Happy Bloggy Birthday!

I totally missed it. March 1st. That was the day I decided to start this blog! AND 267 posts later! Wow. I knew it was some time last year around this time, I had to look and there is was March1st!!

I think the coolest part about this blog has been having a journal of sorts to keep track of silly little things that happen, the stuff that we do at any given time in our lives, and even the big events (the move, a new car, a NEW baby!!!) so I can look back on it and say 'hmm what was happening at this time or that.' And I do look back quite often actually to see what was going on.
Also, I did no journaling and did not take very many photos when I was pregnant the 1st time around. I thought I would never forget any part of the experience and as for photos, bleck! I have some major regrets about not doing any of this (though the intent was there in terms of journaling - I bought a notebook because we were too poor to buy one of those fancy baby story books but I wrote all of two times in there and it was random blather...) Okay so there is still random blather but I do it very often!

But this time around I am all about remembering all that happens and the experiences I am having. I have a baby journal, I am taking periodic photos of the growing tummy, & I have this blog. And it is neat and amazing to see the changes & growth in our lives. I think part of this need for memories it that I know this is the 2nd and last child for me/us. We have no plans to even contemplate a 3rd or 4th child. With Matthew there was the possibility of a 2nd but this time around for us, this is it.

I struggled with doing things differently for this baby versus Matthew. I mean I just did not have the forethought to take photos of my growing belly at the time or the ability to put into words the feelings I had during my pregnancy with him. Looking back I wish I had and while there is disparity between the two pregnancies from that POV at the end of the day there can never be a perfectly equal balance between the two either.

The point I mostly want to make here is that one pregnancy was not less meaningful or less lovingly conceived because I am doing things differently. The choice to do things differently this time around has more to do with a level of consciousness from me. At not wanting to miss a thing, or let that time fly by as it did with Matthew both while pregnant and post partum.

As much as those early days can be tough and a struggle for everyone, they are also days I cannot/will not get back. So for me remembering the good and the bad is so important. I am just more with it then I was when I was pregnant with Matthew. Three years ago when I was pregnant with Matthew we were in a different space financially, physically, mentally. We were wholly surprised and blessed with the pregnancy but unprepared. I just jumped in with both feet & my eyes closes - I did what I was told to do. What I thought was right for me/us at the time.

This time I am more laid back, relaxed, calmer, and even, yes, happier with everything in my life then I was when I was pregnant the first time. I want to clarify that I was less happy the first time with areas of my life that I was very wrapped up in - struggles with my immediate family, my work life and generally just internal feelings about myself - I was VERY happy to be pregnant with Matthew. Ah yes I am little sensitive about people thinking I was not happy about being pregnant the 1st time around and there is a long old story there that I will not delve into because well it is OVER and done with. I put that to bed a long time ago but I am still fairly touchy on the subject! Today, I have learned I am more in control of my life and have a stronger sense of community & self, and I am just more confident.

I am not scared to be a parent like I was back then. I know it is okay to be fallible, to make mistakes and to apologize for those mistakes. That I am not a perfect parent/wife & who is? That my kid is going to get horribly ill and the only thing I can do for him is hold him, love him & take him to the doctor when it gets really bad. I know now that my kid is going to get hurt by other kids or fall down and crack his head on the table. That it will hurt like hell but again I cannot control these things. I can try to help and heal my child but I cannot take anything away from his experiences in life and while it seems so harsh he needs to experience sickness and pain, frustration and anger, happiness and joy, the rich experiences of travel, love, the sorrow of doing something wrong and being punished by sitting in a time out (repeatedly) (no matter how much it breaks my heart to hear him wail...).

I know today that parenting is the damn hardest job Kevin and I will ever do in our whole lives because it involves both loving deeply and letting go all at once. It means being so much a part of our children's lives right now but having our own lives as well. It means that as much as I want to give up my whole self for my children I also need to maintain my own life because eventually Matthew and little miss thang won't need me the way they do right now.

That before you know it you are discussing preschool & kindergarten or soccer/hockey/swim classes where we do not need to be in the water/on the field/on the ice with him. And he will have his own friends and they will be separate from us. That as much as I provide all that I can financially, mentally, emotionally, structurally right now at the end of the day Matthew and Princess Pancake are going to need to find their own way in life, make their own decisions, be their own people. I can only hope that I am providing the best structure for that growth and development so they are good people. That is what I have learned in the three years since having my son and even in the 1 year since I started this blog

Wow, so how in the world did we start out with me telling you that I started this blog 1 year and three days ago to this!? Well, it is what I thought about when I thought about this past year. How much has changed in one year but also how much will continue to change with each passing hour, day, month and years to come... That I want to never forget any of that change because I can never get it back and this is the best place for me to "remember" all that happens, to rush less and enjoy the little moments of our lives NOW! Happy 1st Bloggy Birthday ;)

Pregnancy Non Happenings

Being pregnant has not really been a "problem" to date. My morning sickness was mild to the point of nonexistent. I even worried there was something wrong at some points during the 1st trimester because I felt okay most of the time. I

can still sausage my way into my "regular" zip type pants with & without the Bella Band. I have been exercising more than I did before I was even pregnant and sort of eating well.

I have little to no heart burn and there is nothing I cannot eat. Okay that is an outright lie - onions just make me gag but that was a before I was pregnant thing too.

I did have that headache that I bitched about over the weekend (it is gone now, thanks for asking ;) which is probably somewhat related to hormones but mostly I STRONGLY dislike sleeping on my side. And since I do not have much choice I am sucking it up and sleeping on my side but even with my Snoogle it is uncomfortable and gives me the worst neck aches ever.

And there is this pregnancy acne thing - Mount Saint Helen's erupted on my lower jaw over the weekend - my god, I wanted to cry from the pain but again it is livable.

BUT seriously there could be so many OTHER things to bitch about, right? Right.

Maybe I am just used to these things now? Maybe I am aware they will happen so it is not as "new" as the last time? Perhaps I am just over it all. What I am really trying to say is that I feel pregnant but I do not. I am just not as "sensitive" as I was during the 1st pregnancy about pregnancy 'things'. Maybe those all night nursing sessions have turned me into a super mom!? Ha. Seriously though I remember peeing 50 times a night most nights and also if I went to bed past 9 pm when I was pregnant with Matthew, I was royal bitch. Now when I wake up in the night, I am like 'eh I can hold it' and go back to sleep and I do not go to bed before 11p most nights.

The only thing that has "bothered" me this go around is the fact that if I wake up in the middle of night for reasons OTHER than needing to go pee, I am up. For instance, last night Matthew fell out of bed and woke up crying because he was cold and/or uncomfortable so I put him back in bed and he went to sleep like, well, like a baby. I laid in bed and "wrote" long rambling blog entries in my head, made endless to do lists, tossed and turned and moved the dogs around trying to get more room in bed. I tried to clear my mind and think of nothing all Zen like. I went pee a few times and generally just laid there listening to the rain and storms go by.

I am not tired today. Not like I would normally be. It is so strange. I hate sitting up like that. I mean if I have a genuine reason to sit up and worry then it makes sense but there was nothing to bother me last night (or any other time this has happened since being pregnant.) I was tired but could not sleep. It reminded me of nursing. Most nights I could do the all night nursing session and barely bat an eye but there would be that one day when it would catch up and all hell would break loose. I would be cranky, tired, bitchy... sigh.

When I was pregnant with Matthew even though I had no idea I sort of assumed it was the human response to getting ready for a baby. I still think this but I keep wondering 'WON'T THERE BE TIME ENOUGH FOR ME TO CONTEMPLATE MY NAVEL ALL NIGHT LONG IN AUGUST?' And also 'Ah I already know to expect that I am not going to sleep well for the next 12-24 months so why do we have to REHEARSE this all over again!?!?"

So for selfish reasons, I am here to bitch about my night time wakings. Wail, poor me, right?!

Okay well so whatever - Linda had her baby yesterday! What a cute little peanut he is and she looks fab! Go say 'hi and congrats'!