I forgot what it is like to have hormones surge though my body. To be pregnant and feel like a raging bull in a crystal store. To really just let it all hang out even though I normally do not and have the self control to hold it back even if I feel like I want to. I feel a complete loss of self control over my emotions.
Mostly I just down right mean - I feel like a wild west Cowboy clunking along with my chaps (NOT REALLY) and boots a jangling. I load up my six shooter with thoughts and feelings and fire them off to people without a thought. Than I remember that I am not supposed to be this way, that is not me and I think "OH SHIT, that was fucking mean... SHUT UP!" Seriously, real though in my head...
Mostly Kevin receives the brunt of this because at work I just hole up at my computer and try to interact with as few people as possible (which probably makes me seem even more bitchy but please people would you rather I go around shooting off my lippy mouth or just sit silently thinking these things?!!?) Kevin however does not have the pleasure of escaping my nastiness. I will go from friendly & happy to bitchy & evil and back in the span of 10 minutes.
At first, Kevin was just perplexed but than last night when I spewing mean things to him he said "you are being hormonal so I am not going to listen to you any more!" Slap to the face and than 'OH yeah this is my partner for life, the person I love...' and I stopped. For a second...
The other night I actually had the "balls" to tell Kevin that most of the gifts he buys me are not things I have been that excited about... I always tell him I love everything and that he did such a great job BECAUSE I do love him and do not want to hurt his feelings but for some odd reason I decided I would let him know these were sort of, kind of, well, lies... I generally lie because he tries - really hard. But I have received (in no particular order) a hair dryer, a chair massager, a coffee mug (about that he said "but you use it all the time". I was thinking "NO you give it to me all the time..."), and lots of little random things that just make me wonder - does he know me?! The hair dryer was the one that really got me... mine worked fine and I did not need a new one but still it was there, under the tree on Christmas day... I use it, I like it.
I have no idea what got into me... I was saying 'SO what did you get me for Christmas' all snarky like. 'Anything from my list?!' I do like the element of surprise to some degree (especially when it starts with dia- and end with -monds!) On the other hand, I also like to get things I actually want. Plus WHO does all their shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond?!
Do not get me wrong, I am not an ungrateful wretch. I recanted. I told him I was just hormonal and being mean so he should ignore me. I also did not cop to the items I was not excited about so please DO NOT tell him... he does not read this and does not know... I felt a moment of freedom from "the lies" but then I thought 'OMG but I really do appreciate his gifts, he lovingly tries to get me something he genuinely thinks I need or would like (not so much about the want and that is the way it should be...) He does nice things for me all the time on top of that. He buys me flowers, he gets me ice water when I ask, he lets me nap and takes care of Matthew. A LOT. He cooks and cleans and loves me through the "hormones" so that is why I recanted. BUT still... a hair dryer, people.