Woulda, coulda, shoulda...

So the on going saga that is my weight continues. I must be honest here. I want to lose the baby fat from two years ago before I even consider getting pregnant again. I have half heartedly tried here and there to get in shape and eat better but I am sort of like a smoker - I just keep doing the same stuff all the while promising myself that tomorrow, next week, next month I will quit.

I am addicted to these thoughts and perhaps I am enjoying the failure more then I ought to be. I mean with every forbidden food and week after week of no exercise I am secretly reveling in it. I love ice cream and pizza and ooey gooey brownies oh my. I cannot tell a lie. Gawd, those things make salads and veggies and lean healthy chicken pale in comparison and if you think other wise you need to check yourself or at least be honest with yourself that being fit and thin is kinda boring.

I read magazine and websites (and even an occasional book) about how to lose weight and it is really very simple. Eat a certain kind of diet and exercise (and thinking about exercise does not really count... aww shucks...) Really the truth of the matter, the real honest to god feelings I have - if I work my ass of to lose the weight and then turn around and get pregnant, I will just gain all the weight back plus some and four years from now you will be reading this very same damned post.

Now I know you are thinking but it does not have to be that way and I could not agree more. When I started pregnancy with Matthew I totally believed that to be pregnant did not mean gaining weight. How naive of me! Because it does not ... if you are freakin' hard core. And I did/do not have the time or energy to be that way. I did work out from time to time but I did what was best for my body through out the pregnancy. If I was tired, I slept. If I needed a break from working out, I did. When they told me I was under weight when I started the pregnancy, I brilliantly gained 40 lbs (granted some of that was water weight gain, for real.)

I am not a celebrity on top of all of this. I will not be modelling swim wear or running a bloody marathon after having a baby. Ever. I will be breast feeding my ass off and eating. And probably not exercising. And so here we are 27 months later, I am still 15 (maybe 20 - who's counting?!) pounds overweight. After pounding down the last of my Hagen Daas last evening and trying to grow a couch off my ass while watching riveting Hell's Kitchen and other trashy TV, I know a change is in order. I know I feel terrible a lot of the time because I am not being healthy but changing is so gosh darned hard.

I laugh because people have said do it for Matthew. Yeah, like Matthew cares about the size of derrière. He does not and never will. AND I know I should be setting a good example and I do. In front of Matthew I hardly ever eat junk food. It is the super secret after bed time eating that is killing me so I am setting a good example for Matthew by eating healthy with him and around him and we play and walk and run and jump - I am not FAT by any stretch of the imagination. This is about me. Not Matthew. I want to lose the weight for me. I want to selfishly fit back into my size 4 pants before I have to slip back into maternity wear (about 45 seconds after becoming pregnant from what I understand from those mommies who have had a 2nd pregnancy).

Next week, when my colleague, Dan, returns from vacation I will be joining him at Weight Watchers. I figure I need to start somewhere and doing it on my own is not working any more. Weight Watchers will remind about portion size and I will have to report to a higher authority - the all mighty PUBLIC scale. It is my final attempt at weight lose and getting fit before considering that SECOND baby. If I do not lose the weight, it will be okay. I will live and laugh and just not eat as much as the first time around and if I do, I will enjoy all of it because that is what pregnancy is all about - enjoying the process without feeling bad because the end product is a healthy, happy bouncing bundle of (GIRL) baby joy!

Top Half or Bottom Half of the Muffin?

Muffin top... grr I am not a fan of this term. I like to think of it as the skin and fat my body needed to support a baby. Okay so with M I had this extra skin and fat for almost two years before I decided to take action. AND I still had ten lbs of weight to lose before I became pregnant again. Okay, so yeah I just do not like muffin top because I SO HAVE IT, UGH.

Over the weekend, a particularly stressful weekend where I ate like crap, I decided to make an effort a little sooner this time. I have a goal in mind - nothing too difficult. It entails the fact that I am turning THIRTY FIVE in November. I am sort of in awe that I am going to be half way through my 30s in a few months but that is neither here nor there (or a whole other post entirely ;) I figure that is a solid goal for weight loss.

I gained 40 lbs with this pregnancy PLUS the 10 lbs I never lost from my pregnancy with M. I begrudgingly got on the scale the other day and lo I have lost 24 lbs of the 40! Which totally rocks but I know this rapid weight loss tapers off soon, or it did for me the first time.

Nursing did not keep the weight off as promised plus when I tried to lose weight with M the first time my milk supply dipped rapidly so I went with that and decided it meant I could eat anything. I dove into everything bad from ice cream to high fat granola even regular fat yogurt. It was sort of frightening how unhealthy I was for the first two years of M's life. My milk on the other hand was apparently HIGHLY nutritious as M was at the top of the charts in height/weight despite the fact that he spit 90% of the milk up without fail every time he nursed.

ANY WHO, so my goal is to get down to the weight I was prior to getting pregnant with Miss Pancake. This would mean I would still have 10 lbs to go beyond that to get back to what I was before M was born but I am looking at baby steps. SO that means I would need to lose 16 lbs between now and November 11th. I was also considering training for something like a fall 5k race whether I run or walk it is still a question mark but right now I am going to start small.

I was recently thrilled to discover that with our cable network we have this On Demand thing. On Demand has section called the Free Spot. And on the Free spot there is a section called Exercise TV!!! I can choose from numerous workouts so I can do most everything while I am home in addition to the recumbent bike, the exercise ball and some weights we have in the basement. I hoping that will get me on the road to being fit and healthy again.

The hardest part of this situation will be giving up junk food. I am in love with eating certain things especially sweets right now. Since I cannot exactly exercise just yet I figure I work on the diet side of things while just doing some light weights. Actually the hardest part of this will be finding the time to exercise on top of taking care of two kiddos, working, keeping up the house, etc... I know being healthy has always been the lowest priority for me since I had M. I know it is important but spending time with my kiddos is #1, then work & home then me. I am trying make this list a bit more equalized this time so I am not always last...

Goals. Ugh, writing them makes them real no? Accountable? Oy. Okay well I am off to find those weights and do some lunges. Wish me luck, eh?

Doula Molly

I ran into our doula, Molly, on my way out of Bloomingfoods on Saturday. It is always fabulous to see Molly because she reminds me of Matthew and all that is good about April 19th (Matthew's birth day!) Molly is always so funny - obviously when you allow someone into your birth room, it changes your relationship with them. She said something to me that stuck in my craw - that actually intrigued me enough to write about her. She said when mothers take classes at BABS (B-town Area Birth Services - the hippie dippy regime here in B-town that offers information on all things baby - it rocks but man do they take a pretty hard line on babies over all...) she sees people around town and they will stop her and say hi. She always has to think hard about who is who because she always sees women when they are REALLY pregnant. They look different and to her - she said they actually look emaciated after birth.

Doula Molly's little flip comment struck me because I have been doing a lot of "mental" prep for next year. I want to plan and prepare for this next pregnancy the way I never had a chance to with Matthew. It is interesting how we perceive ourselves while pregnant. We believe we look horrible and even when someone delivers a compliment to us we doubt it because 'Great Scot, I look like the bloody Good Year Blimp and how can you miss that?!' But truly we look normal. We look the way we are supposed to as pregnant women. We look FULL of life.

I gained weight during my first pregnancy. I found myself 172.5-173 during the last six-eight weeks of a pregnancy. I mostly ate what I wanted within reason - let me note: I do not eat fast foods and I am not a big fan of junk food per say. When I say I ate what I wanted I mostly enjoyed all the fresh cheeses, high fat yogurts, breads, and frozen dessert treats I wanted. Things I only allowed myself pre-pregnancy on very special occasions. I ate larger portions then I did pre -pregnancy but I listened to my body and it was asking for that - seriously. I would eat a normal portion and I would be dizzy, cranky and irritable if I did not eat more. My body needed more! I gained weight because my body needed to - I was underweight when I started my pregnancy and I never looked back. I worked out VERY moderately and generally tried not to fret about weight gain during and even after. Basically, until I stopped breast feeding essentially which was at around the time Matthew was 20-21 months old.

The interesting thing is that while I gained close to 58 pounds during the 1st pregnancy - it was quickly removed afterward. Not only that but I looked good. I looked great in fact! I did not see it at the time but I had a round happy glowing look (okay some of that was the glow of acne which I suffered with from the moment I conceived...) I also lost 20 lbs about 12.5 seconds after Matthew was born and within weeks of birth I was down to 140. Sure I gained weight but I also gained what I needed to and then I STOPPED gaining weight. I topped out at 173 and never went over. It was actually quite amazing to watch the scale during pregnancy. I thought there was no end to the weight gain but there was.

When Molly said post pregnancy women look emaciated after birth, they do. They are no longer supporting life within them. Their bodies are beginning the slow road to recovery from supporting that life. More to the point, it is a beautiful amazing thing to carry a baby in your body and we do not look "fat", we look amazing.

As we are heading toward fall, I am getting more excited for 2008. I am looking forward to beginning this next phase of our lives. The expansion of our family. There is so much to look forward to in 2008... hopefully a new baby, a new car, updates to our house, my job and life with 2 versus 1.

I was not fully sure about having 2 for a very long time but after seeing Molly... after thinking hard about all that is wonderful about having a baby... That pensive worry in the pit of my stomach is slowly easing up. We have a plan and we are working our plan. I am thrilled and excited for the coming year... and hopefully Molly will be there again to share that joy!

Does size really matter?

I have mentioned in the past my 'er' um "struggle" with losing the dreaded last 10 lbs of what I still refer to as "baby weight" 2.5 years AFTER giving birth to my son... yeah whatever, it cannot be the gross amounts of sweets I consume on a weekly basis or the large amount of pizza we inhale at least once a week every week since Matthew was born. WHATEVA!

I have come this sort of Zen place about it all. I tried Weight Watchers for a time. It is valuable that Weight Watchers thing but it was just not 'my thing'. I used to be meticulous and able to track things like what I eat - and likely if I need WWs in the past I would have loved the point system, the watching of the calories, the whole fiber thang it has going on. I also actually really loved the meetings - I would do WWs just to be with such a lovely group of women and men. But it was not for me. I never had the time or energy to really get the points written down and because I was on the low end of the scale I was literally starved all the time so I would end up stuffing my face full of food in one sitting thus totally defeating the point system.

I did re-learn the process for thinking about what I ought to be eating. I slowed down on my consumption of baked goods and little itsy bitsy cutely wrapped candies (candy corn SO does not count here and of course LAST NIGHT DOES NOT COUNT, thank you very much;) I gave up the huge BBC bagel with cream cheese that awaits me at work every Wednesday. I started to work out without much consistency but I still started to do that again. I also realized that the number on the scale was what it was. I likely will not be 115 lbs again and if I am well holy shit pat on the back to me.

And in most ways I do not care as much as I once did. I am enjoying life and all the lovely food options it has to offer (or more importantly that I can make because OMG it is so flipping fun to learn more about how to cook/bake - even if Kevin hated the mac n cheese - this will not deter me!!! Though I am still sort of on a ban from cooking since we have either eaten out or Kevin has made a crock pot that we nosh on for two days at a time - gotta love the crock pot!!!) I do not want to spend my waking hours overwrought with worry over the food I place in mouth or how long I will need to workout to lose the weight.

And I am learning to adjust. For the longest time I thought I need to go workout. I thought anything less than a 2 hour workout was stupid - I was a distance swimmer and really just a swimmer - for me a workout was always 2+ hours no matter what... I thought that eating healthy was just a natural thing for me. None of this is true - it just what I thought I believed in order to get myself to do things in the past.

Today, I am learning to enjoy an occasional lunch time workout that just makes me feel better, not because I have expectations to lose the weight. Or a quick workout on the recumbent bike in the basement for 20 minutes in the evening. But mostly if I do not workout, I run like the wind with Matthew. He is my ultimate workout. He keeps me going and would never stop unless we told him to. And I know that it is okay to eat what I want some times without starving. Matthew does not want a cranky skinny overly toned mother - he wants me to be happy and friendly and loving - if that means that as a happy friendly loving mommy I am slightly squishy that is okay by me!

At the end of the day, I may lose the 10 lbs or I may not (this is the Zen part in case you missed it.) When I went pants shopping a couple of weekends ago (I have been holding off on writing this post because I wanted to be sure it was true!), I was excited to learn I was down another size which if you are keeping count (and OMG I hope you are not) that is two sizes down from last fall. I could care a less what the scale says because it was more fun to try on this size only to find it fit! What a moment! And for me, I was living in this other size. I was size X and maybe size Y but it turns out I was actually size Z and that just rocks!

On a side note (and most unrelated aside perhaps from the Zen thing mentioned above), I did not get to see the Dalai lama when he came to town last week (so bummed...) but I learned about this new movie that was made called 10 Questions with the Dalai lama which we just received from Netflix and I am very excited to watch it this weekend. I am in the midst of watching Blades of Glory - BOO HISS to this movie. I thought it might be as good as Talladega Nights but not so much... Never thought I would mention the Dalai lama and Will Farrell in the same paragraph ever... I digress.

The NEW me.

So I have been thinking long and hard this weekend. After several attempts (very MINOR) at trying to lose baby weight I decided to put it in black and white here (so I can be held accountable.) I decided after Matthew was born that I did not want to go out and be all 'celebrity' (ha-ha) and lose that baby weight like . Plus when I did try to lose weight post Matthew my milk supply instantly dipped so I waited. I was actually a really happy woman - I ate what I wanted and did not mind being four sizes bigger then I was pre pregnancy. At his 1st birthday I was like 'yeah I gonna do this' then I realized 'no I am not'. Still nursing, hello milk supply dipping again so I continued to enjoy eating like a little piggy and being larger then usual.

Now as I approach his second birthday and having fully completed the nursing process after 20 months, I am ready to shed the 13 pounds I feel I would need to be back to lose in order to get where I was pre-baby. I figure I can do this by September 2007 because that is about 2 lbs (give or take some) each month. I know I can do this and if anything, I will get rid of the "arms that wave in the wind" and the belly that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly (I am Santa to Matthew but I don't wanna be Santa like that!) I am really happy with my weight loss to date and I am also glad I took my time. I decided early on in the pregnancy phase of things I was going to enjoy the process and be me. BUT now I would like to wear some of the clothes I wore pre-pregnancy OR get over it and get them out of my closet.

That is the goal - if I do not, cannot, will not lose the weight I dumping my closet out and starting over! Sounds like fun, eh? Yeah, Kevin may not want to read this post then! LOL! At any rate, I figure I can easily work out 5-6 times a week at work and one weekend day. Also, with spring/summer coming, I will be able to 'workout' twice a day most days (with walks after work!), I ought to be able to manage this. I walked around a tiny part of the new neighborhood today and it is great! Lots of places to walk including a trail near by and it is so quiet and peaceful there! Also, I believe Kevin & I will be purchasing some workout equipment this summer so that will also help. I AM EXCITED about this (for real!) It will feel good to do it and have a goal in mind (you know either fit into old clothes OR buy new ones!) Now I am being held accountable by you all, so I will try to report in on how things are going. The true test will be during the next few weeks as we move and adjust to the new house.

PS: Matthew cut his FIRST molar! HIP HIP HOORAY. I felt it this morning - jagged little edge jutting out. I wept with joy, only three and half more to go. OMG, and he will be two in one month from tomorrow!!! More on the party plans to follow. The B-day celebration will be held on April 21st so keep your calendars open informally!

What is a person to do?

OR why I watch too much shitty TV? Or why am bothering to pay Weight Watchers a crap load of money to get fatter?

I could not decide what to watch last night: Big Brother or Biggest Loser. I was left going back and forth between the two - I had serious remote finger!

I now know that Lezlye (weirdest most horrible spelling of that name I have ever seen - lye, isn't that a nasty smelling soap? And well my 12 year old mind set in on Lez but whatever...) was voted out from the Red Team. Also, the black team is a new twist and WTH is up with Ali Sweeney as the hostess? I mean did she loss her gig on Days? Or did she just have too much time on her hands? Hmm probably not according to this... Kevin said she looks like the old hostess only younger and thinner...

And Dick won Big Brother. I just want to know if Daniele and Nick hooked up after? Is that bad? Or what is worse - that I know who Daniele and Nick are and what their relationship is like to even consider whether they might hook up...

Yeah so then I watched LA Ink. The last time I read a book it was Harry Potter (can you hear the brain cells exploding?!) I cannot seem to finish any of the ten books I have started that would actually provide me with some intellectual stimulation. Hell, I cannot even make my way through the latest copy of Parenting magazine. Halloween will have come and gone by that time.

Oddly enough it does not hurt - it, you ask? The IT I am referring to is my brain. Why is that when we lose brain cells, that does not hurt? But when I try to exercise... okay let's be honest here - when I walk too much, does it hurt so badly??? Also, why when I am trying to lose weight do all food items that are decidedly unhealthy seem really tasty? And I cannot stop myself from eating them thus gaining more weight than before I started trying to lose weight. See also NOT exercising at all...

I have to say that there will be no transition to this next topic - how many people do I know who are having BOY babies? That would be SIX people. All have had the ultra sound that says so. I am really excited by this since when we had Matthew we felt like the only people on earth with a baby boy. I know, I know it is not true because now there are WAY more boys than girls that we know but still. This may not bode well for me and my desire to have baby girl that I can shower in pink frou frou-ness that I SO long and desire for! Eh, well.

SO here is a big shout out (is that even cool to do anymore????!) and big HIP HIP HOORAY for my friend, Jen from Detroit - she just found out she is going to be a mommy to a baby boy. Rude Cactus and So the Fish Said just found out they are having a little boy and their daughter, Mia, has named her future brother Banana Froggie (okay that is just cute!) Due any day (as in her due date is TODAY) is my friend, Christine, and she is having a little boy who I believe will be named Logan Robert. Also, due shortly with BOYS are A Piece of Cake and the Myers. I cannot wait to find out what Sundry is having - she has a little boy already so we shall see whether Kelly's theory is true - everyone is having an opposite of their first! This is a test of that theory!

Babies babies every where - what is a person to do??? (evil laughter - made you think didn't I?!)

OH BTW, A summary of our trip ended up being posted after the In Short... I started writing before the In Short one but did not have time to finish so I saved it in edit... WHY am I explaining this to you?! Ah, just read it if you like!

Really Random

I had my six week post partum exam on Thursday and I am officially healed (I could have told you this without the appointment but the appointment was already paid for so what the heck, right?) We discussed birth control again and I decided to try that ring thing. Has anyone else used this kind of birth control? I am a little leery of it over all and of course the caveat to birth control is a decreased milk supply when nursing... this could be a good thing in my case. Mostly I am freaked about hormones and nursing.

M is totally into super heroes. It was rather cute at first but now like construction equipment and trains, I am sort of over it.

The cool thing about his new love of Batman is that he has taught himself to "read". He memorized a book called 'I am Batman' and can "read" the whole thing himself. However, I think we trotted that talent out one to many times because he now refuses to do it. He still knows all the words to several books and I can see him moving his lips as I read a book. I am SO excited for him to learn to read by himself - I think he will love being able to read his own books and I think it will be fun to let him read to me now rather then the other way around because HOLY CRAP it is SO cute to hear my kid read a book!

Miss Pancake started tracking people and objects really well recently. I think she could probably do this about a week ago but I just noticed it earlier this week.

Don't you hate it when the tornado sirens go off and it looks perfectly clear outside? Yet, still tornado sirens = FREAKED THE FUCK RIGHT OUT!!! I will never get used to them it seems!

I am down to 142 in weight. I have not been doing crap to lose weight. In fact I have seen a slight uptick in crappy eating the past couple of days (which would coincide with my in laws arriving...) I am now 12 pounds from my goal weight of 130. However I did the math and I would need to lose 2 lbs a week for the next six weeks to make it to 130 by my birthday... I am not sure I can do that because I am not making the time to work nor am I eating properly. This is not a concession by any means but I am trying to be realistic about the situation.

I went to Target today. I hate the college students in our college town. It is official. I was seriously run over by several today. Two different girls in the same group walked right in front of the stroller like they did not see it and did not even offer an apology - they actually did not even look. They roam around in packs like wolves and quite frankly most of them seem a bit snotty. On the flip side, I am totally entertained by the conversations that I am privy to. Cracks me right the hell up.

Finally, dear over tanned halfed naked girl from the East coast - if your credit card is declined do not keep trying to get it to go through while you bitch to your mother on your iPhone about how she needed to transfer $250 today, not tomorrow. Just walk away - it is ONLY an ugly brown canvas hamper. Ha, and I am glad you did not get your stupid hamper because you never even apologized to me or even offered me sad eyes about the fact that your were LETTTING MY BABY CRY... while your credit card was declined FIVE times... SIGH. I was committed to the check out at this point because I was holding said screaming baby in my arms trying to calm her!

I spent $100 bucks on I do not know what. I totally randomly rolled Miss Pancake around the store while she slept and packed stuff on top of the stroller. I would have spent WAY more (I was Christmas shopping) but I could not fit shit on the stroller. I bought a new diaper bag that is actually kind of nifty even though I really wanted a back pack diaper bag. The backpack diaper bag I wanted was $89 (and needed to be ordered online so it would have been even more) and the one I bought was only $29. I bought M some new shoes, a TP holder for the kid's bathroom, the rest of Miss Pancake's Halloween "costume", a new book, and a Batman toy for M. I was mostly trying to get a sense of what is in the toy world right now. M wants a scooter so that is what he will get. We also decided that we do not need more "stuff". I have this overwhelming need to cut back so we decided to limit the number of presents we get for each kid this year and we figure this is practical for the future as well. What are you all planning to get for kids for Christmas?

One more thing.

129, baby! I have not been under 130 since the third month of pregnancy. I thought it was a fluke at first but I did it. I am under and have been consistently for a whole week! I am SO freaking unbelievably excited... I even put on a pair of capri's that were too tight last year and they fit, loosely! OMG. OMG. OMG. I am down to a size 8, though not quite able to fit into most of the clothing in my closet from pre-pregnancy... I am actually looking forward to losing more weight, getting fit and looking/feeling good again :0

I’m feeling really good about this! The progress I have made is actually exciting! I know this isn’t on the level of say running a marathon or climbing Mt. Everest, but I am just proud, I guess. Until recently I thought I had lost it - the willpower to actually care about losing weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle because let's face it, I had other more important things to attend to. Not even a scary trip to the ER last year with heart pains set me straight! I have started this fight several times before but literally just ran out of steam (ha, no pun intended) to do it over the past two years... For me this is a good thing and it just reminds me that all things happen in good time. That if I would have pushed to lose the weight or get healthy before now that I would not have been ready. I am ready now and it is actually fun and exciting!

I Scream for Ice Cream (literally...)

I have found the culprit of my digestion issues. Ice cream. Sadly. SO I have given it up. COLD turkey. In lieu of that I made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. No indigestion issues there. Yum!!!

After having the great family sickness of 2008 a couple of weeks ago, I am trying to be good about what I eat and exercise. I fall short on the eating side of things opting for cookies, ice cream and chocolate whenever I can. At least I try to limit the consumption of these foods to once a day. As for the rest of the diet, I feel like I am doing C+ work maybe? I could be doing better.

One thing I have always done it keep a running tally of what I have eaten on a given day in my head and nothing carries forward. Just that day & that day only. Nothing serious like 4 oz of cheese, 6 carrots... just a little run though. Breakfast: cereal, skim milk, banana... okay what I can eat now? That kind of thing. It has helped me in the past and will likely always help me with "my diet". Generally if I eat something not so healthy at a given point in the day or I plan to eat something not so healthy I will opt for carrots as a snack versus a granola bar. It is game play - I actually think of it in terms of the food guides you see - how many veggies have I had? how many whole grains?, etc... It really works for me.

I struggle with this a bit more when pregnant for various reasons. The aforementioned (as in my previous post) lack of sleep & exhaustion to the point of just not caring and general impulse craving that cannot be beaten down because my mind obsesses over the food of interest for hours on end until I finally quiet the craving by giving in. Picture it (oh I love the Golden Girls!), all of this is taking place in the isles of Target or Kroger: 'Cadbury eggs. Mmmm. Chocolaty goodness. MMMMM. Creamy filling. MMMMMMMMMM... MUST HAVE EGGS - OUT OF MY WAY BITCH I NEED THAT EGG NOW. (crinkle crinkle) Ah.'

The workout side of things has been going well from my point of view. I do something at least 3-4 times a week which is less then I would like to but what I feel I can do. With the weather warming up, I am looking forward to walking/jogging more outdoors. I am enjoying this aspect of pregnancy more this time around. With Matthew, I felt like a car wreck. My pelvis and hips ached and I limped. I did the recumbent bike on the easiest levels available and even that hurt. And I lifted machine weights until almost the end. I gained an obnoxious amount of weight for a 5'2" person which likely did not help the broken pelvis feeling...

This time I have been running! Which is crazy to me especially since I was scared to do that the first time for various reasons. Running has been great for me. I am also lifting free weights which is making me feel stronger then the machine weights ever did. When I exercise this time around I feel uplifted rather then beat down.

I also think doing acupuncture has made a huge difference. I have sung the praises of this before but seriously if you have an ailment that is nagging and you have tried everything from drugs to physical therapy to overpriced specialists in other cities - do acupuncture. It totally rocks! I just feel renewed all the time physically when I do it (besides, you know, the ice cream induced indigestion thing which knocked me on my proverbial arse...)

The truth be known I am gaining weight rapidly after all is said and done here. I have come to the conclusion it is what my body needs to do for the baby. The same way trying to lose weight to quickly after the baby came killed my milk supply briefly. I am enjoying pregnancy itself even with its ups and downs and despite a recent rash of downs I know they will pass. That I will alternately feel great and gross. But as along as I keep up on diet and exercise as best I can through this pregnancy at the end it will be worth it to me and princess pancake. That part I love!

Empowerment Vs. Failure

It has been a long strange month in our household. I have periodically cried, sighed in exhaustion & frustration, fallen sleep in the middle of my son's room and bed several times, and felt sorry for myself, my son and my husband because this evil bacteria entered our house and marked us with this hellish journey. I take solace in the fact that almost every parent I have spoken with has dealt with Hand, Foot, and Mouth (HFM) Disease and they expressed that it is indeed a hellish journey whether the kids are 12 months, 2 years, 3 years, 4... you get the idea. It is a rather inescapable fact of childhood these days apparently no matter what - I thought really if I were a stay at home parent this would not have happened but then I talked to several SAHMs who decried that falsehood. I was also told it is the chicken pox of this generation. Hip hip hooray (and boo hiss!)

But really this, what I am writing here, is not about that (the black plague for toddlers...) Nothing like jumping topics and my weak attempt at transitioning you from that paragraph to this topic.

A few weeks (months? Okay feels like freakin' years...) back I wrote about how I was going to get in shape, eat right and all that bull shit. We even bought a new exercise bike. I did that for oh about two weeks. Then I fell off the proverbial fitness wagon. I was exhausted all the time from work before the trip (and slightly nervous) so I indulged a little before. Then Seattle where I indulged A LOT. Finally, Matthew's illness - over board on the indulgence.

Then I weighed myself (my fatal error...) I knew it would not be good and mostly it was not the minor weight gain - it was the return of the flabby gut and arms and butt. It was a sad feeling I had in the pit of my stomach that I had failed myself. That was a failure at getting fit and eating healthy. Then it dawned on me VERY slowly as all things do for me - I was not a failure. In fact, I threw out that old voice that screamed in my head (it goes something like this - you fat lazy girl stop eating and get moving - it was that voice that drove me for so many years to hardly eat and exercise to unhealthy excesses.) I kicked that voice in the mouth -hee hee- and told it to STOP. Go away you bitchy pathetic little thing, I said to it.

I feel empowered today. I really have enjoyed life so much more then when I obsessed over every caloric ounce that entered by body, I enjoy cooking/baking much more because I do not worry about the amount of butter or salt that goes into the food - I just enjoy the food. I enjoy food so much more because I no longer berate myself with every bite (or drink.) I have found freedom from having to "work out". I love to work out but I felt beholden to the work out. It had lost its fun - it felt like I HAD to work out because I needed to be competitive but by losing that sense of competition (with who or what I cannot tell you... most likely and probably very surely that I would be the thinnest of them all... hahahahaaha...)

I have become a much calmer, happier person. Even though I am not physically as strong as I once was, I feel stronger in mind, body and spirit overall. I will not kick myself around for gaining weight or not sticking to some obscure regiment - I will merely enjoy my life and the body I was given by genetics.

I am not saying I am out eating McDonald's mostly because ick I hate McDonald's but I am not going to go about berating myself over a bowl of ice cream. I loved being pregnant because I knew that by eating healthy and working out as needed I was doing what was best for my body and baby. I have come to realize that the same goes for me post pregnancy. Mostly because I am less mentally wrapped up in me (because that is basically what all of that is about...) and I have more time to think and be thoughtful. That, my friends, means I am empowered and far from a failure but quite the opposite - I am stronger, more confident woman then I have ever been in my entire life - now that's empowered (so go to hell failure voice of unreason!)

I am hoping now that the HFM disease has left the house and we have finally found a happier day care alternative (and I am excited b/c I get to see my friend every day), I can get back on that wagon and I will start to see success again. I also know that I may fall over the wagon or only have half of me on the wagon (okay this analogy is getting out of control) - at the end of the day my weight and workout discipline will not define me at the end of my life - no one will put on my grave stone "she sure knew how to stay thin and workout" (AND GOD HELP ME IF THAT IS ALL THAT SOMEONE CAN THINK TO PUT ON MY GRAVE STONE!) They will hopefully remember that I was a strong, self assured woman who continued to learn throughout her life about how to be a better person for herself and those around her.

Salt & Vinegar

I have been trying to do a rather unscientific study on morning sickness. Considering I do not have it "that bad" (knock on wood...), I figure I will sacrifice my body to science. Mild as my morning sick is, it is still morning sickness. And really a guy must of thought that one up? Right?

I mean morning sickness is such an evil misnomer and I had I not been through this before and scanned some of the literature and vaguely recalled morning sickness, we can be rest assured there is nothing morning about this sickness. In fact for me, mornings are quite lovely. Especially since I have basically given up on several attempts to wittingly or unwittingly stop drinking coffee. THAT was hell on earth for me TWICE in four weeks so no more - 1/4 of a cup just to stave off the evil almost barf inducing headache is just fine for me and my unborn kidney bean - that is according the Babycenter anyway - I liked the blueberry reference from last week better!

Yeah so where was I? Oh so morning sickness. How about Hormonal Hell? Too scary, huh? 24/7 sickness? I want to lay down and die right here in the middle of Target sickness? QUICK where's the bathroom sickness? Well, I guess morning sickness it is. I still like Hormonal hell the best but whatever.

For me, it is late afternoon and evenings and also any time I "forget" to eat. Which may seem weird but it is something I have always done. I will eat my lunch say and bring a pile of snacks but get caught up working so the next thing I know I feel like that dinosaur that attacks the people in Jurassic Park. It is horrible and generally leads to the morning sickness becoming much worse than it would have been had I just stopped long enough to stuff something into my mouth.

The sucky thing about morning sickness for me this time around is my total avoidance of all things sweet. Just the mere thought of sweets kind of makes my tummy feel a tad bit funny. Don't get me wrong I have been eating sweets as well but not with the thrill I did of say some fries or chips. Mostly I eat sweets if I cannot find the chips or fries. Like they are second fiddle when they used to be the conductor in my life... Nothing like having no desire for sweets at the holidays...

Also, I am noticing a slight issue with drinking water. Something I normally do a lot. I forgot that with Matthew I actually gagged down water the first trimester and mostly drank apple juice (which I can hardly smell now because of that...) I am trying with all the fiber of my being to drink water but I just cannot seem to get it down...

For me, I have noticed the best thing to fight morning sickness is salt. I crave salt but not all salt is equal BUT salt does seem to equalize me. The minute I have it, the morning sickness subsides. The salt on french fries from Wendy's - good. Grilled cheese sandwiches - Bad. Cheese & crackers - good. Toast with tons of butter - Bad. SALT & VINEGAR CHIPS - MMMM MMM GOOD. Tipping the salt shaker into my nauseous mouth - good & bad. Okay I have not really done that but I have thought about it.

Really the bad thing about all of these salty foods... none of the items mentioned are very healthy for the old body. Considering I was swollen to the size of a Good Year blimp by the time I gave birth to Matthew and likely 15-20 lbs of my weight gain last time had to do with water weight gain... well salt is not the best thing. BUT for now I will enjoy the salty goodness of those salt & vinegar chips because man they quiet the hormonal anger that is brewing in my belly!

Baby hair?

This is not what you think it is going to be about. SO, I am at my hairdresser getting a trim recently. Let it be known that I love my hairdresser, Nicole. Nicole is pregnant and due any day now. She is also married to a PhD student who is completing his degree and they are leaving (waillllllll...)

After Nicole finishes the cut, I say to her "why do I have these funky hairs that stick up?" I basically look like I have bad 80's bangs without trying. I have MANY little hairs that stick up along the crown of head near my forehead. Nicole shows me how to take care of it. I am thinking they are from the hard core dryer habit I have - hot hot hot and my hair must be bone dry after I use a dryer EVERY single day. She says "well it maybe that you are regrowing your baby hair. I see it all the time." I was like " holy crap, baby hair still?" Matthew's going to be two soon!?

Then it got me thinking randomly - like most of my thoughts are. I remember reading a bunch of stuff when I was pregnant about how pregnancy would effect my body postpartum. Of course, I am both too lazy and unmotivated to try to find this information in any of the books I have at home so I turned, you guessed it, to the internet. I vaguely remembered something that said it can take a woman up to three years to recover from childbirth. Of course, I cannot find this anywhere or else I am just searching in the wrong places. Who knows...

At any rate, this is what I found.

Normal, expectable, or frequent PERMANENT side effects of pregnancy:

• stretch marks (worse in younger women)
• loose skin
• permanent weight gain or redistribution
• abdominal and vaginal muscle weakness
• pelvic floor disorder (occurring in as many as 35% of middle-aged former child-bearers and 50% of elderly former child-bearers, associated with urinary and rectal incontinence, discomfort and reduced quality of life)
• changes to breasts
• varicose veins
• other permanent aesthetic changes to the body (all of these are downplayed by women, because the culture values youth and beauty)
• increased proclivity for hemorrhoids
• loss of dental and bone calcium (cavities and osteoporosis)

I love the permanent weight gain or REDISTRIBUTION. Yeah, redistributed to my tummy and butt (oh wait and my thighs and hips! So basically everywhere...) Ah the old loose skin. Yummers, I hope you are not eating lunch. I know, I know there are good things about pregnancy too but least we not forget I am focused on the not so great things because I have SEVEN of the items on this list which I will not specifically note as you may be eating lunch, or dinner and who wants that image while eating?!?

This could explain my odd hair growth: Human hair goes through natural cycles. There is the "anagen" or growth phase, and there is the "telogen" or resting phase. The increased amount of estrogen in pregnancy stimulates an increase in the amount of hairs in the growth phase. After the delivery, there are more hairs in the resting phase and less in the growth phase, which can lead to hair loss. This loss usually begins about 1 to 4 months after the delivery, and it can be quite dramatic for some women. Most women will resume their normal hair growth cycle between 6 to 12 months postpartum, at which time their hair loss should resolve.

And finally, I found this really informative article that I thought was interesting. The only thing this person really offers about how long it takes for a women to recover after pregnancy is this little snipet that is not really the answer either...

Q: How long should women wait between pregnancies? Why is this important?

A: Again, this depends on the number of pregnancies you have already had, the type of birth you had, how tired you were, how well your body recovered (especially your pelvic floor tone). It is interesting to note that in primitive societies, babies are naturally spaced about every two years as their mothers breastfeed almost constantly for a year (the only way that breastfeeding works as a contraceptive). Obviously, the more fully recovered you are from your previous pregnancy, the better your next pregnancy will feel.

If anyone can tell me where I read this information or if it is even true that would be dandy. And next time you see me, please not stare at my funky hair!

Statistics of a sort

For the record: STILL PREGNANT

Morning visit: 11:00a (last one I scheduled in hopes that she would arrive by now but still has not...) Hope to hear I am beyond 1 CM, 50% effaced...

Amount of hope for this: 10%

Concentration level at work: .02% (is that even possible?)

Chances of being late: (can you hear the laughter right now?) At least 14 days and considering Pancake seems just as pleased as punch like her brother to stay in there I figure I have at least that many chances of being late... so much for positive thinking, eh!!?

PLEASE NOTE: I threatened her with no more ICE CREAM until after she arrives. It was painful!

Tubs of ice cream in the freezer: TWO (both half full, must have ice cream num num num...)

Most unexpected "things" about pregnancy part deux: little to no acne, same amount of weight gain despite "trying" to exercise and eat right (I gave up again BTW when I noticed that whatever I did did not stop the weight gain), how different this pregnancy has been from the 1st one, HAVING AN AUGUST BABY...

Dates: My midwife is out of town for the day July 24th and the Douala is out of town starting August 5th. Must have baby around those dates...bahahahaha

Contractions: Why yes!
Consistency to contractions: No no...
Painful: Indeed when they occur (see consistency issue above.)

Cups of Raspberry leaf tea I have had: an ENTIRE FREAKING box
Walks taken: a dozen with two very long hot walks the past two nights
Fruit measures: Two pineapples and a watermelon mostly eaten by me - heard it helps...

Hours of sleep I get per night: 2-4 hours of very very light uncomfortable sleep

Days till I am due: FOUR (or today if we are talking about the original due date)

Do I waddle: Worse then a one legged duck on hot asphalt (WHAT?)

Is it time to wrap this bad blog post up?: YES it is (bye bye!)

Cravings

Last time I was pregnant my craving were "normal" PMS-y type cravings. I do not remember anything out of the ordinary other than I ate like a bloody COW thus gaining in the 50 plus range of poundage. Whatever, I had fun doing it dammit!

The thing I craved most during the last pregnancy was ice cream & sugar based products like candy & sweets but not dessert type stuff. This go around I do crave the dessert stuff (because there is distinction between candy and cake...) like cookies or frosted cake (?) and brownies but ice cream - bleck. It makes me feel a little sickly to even think about ice cream! Which is WEIRD because normally I would site ice cream as one of my top three foods (along with pizza and burritos... Healthy, no!?)

I have found that I crave two odd things that I did not crave before - as in the 1st pregnancy or before I got pregnant this time. Those two items are avocados and oatmeal. Not together of course though that gets me thinking.... but I long for these two things. If I do not start my day with oatmeal, I am disappointed! And I have been adding avocado to every sandwich I make. Avocados are just SO yummy to me right now!

This craving I have mentioned before but I have an affinity toward salty products. Which by itself I do not find odd. I mean when I have had PMS I normally crave both salt and/or sweet items alternately or together. The strange thing about this salt based craving should be taken in the context of the 1st pregnancy where all I wanted was sugar 24/7.

I have been doing things a little differently this pregnancy. I have only gained about 8 lbs to date. Don't get your knickers in a knot- I was already 10 lbs heavier to start this pregnancy versus the last one so I think of it as 18 lbs. I am trying to stay in the 25-35 "recommended" weight gain.

I have been working out harder than I did during the last pregnancy. I worked out during the 1st one through the better part of all three trimesters but mostly I went to the gym and felt sorry for myself for being the only preggo chick there. I half heartedly lifted weights and rode on the recumbent bike while reading whatever the most trashy magazine was available! This time I run! And lift weights!

AND I am eating better then I did with Matthew. Salads and carrots and less candy from the candy drawer here at the office. Of course, I am still eating like a little piggy at times. I mean that was me hoofing down half the bag of Ruffles and Onion dip on Super Bowl Sunday. Oh SALTY crunchy goodness I yearn for thee!

But over all I am trying to be much more conscious of things because my goodness I will be 35 by the time this wee tot arrives and by the time I begin to even think about trying to lose weight from this pregnancy I am quite certain I will be closer to 40 then I like to think about ;) SO I feel the need to be more "careful" this time around.

Well, I am off to get my oatmeal and avocado! Though my mind is saying 'QUICK run to Kroger - chips and dip NOOOOOW!'

Freaky Friday Questions

Why oh why do I insist on buying $3.00 coffee from Starbucks when it tastes like shit? (Even with shots of sugar free cinnamon dolce...) Ah, because they have a drive-thru and the other places in town do not... and they have organic chocolate milk that I placate my 2 yr child with (hey, it is 1% milk and it is organic...)

Why do I try to get my child to wear other shoes besides his "crocs"? Because I paid a lot of money for those other sandals but omg do they put crack on those crocs because my kid would sleep in 'em if we let him.

Why do I bother going to doctor for green snot? Hmm, well Matthew is not really sick but we'll give him some antibiotics... BUT it might be (ACK) allergies. Sniff sniff, what the hell? All those breast feeding books suck and lie about the benefits of breastfeeding and allergies... She says as she remembers the sleepless nights & the thoughts that this kid will be allergy free until he dies that kept her doing it...

Why did I just refer to me as she/her? Because I losing my mind and cannot wait to have a vacation.

Do you wonder if I am sticking to a weight loss plan as I have discussed multiple times here on this very blog? Well, even if you do not care, I am not sticking to any plan and, in fact, I am paying a lot of money for Weight Watchers but cannot seem to get my lazy fat ass off the couch to exercise and I am still eating what seems like a gallon of ice cream a week. Can we say "she is SO weak" together. I suck (and I totally dread the weigh in this week...) Oh yeah and speaking of organic - this week I managed to eat an entire box of organic peanut butter cookies... THEY WERE ORGANIC so they don't count, right?!

Why am I going to Canada next week? To spend QT with my in-laws, buy some Canadian shit for less (here's hoping the dollar is weak? Or strong... whatever - the one that makes buying Canadian shit cheap), go to the wedding of people I hardly know so I can chase my child around while my husband gets drunk with his old buddies and I can feel wildly uncomfortable and out of my element, I LOVE POTHOLES, AND (drum roll please) it will be cool there (58 baby! YAHOO FOR ME!)

How old does Matthew look to you? Because some lady at the doctor's office with her little baby and four year old daughter asked me today "so is your son here for his 3 or 4 year check up?" HE IS 29 months old, people. He is my BABY still.... holy shit. She followed that up by "my he is a big boy." She says wailing at the top of her lungs (She being me...)

Why am I so excited for the fall? Well, I love sweaters (oh you wait I will be bitching about the sweaters come January - I am fickle like that...), I love fall leaves - kicking them, playing in them, taking pictures of them (dammit I better have that new camera by then...), I like the smells of fall, I cannot wait to take a knife to a pumpkin or ride on the wagon to get the pumpkin (even though it makes my eyes red and itchy - freakin' allergies... ONE guess: I was NOT breast fed. Damn genetics and allergies...) and it will BE COOLER baby!

Do I love my new shirt from the Gap? YES. I have no idea what European fit means but this shirt made my entire week!

Why am I asking all these questions? Because I do not feel like writing about anything deep or important and it is FRIDAY, hip hip hooray!

What are you doing this weekend? I am cleaning our bathroom (have been saying that for weeks, I know...), laundry, packing, cleaning, eating (not eating ice cream or PB cookies, I swear...), working (because I am not working right now) and sleeping (oh please oh please oh please), ohhh and finishing Million Dollar Baby. What a great flick! But seriously what are you doing this weekend?

Happy Friday my friends!

Narcissist Mommies!?

Of course, Sundry wrote yesterday about this article she read in her local newspaper about the usual mommy war crapola that we are all to familiar with by now. AND, I, of course, read this stuff like it is junk food - I cannot resist. I am drawn to it like a moth to a light - hoping to find the answer to my conundrum. As if there is some easy answer and if there was wouldn't we all be doing it by now?!

I have come to the conclusion that many of the people these articles/books seem to highlight as those who "opt out" are the people who can make that choice. They have had high paying jobs for the better part of a decade and their spouse is also making a bundle as well. They hardly EVER highlight the people who do not have combined income total of $350k or more prior to having children. It is always the corporate lawyer or the high tech CEO or the president of blah blah blah.

In fact, I read a book that said we "highly educated" women should go back to work in the vein of the Feminine Mistake right before I went back to work after having Matthew. I needed something to bolster my confidence as I felt rotten about leaving my 3 month old with a woman I hardly knew... Now after two years and an wide opening of my eyes, I realize numerous things that I have mentioned before here.

I am a better mommy when I work.
I am happy to be working because money is a necessary evil in our household.
I love my job and do not want to leave it.
I think Matthew will benefit from being around other kids at this age.

These are just a few. I checked out the Time article mentioned in the Seattle Times article from Sundry's post and I ran across this one from Newsweek this morning. Both are insightful - basically saying similar things that we have all heard before.

I am telling you this stuff - for me - is like a freaking potato chip. I cannot eat just one - I need to nosh on the whole damn bag WHICH BTW way I am doing my Weight Watchers stuff and it might just kill me! (Nice segue way, huh?) I knew the first week would be hard because it is radically changing the way I have been eating. Once again let me re-iterate, I do not eat horribly but just bad enough to know I was not going to magically lose the 15 pounds I have been bitching and moaning about for the last 6 months...

It is hard to give up things I like to eat a lot. Granola for instance. I know it is high in fat and not actually the healthiest thing in the world but I love that stuff. It is sweet and crunchy and filling and OMG did I mention crunchy!? I am hanging on to those granola bars - one would think I was hanging from a ten story building I am so against giving them up! I found these high fiber one (4 grams BABY) that offer me that sweet and crunch I like so much but still...

I also realize how easily I snack. I have always been a little meal person. Lots of small meals but I did not realize how much I have come to rely on starches and heavy snacks versus the things I used to snack on like baby carrots, fruits and veggies! I still eat those plus a pound of bread as well!

Ah, well the weight in is on Saturday so I will let you know how it goes. I am hoping to start doing some exercise again next week in addition to this WW stuff. That is going to be hard - TOTALLY the last priority for me at the end of the day. Do I sit and watch Hell's Kitchen vaguely holding that book/magazine as if I am going to use my brain or do I go down and ride the bike & lift weights?! Hmmm, I am quite certain you and you and you can guess which one I most often opt to go for! ;)

Random Odds 'N Ends

It is Saturday today. So not to confuse you with any other day of the week... It is a lovely day out despite the weather forecast which said storms all day. I thought earlier today that I would prefer storms all night and low and behold someone listened to me and seems to have responded. Thank you omniscient one(s)??

Our happy little family FINALLY got our asses out of bed this morning (after a semi restless night - first Matthew whom I think is working on an evil molar then Santana who is just a pain sometimes at night...) and went to the Farmer's Market. That ruled. I love that place and I cannot believe we have waited something like five weeks to get there. We bought some yummy looking tomatoes and red leaf lettuce, asparagus and this freaking unbelievable goat cheese. It is better then cream cheese any day of the year but pricey - whatev. I had to hold back from buying eggs, maple syrup and meat which I oh so desired to buy but held back on having already dropped a pretty penny for the above mentioned items plus some treats from Bloomingfoods & coffee (the essential farmer's market item of course.) Then we all traipsed home to drop Daddy off to run errands and Matthew & I went to the Y for swim class.

Swim class is so freaking much fun these days. I loved introducing Matthew to the water at a young age but I would be so tired after swimming back then I wanted to cry. These days he gets it. He kicks, uses his arms, blows bubbles (see teaching him how to blow raspberries did pay off, ha!) and he most loves the old jump off the wall to Mommy thing. Swim class used to be a two person sport but now I can pretty easily handle it on my own. In fact the past two weekends I have been on my own and it has been fun. Matthew and I have the same affinity for long hot showers after being in the pool so we do that then we get ready and walk VERY slowly back to the car whilst Matthew enjoys his snack and every nook and cranny along the way (unless I get a good spot then it is two second walk!)

Kevin took Santana to get his Kennel Cough vaccine as the D-O-G-S will be staying in the kennel during our trip to Washington in a few weeks. Kevin also managed to talk the lady into giving him a bunch of Sentinel without making an appt for the dogs - SCORE! AND he picked up the... DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!! new EXERCISE BIKE! Hippity Hip HOORAY! A recumbent Schwinn Bike y'all. It is Kevin's b-day gift. I actually offered to get Kevin a new shed for the yard but he got to thinking about how dang much time we spend talking about getting in shape and decided he would shut us up and take action. No shed, exercise bike instead!

It is strewn about me as I speak in little pieces in the "study/exercise room". Can't wait to use it or have it put together you know which ever come first? We also have a weight set and a big old ball so man next time you see me I am gonna be HOT I tell you and fit and looking like I used to in those wedding photos I was poring over the other day - HA to that. Like my baby belly will ever go back to what it was but hey it might be fun to try, right?! Hopefully this bike does not become another dust catcher and we actually use it. We will see. I will post a photo of it in all its glory as soon as it is one piece - you know like three weeks from now.

Ah here's to everyone having a lovely rest of the weekend!

Home Alone, Networks and OMG I am pregnant!

My boys are not home right now, they left yesterday morning early and man talk about right arm AND left arm being taken away.

I stayed at work until 6:30p last night not really working but just avoiding the dark, quiet home I would return to. I went to Bloomingfoods to get some dinner because my desire to cook when I returned home for myself seemed sort of banal. I was happy to see the wee pups and they were happy to see me so there was that.

I indulged in watching TV from 7:00p until well into the late hours of the night. I actually watched most of The Painted Veil before switching to Survivor, CSI and Without a Trace. The Painted Veil is eh. Not that great but scenery is breathtaking if you like that sort of thing. I am not a big Naomi Watts fan so maybe that is why that ruins it, who knows...

I spoke briefly with Kevin on his parent's terrible phone. Seriously you would have thought Kevin was calling from the jungles of Cambodia, not Canada. He said the trip went well and that is about all I got out of him. Matthew screamed 'NO' to speaking with me - who can blame the child? I am very certain knowing how travel is at any age and his grandmother, Barb, that he has been WAY over stimulated from the moment he was rudely woken up at quarter to five yesterday morning to the minute he dropped to sleep at who knows what time last night. It was Barb's 60th so there was some sort of party and I guess a big reason the boys traveled to Canada in the first place.

On one hand, I like the quiet that I am offered but, on the other (bigger) hand, it is eerie. I talk to the dogs more then normal, I ate dinner in front of the TV and just could not find a way to relax. I am very much looking forward to some of the activities I have planned for the weekend but I am mostly looking forward to Sunday afternoon when Kevin & Matthew return.

I did however take the time to put the router in place so we are officially NETWORKED between the laptop and desktop computers!!! Oh the fun. I am excited to have that ability to reply to emails in the evening after Matthew has gone to bed without getting up from our our couch (which mostly means I will not miss the latest Lost episode)! I also can explore things like hey, how big is that storm that is passing over my head right at this moment or I want to know more about that maternity clothes website from the pages of Fit Pregnancy.

Wow I am pregnant, y'all! I mean I woke up this morning and I had to struggle physically to get out of bed. I feel like I lumber now when I walk rather then purposely stride on light and airy feet (ha!) I think "the lumber" is the first step toward "the waddle" later in pregnancy!

Finally, I was intrigued last evening as I read about breasts in Fit Pregnancy. I always assumed that nursing would cause the dreaded - ah - downfall to women's breasts but apparently that has little effect. This "downfall" actually comes from the expanding of our bodies and skin DURING pregnancy. Which makes sense. I mean holy cow just went you think your chest, stomach, ANKLES or BUTT could not getting any bigger, they do. And so just like gaining and then losing a crap load of weight our bodies need to accommodate for that in some way and that way is that your skin expands. DUH!

Building a Dinosaur

I live in a small town that has a small mall. The small mall does not have much but it has what it has so you have to kind of go with it and deal with the fact that it is a small mall without much in it... And with that exciting and very deep thought, onward...

Yesterday, there was the grand opening for Build A Bear at our small mall. Guess who decided it would be a grand idea to take her 2.5 year old child to said Build A Bear for the grand opening (and to use the 20% off coupon Shades of Gray gave us)!? Oh, yeah that would be me.

Around 5:40p we strolled into MASS CHAOS! Children and parents and bears OH MY GAWD!!!!! There was fluff everywhere and small children crying and OH THANK goodness Lilly and her parents were in front of us in line because Matthew so would have melted down. The line took forever and we stood and looked at the wall of animals for what seemed like hours (not really but I was holding Matthew and arm hurts today like I lifted a 35 lb weight for an hour so there.) In all seriousness, I know Lilly was there but I think Matthew would have been good anyway because he was SO excited to make a dinosaur.

He is a bit obsessed with these creatures right now. He likes us to pretend to be dinosaurs and I think mostly for the heart pounding fear factor. He loves when we pretend we do not hear him say "be a dinosaur, mommy" and then I stroll up and ROARRRR at him loudly. He shrieks with delight and then asks for more. It is actually a lot of fun and I would be a dinosaur 24/7 if it kept my boy as happy as that moment when he screams and laughs out loud.

Eh-hmmm, where was I... ah yes so he told us on the drive over that he would be making a dinosaur. We looked at the creatures on the wall and I asked if he wanted to make a monkey or a turtle - NOPE a dinosaur, mommy. So we picked out the un-stuffed triceratops. Matthew was a bit confused by this. We said he is deflated but we will fill him with stuff and love and then he will be squishy. Jeez, the things you come up with as parents... And so we waited and Matthew watched. He liked the voice machine even though we did not get the dinosaur a voice. He liked the roaring noise the best - go figure. We finally made it to the part where you pick the heart and rub it all over and step on the peddle to stuff the bear. I did not bring a camera because let's face it it was chaos already why add to that but the look on his face was priceless. He just stared at the girl making his dinosaur come to life with eyes the size of saucers. Then we washed our dinosaur and picked out some "stuff".

Have you been in one of those Build A Bear stores lately? They have so much SHIT. I mean seriously. You can buy your child's stuffed love of his/her life every imaginable thing out there from boxers to a wardrobe to sleep bags to pretend iPod/iPod carriers to costumes for Halloween! My goodness. Matthew's dinosaur ended up with a Coats fleece jacket (Matthew wanted a football jersey but I opted for the jacket because it was less and he did not know the difference), a football and a baby triceratops. I was amazed the mass amount of items that you could buy for a child's stuffed animal.

Oh and Matthew made his birth certificate for his newly made dinosaur. We kept asking him what he wanted to name it - he rattled off a bunch of odd things here and there. But we finally settled on the thing he kept saying repeatedly between all of the other stuff. Kevin & Matthew did this while I waited in the long line to check out. SO his dinosaur is named 'Con'. As in ex Con. Matthew kept saying this over and over - now if I had sat down to name this stuffed animal I would have spelled it Khan as in Ghengis Khan not Con like well you get the idea. Whatever, he renamed it an hour later - Tong so who cares...So that is how we built a dinosaur.

One may think we are insane for doing this activity with our child and it was mass hysteria in this place but this was actually a pleasurable experience. And I am happy to report that Tong, Khan, and/or Con slept well in his new home with his new friend, Matthew, last night. Tong/Khan/Con additionally went potty and had breakfast with Matthew this morning so we are all set in the dinosaur department... for now!

I found this MEME. Still not sure if MEME stands for something. Okay, I know it is March not January but I thought it would be fun to do any way!
1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
Raised a child that has no OFF switch!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Nope and Nope.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No not recently but I have FIVE friends who are currently pregnant and having bebes this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Ha! I visited the land of SLEEP. I can now sleep thru the night EVERY single night for the most part and Matthew goes to sleep at a reasonable hour now too (okay minus this time change crap...)

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
An even healthier, happier world (BIG plans for this... more to follow!)

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Every date had something that made an indelible mark on my mind because of Matthew. Matthew discovered something new everyday and seeing his excitement as he did so has made innumerable memories.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmmm, not losing my sanity while pretending to be Super Mommy. But for real, knowing that Matthew is a sweet, loving little person and I have contributed to that personality by half. And that Kevin still loves me even though I can be a big b-word some times.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting back down to my normal weight (hahahahaha...) GETTING THERE NOW, though!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I have every illness that Matthew had minus the stomach flu (Thank you God) and these bloody hangnails I get all the time like welty puss filled blobs on my thumb - what is that? But other no nothing earth shaking.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A brand spankin' new bigger home that I am looking forward to sharing many new and exciting memories with K and M in.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

There are lots of people out there whose behavior merits celebration - today, I feel the people who marched to end the war over the weekend. I wish I could have been there...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I have to agree with the person who I stole this from - the media's ability to blow everything out of proportion and go on and on about something that has no relevance to the world (think Anna Nicole Smith.) Okay, and for real, my sister. Just plain crap that spewed forth from her fingers...

14. Where did most of your money go?
Daycare. The new house. Savings/Investments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My blog. It is a huge bright spot for me - something to take me away, a place I can write (something I have been wanting to do for years and years, literally) and a way to communicate with everyone about daily life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
“Little White Duck” by Burl Ives just because it reminded me of my childhood and I was so excited to introduce it to Matthew. On a personal note, So Damn Lucky (DMB) - I listen to this song obsessively.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
Happier. About the Same but I lost another pound (for those of you keeping score!). Probably richer in all sense of the word.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Reading, writing, and I wish I had more time with Matthew every single day.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being civil and staying quiet when silly people opened their mouths. Rank stupidity should be stamped out, not ignored. (I totally copied this from the previous person who did this but very well said and exactly how I feel!)

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We spent Christmas at our happy little home with lots of presents, love and good food!

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Everyday. I fall in love with Kevin more and more every day.

22. How many one-night stands?
Ha, none.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Hmmmm. I cannot name just one. Lost. Bad Reality TV that takes me away when I stressed out. Monk. Cold Case.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Kite Flyer.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
None, I have not had time for new discoveries when it comes to music but watched Elizabethtown recently and LOVED that sound track and want to buy it soon.

27. What did you want and get?
A new house.

28. What did you want and not get?
To be a stay at home mommy for Matthew... (or a nanny.)

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Ha, film - as in movie? Right? Okay, Elizabethtown. Loved it.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 33. Kevin and I went for a dinner at Scholar's Inn, we snuggled and enjoyed each other's company (not like that, get yer mind out of the gutter!)

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Hmm, I am seriously not sure there is answer to that - if I could somehow find a way to make a lot of money and stay at home with Matthew that would be it.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Ok, for real, anything goes (as long as it does not have holes) AND yes I did mean to say it that way because that is how I think about it

33. What kept you sane?
Reading/writing Blogs, Talking to my hubby, letting things go more often, playing with Matthew

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Dave (Matthews).

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Environmental issues and the war and all that surrounds the government issues related to that.

36. Who did you miss?
My family.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Friends from Matthew's swim class

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
No matter how right you feel you are in doing something, no matter how pure your motive and no matter how successful you might end up being … someone, somewhere is going to take it personal.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

These lyrics make me think of Matthew and how much I love spending time with him.
...how he makes me feel about time - it just seems to melt away in such a just right
wasting of the time and I LOVE THAT :)

Wasting time
Let the hours roll by
Doing nothing for the fun
Little taste of the good life
Whether right or wrong
Makes us want to stay stay stay stay for awhile
Later on
The sun began to fade
Then the clouds rolled over our heads
And it began to rain
Oh we were dancing mouths open
Splashing tongue taste
For a moment this good time would never end
You and me you and me
Just wasting time