Last evening at 6:33pm, Zachary passed away.
My heart breaks for his family & his young wife, for Zachary. For the amazing life he has lead in 26 years and the one that could have been. He was an amazing human being (as if I have not said this enough and I mean it...) There are many reasons I think this of a young person I hardly know.
It starts with Ann, his step mother, and Michael, his father. They gave me chance four years ago to start in a job I never thought I would find. They weathered through my childishness and helped me to grow up, become a stronger person, a good business woman and truly allowed me to be financially independent in a way I never in my life could have hoped for or imagined.
In the midst of my 1st turbulent year on this job I remember Ann sitting me down and basically telling me to get over my bad self. That holy crap little girl do you know, do have any clue what real life is? do you know what it is to worry about your spouse's recurring and worsening cancer (Kathy, a co-worker - her husband has cancer as well) or your son being away in Iraq and how there is fear for his life every single moment of every day that goes by. It felt like someone shook me awake from a long sleep at that moment. I felt like someone slapped me (but in a good way.) I looked around with new eyes. At people. I started to loss that sense of 'I am SO wrapped up in myself' and started to feel again for others.
Zach's story unfolded for me. I finally met him when he was on a brief leave. I was pregnant. I was almost shy to meet Zach because he really was the reason I opened my eyes, stopped my whining, started working harder. He had no idea of that. He was on leave and had to return to Iraq to finish is tour. To see his parents and siblings beam over him was amazing but more then that the beaming they did was for good reason. He really was all of things that they said he was. That part was amazing. T his young 24 year man seemed so much more mature then I was at the time... I read the Zachary updates which Ann would faithfully send out everyone who knew and cared. I watched the news to make sure that anything happening in Iraq was far from Mosul where Zach was stationed.
Then he came home. He was in love. I remember Ann telling me about this tiny little girl who served beside him in Mosul. That they fell in love on the desert. We all went to lunch with Zach and he told us stories of his experiences in Iraq and meeting another person from Indiana, falling in love and making it work even in tight and dangerous quarters. He was deeply religious as was his soon to be wife. They bonded over that and their common background. He had this lovely Southern Indiana twang that none of his siblings have, just Zachary. He had a smile that was infectious and shy all at once. He liked country music (I have a soft spot for country music, shhh don't tell anyone...it has helped me through some rough times.)
Zachary got married. He started to look for a career. He worked at Harley Davidson for a while. He was good with cars and the mechanics of them but found that it was not the right place for him. He tried his hand as a truck driver which was tedious and kept him away from his new wife. If you met this guy he so would not fit the Harley/Truck driver type AT ALL! So he started looking for a new career. He came to help out at our office. He and I talked about how he was hoping to pass the state police tests. He already discovered that he had a painful tumor in his shoulder and been diagnosed with two kinds of Cancer. This boy was tough. He was always smiling every time you saw him. And it was not just Zachary but Ann, Michael, Samson, Mary-Ellen and Michael Jr. They all kept their heads up and a ready smile despite the unfolding of his story, his struggle with a cancer that as they were told from the start might be fatal. Dara, his wife of barely a year, stayed by his side, left her job, took care of his life all in three short years of meeting, falling in love, & marrying.
He was funny, silly and sweet. Ann & Michael have created for me, my husband, our son a family that we never thought we would find living here in B-town. They have provided us with a financial stability and an atmosphere that allows us to be with our son, close to our son when we need to be, no questions asked. Beyond that the entire May/St John family has become an integral part of my extended family.
Without having known Zachary even briefly I would not be grateful for every moment I have for myself, with my husband and most especially with my baby. I feel honored to know this family, who held up in such a way that it makes me question how I would be if I were put through the same situation for two years. I am honored to have known Zachary. I hope that like many I will take that little part of Zachary into the world and do good with it, in his honor. That I will teach my son to be as honorable, thankful and charming as Zachary was in life. That is the legacy I hope to share by knowing Zachary in life and in his death...
Showing posts with label Zach. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zach. Show all posts
Monday, May 5, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
A Million Little Pieces
I cried yesterday. All the way home. And today to be honest. Our boss, their entire family was in Omaha for a week. Zachary was near death but then seemingly a miracle. It seemed he turned another corner. They were taking him off the respirator and he was breathing on his own by bits. He was heavily sedated so almost coma like but it seemed like things were getting better. The family has returned home over the past two days because they felt like he was going to be okay, for now. They were not going to need to say good bye this week. Ann came in yesterday and called a meeting. She had us forward our phones and end our day early. This has never happened. This was not right. We received this email from her this morning:
"Yesterday Zachary was tested for 7 skin irritations that he had on his skin. When Dr. Vose reported them today she said that he had a fungus in his blood that will travel to all of his organs.
It is fatal. They do not expect him to live to the end of May.
They are doing everything possible to make him comfortable. He is still unconscious and will likely remain in that state."
If my heart was hurting about this person before it is now broken into a million little pieces. This boy who rode his bike from Indiana to NYC to help with the clean up efforts after 9-11. Who was compelled by what he saw in NYC to join the army and go to Iraq for a painstaking year and a half. Who survived these things and came out with a new better understanding of the world. Who found the love of his life on the deserts of Iraq and married her. Who was vivacious and strong, handsome and kind who will have his life end because of a fungus... to his blood... at the age of 27.
I cannot help but pull Matthew to me, to hug him and know life is dear and precious. To enjoy each moment with Matthew because you just never know. You never suspect what could be awaiting you or your child's fate around the corner. Zachary and his zest for life even in the face of all that he has endured the past few years has in all seriousness lifted me up. Humbled me. Made me remember that my minor aches and troubles are small in comparison to the things other people have to do and live with. That I am strong and can do what I want when I put my mind to it. He probably has no idea he did this for me. That he was a constant reminder to me to shut up about the small things that seemed so big because my goodness there were others out there having it so much harder then I have ever had in my life. I will never forget this person who did not know he made that difference in my life. That is why I cry for him, for his family, for his young wife and all that she has endured during her 1st 2 years of marriage.
Ann wrote this as well from a David Grey song:
'Now the flood gates cannot hold
all my sorrow all my rage
tear drops fall from every page.
Meet me on the other side.'
"Yesterday Zachary was tested for 7 skin irritations that he had on his skin. When Dr. Vose reported them today she said that he had a fungus in his blood that will travel to all of his organs.
It is fatal. They do not expect him to live to the end of May.
They are doing everything possible to make him comfortable. He is still unconscious and will likely remain in that state."
If my heart was hurting about this person before it is now broken into a million little pieces. This boy who rode his bike from Indiana to NYC to help with the clean up efforts after 9-11. Who was compelled by what he saw in NYC to join the army and go to Iraq for a painstaking year and a half. Who survived these things and came out with a new better understanding of the world. Who found the love of his life on the deserts of Iraq and married her. Who was vivacious and strong, handsome and kind who will have his life end because of a fungus... to his blood... at the age of 27.
I cannot help but pull Matthew to me, to hug him and know life is dear and precious. To enjoy each moment with Matthew because you just never know. You never suspect what could be awaiting you or your child's fate around the corner. Zachary and his zest for life even in the face of all that he has endured the past few years has in all seriousness lifted me up. Humbled me. Made me remember that my minor aches and troubles are small in comparison to the things other people have to do and live with. That I am strong and can do what I want when I put my mind to it. He probably has no idea he did this for me. That he was a constant reminder to me to shut up about the small things that seemed so big because my goodness there were others out there having it so much harder then I have ever had in my life. I will never forget this person who did not know he made that difference in my life. That is why I cry for him, for his family, for his young wife and all that she has endured during her 1st 2 years of marriage.
Ann wrote this as well from a David Grey song:
'Now the flood gates cannot hold
all my sorrow all my rage
tear drops fall from every page.
Meet me on the other side.'
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Team Zachary
I have been feeling very out of sorts. There are various reasons for this. I feel tired more so now then I ever did during the 1st trimester of this pregnancy. I barely sleep most nights. During the past few weeks my sleep has been riddled with worries and thoughts about stupid things I did or said on any given day and frantic thoughts about work/income/a new baby coming in to rock my world.
I have been off. I have not been feeling like myself at all. I am frustrated by this lack of self which I lost at some point during my pregnancy with Matthew and it took me a VERY long time to regain myself after giving birth. I cannot really even put into words how I am feeling. The best way has already been said, I just do not feel like myself.
I am needy, distrustful, nervous, tired, short tempered, you name it that is me. I do not like it. I do not like not being myself. After a long and thoughtful conversation with myself (what you do not talk to yourself?!??!) at midnight last night I am taking charge and not letting this get out of hand any longer... Now I am tired but trying to have a good attitude about the exhaustion. Just bear with me if I continue to seem vague, out of sorts or you know put my big fat foot in my mouth. Hopefully, now that I am done traveling I can get back to the regular routines of life, things will smooth out emotionally for me.
As some of you have read, I have told in short the story of Zachary. He is the son of the owners of the company I work for. He is 26 years old and for the past two years has been fighting not one but two kinds of cancer. He is not doing well at all. He has had two stem cell transplants. One was with his own and it did not work. He matched with two donors which is amazing and had a 2nd one a few weeks back. He is in a serious state. This young man truly has courage, faith and strength that my whimpering above puts to shame. If you met Zach, you would like him instantly this I can assure you.
Ann, the owner of the company, writes email updates on Zachary as often as she can. This morning she wrote this and it struck a cord with me:
"I have learned so many lessons from this journey. One of them is that the idea that there are people who give and another group of people who receive is just a silly, silly concept. Everybody gives and everybody receives. Life is about circulation. I can assure you that those who are perceived as 'having much' have received the most. Circulation keeps us all healthy, connected and free of the illusion that somehow we have independently created all that we have or are."
She also wrote: 'He looks horrible. He has lost a significant amount of weight. He has over a thousand blisters covering his body that make picking up a tissue painful. He will never be able to go out into the sun because of the radiation damage to his skin. And it not the case that we know if we are winning (against the cancer.) Not until the end of May when they test him again will they have any idea if the cancer is dying.' She said through all this Zach told her:
You can click on this Team Zachary link and go to the University of Nebraska Foundation website where you can contribute by credit card: www.nufoundation.org/teamzachary.
Please pass this along to anyone you know who might be interested to learn more or give to such a cause. And finally without giving anything financially please keep Zach in your thoughts because he sure could use them.
I have been off. I have not been feeling like myself at all. I am frustrated by this lack of self which I lost at some point during my pregnancy with Matthew and it took me a VERY long time to regain myself after giving birth. I cannot really even put into words how I am feeling. The best way has already been said, I just do not feel like myself.
I am needy, distrustful, nervous, tired, short tempered, you name it that is me. I do not like it. I do not like not being myself. After a long and thoughtful conversation with myself (what you do not talk to yourself?!??!) at midnight last night I am taking charge and not letting this get out of hand any longer... Now I am tired but trying to have a good attitude about the exhaustion. Just bear with me if I continue to seem vague, out of sorts or you know put my big fat foot in my mouth. Hopefully, now that I am done traveling I can get back to the regular routines of life, things will smooth out emotionally for me.
As some of you have read, I have told in short the story of Zachary. He is the son of the owners of the company I work for. He is 26 years old and for the past two years has been fighting not one but two kinds of cancer. He is not doing well at all. He has had two stem cell transplants. One was with his own and it did not work. He matched with two donors which is amazing and had a 2nd one a few weeks back. He is in a serious state. This young man truly has courage, faith and strength that my whimpering above puts to shame. If you met Zach, you would like him instantly this I can assure you.
Ann, the owner of the company, writes email updates on Zachary as often as she can. This morning she wrote this and it struck a cord with me:
"I have learned so many lessons from this journey. One of them is that the idea that there are people who give and another group of people who receive is just a silly, silly concept. Everybody gives and everybody receives. Life is about circulation. I can assure you that those who are perceived as 'having much' have received the most. Circulation keeps us all healthy, connected and free of the illusion that somehow we have independently created all that we have or are."
She also wrote: 'He looks horrible. He has lost a significant amount of weight. He has over a thousand blisters covering his body that make picking up a tissue painful. He will never be able to go out into the sun because of the radiation damage to his skin. And it not the case that we know if we are winning (against the cancer.) Not until the end of May when they test him again will they have any idea if the cancer is dying.' She said through all this Zach told her:
"Ann," he said, "from this situation I want to find more compassion and help people."
See what I mean about this young man?
If you have not given to a cause this year & are looking for a way to contribute consider doing this for research that can one day help someone you love or even just read about on some random blog. Please consider joining with his family, through the month of April, in a campaign to further support the extraordinary cancer research being conducted by the team at the University of Nebraska.
You can click on this Team Zachary link and go to the University of Nebraska Foundation website where you can contribute by credit card: www.nufoundation.org/teamzachary.
Please pass this along to anyone you know who might be interested to learn more or give to such a cause. And finally without giving anything financially please keep Zach in your thoughts because he sure could use them.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
PMS and all that
Can you tell I was "PMS"ing, yo? On the post below...
PSM = Sobbing in the darkened bathroom 1st thing in the morning with big mascarey tears and all which also = telling the world about it on a blog (all four of you who spend the time reading my sad hormone fueled post...) AND I am off to Kroger to get some me some candy corn to make everything feel better. I was going to work out but fuck that... who needs a work out when it is candy corn season?!
Another reason for my dark mood has to do with cancer. No, I do not have cancer. I would not announce something like that in this manner... I am talking about this cancer... It is bleak. It was looking good for a little while and Zach was supposed to under go radiation this week to further reduce ONE tumor. But the scan he had last week showed that all of the cancer (several larger tumors) are back and, likely, I got the sense these tumors are much worse than before the stem cell replacement and high dose chemo that almost killed him to begin with but did also seem to worked.
Zack spent about two months in Omaha NE at the best place for someone with his kind of cancer getting all of the above mentioned treatments. They are going back to see if there is anything else they can do. It feels today like cancer is going to defeat him and that just makes me sad. If you knew Zack and his family you would know why. SO my mood is as gloomy as the weather... Also, this may seem odd, but my thoughts always turn to Matthew whenever things with Zach do not look good. I think 'OMG what am I doing wasting this precious time working because what if in 23 years we are at these dire cross roads...' ACK. And that makes me all weepy and teary and I write long tomes about what a craptastic day I am having and how life seems so bleak - POOR ME...
Then I kick my own ass and remember that Zach is Zach. That whatever happens to him, he is blessed and cared for and loved and that will not stop... SO today I will go home and be calmer and I will not let the hair pulling and open hostile defiance get to me. I will just smile because who knows what will happen in the future and also, this too shall pass (with Matthew) - no matter how I feel from the bottom (or the top) of my heart, I love Matthew and that is all that counts every single day.
PSM = Sobbing in the darkened bathroom 1st thing in the morning with big mascarey tears and all which also = telling the world about it on a blog (all four of you who spend the time reading my sad hormone fueled post...) AND I am off to Kroger to get some me some candy corn to make everything feel better. I was going to work out but fuck that... who needs a work out when it is candy corn season?!
Another reason for my dark mood has to do with cancer. No, I do not have cancer. I would not announce something like that in this manner... I am talking about this cancer... It is bleak. It was looking good for a little while and Zach was supposed to under go radiation this week to further reduce ONE tumor. But the scan he had last week showed that all of the cancer (several larger tumors) are back and, likely, I got the sense these tumors are much worse than before the stem cell replacement and high dose chemo that almost killed him to begin with but did also seem to worked.
Zack spent about two months in Omaha NE at the best place for someone with his kind of cancer getting all of the above mentioned treatments. They are going back to see if there is anything else they can do. It feels today like cancer is going to defeat him and that just makes me sad. If you knew Zack and his family you would know why. SO my mood is as gloomy as the weather... Also, this may seem odd, but my thoughts always turn to Matthew whenever things with Zach do not look good. I think 'OMG what am I doing wasting this precious time working because what if in 23 years we are at these dire cross roads...' ACK. And that makes me all weepy and teary and I write long tomes about what a craptastic day I am having and how life seems so bleak - POOR ME...
Then I kick my own ass and remember that Zach is Zach. That whatever happens to him, he is blessed and cared for and loved and that will not stop... SO today I will go home and be calmer and I will not let the hair pulling and open hostile defiance get to me. I will just smile because who knows what will happen in the future and also, this too shall pass (with Matthew) - no matter how I feel from the bottom (or the top) of my heart, I love Matthew and that is all that counts every single day.
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