Reflections

Holy cow (which I just typed as sow which is made me giggle for reasons unknown to me...) SO my baby is going to be THREE on Saturday. I am still in awe of this. I am not like 'OH when did that happen', mostly I am just thinking 'WOW'! The time flew by but in a great way! I have loved every moment of it. Even the early days that scared me the most. Even the tough times.

Seeing him turn three (or just to get a little older) makes me feel like such an accomplished person. What parent does not feel this way? I do not look at my failings and short comings. I do not look at the moments when I have lost my temper. Those happened. They were a part of the three years as much as the laughter, tickles, learning to rollover/crawl/walk/talk, all of the milestones - every dang amazing moment of my son's three years on this earth!

I cannot imagine our lives without Matthew, not for a second. I hope with all of my heart I never have to know that as long as I am alive. He is truly my greatest accomplishment. Without Matthew, we would not have made new and wonderful friends. We have grown and changed in our friendships with old friends especially as all of our families grow. He has helped me to slowly slowly learn patience, to overcome exhaustion or illness to be there for him, to be a stronger more responsible human being then I thought I would or could ever be! He has a diverse set of tastes and likes to draw us into the world he occupies, to be a prince and princess, to build a garage for his trucks, to hunt for dinosaurs with his lantern and many more imaginary worlds that float through his head!

His hugs lift me up to the sky when I am having a bad day and his smile sends me to the moon. He is funny and quirky and silly and I helped to create him. I love my little peanut, my pumpkin pie more then words can describe and I am so excited for him to turn three. To see how he changes and grows over the next 12 months. I look forward to seeing what new things he will teach me about myself, about who I am, who Kevin and I are as a couple, and how he will react to being a big brother to his baby sister.

What a year it has been and what a year there is to come!

Can You Guess The Time?

Ohh sounds like a fun game, eh?! Yeah well not so much. for me. I woke up at 3:30a exactly. WIDE awake. Fretting in a major way. I will hate myself later today but it is now 4:39am so if you guessed in that range, you are the BIG winner. Winner of what, you wonder? Hmm, well nothing but if you keep reading you can hear about what I am freaking out about.

For starters, Matthew's party. Which is just so utterly lame I want to tell myself to go take a leap off a tall building but well I am feeling stressed about it, I guess. I am so unprepared this year. The past two years I have been on top of things. This year, mmm, not so much. I still have not fully committed to the house cleaning service so I am trying to get the house in shape before the party. OH wait no before my in laws arrive ON WEDNESDAY which is always just plain stressful for me. While they are charming folks, it is just tiresome to have house guests and even more so when I am pregnant. At least they have a quiet area away from the main living area but still...

I have NO cake and really the only thing I have done at this time is vacuum the basement. Sigh. OH and presents for Matthew from us, you ask? Ah yeah we have two small items that we planned to buy anyway. Nothing else... I feel like I am just out of it this year on so many levels and not just for Matthew's birthday but taking care of people I love and care for... I seriously bought Kevin NOTHING for his birthday this year.

Mostly the birthday thing got me thinking about all the stuff we have not done for the new baby. I mean the room and the needing of stuff is minor but it is still not done. It is getting there (hopefully.) I think that a huge part of the feeling of getting stuff done is that OMG IT IS APRIL 14th and we are closing on the THIRD trimester - HELP! I know in my heart of hearts that everything will come together that needs to come together AND also that what does not will not matter.

Nice thing about the in laws visiting is that Kevin's father offered to paint Pancake's room and so we are taking him up on that offer!

However, the thing that really got up and out of bed was panicking about child care for wee tot Pancake. We have done virtually nothing but talk. It is April 14th and the way I see it we have little time left to get everything we really need to do in order to make a logical, educated decision about who should look after Pancake when she arrives and I must go back to work.

First, we need to look at how to do it properly this time. The last time we had a nanny we paid her under the table and we were left feeling guilt ridden 24/7 because we gave her way to little for what she did and we felt like we could never hold her accountable for anything. I do not want to feel this way. I would rather stay home.

I just know from our experiences with Matthew when he was a babe that finding the right person can take months and months and really we did not find the right situation until Kelly decided to do day care from her home. Which meant the first 2 years of Matthew's life I was stressed out and VERY unhappy, frustrated and angry at the world. Ohh yeah I am sure I was a charmer during that time period... I remember a lot of tears & guilt, pathetic.

SO here I am at 4:49a in a panic trying to decide how to proceed looking up nanny agencies and logging on to Craigslist. I need to try to go to sleep because I am tired but now I am hungry too. I think I will go check out the cereal selection, watch some TV and sleep for an hour or so...

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AND I am back briefly, at work. I have to say that panicking in the middle of the night is neither wise nor helpful. I did get to see that the forecast is rain & fairly cool temps for Matthew's party which added to my bummed out feelings. Also, it is supposed be cloudy on Friday for the Zoo - Hopefully the rain and cooler temps will hold off until after the Zoo. I am just so over the weather.

I am off to try to order a cake at this late date. And balloons and I need to clean the bathrooms tonight. Ta-ta for now.

You say it's your birthday...

Happy Birthday to me!

Yup, 34 today. Whew hoo! Ancient, eh? Its been a pretty good day. One peppermint mocha and one regular coffee. One OREO ice cream cake ( Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you... Mom you blow out those candle followed by a blowing noise and my candles going; also there might have been some spit on the cake as well - wanna come over and have some cake tomorrow?!) One great day with my family of doing a whole lot of nothing but the usual. One evening out with my husband at a nice restaurant! One very tired 34 year old right now.

Oh and one day off for me tomorrow. Triple quadruple HOORAY!

Birthday ALERT!

So over the weekend I had a wake up call - my little baby is going to be TWO in like oh FOURTY THREE DAYS, people! I am SO unprepared. First of all, we trying to make this F*&$^&ing move. God knows why we decided to do this AT ALL. Don't get me wrong I am excited for the shiny new, larger improved home but OMG, it may be the death of me (I just keep reminding myself - stainless steel appliances, 2800 sq ft, a place for guests to sleep so I do not have to share my computer with anyone... but some how even these things are not doing it for me...)

At any rate back to the topic at hand, I need to plan a party because Matthew's SECOND birthday is coming up in t-minus 43 days. I have to order the decorations, cake, balloons, make and send invites, decide what we are going to eat, when the heck we are going to have a party because Matthew takes a mammoth nap from 12:30p-3:00p every single day (not a complaint mind you... I will be sad when one day that is gone to be honest...) I am not exactly sure when my "baby" became a two year old but it happened over night. I have enjoyed every moment for good or bad between his BIRTH day and this up coming birthday. I am not really sad per say - just amazed (mostly that Kevin and I managed to keep him healthy and well you know alive for almost two whole years - ha!) I was going to post a photos of Matthew when he was wee tot but I just realized this is a new computer and none of those photos are available at a moments notice so I am settling for the photo of Matthew stuffing his face with his first "sugary" product - the yummy cake made at the local bakey. We are going there again BTW because the cake was scrumptious and sugary and that is what any kid (and his weary parents) deserves on their birthday.

I am sure I will keep you all posted on the details of said party. It will be a much smaller affair then his first. Just a few friends with kiddos Matthew's age but I am excited none the less. I think we going to settle on a contruction theme since Matthew continues to love to point out and discuss at length any large construction vehicle (actually mostly buses and diggers but it is very hard to find a bus theme...) We are trying to stay away from the mass market stuff (see previous post about bubbles - though there is this one decoration pack of OLD Curious George that I love... key word being "I".)

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED - who would have thunk it - that I would get this geeked over a two year old's party (please do not mention the fact that I am total DORK because I just used the word geeked in a sentence...) Let's just be honest - I like to plan a party and I LOVE to eat. Plus one day soon Matthew will be calling the shots about what he wants so I am basking in the chance to do what I think he will like but really it is about what I like!