Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I want to be...

light and happy right now. I really want to tell you about M's new obsession with Batman and how far he can jump (FAR). I want to tell you how excited I am for M to start soccer next month and how sweet he is with Miss Pancake. I want to say that I feel like I am being a great mommy of two and I want to say that without tears coming to my eyes because today I cannot say that and if I think about M tears come to my eyes.

M is a good little boy but he has been/is struggling with the changes in our house. I keep trying with all my might to remember he is three and this too shall pass but I feel like I am failing miserably. I want to protect and spend time with Miss Pancake without alienating M but M has been so frustrating and tiring to me that I find myself just shutting M out and he must sense this.

Last night was yet another miserable moment and I fear that I (we) am/are just screwing the little guy up. He flipped out again because I made dinner a bit early and he wanted to use some play-doh which I said "okay but after dinner." He threw a fit & he was counted to three and we put him in his room for a three minute time out. He tore his room apart again and cried for 45 minutes before I finally went in and told M he needed to start getting ready for bed (K was late picking up M and yes, it was THAT late...) I had to force my way into his room and he fled from his room when I finally got in there. Then M came out and sobbed into my shoulder before finally eating dinner.

Things did not get better after this. M would not go to sleep. We did the usual routine then M proceeded to tell us he was scared of alligators that come to his room every night (the night before he did this weird sleep walking freak out that he has been doing on and off for a few months where he needs to pee and I find him screaming in his room standing by the door - he is SO freaked out we cannot calm him down, get him to pee or get him back to sleep for a very long time.) Miss Pancake was having her usual evening melt down cry and K could not get her to calm down so I was trying to get both kids to calm down. I got Miss Pancake to sleep and K decided to call his mom when I hear M sobbing.

I wave K down and get him to go with M. A little later K is holding Miss Pancake and I heard M calling so I went into his room and he was not there. I look in our room and he was in there saying "Daddy said I could..." SIGH SIGH SIGH. I was like K what the hell were you thinking? Part of my anger comes from the fact that M totally dictates what we do when he gets in these moods.

I was tired and cranky and pissed off at K for letting M go into our room in part because we are trying to NOT let M run our lives and M did just that by telling his Dad he would sleep in our room and not his... SO I lost it. K finally reminded me that I needed to take the emotion of it and I got it together enough to get M to his bed and he went to sleep a full 2.5 hours AFTER we started the bed time routine.

I am tired of "fighting" M on every thing and I have massive amounts of fear of having M and Miss Pancake all day starting next week. M hardly listens to me and he does his own thing no matter what the discipline I dole out to him. I cannot just plunk M down in front of the TV 24/7 and I cannot ignore Miss Pancake's needs. My fears just becoming more and more fueled by the situations from the past few weeks. I am trying with all my might to be positive. I am working on a schedule for M when he is home with me and I am hoping for the best.

I really struggled with writing this because I do not want to bitch about the situation and really the truth is I just need to get it off my chest because I feel SO guilty for snarling at my child all the time, for being afraid of my son and his behavior, for feeling so out of control with him and also not being able to find a happy place with him. I am scared that my actions are hurting him and that is the furthest thing from my mind.

Obviously I love my son and I feeling so many bad feelings about M right now I just need to get it off my chest. I was not lying when I wrote that post the other day about being happy and not depressed. I am happy and not depressed but when it comes to M I am struggling, I am at a loss... that instruction manual that I wished for when he was 1st born well that one would sure come in handy now for how to be a good mommy to three year olds with new baby sisters...

4 comments:

el-e-e said...

I AM SO FEELING YOU!!

Our boy was 3 when baby sis was born in Feb. So we went/are going through the same stuff. Right now he's acting out in the form of pouting, and "it's not fair," and arguing about everything we tell him. So yeah, I get that "everything I say to him is negative" guilt, too. The poor dude's just trying to get his brain around the fact that he's not the only kid anymore.

It's so hard.

He's been coming into our bed in the middle of the night since I was pregnant, and we finally got to where we just let him stay. I KNOW I've got to take care of that and start putting him back in his own bed. But in a way it comforts ME that he has that little bit of extra "time" and attention from us. (Never mind that we're pushing him to scoot over; I didn't say "quality" time. ha.)

Anyway, you're not alone - I bet it feels good to write it all out like you did. I LOVE that you're doing a schedule for next week. I'm sure that is going to be a tremendous help. Those first few new-baby weeks are just so wonky and out of sync.

K and J's mom said...

Ahh C, I'm so sorry M is struggling. I'm so sorry there is no answer to make everything better. Just keep on loving M. Which I know is IMPOSSIBLE for you to stop doing anyway! :) Give M a little 1:1 time with you throughout the day, give yourself some alone time each day (even if it is 5 minutes to potty ALONE!) All you can do is love 'em and do your best to keep yourself sane so that you can parent to your best abilities. It DOES get better. I promise.

Jen said...

Hang in there! Don't be too hard on yourself- you are a great mom. :) Like you said, this too shall pass.

melissa said...

Hang in there! The only thing I can suggest is just keep being consistent. You are NOT scarring M for life by taking charge of his behavior and 'laying down the law' (that's what we say sometimes when we need to rein in Lily.) In the long run he will remember and be shaped by the love that you give him...even if he doesn't like it at that very moment.