I want to be...

light and happy right now. I really want to tell you about M's new obsession with Batman and how far he can jump (FAR). I want to tell you how excited I am for M to start soccer next month and how sweet he is with Miss Pancake. I want to say that I feel like I am being a great mommy of two and I want to say that without tears coming to my eyes because today I cannot say that and if I think about M tears come to my eyes.

M is a good little boy but he has been/is struggling with the changes in our house. I keep trying with all my might to remember he is three and this too shall pass but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want to protect and spend time with Miss Pancake without alienating M but M has been so frustrating and tiring to me that I find myself just shutting M out and he must sense this.

Last night was yet another miserable moment and I fear that I (we) am/are just screwing the little guy up. He flipped out again because I made dinner a bit early and he wanted to use some play-doh which I said "okay but after dinner." He threw a fit & he was counted to three and we put him in his room for a three minute time out. He tore his room apart again and cried for 45 minutes before I finally went in and told M he needed to start getting ready for bed (K was late picking up M and yes, it was THAT late...) I had to force my way into his room and he fled from his room when I finally got in there. Then M came out and sobbed into my shoulder before finally eating dinner.

Things did not get better after this. M would not go to sleep. We did the usual routine then M proceeded to tell us he was scared of alligators that come to his room every night (the night before he did this weird sleep walking freak out that he has been doing on and off for a few months where he needs to pee and I find him screaming in his room standing by the door - he is SO freaked out we cannot calm him down, get him to pee or get him back to sleep for a very long time.) Miss Pancake was having her usual evening melt down cry and K could not get her to calm down so I was trying to get both kids to calm down. I got Miss Pancake to sleep and K decided to call his mom when I hear M sobbing.

I wave K down and get him to go with M. A little later K is holding Miss Pancake and I heard M calling so I went into his room and he was not there. I look in our room and he was in there saying "Daddy said I could..." SIGH SIGH SIGH. I was like K what the hell were you thinking? Part of my anger comes from the fact that M totally dictates what we do when he gets in these moods.

I was tired and cranky and pissed off at K for letting M go into our room in part because we are trying to NOT let M run our lives and M did just that by telling his Dad he would sleep in our room and not his... SO I lost it. K finally reminded me that I needed to take the emotion of it and I got it together enough to get M to his bed and he went to sleep a full 2.5 hours AFTER we started the bed time routine.

I am tired of "fighting" M on every thing and I have massive amounts of fear of having M and Miss Pancake all day starting next week. M hardly listens to me and he does his own thing no matter what the discipline I dole out to him. I cannot just plunk M down in front of the TV 24/7 and I cannot ignore Miss Pancake's needs. My fears just becoming more and more fueled by the situations from the past few weeks. I am trying with all my might to be positive. I am working on a schedule for M when he is home with me and I am hoping for the best.

I really struggled with writing this because I do not want to bitch about the situation and really the truth is I just need to get it off my chest because I feel SO guilty for snarling at my child all the time, for being afraid of my son and his behavior, for feeling so out of control with him and also not being able to find a happy place with him. I am scared that my actions are hurting him and that is the furthest thing from my mind.

Obviously I love my son and I feeling so many bad feelings about M right now I just need to get it off my chest. I was not lying when I wrote that post the other day about being happy and not depressed. I am happy and not depressed but when it comes to M I am struggling, I am at a loss... that instruction manual that I wished for when he was 1st born well that one would sure come in handy now for how to be a good mommy to three year olds with new baby sisters...

Nine Days & Fear

I feel like I am in the 24th mile of a marathon only I did not train very well because I am hacking and snotty and very tired. But dang NINE more days till the due date. Mostly everything is done that can be done. My house is moderately clean, my bags have been packed for so long I cannot remember what is in there any more (I should check...), Pancake's room is as good as it is going to get (which is still not QUITE finished but whatev she will be in our room for the first few weeks any way... In a word, I am READY.

Ready to have this little girl. To meet her and hug and hold her. I am ready today and I have this horrible fear of going overdue, way overdue. We did schedule a date to be induced but I am getting cold feet about it. I have decided that date is subject to change. I keep hoping and praying that this morning, afternoon, evening will be the moment when I start to see BIG changes and yet there have been few. It is like my body LOVES being preggo. I mean why not - it gets fed lots of yummy foods I normally would not indulge in like ice cream EVERY DAY and Reece's Peanut butter cups! Or maybe that is Baby Pancake who likes those things? I did threaten her yesterday to stop all junk food and only eat broccoli and brussel sprouts to get her out - HA!

With M, I had to beg for extra days from my Midwife after going overdue. M's due date as far as we could tell was April 4, 2005. I gave birth to M on April 19th. In trying to stay positive about the whole birth process this time around, I felt like perhaps giving birth to this baby would be different since so much of the pregnancy has been different. I thought perhaps the getting down to the end and being late part would not bother me because the entire pregnancy I have had a great attitude about it. I know I am not technically late at this point but it seems like everything has stopped. I have had few to no contractions the past few days, almost the same cold I had at the end with M, and 1 cm-50% effaced...

I am freaking myself out at this point, I think. This worry and fear that I am headed down the same path I did with my 1st pregnancy. Please do not get me wrong as I gave birth to a beautiful happy healthy baby boy but the whole process of birth was not (a) exactly how I pictured it and (b) it was the scariest most difficult thing I have ever done. From being induced to being that close to having a c-section I could see the whites of the eyes of the c-section prep people to the struggle with post partum issues I had for many months after. Eventually I was able to put it all in perspective and I really thought I was over my feelings surrounding M's birth until this past week or so.

Something about this time frame, how similar things seem - that is what is freaking me out. I feel like I am the same scared, fearful person I was back when I had M. I know in my heart of hearts everything will be okay. That however this baby comes out she will be a dandy and I will be in love. That having the perfect natural birth is not all that. That I will not allow myself to feel like my body failed on me like I did last time. That our new baby will be grateful for having parents who make the best most well informed decisions based on what we know and are told so she can come into this world screaming and beautiful just like her brother.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I just need to keep trying to let go of the past and find that new place I was when we decided to have a 2nd baby. To let go of the old fears and know that however Pancake enters this world it will be a special wonderful day no matter what my expectations are. Enough of this serious stuff...

Kay, I am off to stuff some more Reece's peanut butter cups in my face because if nothing else it makes me feel temporarily good - how can one feel fearful when stuffing chocolate-y peanut buttery goodness in my mouth!!!

BTW, what strange things have you done to get the birth process going, if any? I actually ate almost half of a pineapple last evening because I heard it helps to err ah ripen the cervix... Sweet, eh?!