Thursday, November 1, 2007

Does size really matter?

I have mentioned in the past my 'er' um "struggle" with losing the dreaded last 10 lbs of what I still refer to as "baby weight" 2.5 years AFTER giving birth to my son... yeah whatever, it cannot be the gross amounts of sweets I consume on a weekly basis or the large amount of pizza we inhale at least once a week every week since Matthew was born. WHATEVA!

I have come this sort of Zen place about it all. I tried Weight Watchers for a time. It is valuable that Weight Watchers thing but it was just not 'my thing'. I used to be meticulous and able to track things like what I eat - and likely if I need WWs in the past I would have loved the point system, the watching of the calories, the whole fiber thang it has going on. I also actually really loved the meetings - I would do WWs just to be with such a lovely group of women and men. But it was not for me. I never had the time or energy to really get the points written down and because I was on the low end of the scale I was literally starved all the time so I would end up stuffing my face full of food in one sitting thus totally defeating the point system.

I did re-learn the process for thinking about what I ought to be eating. I slowed down on my consumption of baked goods and little itsy bitsy cutely wrapped candies (candy corn SO does not count here and of course LAST NIGHT DOES NOT COUNT, thank you very much;) I gave up the huge BBC bagel with cream cheese that awaits me at work every Wednesday. I started to work out without much consistency but I still started to do that again. I also realized that the number on the scale was what it was. I likely will not be 115 lbs again and if I am well holy shit pat on the back to me.

And in most ways I do not care as much as I once did. I am enjoying life and all the lovely food options it has to offer (or more importantly that I can make because OMG it is so flipping fun to learn more about how to cook/bake - even if Kevin hated the mac n cheese - this will not deter me!!! Though I am still sort of on a ban from cooking since we have either eaten out or Kevin has made a crock pot that we nosh on for two days at a time - gotta love the crock pot!!!) I do not want to spend my waking hours overwrought with worry over the food I place in mouth or how long I will need to workout to lose the weight.

And I am learning to adjust. For the longest time I thought I need to go workout. I thought anything less than a 2 hour workout was stupid - I was a distance swimmer and really just a swimmer - for me a workout was always 2+ hours no matter what... I thought that eating healthy was just a natural thing for me. None of this is true - it just what I thought I believed in order to get myself to do things in the past.

Today, I am learning to enjoy an occasional lunch time workout that just makes me feel better, not because I have expectations to lose the weight. Or a quick workout on the recumbent bike in the basement for 20 minutes in the evening. But mostly if I do not workout, I run like the wind with Matthew. He is my ultimate workout. He keeps me going and would never stop unless we told him to. And I know that it is okay to eat what I want some times without starving. Matthew does not want a cranky skinny overly toned mother - he wants me to be happy and friendly and loving - if that means that as a happy friendly loving mommy I am slightly squishy that is okay by me!

At the end of the day, I may lose the 10 lbs or I may not (this is the Zen part in case you missed it.) When I went pants shopping a couple of weekends ago (I have been holding off on writing this post because I wanted to be sure it was true!), I was excited to learn I was down another size which if you are keeping count (and OMG I hope you are not) that is two sizes down from last fall. I could care a less what the scale says because it was more fun to try on this size only to find it fit! What a moment! And for me, I was living in this other size. I was size X and maybe size Y but it turns out I was actually size Z and that just rocks!

On a side note (and most unrelated aside perhaps from the Zen thing mentioned above), I did not get to see the Dalai lama when he came to town last week (so bummed...) but I learned about this new movie that was made called 10 Questions with the Dalai lama which we just received from Netflix and I am very excited to watch it this weekend. I am in the midst of watching Blades of Glory - BOO HISS to this movie. I thought it might be as good as Talladega Nights but not so much... Never thought I would mention the Dalai lama and Will Farrell in the same paragraph ever... I digress.

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