Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
That is kind of personal. I will say yes, I was teenager, maybe 16? I have had depression as long as I can remember. My early memories of being depressed are very vivid. I remember feeling this heavy weight settling and feeling listless and lost and angry. Very very angry. Hateful and dangerous. I remember not wanting to get up, out of bed, not wanting to get up from the television and as I got older and the depression was deeper, I would eat anything and everything in sight. And I would read and/or watch TV and if I could not leave the house. No one ever stopped me from this. My mother was far to wrapped up in her life and her drama in SF anyway. I hated myself all the time, depressed or not. I thought about taking pills but I settled for a knife. I remember sitting on that couch with the knife at my wrist, the knife was pointed in the right direction to prove deadly. I sat like that for a long time before I got up, crying, put the knife away and went on living. Albeit a very destructive life but I do not know. I never tried this again. I never thought about dying like that again. I have no idea why I stopped or what made me change my mind now but I just know I decided that was a bad idea.
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Everything.
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Have the baby, take care of the baby, raise the baby and love that baby. What else is there to do at this juncture in my life?!
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Oy. So much, so little time. I hope to change being fear. I hope to change my short temper. I hope to change trusting people so quickly then ending up hurting and blaming myself for this destructive relationship behavior. I hope to live in the now and let go of the past and the future. I hope to change my social awkwardness and embrace the happy me around me people. I hope to change how I can put my foot in my mouth at times making for socially ACK-ward moments. Why? Because this is what I hope to change about myself. All are good things to hope for when it comes to change. Hope is part of what makes us humans, right?
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Dear Me,
I love me. I love the inner child me that felt hurt and angry and suffering. I love my laughter and how if I can just let go, how much I can laugh and have fun and not be so serious. I love that my self talk has changed this past year. That I am working hard on this. That never let myself get beat down, that I have changed how I deal with being depressed.
I love reading and writing and photography and music. I love my children, that having kids has been like wearing my heart outside my chest all the time. I love my pride in my children. I love K. I love how happy I feel because I am making that choice every day. I love my cozy bed and my happy home. I love that we are close to paying off one part of our mortgage and we can actually see the end of the road on the other mortgage. I never would have thought that possible years ago.
I love my job, my co workers and my cubby (even though I have to move in a few weeks.) I love that I accept my body now. I accept the roundness of my belly and my bum and my shortness all things that just are what they are. I love that I am good natured and trusting and that while people take advantage of that or use it against me that is okay. I love that like to learn. I love to travel.
I have finally fully learned to embrace the beauty of nature. It is breathtaking and amazing. It takes my breath away. Now I get my Mom and how she used to try to point it out to me. My teenage self hated this about her but now I get it. Natural beauty makes my heart stop. I love to see what is on the inside of me, that deep down, I can accomplish all that I have ever dreamed of accomplishing just my letting go of some of the old stuff that still lives inside of me. I love seeing all of the new things the world has to offer. I find myself enjoying finally the fact that I am good at certain things and not at other things and that is okay.
I love that I waited to get married, I waited to find something who compliments and (cheesily) completes me. I am glad that I waited to have kids. I love that tomorrow I turn 37 and NOT 27. I love who I have become and who I am becoming.
I feel lucky and blessed and truly the roads that led me to this day and this point my life are amazing, flawed and painful, beautiful and heartbreaking, but I am hear to say it.
Love, ME
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
And that is that...
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two get into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Hug her, apologize, find a way to help make it better, remember to be humble about life and all the gifts that it gives us.
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Drank too much on many occasions and really there is just that one time that haunts my dreams and will probably never leave me no matter how much I try to let it go.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Travelled more to the places I want to go and see, lived in another country, and seen the world through young eyes before I had children.
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
(Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Not sure I quite have the time and energy for this one.
Maybe another day.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
That day a car very nearly hit me on my street where I was riding my bike. I just went back up onto the side walk. I was maybe nine or ten. This was on Tatra Drive. The man was drunk and for some reason he ended up in our neighborhood which to this day makes me wonder how or why but he did. Our neighborhood that lead to nothing and was not connected to anything and was essentially a giant tract neighborhood like they all were in San Jose back in the day. Three streets and a loop. He drove down our street going maybe 50 MPH and ran his car head long into a large tree on the corner of Tatra Court. He swerved barely missing me. I swear to you can still feel the sweep of that car and see the look in his eyes. I remember my heart pounding and pulse racing and knowing full well that I had just escaped death. I never told anyone about this, ever. Not even my parents. I just sat on my bike and watched the ambulance come and the police and all the neighbors come out and now I think that somehow that drunk driver would come to define my life, my near brush with death. That I had to follow a strange road that involved drugs and alcohol and a bad relationship to see how lucky I was to still be alive because I escaped that one drunk driver in the middle of the day on our quiet little street in San Jose CA.
Hug her, apologize, find a way to help make it better, remember to be humble about life and all the gifts that it gives us.
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Drank too much on many occasions and really there is just that one time that haunts my dreams and will probably never leave me no matter how much I try to let it go.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Travelled more to the places I want to go and see, lived in another country, and seen the world through young eyes before I had children.
Day 24 → Make a play list to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
(Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Not sure I quite have the time and energy for this one.
Maybe another day.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
That day a car very nearly hit me on my street where I was riding my bike. I just went back up onto the side walk. I was maybe nine or ten. This was on Tatra Drive. The man was drunk and for some reason he ended up in our neighborhood which to this day makes me wonder how or why but he did. Our neighborhood that lead to nothing and was not connected to anything and was essentially a giant tract neighborhood like they all were in San Jose back in the day. Three streets and a loop. He drove down our street going maybe 50 MPH and ran his car head long into a large tree on the corner of Tatra Court. He swerved barely missing me. I swear to you can still feel the sweep of that car and see the look in his eyes. I remember my heart pounding and pulse racing and knowing full well that I had just escaped death. I never told anyone about this, ever. Not even my parents. I just sat on my bike and watched the ambulance come and the police and all the neighbors come out and now I think that somehow that drunk driver would come to define my life, my near brush with death. That I had to follow a strange road that involved drugs and alcohol and a bad relationship to see how lucky I was to still be alive because I escaped that one drunk driver in the middle of the day on our quiet little street in San Jose CA.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Days of Truth
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I could definitely without a doubt live without drama. BOO drama BOO.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Stones From The River: I used to fully believe that all Germans were Nazis when Hitler was in charge. That they all just drank the kool aide and followed him into a hellish evil existence. This book taught me that no stoopid that is not true. Most Germans did not believe nor accept Nazi Germany nor did they want Hitler as their leader but he became so powerful so fast and would kill or harm anyone who dared to say he was not a good leader/person that many of the German people had no choice but to live with him, live in fear of him and forever be marked by him.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I feel people who are loving and committed and want to show it should be able to irregardless of sexual orientation. There is no where in the bible or religious doctrine that says it should not be so and dude you can point to whatever passage that is that says (oh and I am paraphrasing here) marriage between a man and a woman in a union BS and I will say ANYTHING can be interpreted the way you want it to be. Think AMENDMENTS. When our forefathers said right to bear arms, they were not thinking AKA 47s and UZIs to gun done thine neighbor...
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Huh. Well, I think we all have the right to believe in who or what we want to. We should never be extreme in our beliefs. We should always be open to learn more and change our beliefs. We should try to understand other religions/politics and learn from them rather then fight about them. I believe that most religions and politics have some innate problems namely that humans have twisted and turned things to suit their needs with little regard for the initial intent. I feel like when I am in nature, in my natural life, being present, living in the now, I experience the most grace, the extreme beauty this world has to offer and that mother nature is really the only deity in this world that we can rely on without question and yes, even in her most destructive, intense moments.
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
In moderation, I feel like alcohol is fine for me. With that said, I think there is complete loss of control in our society over both. It is madness. Both do more harm then good always. I live in fear of what genetics will bring to my kids given the addictions that are very present on both sides of our family. I know that rather then fear I need to teach tolerance and moderation and being smart and living clean and so I do.
I could definitely without a doubt live without drama. BOO drama BOO.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Stones From The River: I used to fully believe that all Germans were Nazis when Hitler was in charge. That they all just drank the kool aide and followed him into a hellish evil existence. This book taught me that no stoopid that is not true. Most Germans did not believe nor accept Nazi Germany nor did they want Hitler as their leader but he became so powerful so fast and would kill or harm anyone who dared to say he was not a good leader/person that many of the German people had no choice but to live with him, live in fear of him and forever be marked by him.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I feel people who are loving and committed and want to show it should be able to irregardless of sexual orientation. There is no where in the bible or religious doctrine that says it should not be so and dude you can point to whatever passage that is that says (oh and I am paraphrasing here) marriage between a man and a woman in a union BS and I will say ANYTHING can be interpreted the way you want it to be. Think AMENDMENTS. When our forefathers said right to bear arms, they were not thinking AKA 47s and UZIs to gun done thine neighbor...
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Huh. Well, I think we all have the right to believe in who or what we want to. We should never be extreme in our beliefs. We should always be open to learn more and change our beliefs. We should try to understand other religions/politics and learn from them rather then fight about them. I believe that most religions and politics have some innate problems namely that humans have twisted and turned things to suit their needs with little regard for the initial intent. I feel like when I am in nature, in my natural life, being present, living in the now, I experience the most grace, the extreme beauty this world has to offer and that mother nature is really the only deity in this world that we can rely on without question and yes, even in her most destructive, intense moments.
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
In moderation, I feel like alcohol is fine for me. With that said, I think there is complete loss of control in our society over both. It is madness. Both do more harm then good always. I live in fear of what genetics will bring to my kids given the addictions that are very present on both sides of our family. I know that rather then fear I need to teach tolerance and moderation and being smart and living clean and so I do.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Nine Hundo
With that last post, between this blog and the other blog I pushed over 900 posts.
FUCKING fantastic. Either a fantastic waste of time OR a well documented wonder!
HA.
FUCKING fantastic. Either a fantastic waste of time OR a well documented wonder!
HA.
Falling Behind
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
That I do not know. I hardly pay attention to compliments if I get them. I think I only tend to look at the bad things...
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
A list that never ends. Honestly I am so not aware of this... I mean sure I can think of things I would never compliment myself on like oh I do not know my sparkling happy personality? My ability to be an outstanding friend. My foul mouth? HA I actually could move that one of to compliments I receive the most. Many people are amazed (appalled) by my foul mouth. One person said you look so sweet and yet you have a mouth that is worse then a truck driver. Fabulous...
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Dave Matthews Band.
Dear Dave et al,
I love you guys. You have helped me through light happy moments and deep dark moments. I can remember playing songs over and over while driving and crying and I never felt alone with you all playing away in the car with me. I fell for you the moment I heard you from a friend when I lived in Milwaukee in 1996. I wanted to see you in concert at Summerfest but had no money. Do you even play venues like that any more? Oh well. You are my strength. I love to hear my kids signing words to your songs and I love your songs most of which still resonate with me to this day.
You guys rock. Keep on keeping!
Love, me
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Errr, is it weird to not have a hero per say? I guess my dad and he let me down when I was younger but I have learned so much from that both good and bad. I have no desire to write a letter to him about this. He was my hero. I worshipped him as a kid/teen/young adult (I count young adulthood as going into my mid 20s, FYI.) I wanted to much to be like him and lord knows I tried and failed which is very likely a good thing. If I had kept it up, I would likely not be here to write this today given the lifestyle I was leading. SO that is that...
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Weird. Food. Yes, my fucked up relationship with food. I battle it daily. I battle it hourly some times.
Kevin. We lived apart for the better part of the first year of our relationship. We knew we were meant to be together when it felt all wrong to be like that. Ten years later I am glad we made the decision to stay together. Cheesy but he truly completes me!
That I do not know. I hardly pay attention to compliments if I get them. I think I only tend to look at the bad things...
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
A list that never ends. Honestly I am so not aware of this... I mean sure I can think of things I would never compliment myself on like oh I do not know my sparkling happy personality? My ability to be an outstanding friend. My foul mouth? HA I actually could move that one of to compliments I receive the most. Many people are amazed (appalled) by my foul mouth. One person said you look so sweet and yet you have a mouth that is worse then a truck driver. Fabulous...
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Dave Matthews Band.
Dear Dave et al,
I love you guys. You have helped me through light happy moments and deep dark moments. I can remember playing songs over and over while driving and crying and I never felt alone with you all playing away in the car with me. I fell for you the moment I heard you from a friend when I lived in Milwaukee in 1996. I wanted to see you in concert at Summerfest but had no money. Do you even play venues like that any more? Oh well. You are my strength. I love to hear my kids signing words to your songs and I love your songs most of which still resonate with me to this day.
You guys rock. Keep on keeping!
Love, me
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Errr, is it weird to not have a hero per say? I guess my dad and he let me down when I was younger but I have learned so much from that both good and bad. I have no desire to write a letter to him about this. He was my hero. I worshipped him as a kid/teen/young adult (I count young adulthood as going into my mid 20s, FYI.) I wanted to much to be like him and lord knows I tried and failed which is very likely a good thing. If I had kept it up, I would likely not be here to write this today given the lifestyle I was leading. SO that is that...
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Weird. Food. Yes, my fucked up relationship with food. I battle it daily. I battle it hourly some times.
Kevin. We lived apart for the better part of the first year of our relationship. We knew we were meant to be together when it felt all wrong to be like that. Ten years later I am glad we made the decision to stay together. Cheesy but he truly completes me!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Breaking
Or is that braking? Well, I have to say that I love to blog. I love to write. I love to post my children's accomplishments and I love to read about your lives but recently I have felt a lack of desire to write here or anywhere. I have had this issue for years. Some of it does have to do with being down about things and I tend to hide out or make myself scarce when I am feeling blue or down right depressed. I am not blue or down right depressed at the moment - mostly just blah.
At the moment, I feel I need to prioritize my life better. I am suddenly going to be THIRTY FIVE in ONE month and it seems like I am still dealing with feelings I had when was in my teens and early 20s. I am tired of feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts. I cannot write about them freely here and that frustrates me in a way I cannot explain. I likely will turn to a more private journal for myself to work through things.
I am not saying I will never write here again or post photos but I think it is time for me to take a break from the bloggity blog world. My family is a priority and in a few weeks my job will be right there taking precedence next to my family. It is important to me to feel like I am being successful at both in a good way! I only have a certain amount of time to enjoy my family and K & I have certain goals regarding our jobs that make it that much more important to me.
For a long while I have felt terrible that I let my physical body, my friendships, and my mental space lapse so badly. I cannot allow my family and job to get jumbled like those things have.
I want you all to know that my friends are very important to me but unfortunately as much as I wish I could change the past few years I have often let friendships take a back seat to family and work. I have spent a lot time missing my son during the 40+ hours I spend at work. So I race home to see him and now my daughter will be in the mix they need me and I want to be with them. They are NUMBER 1 no matter what is happening with me and my life. I cannot keep up blogging when it comes to work since that is when I most often read and write blogs. Blogging was taking up a significant amount of time at work throughout pregnancy and that needs to stop when I go back to work. I am nursing so exhaustion is a factor and I will not give up nursing because I love it. My job needs me. My husband needs me obviously. I can only handle so much emotionally. That is also something I have learned about post partum life for me.
I am terrible with the phone and email. Please do not take this personally. If you do, TELL ME. I hate that. Not knowing when something is wrong - I am pretty horrid with confrontation but in a weird way I also prefer it. I think it makes friendships stronger and better if talking out issues is done in a good way ;).
Thank you for being supportive of me here on this blog and always in my life :)
PS: I hope this makes sense. I feel like I am making no sense as of late...
At the moment, I feel I need to prioritize my life better. I am suddenly going to be THIRTY FIVE in ONE month and it seems like I am still dealing with feelings I had when was in my teens and early 20s. I am tired of feeling these feelings and thinking these thoughts. I cannot write about them freely here and that frustrates me in a way I cannot explain. I likely will turn to a more private journal for myself to work through things.
I am not saying I will never write here again or post photos but I think it is time for me to take a break from the bloggity blog world. My family is a priority and in a few weeks my job will be right there taking precedence next to my family. It is important to me to feel like I am being successful at both in a good way! I only have a certain amount of time to enjoy my family and K & I have certain goals regarding our jobs that make it that much more important to me.
For a long while I have felt terrible that I let my physical body, my friendships, and my mental space lapse so badly. I cannot allow my family and job to get jumbled like those things have.
I want you all to know that my friends are very important to me but unfortunately as much as I wish I could change the past few years I have often let friendships take a back seat to family and work. I have spent a lot time missing my son during the 40+ hours I spend at work. So I race home to see him and now my daughter will be in the mix they need me and I want to be with them. They are NUMBER 1 no matter what is happening with me and my life. I cannot keep up blogging when it comes to work since that is when I most often read and write blogs. Blogging was taking up a significant amount of time at work throughout pregnancy and that needs to stop when I go back to work. I am nursing so exhaustion is a factor and I will not give up nursing because I love it. My job needs me. My husband needs me obviously. I can only handle so much emotionally. That is also something I have learned about post partum life for me.
I am terrible with the phone and email. Please do not take this personally. If you do, TELL ME. I hate that. Not knowing when something is wrong - I am pretty horrid with confrontation but in a weird way I also prefer it. I think it makes friendships stronger and better if talking out issues is done in a good way ;).
Thank you for being supportive of me here on this blog and always in my life :)
PS: I hope this makes sense. I feel like I am making no sense as of late...
Friday, October 3, 2008
Giggles Rock
Miss Pancake just had her first social giggle with me today 10-03 at 1:42pm and it was totally completely lovely and awesome to hear!! YAY!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Nananana BATMAN!
Party Hats Rock!
M & Miss Pancake say "PARTY ON PEOPLE!"
Miss Pancake - all 14 lbs of her...
Batman
BATMAN RETURNS!
AGGGGGGG A dinosaur (check out the slippers - yes those are dinosaur feet. They make me laugh every time he puts them on!)
My babies and their blankets
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Baby Fat
I took Miss Pancake to the doctor today just to be safe. We had to see the NP which does not thrill me because just about every time we see her we end up back there three days later with something she missed. The NP said there is nothing wrong with her. To treat her eye like it is contagious (bahahaha) but that it supposedly looks fine (just like the last three ear infections M had that she missed...) Some how her words STILL made me feel better even though I do not trust her.
The crazy thing was Miss Pancake's weight: 14 lbs 6 oz. O. M. G.
The crazy thing was Miss Pancake's weight: 14 lbs 6 oz. O. M. G.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Happenings
Dudes, I did it: 139 baby. And not like 139.8 but 139.2. I am starving 24/7 right now but I am thrilled to be in the 130s. Even if it is at the top of the 130s! Rock on.
Miss Pancake seems to have something going on with her. She has a gooey eye and has been super fussy and unhappy the past day or two. It is hard to say if this is just normal 2 month old stuff or that she has something more going on. I am hoping for the normal 2 month stuff. We shall see tomorrow.
My dog. Ugh my dog. Santana - the first and forgotten baby. He is sick too. They thought it was a bladder infection but after a full round of antibiotics he is still peeing all over our house and it is YUCK bloody pee. I feel rotten for the little guy and yet the vet bill was close to $200 two weeks ago. GAH.
The market is insane and scary and holy hell how did we get here as a nation. I saw a bumper sticker today that made me smile. It said 1.20.09. I had to get super close to the poor car in front of me to read below that number. It said "Bush's last day in office." Now I can only pray that politically speaking we pick the right people to take care of the mess we are currently in. sigh.
I am reading a book called Milk Memos. At first it made me look forward to going back to work in some ways. Then this evening for no reason as I was nursing Miss Pancake and reading the book I started to cry my eyes out. It made me realize returning to work will be no easier this time.
I am tired and going to bed now but I must upload the photos of M tomorrow. They are from the trial run of his costume and these crazy new slippers we bought for him.
Miss Pancake seems to have something going on with her. She has a gooey eye and has been super fussy and unhappy the past day or two. It is hard to say if this is just normal 2 month old stuff or that she has something more going on. I am hoping for the normal 2 month stuff. We shall see tomorrow.
My dog. Ugh my dog. Santana - the first and forgotten baby. He is sick too. They thought it was a bladder infection but after a full round of antibiotics he is still peeing all over our house and it is YUCK bloody pee. I feel rotten for the little guy and yet the vet bill was close to $200 two weeks ago. GAH.
The market is insane and scary and holy hell how did we get here as a nation. I saw a bumper sticker today that made me smile. It said 1.20.09. I had to get super close to the poor car in front of me to read below that number. It said "Bush's last day in office." Now I can only pray that politically speaking we pick the right people to take care of the mess we are currently in. sigh.
I am reading a book called Milk Memos. At first it made me look forward to going back to work in some ways. Then this evening for no reason as I was nursing Miss Pancake and reading the book I started to cry my eyes out. It made me realize returning to work will be no easier this time.
I am tired and going to bed now but I must upload the photos of M tomorrow. They are from the trial run of his costume and these crazy new slippers we bought for him.
Friday, September 26, 2008
A Whole Lot of Nothing
I have had a lot to say but not a lot of time to write. This week was sort of sucky but in a good way... is that possible? Yeah well that is what it was. Nothing out right bad happened. Mostly it was just a long tiresome week. I think a big part of this had to with the in laws leaving. Their visit went well. Mostly because they totally held Miss Pancake and played with Matthew 24/7. I managed to accomplish absolutely nothing when they were here of course. Like work, umm I have not done a lick of work in four weeks. I am struggling with this but hopefully once the nanny starts working part time next week I can get back on track. I am still trying to slog my way through thank you cards for gifts and meals that people gave us for Miss Pancake's birth and the birth announcements have gone out to all US residents but the Canadians... well thankfully the in laws came because they still would not have received their announcement.
I really need to figure out what clothes I can wear. I walked into Kroger yesterday wearing a billowy maternity shirt and pants and I was like CRAP I look like crap, officially. It has been 8 weeks and I have lost 30 lbs so I think I should be able to find some shirts to fit me that do not show off the 20 lbs I still have to lose and yet are not the shirt I was wearing because it was the only thing that barely fit me when I was 9 months preggo, right!? We are going to the outlets tomorrow morning... I have high hopes to get some clothing for me. We shall see. On a related random note - K and I both started working out again. However the stressful week made us cave and run to Kroger for ice cream. THE GUILT... See I have a lot to say but nothing important. Annoying. Here are some new things:
M is totally into super heroes and we play super hero games incessantly. He is going to be Batman for Halloween. He also tried to talk me into letting him wear his batman shirt two days in a row. Alright, I already let my kid dress himself which makes his look like I do not care what he is wearing (for the record I do but I cannot stop him from choosing the bright green athletic shorts and the light blue surfer shirt on top with the orange crocs and red Canada hat, kay?! That is all HIM and omg he is SO a product of his father ;)
M is getting this reading thing. He digs it. He is actually getting good at it. Most of it is memorization. He has memorized several books, he likes us to change the words in the books so he can tell us the right words and he has been getting the whole phonics thing. He is super curious about sounding things out - he will say c, c, c-at. I place this solidly on Word World and Super Why. These two shows kick ass.
M is randomly into Fireman Sam. A really bad Scottish (???) show. I hate it personally but he likes it and wants to play fireman all the time now.
Miss Pancake has bad gas. From me. Talk about parental gas. I know woe is me too much milk and a let down that could shoot a can off a fence but it really does suck. Yes, my kids gain weight easily and I could likely nurse 4 kids at once as well as nurse for five years and never see a difference in my milk production but have you ever dealt with a baby who had gas issues brought on by you? She sobs (REAL TEARS NOW TOO), kicks, bleats, hits (unintentionally of course) and this is all day these days. Gas relief stuff which worked fairly well with her brother does not seem to make a difference for her. I am going to start to pump this weekend. I am hopeful that taking a bottle will help her. I know M stopped having so many issues with gas after around 6 months but really he had these problems until we really started any solid around 8 months. SO I have lots to look forward to in the coming months.
In the same vein, I found some great articles/web sites about over producing milk that helped me to feel like less of freak then I did with Matthew. I felt terrible complaining to anyone about my milk supply because I know a lot of people struggle with even being able to breast feed. For the record, I am less frustrated this time. Because I knew how it was going to be for me. I hoped that Miss Pancake would deal better with it then M did and it seemed like things were going well until last week when she started struggling A LOT.
Since I bitched a bit here are some random photos to go along with my random thoughts:
Sibling Love
M and his favorite things: television, Bluesie (the dog doll) and his blanket
Smiles
More smiles for the camera
This could either be titled "Santana protecting Miss Pancake" OR "HEY I USED to be your favorite, what the HELL happened?"
I really need to figure out what clothes I can wear. I walked into Kroger yesterday wearing a billowy maternity shirt and pants and I was like CRAP I look like crap, officially. It has been 8 weeks and I have lost 30 lbs so I think I should be able to find some shirts to fit me that do not show off the 20 lbs I still have to lose and yet are not the shirt I was wearing because it was the only thing that barely fit me when I was 9 months preggo, right!? We are going to the outlets tomorrow morning... I have high hopes to get some clothing for me. We shall see. On a related random note - K and I both started working out again. However the stressful week made us cave and run to Kroger for ice cream. THE GUILT... See I have a lot to say but nothing important. Annoying. Here are some new things:
M is totally into super heroes and we play super hero games incessantly. He is going to be Batman for Halloween. He also tried to talk me into letting him wear his batman shirt two days in a row. Alright, I already let my kid dress himself which makes his look like I do not care what he is wearing (for the record I do but I cannot stop him from choosing the bright green athletic shorts and the light blue surfer shirt on top with the orange crocs and red Canada hat, kay?! That is all HIM and omg he is SO a product of his father ;)
M is getting this reading thing. He digs it. He is actually getting good at it. Most of it is memorization. He has memorized several books, he likes us to change the words in the books so he can tell us the right words and he has been getting the whole phonics thing. He is super curious about sounding things out - he will say c, c, c-at. I place this solidly on Word World and Super Why. These two shows kick ass.
M is randomly into Fireman Sam. A really bad Scottish (???) show. I hate it personally but he likes it and wants to play fireman all the time now.
Miss Pancake has bad gas. From me. Talk about parental gas. I know woe is me too much milk and a let down that could shoot a can off a fence but it really does suck. Yes, my kids gain weight easily and I could likely nurse 4 kids at once as well as nurse for five years and never see a difference in my milk production but have you ever dealt with a baby who had gas issues brought on by you? She sobs (REAL TEARS NOW TOO), kicks, bleats, hits (unintentionally of course) and this is all day these days. Gas relief stuff which worked fairly well with her brother does not seem to make a difference for her. I am going to start to pump this weekend. I am hopeful that taking a bottle will help her. I know M stopped having so many issues with gas after around 6 months but really he had these problems until we really started any solid around 8 months. SO I have lots to look forward to in the coming months.
In the same vein, I found some great articles/web sites about over producing milk that helped me to feel like less of freak then I did with Matthew. I felt terrible complaining to anyone about my milk supply because I know a lot of people struggle with even being able to breast feed. For the record, I am less frustrated this time. Because I knew how it was going to be for me. I hoped that Miss Pancake would deal better with it then M did and it seemed like things were going well until last week when she started struggling A LOT.
Since I bitched a bit here are some random photos to go along with my random thoughts:
Sibling Love
M and his favorite things: television, Bluesie (the dog doll) and his blanket
Smiles
More smiles for the camera
This could either be titled "Santana protecting Miss Pancake" OR "HEY I USED to be your favorite, what the HELL happened?"
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Reflections of my Mom
You sit before me in your little swing, sleeping. Your little mouth twisted up in a bow. Your hands relaxed. A little yellow fleece ducky sleeper warming your body. You are sweet, calm. You are beautiful.
Week 8, I wonder about this. Has time really slipped by this quickly. It never did with your brother it seemed the seconds and minutes seemed to stretch an hour out forever but I was a different person, in a different space, a different time in my life.
I am loving each moment with you from the sweet coos to the night time nursing. Even being so tired feels less painful. Not that I did not cherish any of this any less then I did with M. I am just more calm today about it all. And yet I cannot change the fact that time is speeding by for you and me and M and K. We have all changed so much in these first seven weeks of your life. I wonder about time and space and how quickly it all passes us by. If I do not stop and grab some moments they will be gone. Replaced by different and more exciting moments but never the same as now with my sweet little baby girl.
My mom told me recently that she was always wishing for peace and quiet when we were kids growing up. This was not meant in malice, I know this. She came to this country lonely and remains lonely in many ways to this day, by her own doing but still... at 68 that must be a regretful feeling. I understand what she means more and more as I grow older. Our relationship has always been strained and frustrating for me. Filled with unsaid things and memories that are mine and hers yet so different. There has been anger and even hatred on my part toward her and my family in the past. But I have come to peace with stuff. I choose just not to make it important any more.
Many of the fears I had swirling about M over the past weeks had to do with my fear that I was like my mom. My only example. And yet why? She was a good mom in many ways. Toward the end of my childhood when I think she wished for that peace and senerity from the children she was not a good mom in many ways but it was a hard time - our family slowly disintegrating because of depression and alcoholism in equal parts. She did her best with what she had.
She stayed home with three children, a house wife and mother. She had a high school education and no job. She stood up for us and tried her best. She loved us even with her strange ways of showing love. I ask her questions with this baby and let her in our world more and more. I do not fear the repercussions like I used to, of saying the wrong thing to her, to hurt her feelings. I know today at nearly 35 that what she did, leaving her family, her country, her language behind to live in this country was hard and scary and difficult. That she raised three children while her husband traveled the globe making nuclear plants a reality for countries that were once struggling small developing countries and are now super powers or at war or communist empires while my mom did the more difficult task of taking care of kids, a home, making a comfortable life for us as best she could with the limited tools in her tool box. I respect my mother more today then I ever have in the past.
At 35, I can finally see her for who she was back then learning a foreign language, living in a foreign land, making friends out of nothing and raising babies with little help from her spouse. The days that are chaos in my own house I think of her and her wish for peace and quiet. She said that she cannot believe she ever wished for that, she said 'look what I got? Peace and quiet and now I just wish for all the wild loud noise and mess and kids again.' You are starting your 8th week and I promise to never wish for peace and quiet, I promise to cherish the noise and craziness because one day in the not to distant future I may one day have all the peace and quiet I ever wanted and I do not think it is worth it.
Week 8, I wonder about this. Has time really slipped by this quickly. It never did with your brother it seemed the seconds and minutes seemed to stretch an hour out forever but I was a different person, in a different space, a different time in my life.
I am loving each moment with you from the sweet coos to the night time nursing. Even being so tired feels less painful. Not that I did not cherish any of this any less then I did with M. I am just more calm today about it all. And yet I cannot change the fact that time is speeding by for you and me and M and K. We have all changed so much in these first seven weeks of your life. I wonder about time and space and how quickly it all passes us by. If I do not stop and grab some moments they will be gone. Replaced by different and more exciting moments but never the same as now with my sweet little baby girl.
My mom told me recently that she was always wishing for peace and quiet when we were kids growing up. This was not meant in malice, I know this. She came to this country lonely and remains lonely in many ways to this day, by her own doing but still... at 68 that must be a regretful feeling. I understand what she means more and more as I grow older. Our relationship has always been strained and frustrating for me. Filled with unsaid things and memories that are mine and hers yet so different. There has been anger and even hatred on my part toward her and my family in the past. But I have come to peace with stuff. I choose just not to make it important any more.
Many of the fears I had swirling about M over the past weeks had to do with my fear that I was like my mom. My only example. And yet why? She was a good mom in many ways. Toward the end of my childhood when I think she wished for that peace and senerity from the children she was not a good mom in many ways but it was a hard time - our family slowly disintegrating because of depression and alcoholism in equal parts. She did her best with what she had.
She stayed home with three children, a house wife and mother. She had a high school education and no job. She stood up for us and tried her best. She loved us even with her strange ways of showing love. I ask her questions with this baby and let her in our world more and more. I do not fear the repercussions like I used to, of saying the wrong thing to her, to hurt her feelings. I know today at nearly 35 that what she did, leaving her family, her country, her language behind to live in this country was hard and scary and difficult. That she raised three children while her husband traveled the globe making nuclear plants a reality for countries that were once struggling small developing countries and are now super powers or at war or communist empires while my mom did the more difficult task of taking care of kids, a home, making a comfortable life for us as best she could with the limited tools in her tool box. I respect my mother more today then I ever have in the past.
At 35, I can finally see her for who she was back then learning a foreign language, living in a foreign land, making friends out of nothing and raising babies with little help from her spouse. The days that are chaos in my own house I think of her and her wish for peace and quiet. She said that she cannot believe she ever wished for that, she said 'look what I got? Peace and quiet and now I just wish for all the wild loud noise and mess and kids again.' You are starting your 8th week and I promise to never wish for peace and quiet, I promise to cherish the noise and craziness because one day in the not to distant future I may one day have all the peace and quiet I ever wanted and I do not think it is worth it.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Photo Life
Familiar refrain: "Digger Mommy Digger"
Oh Baby - Num...
And she is thinking "Num num mmmm ah FINNNNGER sooooo SOOTHING"
Family Movie Night and Popcorn = A happy quiet three year old!
Daddy and baby sleeping on couch
Me and my babies (and my freaking cleavage - why YES that is a maternity shirt, wanna make something out of it?!?!?!) I kid, sort of.
Bubble over M's head would likely read "I think Coach Lindsey is trying to make me look foolish. Hmm everyone else is doing it so I gueeees it is okay."
My pathetic attempt at "professional" looking photos...
WHY CAN'T I MASTER THE STUPID CAMERA???? WAIL. Any who, she looked so grown up in all her 7 week glory with her little Trumpette socks and boat neck onsie - I could not resist! (ALSO, yes she is about to cry but I did something stupid with my face and averted a disaster... that is post disaster. Cute, eh?)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Really Random
I had my six week post partum exam on Thursday and I am officially healed (I could have told you this without the appointment but the appointment was already paid for so what the heck, right?) We discussed birth control again and I decided to try that ring thing. Has anyone else used this kind of birth control? I am a little leery of it over all and of course the caveat to birth control is a decreased milk supply when nursing... this could be a good thing in my case. Mostly I am freaked about hormones and nursing.
M is totally into super heroes. It was rather cute at first but now like construction equipment and trains, I am sort of over it.
The cool thing about his new love of Batman is that he has taught himself to "read". He memorized a book called 'I am Batman' and can "read" the whole thing himself. However, I think we trotted that talent out one to many times because he now refuses to do it. He still knows all the words to several books and I can see him moving his lips as I read a book. I am SO excited for him to learn to read by himself - I think he will love being able to read his own books and I think it will be fun to let him read to me now rather then the other way around because HOLY CRAP it is SO cute to hear my kid read a book!
Miss Pancake started tracking people and objects really well recently. I think she could probably do this about a week ago but I just noticed it earlier this week.
Don't you hate it when the tornado sirens go off and it looks perfectly clear outside? Yet, still tornado sirens = FREAKED THE FUCK RIGHT OUT!!! I will never get used to them it seems!
I am down to 142 in weight. I have not been doing crap to lose weight. In fact I have seen a slight uptick in crappy eating the past couple of days (which would coincide with my in laws arriving...) I am now 12 pounds from my goal weight of 130. However I did the math and I would need to lose 2 lbs a week for the next six weeks to make it to 130 by my birthday... I am not sure I can do that because I am not making the time to work nor am I eating properly. This is not a concession by any means but I am trying to be realistic about the situation.
I went to Target today. I hate the college students in our college town. It is official. I was seriously run over by several today. Two different girls in the same group walked right in front of the stroller like they did not see it and did not even offer an apology - they actually did not even look. They roam around in packs like wolves and quite frankly most of them seem a bit snotty. On the flip side, I am totally entertained by the conversations that I am privy to. Cracks me right the hell up.
Finally, dear over tanned halfed naked girl from the East coast - if your credit card is declined do not keep trying to get it to go through while you bitch to your mother on your iPhone about how she needed to transfer $250 today, not tomorrow. Just walk away - it is ONLY an ugly brown canvas hamper. Ha, and I am glad you did not get your stupid hamper because you never even apologized to me or even offered me sad eyes about the fact that your were LETTTING MY BABY CRY... while your credit card was declined FIVE times... SIGH. I was committed to the check out at this point because I was holding said screaming baby in my arms trying to calm her!
I spent $100 bucks on I do not know what. I totally randomly rolled Miss Pancake around the store while she slept and packed stuff on top of the stroller. I would have spent WAY more (I was Christmas shopping) but I could not fit shit on the stroller. I bought a new diaper bag that is actually kind of nifty even though I really wanted a back pack diaper bag. The backpack diaper bag I wanted was $89 (and needed to be ordered online so it would have been even more) and the one I bought was only $29. I bought M some new shoes, a TP holder for the kid's bathroom, the rest of Miss Pancake's Halloween "costume", a new book, and a Batman toy for M. I was mostly trying to get a sense of what is in the toy world right now. M wants a scooter so that is what he will get. We also decided that we do not need more "stuff". I have this overwhelming need to cut back so we decided to limit the number of presents we get for each kid this year and we figure this is practical for the future as well. What are you all planning to get for kids for Christmas?
M is totally into super heroes. It was rather cute at first but now like construction equipment and trains, I am sort of over it.
The cool thing about his new love of Batman is that he has taught himself to "read". He memorized a book called 'I am Batman' and can "read" the whole thing himself. However, I think we trotted that talent out one to many times because he now refuses to do it. He still knows all the words to several books and I can see him moving his lips as I read a book. I am SO excited for him to learn to read by himself - I think he will love being able to read his own books and I think it will be fun to let him read to me now rather then the other way around because HOLY CRAP it is SO cute to hear my kid read a book!
Miss Pancake started tracking people and objects really well recently. I think she could probably do this about a week ago but I just noticed it earlier this week.
Don't you hate it when the tornado sirens go off and it looks perfectly clear outside? Yet, still tornado sirens = FREAKED THE FUCK RIGHT OUT!!! I will never get used to them it seems!
I am down to 142 in weight. I have not been doing crap to lose weight. In fact I have seen a slight uptick in crappy eating the past couple of days (which would coincide with my in laws arriving...) I am now 12 pounds from my goal weight of 130. However I did the math and I would need to lose 2 lbs a week for the next six weeks to make it to 130 by my birthday... I am not sure I can do that because I am not making the time to work nor am I eating properly. This is not a concession by any means but I am trying to be realistic about the situation.
I went to Target today. I hate the college students in our college town. It is official. I was seriously run over by several today. Two different girls in the same group walked right in front of the stroller like they did not see it and did not even offer an apology - they actually did not even look. They roam around in packs like wolves and quite frankly most of them seem a bit snotty. On the flip side, I am totally entertained by the conversations that I am privy to. Cracks me right the hell up.
Finally, dear over tanned halfed naked girl from the East coast - if your credit card is declined do not keep trying to get it to go through while you bitch to your mother on your iPhone about how she needed to transfer $250 today, not tomorrow. Just walk away - it is ONLY an ugly brown canvas hamper. Ha, and I am glad you did not get your stupid hamper because you never even apologized to me or even offered me sad eyes about the fact that your were LETTTING MY BABY CRY... while your credit card was declined FIVE times... SIGH. I was committed to the check out at this point because I was holding said screaming baby in my arms trying to calm her!
I spent $100 bucks on I do not know what. I totally randomly rolled Miss Pancake around the store while she slept and packed stuff on top of the stroller. I would have spent WAY more (I was Christmas shopping) but I could not fit shit on the stroller. I bought a new diaper bag that is actually kind of nifty even though I really wanted a back pack diaper bag. The backpack diaper bag I wanted was $89 (and needed to be ordered online so it would have been even more) and the one I bought was only $29. I bought M some new shoes, a TP holder for the kid's bathroom, the rest of Miss Pancake's Halloween "costume", a new book, and a Batman toy for M. I was mostly trying to get a sense of what is in the toy world right now. M wants a scooter so that is what he will get. We also decided that we do not need more "stuff". I have this overwhelming need to cut back so we decided to limit the number of presents we get for each kid this year and we figure this is practical for the future as well. What are you all planning to get for kids for Christmas?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Happiness is...
That title comes from some hippy dippy 60s book type thing my sister had. It was a little book called Happiness is... with this cute little girl who showed what happiness is (or is that was?) I loved that little funny orange book and I used to sneak into her room to just look at the pictures and contemplate what Happiness is...
The other day I was standing the kitchen holding Miss Pancake. Holding her tight because she was not feeling well from the latest virus making its rounds in our town. She had this tiny little cough that just broke my heart. I was holding her partly because I can and partly because she was not feeling great and really just wanted to be held. I could hear K and M playing, giggling, yelling in the yard below. The weather has been lovely, cool and sunny. Just the perfect early fall weather that I love. I had my nose buried in Miss P's hair. I was gazing out the window at the early evening light, the late summer green of the trees and I put my hand on her head to steady her still wobbly head.
I was startled by the thought that 'my god I will never be able to hold my daughter's head in my hand again one day soon'. I can barely pick M up these days. He is huge, 40 lbs of stocky boy. Miss P is getting bigger with each passing moment. The time is flying! I am half way through maternity leave, she is suddenly six weeks old. She has outgrown a clothing size and a diaper size. She can almost hold her head steady, she can smile and coo and stares at me with these dazzling eyes. She is still small enough that I do not get tired physically from holding her.
I relished that moment in the kitchen listening to my boys playing games in the yard below while I held my wee tiny baby girl in my arms because it was wonderful and will not last forever. There will be plenty of new and wonderful moments to come I am sure but I just want to hang on to that one early fall afternoon before it escapes my memory, before other memories might replace it, before my wee tiny baby girl turns into a big girl before my very eyes.
The other day I was standing the kitchen holding Miss Pancake. Holding her tight because she was not feeling well from the latest virus making its rounds in our town. She had this tiny little cough that just broke my heart. I was holding her partly because I can and partly because she was not feeling great and really just wanted to be held. I could hear K and M playing, giggling, yelling in the yard below. The weather has been lovely, cool and sunny. Just the perfect early fall weather that I love. I had my nose buried in Miss P's hair. I was gazing out the window at the early evening light, the late summer green of the trees and I put my hand on her head to steady her still wobbly head.
I was startled by the thought that 'my god I will never be able to hold my daughter's head in my hand again one day soon'. I can barely pick M up these days. He is huge, 40 lbs of stocky boy. Miss P is getting bigger with each passing moment. The time is flying! I am half way through maternity leave, she is suddenly six weeks old. She has outgrown a clothing size and a diaper size. She can almost hold her head steady, she can smile and coo and stares at me with these dazzling eyes. She is still small enough that I do not get tired physically from holding her.
I relished that moment in the kitchen listening to my boys playing games in the yard below while I held my wee tiny baby girl in my arms because it was wonderful and will not last forever. There will be plenty of new and wonderful moments to come I am sure but I just want to hang on to that one early fall afternoon before it escapes my memory, before other memories might replace it, before my wee tiny baby girl turns into a big girl before my very eyes.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Day #3: Getting Better
Gawd I love my kids. I mean seriously. I know I have done some bitching lately but when I look deep into those beautiful blue gray eyes on my daughter and stroke her auburn colored hair as she drifts peacefully off to sleep with the birdy sound chirping from her throat as she nurses and her long girlie fingers are wrapped tightly around my finger, I am blessed. Or when my son says "Momma can I please have another prenzel?" with that sweet impish little grin on his face or he gives me a hug and a kiss good night and asks me to stay, PLEUUUSE stay so he can chat with me a few minutes longer, I know I am the luckiest gal on the planet!
********
Have I mentioned that my darling husband booked our next family vacation already? I was thinking some place warm, sunny, beachy, Caribbean or South Carolina shore... NO no we are heading to Orlando as in Walt Disney World again in February 2009. At that time Miss M will be just a couple of weeks past six months and M will be just shy of four years of age. We are insane... And yet oddly I am excited. The reason for the trip - $165 plane tickets (never mind the cost of going to Disney totally cancels the plant ticket cost out ENTIRELY!
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Today the activity I chose for my son - load him in the Rav and drive around B-town for an hour looking at construction sites. Ummm, yeah that may happen a lot during the next two months! If you asked M he would be thrilled to tell you about all the cool things we saw so it is not like he was hurting back there.
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I totally suck as far as being friend is concerned - First Kelly (Shades of Gray) had a her baby on Monday!!! A little girl! YEAH Kelly and family!!! CONGRATS!
*******
Also, does time fly or what? I mean I cannot believe that come Saturday we will be beginning week six with Miss Pancake. It seems like forever but in a good way. She is smiling and holding her head up pretty well. She actually does not mind tummy time and is such a lovely charming little baby. K did the old weigh himself a few times while hold Miss Pancake and then weigh himself without the baby last night and he estimates her to be about 11.5 lbs. SHE IS HUGE. I mean that in the nicest way but I lookd over at K holding her two evenings ago and I thought "well crap she is huge - she does not even seem like a newborn any more..." And I suppose she is not. She is outgrowing her 0-3 clothes already as well as the 1-2 diapers (from Sam's Club). She has blown out her diapers every day this week...
SIGH, they do get big TOO fast I tell you. Likely the reason for this is she is a champ at nursing. She is SO unlike her brother. He gulped and gulped and spit up and hated me and my crazy strong mammary glands. Miss P totally takes it in stride. She will just the milk run out of her mouth (or squirt in as the case may be) and calmly takes deep breaths if she needs to. She spits up a tiny bit (usually because I forget to nurse her) but not near as bad as M did. She sleeps like a champ too - already we have had numerous 5-6 hours sleep nights and during the day she takes a four hour nap. I know this will likely change with the advent of new skills like turning over and well frankly teeth but still she is charming and dang if she is not starting week six. What next? Prom?
********
Have I mentioned that my darling husband booked our next family vacation already? I was thinking some place warm, sunny, beachy, Caribbean or South Carolina shore... NO no we are heading to Orlando as in Walt Disney World again in February 2009. At that time Miss M will be just a couple of weeks past six months and M will be just shy of four years of age. We are insane... And yet oddly I am excited. The reason for the trip - $165 plane tickets (never mind the cost of going to Disney totally cancels the plant ticket cost out ENTIRELY!
*********
Today the activity I chose for my son - load him in the Rav and drive around B-town for an hour looking at construction sites. Ummm, yeah that may happen a lot during the next two months! If you asked M he would be thrilled to tell you about all the cool things we saw so it is not like he was hurting back there.
********
I totally suck as far as being friend is concerned - First Kelly (Shades of Gray) had a her baby on Monday!!! A little girl! YEAH Kelly and family!!! CONGRATS!
*******
Also, does time fly or what? I mean I cannot believe that come Saturday we will be beginning week six with Miss Pancake. It seems like forever but in a good way. She is smiling and holding her head up pretty well. She actually does not mind tummy time and is such a lovely charming little baby. K did the old weigh himself a few times while hold Miss Pancake and then weigh himself without the baby last night and he estimates her to be about 11.5 lbs. SHE IS HUGE. I mean that in the nicest way but I lookd over at K holding her two evenings ago and I thought "well crap she is huge - she does not even seem like a newborn any more..." And I suppose she is not. She is outgrowing her 0-3 clothes already as well as the 1-2 diapers (from Sam's Club). She has blown out her diapers every day this week...
SIGH, they do get big TOO fast I tell you. Likely the reason for this is she is a champ at nursing. She is SO unlike her brother. He gulped and gulped and spit up and hated me and my crazy strong mammary glands. Miss P totally takes it in stride. She will just the milk run out of her mouth (or squirt in as the case may be) and calmly takes deep breaths if she needs to. She spits up a tiny bit (usually because I forget to nurse her) but not near as bad as M did. She sleeps like a champ too - already we have had numerous 5-6 hours sleep nights and during the day she takes a four hour nap. I know this will likely change with the advent of new skills like turning over and well frankly teeth but still she is charming and dang if she is not starting week six. What next? Prom?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
The Doula's Version
Ah, birth story part deux? Yes, I know overkill right? Our doula dropped by for the post partum visit and dropped the birth story off. Compare the two and see how close my reality was to what really happened!
"Christina scheduled her labor to be induced on Friday morning, August 1, 2008. In the shower that morning, she lost her mucus plug, which was a great sign that Miss Pancake was about ready to be born. Christina and K went to the hospital early in the morning and got settled, and they called me about 9:20 am to tell me that Liz, the midwife, was coming at 10:30 am to break Christina's water and get things going. Liz and I both arrived at 10:30. Christina and K had taken a walk to the cafeteria, so Liz and I chatted until they got back. Liz broke Christina's water at about 10:50 am. Her cervix was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced, and Miss Pancake was at -2 station. K was holding Christina's hand and eating Doritos, and we thought we heard a "pop" when Liz broke the water, but it might have been K's chewing.
Liz left, and the three of us watched the end of Glory Road and ate Swedish Fish, Later in the afternoon we played rummy and Crazy 8s. All afternoon, Christina alternated between sitting in the bed, bouncing on the ball, and walking in the halls and outside. She had stronger contractions when walking, but they didn't stay consistent and weren't getting strong enough to really be called labor. By 6:00 pm she was starting to get frustrated, and we discussed various options. Christina decided to try castor oil. K went out to get some (he called it beaver oil)! Christina rested for awhile while she built of the courage to take the castor oil. She finally took the castor oil just after 9:00pm. She said it tasted like drinking lipstick. We watched Monk while waiting for the castor oil to take effect, and K and I order pizza. At 10:30p the pizza and the labor arrived! K and I took turns eating and sitting with Christina. Miss Pancake got the hiccups, which Christina said happened every night at about 10:30pm.
BY 11:20pm, Christina was having powerfully strong contractions. She got in the shower for awhile and leaned on K during contractions. He stayed right by her giving her verbal encouragement the entire time. She tried sitting on the toilet after her shower, but it was very uncomfortable during contractions. She got back in bed a little after midnight. She was beginning to feel a slight urge to push and when Liz checked her cervix, she was eight centimeters dilated. Half an hour later she was completely dilated and pushing hard.
Miss Pancake head was born at 1:12am and her body at 1:13am. She had some facial bruising that made her look blue, but her breathing was fine. By 1:45a she was rooting and sucking on her hands, and trying to latch for breastfeeding. At 2:15a she got a good latch and nursed for over a half an hour. The nurse did the vitamin K shot and eye ointment while Miss Pancake was nursing and Marisa didn't even flinch. She then switched to the other breast and nursed there for half an hour as well. Way to go Miss Pancake!
Christina got up at 3:45a to take a shower and the nurse weighed Miss Pancake - 8 pounds 11 ounces - and the nurse got her cleaned up and bundled. At 4:10a Miss Pancake was back with Christina and everyone looked ready for a nap. I left at 4:30am."
"Christina scheduled her labor to be induced on Friday morning, August 1, 2008. In the shower that morning, she lost her mucus plug, which was a great sign that Miss Pancake was about ready to be born. Christina and K went to the hospital early in the morning and got settled, and they called me about 9:20 am to tell me that Liz, the midwife, was coming at 10:30 am to break Christina's water and get things going. Liz and I both arrived at 10:30. Christina and K had taken a walk to the cafeteria, so Liz and I chatted until they got back. Liz broke Christina's water at about 10:50 am. Her cervix was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced, and Miss Pancake was at -2 station. K was holding Christina's hand and eating Doritos, and we thought we heard a "pop" when Liz broke the water, but it might have been K's chewing.
Liz left, and the three of us watched the end of Glory Road and ate Swedish Fish, Later in the afternoon we played rummy and Crazy 8s. All afternoon, Christina alternated between sitting in the bed, bouncing on the ball, and walking in the halls and outside. She had stronger contractions when walking, but they didn't stay consistent and weren't getting strong enough to really be called labor. By 6:00 pm she was starting to get frustrated, and we discussed various options. Christina decided to try castor oil. K went out to get some (he called it beaver oil)! Christina rested for awhile while she built of the courage to take the castor oil. She finally took the castor oil just after 9:00pm. She said it tasted like drinking lipstick. We watched Monk while waiting for the castor oil to take effect, and K and I order pizza. At 10:30p the pizza and the labor arrived! K and I took turns eating and sitting with Christina. Miss Pancake got the hiccups, which Christina said happened every night at about 10:30pm.
BY 11:20pm, Christina was having powerfully strong contractions. She got in the shower for awhile and leaned on K during contractions. He stayed right by her giving her verbal encouragement the entire time. She tried sitting on the toilet after her shower, but it was very uncomfortable during contractions. She got back in bed a little after midnight. She was beginning to feel a slight urge to push and when Liz checked her cervix, she was eight centimeters dilated. Half an hour later she was completely dilated and pushing hard.
Miss Pancake head was born at 1:12am and her body at 1:13am. She had some facial bruising that made her look blue, but her breathing was fine. By 1:45a she was rooting and sucking on her hands, and trying to latch for breastfeeding. At 2:15a she got a good latch and nursed for over a half an hour. The nurse did the vitamin K shot and eye ointment while Miss Pancake was nursing and Marisa didn't even flinch. She then switched to the other breast and nursed there for half an hour as well. Way to go Miss Pancake!
Christina got up at 3:45a to take a shower and the nurse weighed Miss Pancake - 8 pounds 11 ounces - and the nurse got her cleaned up and bundled. At 4:10a Miss Pancake was back with Christina and everyone looked ready for a nap. I left at 4:30am."
Day #2: Confessional
Hey, I am back. Oh one bonus that I am NOT going to complain about is that M and Miss Pancake both nap at the same time. Also, do not judge me but M is watching WAY way more television then the recommended "1-2 hours at most" for kids his age. It is how I am coping people. Wait till we have to break THAT habit. Way to go Momma! I ROCK.
This morning we only had one melt down EACH. M totally put another dent in the wall when I gave him a time out. I can feel the value of our home slipping as I speak... I feel the need to mention to you how horrible my language has been. Could this be hormonal? I mean seriously I say the "F" word and I say it often and maybe I even say it in front of M which ummm did you know he is like a parrot, kind of? SO yeah my kid may be the one teaching your kid how to swear soon enough. Which is kind of like a family tradition since my mom taught be this important word at an early age as well. Again I ROCK.
I think I am sling/baby carrier illiterate. I cannot get my kid into one of them for the life of me. SEND HELP NOW and quickly before I lose my mind. I cannot carry a baby in one arm for one more moment. I am heading out tomorrow I think to buy a stinkin' ring sling in hopes that I can figure that out. I mean seriously. Are these things supposed to make a baby sob uncontrollably??? Or is it just me. AND why do all the carriers say "it is SO easy to breastfeed using this product?" I call them on it and say BULL SHIT!!!
Finally, I have this love/hate relationship with TLC's Baby Story. Today I was flabbergasted by the lady who was baby #4 and she said something along the lines that being pregnant every year or two would be dandy with her and also that having her tubes tied was like killing her or taking the life right out of her, she felt empty... Okay I can understand this to some degree. I mean I am sad that we are done and even after some of the posts I have written recently I can see having another baby (WHICH WE ARE NOT SO DO NOT EVEN ASK or THINK THAT!)
But I do not think my life is over now that we done having babies. I feel like it is just beginning in some ways. It is neat to see Miss Pancake changing already. Her smiles and coos, her little bird legs turning into to chubby kissable baby goodness. Her sweet demeanor and the look she has on her face when she sees me like "ahhh I know you and I really think you are a pretty person to gaze upon" And pregnancy every year or two??? EKKKK. Scares me. Any who, I am rambling. Thank you for the supportive comments y'all. Emily, you can totally laugh at me and with me. I like that! I hope I making someone laugh because it makes it much much easier to laugh at myself at the end of the day!!
This morning we only had one melt down EACH. M totally put another dent in the wall when I gave him a time out. I can feel the value of our home slipping as I speak... I feel the need to mention to you how horrible my language has been. Could this be hormonal? I mean seriously I say the "F" word and I say it often and maybe I even say it in front of M which ummm did you know he is like a parrot, kind of? SO yeah my kid may be the one teaching your kid how to swear soon enough. Which is kind of like a family tradition since my mom taught be this important word at an early age as well. Again I ROCK.
I think I am sling/baby carrier illiterate. I cannot get my kid into one of them for the life of me. SEND HELP NOW and quickly before I lose my mind. I cannot carry a baby in one arm for one more moment. I am heading out tomorrow I think to buy a stinkin' ring sling in hopes that I can figure that out. I mean seriously. Are these things supposed to make a baby sob uncontrollably??? Or is it just me. AND why do all the carriers say "it is SO easy to breastfeed using this product?" I call them on it and say BULL SHIT!!!
Finally, I have this love/hate relationship with TLC's Baby Story. Today I was flabbergasted by the lady who was baby #4 and she said something along the lines that being pregnant every year or two would be dandy with her and also that having her tubes tied was like killing her or taking the life right out of her, she felt empty... Okay I can understand this to some degree. I mean I am sad that we are done and even after some of the posts I have written recently I can see having another baby (WHICH WE ARE NOT SO DO NOT EVEN ASK or THINK THAT!)
But I do not think my life is over now that we done having babies. I feel like it is just beginning in some ways. It is neat to see Miss Pancake changing already. Her smiles and coos, her little bird legs turning into to chubby kissable baby goodness. Her sweet demeanor and the look she has on her face when she sees me like "ahhh I know you and I really think you are a pretty person to gaze upon" And pregnancy every year or two??? EKKKK. Scares me. Any who, I am rambling. Thank you for the supportive comments y'all. Emily, you can totally laugh at me and with me. I like that! I hope I making someone laugh because it makes it much much easier to laugh at myself at the end of the day!!
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