table. That it will hurt like hell but again I cannot control these things. I can try to help and heal my child but I cannot take anything away from his experiences in life and while it seems so harsh he needs to experience sickness and pain, frustration and anger, happiness and joy, the rich experiences of travel, love, the sorrow of doing something wrong and being punished by sitting in a time out (repeatedly) (no matter how much it breaks my heart to hear him wail...).

I know today that parenting is the damn hardest job Kevin and I will ever do in our whole lives because it involves both loving deeply and letting go all at once. It means being so much a part of our children's lives right now but having our own lives as well. It means that as much as I want to give up my whole self for my children I also need to maintain my own life because eventually Matthew and little miss thang won't need me the way they do right now.

That before you know it you are discussing preschool & kindergarten or soccer/hockey/swim classes where we do not need to be in the water/on the field/on the ice with him. And he will have his own friends and they will be separate from us. That as much as I provide all that I can financially, mentally, emotionally, structurally right now at the end of the day Matthew and Princess Pancake are going to need to find their own way in life, make their own decisions, be their own people. I can only hope that I am providing the best structure for that growth and development so they are good people. That is what I have learned in the three years since having my son and even in the 1 year since I started this blog

Wow, so how in the world did we start out with me telling you that I started this blog 1 year and three days ago to this!? Well, it is what I thought about when I thought about this past year. How much has changed in one year but also how much will continue to change with each passing hour, day, month and years to come... That I want to never forget any of that change because I can never get it back and this is the best place for me to "remember" all that happens, to rush less and enjoy the little moments of our lives NOW! Happy 1st Bloggy Birthday ;)

We are family...

One of the reasons I started blogging was the need for an outlet to talk about my life and all that is going on. A place where I could write (or practice writing) and also talk about my life, feelings, etc... In some ways it was selfish because it gives me a place to toot my horn - sort of an annoying version of the Christmas "we are the most perfect family" letter we all get from at least one person every year. I actually like those but it has been ingrained in me by my charming mother is this overwhelming sense that those letters are bad. She hated them but that is another story for another time... I also write about negative and silly stuff so it is not all ME centered.

Another reason I started to blog had to do with releasing emotions. I always felt pent up emotionally and this provided me with a release. We live far from family and do not have a HUGE social circle. Also, being working parents we tend to have little time to be social beasts. I like to think if I were a SAHM I would be a more social person because I feel a strong urgency to do that - I am a social beast to some degree - GAWD, I love that word... weird, I know - by nature despite my total hatred of the phone and lately of e-mail.

Mostly I started blogging because it enlarged my social circle. It gave me the chance to find like minded people I can relate to (parents, a sense of humor, working parents, strong women with a voice) and an intellectual stimulation I desperately needed. The blogs I read regularly are written entertaining, intelligent and wonderful people. I may never meet most of the people whose blogs I read but it gives me this sense of community I crave deeply but have little time/energy to build. By the end of any given day or week, I am exhausted. My job is emotionally draining and it is hard work. Raising a child while working adds even more pressure. Don't get me wrong - as I have stated, I love my job and I do not look at work as a negative aspect of my life because for me work gives me one more form of community. But it makes me tired, plain and simple.

I long for the 50s Leave it To Beaver/Mayberry community at times (without the total of lack of feminism!) Where people seemed to know their neighbors and cared for one another. Where family was close by and helpful AND... and loving. Where friends and family gathered to help raise a fence, move you from one house to the next or just came over to sit on the porch for lemonade (or cocktails.)

I long for all of this but time and pressure some times do not allow for this AND despite being a social beast by nature I am a bit how shall we say... socially awkward. I am actually a bit shy and reserved. I am not one to go out and greet the new neighbors. I sometimes forget to wave at people when I see them or say hi when Matthew and I stroll by. I will avoid someone in the store or when I am out and about if I have only met them once & hardly know them. I am weird like that. Blogging gives me the ability to avoid that one on one contact but still interact with a wonderful fun loving community.

I think often of my most favorite movie eva, Breakfast Club when I think about blogging FOR ME:

Brian: Well, what I said was that I'm in the math club, the latin club and the physics club.
Bender: Hey, cherry, do you belong to the physics club?
Claire: Thats an academic club.
Bender: So?
Claire: So, academic clubs arent the same as other kinds of clubs.
Bender: But the dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: In physics, well, we talk about physics... properties of physics.
Bender: So its sort of social. Demented and sad, but social, right?