Friday, July 18, 2008

Nine Days & Fear

I feel like I am in the 24th mile of a marathon only I did not train very well because I am hacking and snotty and very tired. But dang NINE more days till the due date. Mostly everything is done that can be done. My house is moderately clean, my bags have been packed for so long I cannot remember what is in there any more (I should check...), Pancake's room is as good as it is going to get (which is still not QUITE finished but whatev she will be in our room for the first few weeks any way... In a word, I am READY.

Ready to have this little girl. To meet her and hug and hold her. I am ready today and I have this horrible fear of going overdue, way overdue. We did schedule a date to be induced but I am getting cold feet about it. I have decided that date is subject to change. I keep hoping and praying that this morning, afternoon, evening will be the moment when I start to see BIG changes and yet there have been few. It is like my body LOVES being preggo. I mean why not - it gets fed lots of yummy foods I normally would not indulge in like ice cream EVERY DAY and Reece's Peanut butter cups! Or maybe that is Baby Pancake who likes those things? I did threaten her yesterday to stop all junk food and only eat broccoli and brussel sprouts to get her out - HA!

With M, I had to beg for extra days from my Midwife after going overdue. M's due date as far as we could tell was April 4, 2005. I gave birth to M on April 19th. In trying to stay positive about the whole birth process this time around, I felt like perhaps giving birth to this baby would be different since so much of the pregnancy has been different. I thought perhaps the getting down to the end and being late part would not bother me because the entire pregnancy I have had a great attitude about it. I know I am not technically late at this point but it seems like everything has stopped. I have had few to no contractions the past few days, almost the same cold I had at the end with M, and 1 cm-50% effaced...

I am freaking myself out at this point, I think. This worry and fear that I am headed down the same path I did with my 1st pregnancy. Please do not get me wrong as I gave birth to a beautiful happy healthy baby boy but the whole process of birth was not (a) exactly how I pictured it and (b) it was the scariest most difficult thing I have ever done. From being induced to being that close to having a c-section I could see the whites of the eyes of the c-section prep people to the struggle with post partum issues I had for many months after. Eventually I was able to put it all in perspective and I really thought I was over my feelings surrounding M's birth until this past week or so.

Something about this time frame, how similar things seem - that is what is freaking me out. I feel like I am the same scared, fearful person I was back when I had M. I know in my heart of hearts everything will be okay. That however this baby comes out she will be a dandy and I will be in love. That having the perfect natural birth is not all that. That I will not allow myself to feel like my body failed on me like I did last time. That our new baby will be grateful for having parents who make the best most well informed decisions based on what we know and are told so she can come into this world screaming and beautiful just like her brother.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I just need to keep trying to let go of the past and find that new place I was when we decided to have a 2nd baby. To let go of the old fears and know that however Pancake enters this world it will be a special wonderful day no matter what my expectations are. Enough of this serious stuff...

Kay, I am off to stuff some more Reece's peanut butter cups in my face because if nothing else it makes me feel temporarily good - how can one feel fearful when stuffing chocolate-y peanut buttery goodness in my mouth!!!

BTW, what strange things have you done to get the birth process going, if any? I actually ate almost half of a pineapple last evening because I heard it helps to err ah ripen the cervix... Sweet, eh?!


Jen said...

I did nothing to try to get labor started- I was too scared for it to start! I actually avoided everything that people suggested. haha.

You'll do great and seeing Baby Pancake for the first time will make it all worth it! No two births are the same- and don't "they" say it's faster with the second? So think positive and it will be allll goood! :)

Shades of Gray said...

You're going to be great, Christina! Just keep Pancake in your mind as the ultimate goal. Nothing else will matter once you have that baby in your arms! You are in such a different place than you were then. You have opened up about your struggles and your fears, and you have a much larger support group this time around.

I obviously found myself in the same position you did with being induced, so I don't have any suggestions for you other than walking. Though I do remember Melissa saying something about sex... ;)

AndreAnna said...

You're going to do just fine; I'm sure of it. I was induced both times: once b/c my water broke too early and this last time for preeclampsia. And I didn't feel robbed at all.

At the end of a birth, no matter how you do it, with medicinal intervention or not, you don't get a medal or a hero's prize. You don't get a parade if you do it without an epidural. You get a baby. A baby you will love and take wonderful care of.

Keep that prize in mind.

K and J's mom said...

It won't be long before you'll be re-reading this post and thinking, "What was I so worried about? It all went great!" Both births of my kids didn't go exactly as planned. I do not feel robbed having had a c-section. I was happy I at least got to feel contractions with Jack (although for three months) and I was happy my water broke with Kate so I got to experience that (although at 36 weeks). My point is, that it is the birth of your baby. Even if it doesn't follow the "script" you plan in your mind, it will be beautiful b/c in the end, you get a beautiful baby to bring home. Just keep yourself focused on the "prize" and know that you and your body can do anything. Heck, YOU CREATED LIFE.

Welcome to our World said...

Thank you everyone!! I totally needed a kick in the pants! :)

LoriD said...

Try to just enjoy these last few days of being pregnant. I don't know if you're planning any more children, but even if you are, these will be your last days where this little one is all yours to carry and nurture. Soon enough you'll be sharing her with friends and family.

The longest I was overdue with any of mine was one day, and she was my third. I think the difference might have been that I was more active with the other two (still working, busy times of the year), but with the third I had left work 3 weeks before my due date and was taking it easy.