PMS and all that

Can you tell I was "PMS"ing, yo? On the post below...

PSM = Sobbing in the darkened bathroom 1st thing in the morning with big mascarey tears and all which also = telling the world about it on a blog (all four of you who spend the time reading my sad hormone fueled post...) AND I am off to Kroger to get some me some candy corn to make everything feel better. I was going to work out but fuck that... who needs a work out when it is candy corn season?!

Another reason for my dark mood has to do with cancer. No, I do not have cancer. I would not announce something like that in this manner... I am talking about this cancer... It is bleak. It was looking good for a little while and Zach was supposed to under go radiation this week to further reduce ONE tumor. But the scan he had last week showed that all of the cancer (several larger tumors) are back and, likely, I got the sense these tumors are much worse than before the stem cell replacement and high dose chemo that almost killed him to begin with but did also seem to worked.

Zack spent about two months in Omaha NE at the best place for someone with his kind of cancer getting all of the above mentioned treatments. They are going back to see if there is anything else they can do. It feels today like cancer is going to defeat him and that just makes me sad. If you knew Zack and his family you would know why. SO my mood is as gloomy as the weather... Also, this may seem odd, but my thoughts always turn to Matthew whenever things with Zach do not look good. I think 'OMG what am I doing wasting this precious time working because what if in 23 years we are at these dire cross roads...' ACK. And that makes me all weepy and teary and I write long tomes about what a craptastic day I am having and how life seems so bleak - POOR ME...

Then I kick my own ass and remember that Zach is Zach. That whatever happens to him, he is blessed and cared for and loved and that will not stop... SO today I will go home and be calmer and I will not let the hair pulling and open hostile defiance get to me. I will just smile because who knows what will happen in the future and also, this too shall pass (with Matthew) - no matter how I feel from the bottom (or the top) of my heart, I love Matthew and that is all that counts every single day.